Breaking Through

by A. M. Hartnett

  ‘Yeah, yeah, you bitch now but your man loves my colours on you.’

  It took about fifteen or twenty minutes to walk from the hospital to the waterfront where Simon was with her nephew. Parched by the time she got to the ferry terminal, she bought an iced coffee, texted Simon and sat on the edge of the wharf waiting.

  It was a comical sight to see Simon pushing the stroller from the boardwalk, and Miranda couldn’t help but think about the first time she laid eyes on him: the horny bastard with his pants around his ankles, who was now grinning at her as he approached.

  ‘Where did you get that?’ she asked Eddie.

  He held up his treat, a pot holder with a cartoon lobster on it.

  ‘I may have made a big mistake,’ Simon said, laughing. ‘I took him into a souvenir shop and there was a meltdown.’

  ‘So you bought him a pot holder.’

  ‘It’s what he wanted.’ He gestured to her coffee. ‘I can do better than that. How about a late lunch?’

  She knew what he was thinking: sit-down restaurant with a kid menu. He was probably thinking about how good Eddie had been at breakfast that morning at the diner. He had no idea that the pot-holder thing was probably low on tantrum scale, and putting Eddie in a high chair in a bustling waterfront restaurant was asking for it.

  ‘How about we head up to the mall? Eddie can have a Happy Meal and we have lots to pick from.’

  Miranda tried to take over the stroller and was pushed away, so she trotted alongside the two males in her life and drank her coffee.

  ‘Want to talk about it?’ Simon asked as they started the trek through the pedestrian walkway leading from the waterfront to the mall.

  She tossed her drink in a trash bin as she passed. ‘She was up and down. I asked her about getting out of town and she seemed to take to the idea, but the thing with Juliet is that she gets really excited about something and then loses interest when she finds out how much effort is involved. If she just does it and doesn’t have much time to build too much expectation in her head, she might be all right.’

  ‘What about you? Will you be all right if she goes?’

  ‘It’ll be hard. I already lost Des, and taking care of Eddie on my own won’t be easy, but neither has living with Juliet been since she came back here.’ She sprinted ahead of him to press the elevator call button that would take them to the next level of the walkway, then leaned against the wall. ‘I want to know more about this supposed job in New Brunswick,’ she said nervously.

  He obviously fought the urge to break out in a victorious grin as he leaned on the stroller. ‘I’ve been emailing back and forth with Grace all day. It’s a salaried position with full benefits. It would start off with working the phones and emails, running background checks for businesses and organisations, mostly. You’d work out of Mont Carmel to start, but I think things will be moving into Moncton before the end of the year so your best bet would be to live there and commute.’

  Her spirits deflated a little. ‘I don’t know how to drive.’

  ‘The working hours are generally the same for the office people, so you could carpool.’

  ‘What about Eddie?’ she asked, her gaze moving downwards as the elevator doors rumbled open. He was studying the image on his pot holder, oblivious to the conversation that would change his life.

  Simon shook his head. ‘I don’t think it would be a problem. Jacques has a ton of family down there, and some of them look after kids during the day for much less than the day-cares charge. You might end up doing a lot from home, so getting him out of the house for a couple of hours a day to do the phone stuff would suffice.’

  She wasn’t quite sold as they ascended. It seemed too perfect to be real. ‘And you’ll be there, too?’

  ‘That’s what I’m hoping. Jacques has made the offer a few times, so my fingers are crossed.’ He gave a sigh. ‘I can kiss my big pay days goodbye, but I’ll sleep better.’

  ‘I don’t want to live together,’ she said quickly, and kept looking forwards as they stepped off the elevator. ‘I mean, I want to keep seeing you and see where this ends up, but I don’t want to start an instant family.’

  ‘Fair enough,’ he said, ‘but I get to come by and seduce the Supergirl panties off you whenever I want.’

  Miranda giggled and looked around to be sure no one was walking behind them. ‘You also have to teach me how to drive.’

