A Highly Unlikely Scenario, or a Neetsa Pizza Employee's Guide to Saving the World

by Rachel Cantor

  My name is not Dwane! Dwane shouted. Kill the girl, kill the girl! I am your master, Abulafia, I command you!

  Abulafia looked at Sally rather apologetically.

  The voice is unequivocal, he said.

  Dwane’s face was puffed and purple from the exertion of shouting and hating.

  Look! Leonard said, putting the watch in Abulafia’s face. This isn’t your master, this is a face-spotted boy named Dwane.

  Abulafia looked at Dwane and gasped.

  That is not my master! he murmured.

  That’s what I said! Leonard said, clapping Abulafia on the back.

  This is one of the demons! Abulafia said. I am the Messiah! You have been false with me! This is one of the demons I must defeat in order to bring on the End of Days. I am ready for this ultimate battle! I had thought it would be in the presence of the pope that I would do this marvelous thing, but I am ready now!

  I don’t understand, Sally said.

  I am a demon! Dwane shouted. Kill the girl! Kill the girl!

  We Masters of the Name, Abulafia said, use demonic ethers to attain prophetic states and transport ourselves, as well you know. The misuse of these powers by the uninitiated threatens the tender balance between good and evil in our world—your blind rabbi has dedicated himself to preserving that balance, precisely so that the Messiah—so that I—can defeat the forces of evil when the time is right. And the time is right, it is now! If the world were not about to end, I’d point you to Rabbi Isaac ben Yakov Ha-Kohen, who has written of this most eloquently in his Treatise on the Left Emanation. Please excuse me, gentlemen and lady, I must prepare myself for the final struggle … and Abulafia started toward the door.

  Don’t forget to kill the girl! Dwane shouted.

  Wait! Leonard shouted after Abulafia. First let this thing prove itself to be who he says he is. What is your name, demon? Leonard challenged. And you can’t ask the Brazen Head.

  I, uh, I, uh.

  You don’t know your name! Leonard called out. Come on, Dwane, what’s your name?

  I, uh.

  Even this small child here knows the names of all the demons in the third ether, don’t you, Felix?

  I do, Felix said.

  One last chance, Leonard said, as Abulafia approached to look again at Dwane’s face, which was the very picture of befuddlement. Who is the king of the third ether?

  That’s easy! I am! Dwane said, smiling. I am the king-of-everything demon!

  Trick question! Leonard said. Felix, do the clapping song with me, and Felix did.

  Who is the king of the [clap] third ether?

  Trick question!

  There are [clap] three parts to the [clap] third ether!

  Asmodeus is the king of the [clap] upper ether! And Lesser Lilith is his wife!

  Kafkaphony is the king of the [clap] middle ether! And Kafkaphony has two wives!

  Sarita is his wife for the [clap] first six months! Sagrirta is his wife for the second!

  Kafsephony is the king of the [clap] bottom ether! And Mehetzabel is his wife!

  Who is the king of [clap] all the demons?

  Samael is the king of [clap] all the demons! And great Lilith is his wife!

  Oh, yes, Samael is king of [clap] all the demons. Samael is king of them all!

  The demon is a fraud, Abulafia said. I am sorry I doubted you. I am also glad I don’t have to kill you.

  Sally, who had never heard the song, was astonished.

  I knew you knew about the third ether—why wouldn’t you tell me! Felix’s drawing, the one he made for me, it was a drawing of the demons—I knew it was! It matched what I read from the Voynich! Bacon probably studied with your Mr. Kohen!

  Bacon? Abulafia said. Feh! I don’t eat this trayf.

  I was all alone, Sally said to Leonard. I was the only one who could see what I saw. I told you and you made me think I was crazy!

  It was Isaac, Leonard said. He didn’t want you to know. He said you had to choose your destiny first, before you could know.

  I can’t believe you didn’t tell me! I hate you, Leonard! I hate everything about you!

  It wasn’t me! Leonard said, horrified, his ears turning red.

  I hate you wholly and completely! I lied before: you looked stupid running through the streets in your sleepsuit, you should have been embarrassed! I hate you!

