Something You Are

by Hanna Jameson

  I only vaguely remembered the blonde Norwegian girl. It had been at least six months since I had used their services. I remembered that she had a sweet laugh, and a liking for handcuffs.

  ‘Yeah, God, yeah, she was fine. It was nothing like that, I’ve just been really fucking busy, you know.’

  ‘Tell me about it!’ He rolled his eyes and indicated at the two other men to start walking. ‘Come on, walk and talk with me, Nic.’

  We started walking a few paces behind his accomplices. I recognized them as his usual security. The name Ben came to mind with the tallest one, but I couldn’t be sure.

  ‘So what’s up?’ Ronnie said, lighting a cigarette with some difficulty.

  ‘It’s about Felix Hudson,’ I said.

  He leant back a little and watched the windows of a taxi going by. ‘Hudson?’

  ‘You know of him?’

  ‘Yeah, who doesn’t? Why are you asking after him?’

  ‘Just business.’

  ‘Business!’ He laughed. ‘Cheeky fucker, just remember I know what sort of business you do. Now, why are you asking about Hudson?’

  ‘I want to know if he hangs out at the Underground.’

  ‘You know I can’t tell you that.’

  ‘A source says he does.’

  ‘Ha, a source. And you thought you’d come to me for confirmation?’ He shook his head and blew smoke out of his nose. ‘No way, Nic. You’re a stand-up guy but I’m not stupid. You know Edie would fucking castrate me if I started talking about stuff like that.’

  ‘Aw, come on, Ron—’

  ‘No.’ He pointed at me this time, eyes following his hand. ‘Tell me it’s not fucking obvious that you’re only asking me because you know Edie would tell you to get fucked.’

  ‘I’ll tell you what it’s about—’

  ‘Not interested, I can’t help you.’ He looked away with finality. ‘God, Nic, you know you have our loyalty after all you’ve helped us with… but come on, basic confidentiality and all that. Noel will only tell you the same so don’t think about going around me, eh?’

  I had foreseen this reaction and he wasn’t someone open to persuasion. It had been worth a try.

  ‘It’s OK,’ I said, slowing the pace. ‘I can ask elsewhere.’

  ‘Not in the club, you can’t.’ Ronnie’s eyes met mine and he didn’t have to raise his voice to convey the threat. ‘Don’t ask questions in there or it’ll come back to us and then I promise it will come back to you.’

  It wasn’t an empty threat, and I wouldn’t mess with him for any price.

  Brinks it was then.

  Fucking joy.

  ‘Wait, wait.’ Ronnie stopped and threw his cigarette away. ‘Eh, fellas, wait!’

  Ben and the other guy halted in unison and we all followed Ronnie’s gaze across the road. I couldn’t see anything, but he had obviously spotted something or someone of interest. He left my side and stepped off the pavement.

  ‘Oi! Oi, you!’

  There was a small group of boys on the opposite pavement, standing outside a kebab shop and smoking. I guessed they were Turkish, and they looked in their early twenties. Only one of them looked up, until Ronnie shouted again.

  ‘Hey!’ He spread his hands. ‘Long time no fucking see!’

  If I wasn’t mistaken, one of the youngsters noticed him then. He took a step back from his friends, who were looking confused, and dropped his cigarette.

  Ronnie laughed and it made me tense. ‘Fancy a chat?’

  To my surprise, the young guy let out a cry and broke into a sprint.

  Ronnie started running also, punching a fist down on to the bonnet of a car that had to slam on the brakes. The rest of the street watched in bemusement as his two bodyguards followed him and, compelled by curiosity, I started after them.

  I soon overtook the other two, coming up behind Ronnie.

  ‘Come on, you fuck,’ he was muttering as he powered after his prey. ‘Come here.’

  My face was stinging.

  It felt good to run again, but out of respect I didn’t pass Ronnie.

  They rounded a corner, down a narrow alley between a pub and a shop of some kind, and I saw the guy make a leap up a chain-link fence. He made it about halfway up before Ronnie grabbed his ankles and wrenched him off, backwards through the air until he landed, with a yelp, on the ground.

  The other two, bringing up the rear, stopped behind me. One of them, the one with the moustache whose name escaped me, put his hands on his knees, gasping.