  ‘Not a chance,’ he replied immediately, and met her outraged look with a crook of an eyebrow. ‘I’m not stupid. If I’m in the passenger seat when you’re trying to learn to drive, we’re going to hate one another in a week because neither of us will put up with the other’s shit. You can go to driving school to learn and leave me out of the equation.’

  ‘Remind me again why I’m seeing a jerk like you?’

  He grinned as they reached yet another elevator. ‘Because I put that smile on your face when you wake up.’

  ‘Dirty old man,’ she quipped. She followed as he retreated into the elevator and slipped her arm around his as she leaned against the back of the elevator. ‘What the hell am I thinking? Running away with you after a whirlwind affair?’

  ‘You’ve made up your mind, then?’

  She shook her head, a response more automatic than anything. ‘I need more time. I’m the complete opposite of Juliet. If I jump head-first, I fall flat on my face. I have to think things out and plan and make lists. I need to have my and Eddie’s life plotted out until he finishes high school and then I can give you an answer, but right now I need to stew.’

  They didn’t say anything as they left the lift car and walked to the final elevator, until Simon pressed the call button and turned to her.

  ‘Are you sorry you got in the car with me that night?’

  Warmth chased Miranda’s anxiety into the background. ‘No, I’m not. Not at all. My head didn’t end up in a box, after all.’

  ‘God, you’re so romantic.’

  Miranda lifted her face as he went for a kiss that was just a little romantic.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Getting back to work after four days off was hell. Miranda didn’t feel motivated at the best of times, and after going with Juliet to the mental health offices and then sticking around at the house long enough to make sure Juliet didn’t have some sort of breakdown upon returning to the place where she had planned to die, Miranda left her sister with Arch and walked to work instead of grabbing the bus.

  Luckily it wasn’t a busy night on the phones, and she had lots of time to think, to plot, to daydream and to worry.

  She was leaving. No, not leaving, moving forward. She’d been stuck in the same place for so long, she had pretty much resigned herself to the idea that she’d never go anywhere.

  Now, she didn’t even mind that going back to school was probably out of the question. She’d just wanted something to look forward to beyond juggling shift work and baby-time, and the more she wrote her new life’s itinerary in her head the more excited she became. She could work during the day and have her life in the evening, including her painting. She had Googled the area she would be moving to and learned that it had some beautiful panoramas and vistas, and the pictures Simon had shown her of this house where she would work, called The Convent House, had inspired her imagination. It reminded her of a hobbit hole, half underground and full of whimsy, though Simon told her it was more like the type of house where governesses were driven mad by ghostly children.

  She hadn’t given Simon her final answer yet. She would, soon; she had to. The details were quickly being worked out between him and Jacques for Simon to come on board with this TAJ Surveillance, and while he hadn’t broached the subject with her yet there was an air of expectation about him now. He was being patient because it was too soon, only a few days, but once Juliet made her plans he would look to Miranda to make hers.

  And so a second itinerary formed in her head around what to tell Simon and when. She made a mental checklist of the things she had to look int
o before she gave a solid ‘yes’, but in the end she was going to go, not to follow him but to follow her own life’s twists and turns.

  When she clocked out, Simon was idling at the sidewalk. Eddie was in the car seat in the back, already in his pyjamas and dead to the world.

  ‘You sure you want to take him home tonight?’ Simon asked as he pulled away from the kerb.

  ‘Yeah, Juliet wants to see him, and Arch is staying the night.’

  ‘Are you sure you want to take me home?’

  Miranda reached over the gearshift and rested her hand on his knee. ‘Yeah, I am, and Juliet wants to meet you properly and see if you’re good enough for me.’

  ‘But I’m not. I’m completely full of shit. Did you tell her I’m completely full of shit?’

  ‘Which is why we’re not staying,’ she teased. ‘That, and I’m looking forward to getting some alone time with you tonight.’

  As they neared the intersection that had puzzled him before their first outing together, Miranda directed him onto a different street that would take them on a longer but more direct route.

  ‘Thanks,’ he said with a chuckle. ‘You know, this is the first time I’ve picked you up from work and we haven’t gone to our café.’