  I still think you should kill her, Dwane said.

  Shut up, Dwane! Sally said, grabbing the watch from Leonard’s hand. You’re finished! I’m finished with all of you—all of you! I’m going to find Roger Bacon and never see any of you ever again!

  Me too? Felix asked.

  You can’t get rid of me! Dwane said.

  I can! Sally said. I should have done this ages ago.

  Hit me with your best shot! Dwane said, and giggled.

  I have a question for the Brazen Head! she said. Bring me the Brazen Head!

  A small whirring came from the watch. Leonard looked over Sally’s shoulder: the Head was sitting on his velvet throne and picking his teeth with a gold toothpick.

  Brazen Head! I want you to find evidence that Dwane is real. Go! Now!

  The Head dropped his toothpick. He stared at Sally.

  “Please repeat the question. The Head is having difficulty comprehending.”

  You heard me! Sally shouted. Bring me any evidence you can find that Dwane is real. Go! Now! You’re not allowed to do any other work until you find me this evidence.

  The Head’s face became red; steam began to issue from its ears.

  It will take him three eons and a millennium, she said. He will never find proof and he will never stop looking. After three eons and a millennium, his mechanism will die.

  You! Abulafia said. The three turned to him. He was looking quite fiercely at Sally.

  I can’t believe I didn’t see it before, he said. You also have the gift. I did not know this was possible in a woman. Three in one room? By all rights the world should have broken apart.

  He may have been making a joke, but no one was laughing.

  It hasn’t broken apart because you haven’t yet learned to use your powers, Abulafia said. Not fully. I can help you. You also see the letters dancing, don’t you? You are the sole descendant of Ezra ben Solomon, the elder of Isaac’s two disciples. I can see this now. This is why Isaac is so interested in you. But he wants to control you, dear lady; I want to teach you! Shall I teach you? I can teach you to read those dancing letters—better yet, I can teach you to make them dance! Alone, you will achieve nothing, alone your Special Gift means nothing! Together, there will be nothing you and I cannot do!

  Sally’s face turned white. She looked first at Abulafia, then at Leonard.

  I, uh …, she said.

  You will be a great leader, Abulafia continued. I see who you are now: a leader! You surround yourself with books, but you are meant to lead armies! That is your destiny. To lead the army of the faithful in the ultimate fight against evil! You do not need this one here, he said, referring to Leonard. Leonard fulfilled his destiny simply by being here, in my presence, and caring for that boy. You are destined to do so much more, and you will, with my help. Together, you and I can be the Messiah.

  We can? she said.

  Sally, Leonard said, I need to show you something, and he stroked Sally’s cheek.

  Again her eyes fluttered; she looked like she was thinking about something very far away.

  I know you’re mad at me, Leonard said, but please look at one thing before you make up your mind—and he stroked her other cheek. It wasn’t fair, but he had no choice.

  Sally?

  Mute, Sally nodded, and Leonard removed his hand from her cheek.

  What? she asked. What’s going on?!

  Look, Leonard said, and he concentrated his thoughts into a diamond, and with that diamond etched the song of his heart onto the aleph, so that in it, Sally could see herself. Leading an army—not of strange people from the Middle Ages, but of people she understo
od, her people: barbecuties and Survivalists and flamethrowers, Dada Diner hashslingers and Luddite bakers, friars, alchemists, and optics researchers, wagonette drivers, librarians, and policemen with justice sticks—Cathars, even. She was their leader!

  You will always have your Special Gift, Leonard murmured into her ear. You are your Special Gift, you are our Special Gift. Roger Bacon can’t give you anything you don’t already have, neither can Abulafia. This here, this is your destiny.

  Sally kept looking. She saw the power of Ezra combine with the power of Azriel in a cascade of exquisite explosions. She saw knowledge enter the world, and justice.

  There’s more, Leonard said. Look. You will never be lonely. You will never be alone, not ever again.

  She saw herself as a white-haired woman wearing a general’s round orange cap, bobbling on her knee … a child, her granddaughter, she saw so much joy. A child with ebullient hair and headbeads, who juggled letters and numbers, making the most glorious patterns. The child, this grandchild, looked at Sally through the aleph’s clear haze and smiled.