  Ronnie didn’t appear out of breath. He gave the guy on the ground an unceremonious kick in the ribs and turned to me, beaming.

  ‘Who’s he?’ I asked.

  ‘Well, it’s a great story, really funny,’ he said, directing his speech at the Turkish boy. ‘See, this guy here, he actually owed me three thousand pounds. I gave him two months to pay it back… three months ago.’

  He burst into hysterical laughter and slapped me across the back. The harsh sound reverberated off both walls and became louder, ringing inside my ears. Ben’s expression didn’t change, but the Turkish guy had started shaking so violently that he looked as though he was suffering convulsions.

  ‘Isn’t that fucking hilarious?’ Ronnie said.

  ‘Pretty funny.’

  ‘I lol-ed myself off my fucking chair.’

  ‘Lol?’ I smiled. ‘Down with the kids?’

  He made a rap gesture with his fingers. ‘’S how I flow.’

  ‘Damn, your kids must wish they could be you.’

  ‘You know what they say,’ he said. ‘You do anything to make your kids laugh, and if it embarrasses them you do it even more. You should hear me at Ryan’s football. He loves it.’

  It was hard to imagine him as a father, I thought, as Ronnie turned his attention back to the Turkish guy.

  ‘You know who this is?’ Ronnie gestured at me, speaking in that drawn-out way that British people do with foreigners. ‘You know him? He fuck you up, yeah? He going to fuck you up? Then you have money, yes?’

  I looked down at him. He was in his twenties and wasn’t wearing a wedding ring. Hopefully, I thought, there weren’t too many family members to be traumatized. If I was really lucky he wouldn’t even have a girlfriend, or siblings.

  He met my eyes and I shrugged at him, not sure what I was trying to say with the gesture.

  ‘Honours?’ Ronnie said, making a sweeping motion with his arm. ‘Go on, you know you want to.’

  It was hard to turn him down; he was one of my most lucrative employers. I didn’t want to, not least because it meant getting forensic all over the street. But it didn’t matter, not really. To my knowledge, I didn’t have a file aside from what had happened to me as a minor. If I did, I wouldn’t be here.

  ‘Please…’ he said, the Turkish guy. ‘Please… no.’

  I glanced back at the road but Ben and his colleague were standing closer together, blocking us from view. It was getting late and I had little interest in who this poor fucker owed money to.

  ‘Please… I’ll get your money!’

  I nodded at Ronnie, thinking that I could put on a bit of a show and get it over with quickly.

  He stepped back.

  ‘Please…’

  I wanted the guy to stop talking and jabbed him in the throat, cutting off the words before they even reached air. It was so fast that for a while his hands flailed, struggling to locate the source of his pain before he started clutching his neck.

  When I landed the first blow I aimed for his face, trying to knock him out. He fell sideways and I kicked him in the ribs once, twice, before he rolled over on to his stomach.

  ‘That’s what I’m talkin’ about,’ Ronnie said.

  I loosened my coat, so that I had more freedom, and brought my heel down on to his lower back, my mind blank aside from the familiar actions. Something cracked. I stamped on his wrist. All I could hear was the grinding of his body jerking against the concrete. It would have been easier with a cricket bat
.

  It was awkward to punch him from this angle so I started kicking him again. There was no resistance, no cowering, no attempt to get me to stop. He had passed out.

  ‘Gently, fucking gently,’ someone said.

  I wiped some sweat from under my fringe and realized my hands were shaking. One final kick and I forced my muscles to a halt. I didn’t think he was dead, but it was hard to tell.

  The expression on Ben’s face made me worry I had overdone it.

  A faint gurgling sound came from deep in the back of the guy’s throat, and I relaxed.

  Ronnie raised his eyebrows at me. ‘You sure you don’t want that drink?’

  ‘No, I’m all right,’ I said, breathing hard. ‘Happy?’

  ‘I’ll owe you some on the house?’

  ‘Hey, fuckers!’

  We all turned in unison, and saw six of them, standing at the end of the alleyway. A few had bats. One or two had kebab knives.

  Fuck, I thought. He was Turkish.