  ‘We could still go, if you really wanted to. Eddie would sleep through it.’

  He shook his head and covered her hand with his. ‘Tomorrow morning, you’ll stay in bed and I’ll run down for coffee and cinnamon rolls and we can have breakfast naked under the sheets. How does that possibility strike you?’

  ‘Worth skipping my usual hot chocolate.’

  Rather than park a few doors down like he had in the past, Simon took the spot right in front of the house.

  Arch sprawled in the corner of the sofa, while Juliet sat on the edge, glass in hand, a half-eaten cake on the coffee table in front of them along with a bottle of Coke.

  ‘Ooh, I’ve been waiting all day to get my hands on those chubby cheeks,’ she said, standing as Miranda led the way into the living room.

  Juliet took the sleeping child and gave him a raspberry. He jolted awake and looked at her, then at everyone else in the room, before turning his attention back to Juliet. Then he wrapped his tiny arm around her neck, rested his head on her shoulder and went back to sleep.

  ‘All right, I’ll chase you around in the morning.’ Her gaze went past Miranda to Simon. ‘Uh, Arch, this is Simon.’

  ‘Hey,’ Arch said, and broke from his recline. ‘Help yourselves to some cake. Apparently I’m an insensitive prick for bringing her one that said, “Congratulations on not dying you twat.”’

  ‘Did they really write that on at the grocery store?’

  ‘No, I had to write it myself. She bitched, but she ate it.’

  ‘Of course I did. I love butter cream.’ Juliet bobbed her head towards the darkened hallway. ‘Come with me to put him to bed.’

  Miranda nodded and turned to Simon. ‘Cut me a slice? I’ll be right back.’

  ‘I’ll be here,’ he said, and as Miranda followed Juliet, Simon took the sofa with Arch.

  ‘How was tonight?’ she asked as they reached Eddie’s room.

  ‘Honestly, I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m glad Arch is here to keep my mind off things.’

  Worry shadowed Juliet’s face, which was experiencing one of the rare occasions when it was unpainted. Without the glitz she looked tired and haunted, but still pretty.

  ‘This is going to be harder than I thought,’ she said.

  ‘Just keep doing what you’re doing,’ Miranda told her, not sure what else she could say.

  They worked together to get Eddie’s coat off him, waking him in the process. He was far less tolerant this time and wriggled unhappily, but dropped back into sleep once he was in the crib.

  ‘I’m going to miss this little fucker,’ Juliet said as they stood over him. ‘Saying that makes me a hypocrite, doesn’t it?’

  Miranda leaned against her sister. ‘Are you going to miss me?’

  ‘Of course I am, but I won’t worry about either of you.’ She slung her arm around Miranda’s shoulders. ‘Arch is coming with me.’

  ‘Julie-et!’ Miranda hissed. ‘Finally. When did you and Arch happen?’

  ‘It didn’t happen, at least not yet, but you should have seen him when he came over. He gave me the cake, hugged me and burst out crying. It was kind of sweet. I told him about what you said and I told him I was scared to go by myself, and he suggested we go together. He’d been thinking about going out west for work but wasn’t too crazy about it, so he suggested we go together to Toronto.’

  ‘You guys are too cute,’ Miranda said, and earned herself an elbow in the ribs.

  They returned to the living room and assembled around the coffee table to finish off the cake. Simon gave Miranda a look as he passed her a slice, and looking down at the cake she laughed to see that he had cut a square around the word ‘twat’ for her. She could have smooshed it in Juliet’s face as her sister got right to questions about his wild past, but it was fascinating to watch them both tell stories about being wrecked, with equal parts of bravado and shame.

  When she and Simon stood at the door, about to leave, Miranda worried that Juliet would hug Simon, but it didn’t happen. The door closed and the outdoor light went off, and Simon and Miranda drove away.

  ‘Any red flags go up?’ she asked him as they headed for the highway.

  ‘How so?’

  ‘Well, you’ve been there before. You see how she’s nervy and bubbly at the same time.’