  Okay, Sally said. I’m ready. I’m ready to go home.

  AFTERWORD

  Meow, said Medusa

  The mechanics of how they returned are not important. Suffice it to say, there was a circle, a mixing of letters in Sally’s head, a silent singing by Leonard of the clapping song, some hopping and dancing according to a well-established pattern, and a mysterious extra ingredient provided by Abulafia, which Sally and Leonard could neither see nor hear.

  As they hurtled, motionless, through space-time, Felix saw a time when he was no longer dumped onto the municipal compost heap, when he and his mother read from his great-grandfather’s books together, and he filled his opus with accounts of what he’d seen in a script no one but he and Sally could understand. Sally saw Isaac’s purpose, and all of Leonard’s journeys. She saw herself organizing a freedom army to establish a postdenominational society where no citizen would be judged by the food they ate. Leonard saw Isaac, who still spoke to him in the voice of his grandfather: Boychik, he said, you did good, you did very very good, you saved the world again, you are a good egg, and that Sally of yours, she’s a good egg, and Felix, now you know: he will never share that opus with anyone but the grandchildren. This was the most important thing we ever ever do. You listening? I’m glad you’re listening, because there’s this Moses de Leon in Spain, your trip to Rome sent psychic waves all bananas over to him and now he’s talkin’ to Shimon bar Yochai eleven centuries before, and we gotta do somethin’. You in? Isaac asked, and Leonard nodded his insubstantial head outside of time and space, which Isaac seemed to understand.

  And in less time than it took for a cat to blink, they were home.

  Meow, said Medusa.

  An Interview with the Author

  Jewish mysticism plays a large part in A Highly Unlikely Scenario, from the characters of Isaac and Abulafia to the clapping song to the idea of ibburs and gilguls. Where does your interest in mysticism come from, and how have you pursued it?

  Every year for about ten years I went on a meditation retreat led by some very interesting rabbis who often talked about Jewish mystical ideas, which I then read more about on my own. In particular, they introduced us to some of Abulafia’s mystical practices, which involve combining Hebrew letters with vowels in particular patterns. These are concentration practices, but also practices of the body, as you breathe in and out with the letters. We learned that these were powerful practices, not to be engaged in lightly or shared willy-nilly with others. It was, in fact, one of these rabbis who inspired A Highly Unlikely Scenario by mentioning (offhandedly?) the incredible proliferation of mystical thinking in the thirteenth century, which is when Abulafia and Isaac the Blind lived. But Jewish mysticism is filled with wonderful ideas—I don’t think I’m done exploring them in fiction.

  Another of your interests appears to be the history of science, including figures like Roger Bacon. Is there something about the omnivorous intellectual curiosity of people like Bacon, who studied optics, astronomy, mathematics, and possibly flying machines (not to mention philosophy and theology), that appeals to you?

  There’s something compelling about thinkers—I won’t call them Renaissance figures, because Roger Bacon was definitely a medieval man—who are interested in everything, who see the connections in everything. Bacon is one of those early scientific figures who doesn’t see neat separations between the material, the spiritual, and the intellectual, and who finds explanations offered by alchemy or theology to be just as compelling as those offered by optics or engineering. He actually did construct a head made of brass (a brazen head) that was meant to serve as oracle. Who wouldn’t want to write about such a figure?

  The world of the novel is meticulously detailed, from the food, clothes, and hairstyles to things like the Hello! lamps on Everything’s-Okay poles. Did you have this particular setting in mind, or did you invent aspects of it as you went along?

  Everything about the book’s invented setting evolved with the book; coming up with these details was one of this book’s great pleasures. Nothing is more fun than starting a sentence not knowing how it will end. While some aspects of the book had to be more controlled, even in the first draft—the cosmology, the three-part structure—most of the details could be invented spontaneously. The Scottish dishes prepared by Carol’s restaurant, however, are all real, and none are probably bite-size!