  Their leader, the one with the thickest eyebrows and the most forbidding weapon, stepped forwards. ‘Eh, you think we wouldn’t catch up with you. What about you, fat boy?’

  The last part seemed to be directed at one of Ronnie’s bodyguards; the one who was still out of breath.

  ‘You don’t mess with one of us.’ The Turkish man pointed his blade. ‘I swear to God, I’ll mess up your fucking faces. How about… for every bruise I find on his body, I take a limb, yes?’

  ‘Guys…’ Ronnie spread his hands, moving away from the body on the ground with a strained expression of calm. ‘I don’t have any business with you.’

  They laughed and took a few paces towards us. ‘You do now, fuckers.’

  ‘Guys—’

  One of the knives scraped theatrically along the wall, and for a fleeting second I wondered if any bodies had ever ended up in their kebabs.

  ‘I cut your feet off first, yes?’

  I’d had enough. I took out my automatic and pointed it at their heads. ‘Make this your fucking business!’

  Three of them ran. They were the sensible ones. I wasn’t in the mood for taking threats.

  ‘You! Yeah, you three!’ I made towards the ones who’d stayed, my aim steady. ‘Drop them. Drop your fucking weapons!’

  Two blades and a bat hit the ground. I kicked them away, grabbed their leader by the back of his neck and dragged him back towards their fallen comrade, keeping my gun trained on the other two.

  ‘All of you, on your knees, against the wall.’

  The other two moved slowly.

  I cracked their leader’s head into the brickwork and hurried them along by pointing my gun at them again.

  ‘Move!’

  One of them had already started crying, but they did as I ordered. When they were all on their knees facing the wall, and I was satisfied that they were neutralized, I turned back to Ronnie.

  ‘Right, let’s go.’

  His bodyguards were wide-eyed, spooked as fuck.

  But Ronnie wasn’t done yet. He strode forwards, lip curling, and held out his hand for my gun.

  ‘Fucking mess with me…’ he was muttering.

  ‘Ron, come on, let’s go,’ I said, pretending I hadn’t noticed his gesture.

  ‘Not a fucking chance. Gimme that.’

  ‘Ron—’

  He glared at me, and I gave him the gun.

  The guy to the far right still hadn’t stopped crying, so hysterical that he hacked a mouthful of bile on to the wall.

  ‘Please…’ he said.

  The word was like a parasite, buzzing around my head. Every time, it was please… You’d think that people begging for their lives would make the effort to be more convincing; not so fucking obvious in their lack of worth. I knew it would have annoyed Ronnie too.

  Ronnie walked up to him and held my gun against the back of his head.

  ‘Fuck’s sake, Ron, what are you gonna do?’ I protested.

  ‘You’re about to die,’ Ronnie said, ignoring me and addressing the guy kneeling by the wall. ‘You can’t think of anything better to say?’

  If anything, his sobbing just intensified.

  ‘Come on!’ Ronnie snapped. ‘Let’s say… whoever has the best last words gets to live?’

  Nothing.

  Just a line of trembling shoulders.

  I realized I had been holding my breath, willing Ronnie to leave them. Across the alleyway, his two bodyguards were still watching.

  Ronnie just shrugged, disappointed with their silence. ‘Fine.’

  There was a crack, as the butt of my gun met the back of a skull. The first man, the one who had needed to get hold of himself, crumpled backwards on to the pavement. Without pausing, Ronnie knocked out the second, and by the time he came to the last one the novelty seemed to have worn off and he was starting to look bored.

  I leapt on the chance to defuse the atmosphere. ‘Let’s go!’

  He ignored me, addressing the last man who was conscious. ‘You going to make sure your friend pays his money?’

  The man turned his head a little and I saw the eyebrows move as he spoke, and a small trickle of blood running down his nose. ‘He’s my brother.’

  ‘Really?’ Ronnie nodded. ‘Well, family fuck-ups are a bitch.’

  He shot him through the back of the neck and he fell to the ground.

  I put my hands behind my head.

  Ronnie stepped back as blood crept towards his shoes, and tucked my gun away under his coat.

  The red brick, and the man lying next to it, were stained with a fierce arc of black.

  When Ronnie finally looked at me his expression was challenging.