  He gave his head a shake. ‘I couldn’t tell you. I never tried to kill myself, at least not directly, and I’m not a psychologist.’

  ‘I know, I just thought you might pick up something I can’t.’

  Simon took her hand and dragged it closer. ‘She’s fine. At least, she seems fine. I don’t think there’s a cookie-cutter way she’s supposed to be. I never had to do what she did. I always went away to dry out. That out-patient thing must be tough. Mostly she seems freaked out.’

  ‘That makes two of us,’ she said as he headed onto the highway.

  Once at his place, Miranda gave him her coat to hang up and started for the kitchen, but he pulled her back and cinched her close.

  They’d had sex once in the last few days, an impromptu coupling after going to bed early. It had been a simple case of rolling towards one another at the same moment, his hairy calf nudging between hers accidentally, and they’d just come together.

  The kiss he gave her now was full of intent. For a moment her body just absorbed the impact as he pressed against her, and as he guided her tongue into his mouth she came back to life. She pushed against him in an unsuccessful attempt to take charge, and found herself locked in by his hands planted on the wall on either side of her.

  Softening while he remained hard, Miranda placed a hand on his chest and the other between his legs. She moaned, the sound garbled by the tongue that twisted around hers, and closed her hand around the shape of his cock.

  Simon lifted his head. ‘I wasn’t hard when I walked in.’

  ‘You’re hard now.’

  Holding his gaze, Miranda unzipped him and took his cock out. For a moment she just held it, hot in her palm, as she looked into his eyes.

  ‘Stay like this for me,’ she whispered, and flicked her tongue against his as she squeezed him. A low rumble slipped from his tongue to hers, and she flashed a wicked grin as she slid down the wall.

  Miranda grasped the waist of his jeans and dragged them to his knees, then splayed her hands on his ass and squeezed down. It grew hotter in the cavern between his body and the wall, sheltering her while in the distance she could hear his throaty grunts and the squeak of his soles against the laminate.

  Four days without this, she thought as she sealed her mouth around him. Four days and she was ravenous for him. The need between her legs was unbearable even through the thin membranes of her thong and leggings. Miranda dropped one hand between her
legs and pressed her middle finger against the damp indentation where her clit had swelled. She dug her nails into his buttocks and with a gurgling moan took as much of his cock as she could.

  ‘No, nooooo,’ Simon said with a breathless laugh and stepped away. ‘No way. If you start rubbing off, I’m going to come in your mouth and be out of commission for a while.’

  Miranda licked her lips. ‘I’m not worried. I know how to get you going again.’

  ‘And it would be a great plan on any other day, but I’ve spent all day resisting the urge to jerk off while thinking about fucking you, all while chasing a little kid around my apartment. I’ve got one go at it tonight. Tomorrow you can have your wicked way with me, but right now I want you in my bed.’

  ‘Ooh, my “wicked way”. I like the sound of that,’ she said as he helped her up. She leaned against him and laughed. ‘That means I can start my day by getting creative in how I might tie you to that platform bed.’

  ‘I’m sure you can come up with something.’

  Simon stepped out of his jeans and there in the hallway his hooded pullover followed. Before she let him go, Miranda ran her hands all over his broad chest and arms, skimmed over his hairy belly and back up again. She cupped his face and invited his hungry kiss, pressed once more against the wall with his cock jutting against her abdomen, but she wouldn’t allow him control this time. She kicked off her flats and stripped off her leggings, leaving them next to the heap of his clothes, then turned the bolt on the door and dragged him to the bedroom.

  ‘Let’s have a dry run, shall we?’ she said, dragging her shirt over her head. She tossed it over her shoulder and on looking back was tickled to discover he had caught it. She flashed him a smile and let her skirt drop. ‘Maybe not dry, per se, but I kind of want to push you around a little.’

  ‘I’ll push back,’ he warned playfully.

  ‘I’m counting on it.’ She opened the nightstand and drew out the three cords of pink rope that had been her restraints not long ago.

  His headboard wasn’t made for being tethered to like hers. There were no rungs and the bed had no legs, but she quickly decided she didn’t need them.