  You spent some of your childhood in Rome. Did you draw on those memories when you were portraying medieval Rome in the book? What’s your favorite place to visit in Rome?

  A lot of the Roman setting did come from memory—most notably, the itinerary Sally and Leonard follow as they travel around the city: to the river, across the bridge, past the Castel Sant’Angelo, to the old St. Peter’s, down the river, past the island to the Portico of Octavia (the fish market), and on to the Theater of Marcellus. There’s not a lot left in Rome that’s medieval, though, apart from some churches, so I also looked over old maps and read books about the medieval city—its pilgrims, architecture, daily life, weapons, the Inquisition, the Jewish population, and so on. The St. Peter’s in the book, for example, is the old St. Peter’s, which was demolished to make room for the basilica, of Michelangelo fame, that we now see. My favorite Roman places did not make it into the book: the multileveled San Clemente church, for example; or Trastevere, the neighborhood where I grew up; or the flea market at Porta Portese. As well as numerous pizzerie and gelaterie!

  One of the most poignant relationships in the book is the one between Leonard and his grandfather, especially as Leonard realizes what his grandfather was trying to get across to him all those years, with his stories and strange questions. And in a more general sense, the novel seems especially concerned with different generations learning to understand and appreciate each other. I guess what I’m asking is: do you have nephews with magical powers and a grandfather who likes herring?

  Hah! I do have nieces and nephews—four, at last count—each as precocious and precious as Felix, if not more so. This book is dedicated to them, in fact—their imagination and magical sense of what’s possible. It’s also a book about received wisdom, wisdom transmitted from generation to generation. The word Kabbalah refers to what is received (and we remember that receptivity is Leonard’s Special Gift!). Transmission of learning and heritage through the generations is important here, but so is the simpler transmission of love and care between and among generations.

  Reading Group Guide

  1. Rachel Cantor’s A Highly Unlikely Scenario has all the hallmarks of a traditional work of science fiction—time travel, a futuristic world, artificial intelligence. When you were reading A Highly Unlikely Scenario, did you feel like you were reading science fiction? Was there anything in the text that you were surprised to find in a science fiction novel?

  2. Food is everywhere in this book. Leonard, the novel’s protagonist, is “a good egg” (this page) who works in the complai
nts department of Neetsa Pizza—a fast-food company that sells “pizza shaped according to Pythagorean principles” (this page). His sister, Carol, makes “revolutionary stew” with “ingredients [that] remind us of our agrarian past” (this page). And the novel is populated by groups that identify themselves through food: “Survivalists wearing camouflage and offering samples of dried chipmunk; Heraclitan Grill flamethrowers in their characteristic fireproof togs; also, royal pages from the monarchists’ Food Court, [and] barbecuties from the Whiggery Piggery (this page).” What is the significance of food in Cantor’s novel? Is food really at the center of the novel, or does Cantor use food as a vehicle for talking about ideas that are more central to the text?

  3. What does it say about the world in which the novel is set that the legacies of many of history’s most important mystics, theologians, and thinkers have been appropriated by a “parastatal corporation” (this page) like Neetsa Pizza that uses their ideas as advertising tools? Do you think a statement is being made about the place of spirituality and mysticism in our world? What do you think that statement might be?

  4. The Brazen Head (which is based on stories of real automatons capable of answering any question) often seems like a more animated, opinionated version of Wikipedia. And it, like Wikipedia, proves in the end to have real people behind it, capable of making mistakes and having particular agendas. What do you think of sources that appear to be authoritative? Have you ever contributed to Wikipedia, and did that change your perception of it?

  5. As the plot progresses, Leonard discovers that Felix, his nephew, has many special powers, including the ability to freeze time and read the writing in the never-before-deciphered Voynich manuscript. How do Felix’s special powers change the nature of the relationship between Leonard and himself? And between himself and Sally?

  6. Isaac the Blind’s main aim in the book is to prevent mystical knowledge—such as the kind that Marco Polo and Roger Bacon learn about during their respective journeys—from getting into the wrong hands. Do you think that the circulation of knowledge can or should be restricted? Is there any knowledge that would be dangerous in the wrong hands?