  ‘Problem?’ he said.

  I contemplated saying something, maybe voicing my irritation over the use of my gun, but then shook my head.

  ‘Good.’ He walked past me towards the main road, leaving me amongst the bodies. ‘If you’re sore about the gun, I’ll buy you a new one. Wanna come for a drink, champ?’

  I stayed in the alley, drained by the brutal waste of such violence. ‘No thanks, maybe another time.’

  The three of them left.

  After a while, I followed them, heading back to my car.

  A double-decker bus roared its way past.

  At first I thought the sensation of my mobile ringing in my pocket was some leftover effect of the adrenalin, but then I came to my senses and answered it without looking at the caller ID. ‘Hello?’

  ‘Is this, um… Nic?’

  It was a lady’s voice, slurring a little. I took the phone away from my ear and saw Clare’s name. ‘Er, yeah. Sorry, this isn’t Clare, is it?’

  ‘No no, um… Look, I’m really sorry but we didn’t know who else to call. She said not to call her husband or whatever and she said to call Nic, so…’

  ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘I’m so sorry. We just went out to this club and… we drank a lot, took some stuff, and Clare’s in a really bad way, she’s a bit off her face. She just really needs someone to come pick her up…’

  I looked at my watch. ‘What’s your name?’

  ‘Um, Steph.’

  ‘Where are you?’

  ‘West End. This club called Gecko, you know it, right?’

  ‘No, but… I’ll come find you. Can you wait outside or something?’

  ‘Yeah yeah, God, thanks. So sorry about this!’

  ‘Fine, whatever. I’ll be there in a… well, soon.’

  I ended the call.

  Sometimes violence calmed me. I didn’t like that it did, but I rarely had a choice in the matter. Mark would have told me to stop worrying, that it was natural to enjoy something that I had chosen to spend my life doing. He was usually right. Maybe it wasn’t me? Maybe it was the rest of the world that had the wrong idea?

  I started walking back to my car, envisioning the Turkish men waking up next to their dead brother and feeling demoralized. Everything had gone into soft focus. Whether I liked it or not, I did feel calm
er.

  22

  It took me almost half an hour to find the club, and most of that was spent trying to park. In the end, I decided to take my chances and left my car across the road from the place the lady had mentioned.

  There was a queue, even at this time. I hadn’t seen a more sorry line of people for a while, dressed in next to nothing and shivering.

  They had said they would be outside.

  ‘Nic?’

  I looked to my right and a brunette in a low-cut pink dress was approaching me, struggling in ridiculous heels. She was extremely tall, and pretty, in an obvious and available sort of way.

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Who we called?’

  ‘Um, assume so. Are you Steph?’

  ‘Oh, thank God.’ She took my arm and led me away from the club with difficulty. ‘We didn’t know what to do, who to call… I mean, neither of us can exactly carry her and we couldn’t get a taxi… We didn’t want to leave her anywhere.’

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘We went out, and we invited her cos, like, she’s going through a hard time and we thought she could have some fun, right?’

  ‘Right…’

  She was talking fast and her eyes were too wide.

  ‘And we took these pills, it was stupid, right, but I know the guy and we’ve never had any problem… We didn’t know who to call. She just told us to call Nic, so we did. I mean, I know she’s married, right, but she said he’s been arrested or something?’

  We rounded a corner and there were two women on a bench, opposite a row of taxis. There was another brunette, in a blue dress, who had the sense to be wearing something warm over it. Lying at an angle, covered with a coat and with her head in her friend’s lap, was Clare.

  ‘And you didn’t call an ambulance?’ I snapped at Steph.

  ‘We um…’ She exchanged a sheepish glance with the other brunette. ‘It’s the pills.’

  Clare stirred and one of her heels fell off. Her legs were bare and the coat didn’t cover them.

  ‘Fuck’s sake,’ I muttered, crouching down. ‘Clare, can you hear me?’

  ‘I don’t know whether she had a bad reaction to the E or if she’s just wasted,’ the other brunette said. ‘We’ve done it before and she’s been fine.’

  ‘Yeah, thanks, that’s helpful,’ I replied without looking at her. ‘Clare, it’s Nic. Can you hear me?’