Captive (The Survival Race)

by K. M. Fawcett

  “No.” He gathered his survival knife, a canteen, a bowl, and the food sack Yakone gave her to feed the wolves, and then jumped out.

  Addy repressed the guilt that started welling inside for bringing up his old life. It wasn’t her fault Max’s past wasn’t left in the past. If he could only understand that no matter how much he tried running, his past would always keep pace with him, drafting off his shoulder and breathing down his neck. One day he’d have to stop running and face it.

  Sound advice, Addy. Maybe you should follow it, too.

  She shook off the thought. She had meant him, not her.

  Her watch alarm sounded.

  By the time Max climbed back in, Addy had taken her prenatal shot, reapplied thermal cream to certain cold areas, and rationed out some food. Max ate in silence as he drove the team.

  “I’m sorry,” she said when she finished eating, “for everything you’ve lost, Max. For everything they’ve done to you. But you’re not alone. They stole my life, too.”

  She moved to sit next to him again. “I had recently bought a log cabin on a secluded lake. It was perfect. It was my sanctuary. But one night, my life went up in flames. Literally. And though home is worlds away, it’s not gone. It’s in here.” She tapped her chest.

  “Yeah, well, I don’t want it in my heart or my head.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because it’s a bogus point of reference. It’s not reality. This is. Earth was just a dream I woke up from. And there’s no sense discussing dreams.”

  “But—”

  “Hell, woman. No more talking.” He slapped the reins, pushing the wolves faster.

  Chapter Thirty-four

  Ye just had to slit the man’s throat, didn’t ye?” Duncan called down from Ferly Mor’s arms. Regan remained at Ferly Mor’s heel while the Hyborean “talked” with the Tuniit chief standing on the other side of the ice cage.

  “What’s the big fucking deal? He dies, they reawaken him. So what? Why the hell are we locked in here?”

  “Quiet, lad. I’m trying to understand the Hyboreans.”

  If that old fart weren’t in his master’s arms right now, he’d beat him to death. He clenched a fist and smacked it into his open palm imagining it was Duncan’s face.

  They’d been so close. Only one day behind. And now they were trapped in a cage made of ice. The Tuniits had confiscated his weapons and Ferly Mor’s tech-ring. How long before they got their things back and could leave this techless wasteland?

  If he didn’t capture and return Xanthrag’s special broodmare... He almost shuddered at the thought. But didn’t. Shuddering displayed weakness.

  Minutes later, Ferly Mor placed Duncan on the snow-covered floor before flopping his large hairy body down as well. His legs sprawled out in front of him, and he leaned his back and head against the wall and closed his eyes. Failure and misery emanated from the Hyborean like a reawakened gladiator after losing a survival race.

  Stupid Hyborean. If Xanthrag were here instead of Ferly Mor, they would have been freed by now.

  Duncan hurried over to Regan, who asked, “Well? What did that Neanderthal say?”

  “The Tuniits are primitive Hyboreans, to be sure. I think their ancestors’ spirits are angry at the evil Ferly Mor brought.”

  Regan couldn’t help but laugh at that. He wasn’t evil. He was a warrior.

  “Ferly Mor offered his healing skills, but they refused. They believe it to be dark magic. Can ye believe that? He could have easily reawakened the man.”

  “Screw the guy. What about us?”

  “The Tuniits will discuss our fate and return with a decision.”

  “How long?”

  Duncan shrugged. “I dinna ken, lad. We must have patience.”

  “Patience is a fancy word for ‘wasting time.’ You sure you understood everything?”

  “Aye. The closer I am to Ferly Mor, the more precisely I can interpret his emotions and thoughts.”

  “And what of my broodmare? How long before she hits open seas?”

  “Traveling that distance by wolf-drawn sleigh? I’d say about twelve days. Providing she survives the birth.” His last words came out soft, tentative.

  She’d better survive the birth. If she died, Xanthrag would torture Regan for not tracking her down in time.

  Goddamn bitch would cause his ultimortem.

  Chapter Thirty-five

  For three days Max brooded in silence, only speaking occasionally when it was time to eat, rest, or stand guard while the other slept. And then it was just a few words.

  At least she had Superbaby to keep her company and to remind her she wasn’t completely alone in this world. The baby flip-flopped and kicked her and stretched her thermal suit, reminding her of the movie Alien. As if she needed any more reminders of those.

  It was an active little sucker, she’d give it that. Was it a boy or a girl? Would its hair be strawberry-blonde like hers or dark like Max’s? What color would its eyes be?

  Of course, she was in no hurry to find out. For as much joy she received from the baby inside her, thoughts of the baby outside her were terrifying.

  How would she know what to do when it came? She didn’t know the first thing about caring for a baby. She grew up a tomboy and preferred climbing trees and catching frogs to playing house or dress-up. She’d never even diapered a doll.

  Her baby moved. She stroked a little hard bump she assumed was the head. How did this little miracle growing inside her simultaneously delight and frighten her so much? The only thing worse than being scared for her baby and their uncertain future was not being able to share those feelings with anyone. Max didn’t even want to talk about himself. Why would he want to talk about the baby and her fears?

  Though technically not alone, loneliness tore her heart, and she ached deeply in the fiber of her soul.

  She knew of only one other person who had felt this same way. Mom. And in that instant she felt closer to her mother than she’d ever had.

  Only Mom had isolated herself. She had allowed her loneliness to consume her and damage her relationships. Why couldn’t her mother have admitted she needed someone? That she’d needed love. That she’d deserved love.

  Why had it been so hard for Mom to tell her only child that she loved her?

  That was one mistake Addy would never repeat. Every day for the rest of her life, she’d tell Superbaby how much she loved her...or him. A lump formed in her throat. She closed her eyes, concentrated on her breathing, refused to shed more tears over her mother.

  What good would that do, anyway? Mom was gone. She’d never see her again or hear the three words she had prayed for since she had been a little girl. The only thing in her power now was forgiveness.

  It was time to face her past and forgive.

  Still with eyes closed, she turned inward, blocking the sound of the howling wind outside the tent, blocking the wolves’ pounding steps and the sleigh scraping the ice. All thoughts receded until her mind’s eye had one clear image.

  Her mother.

  Wearing her mountain rescue uniform. Standing on her back porch under a starry night, staring into the woodland behind her home, her long blonde hair swaying in a summer breeze. She was holding Zira, scratching the cat’s ears, kissing the top of her furry head. Mom never had a problem giving her love to animals. People, on the other hand, were another matter.

  I know you were scared, Mom, Addy said in her mind. I know you did the best you could. I forgive you.

  Out of nowhere, Addy heard a reply, No one is a planet unto herself.

  Her eyes flew open. Her heart palpitated. She had hoped meditating about forgiving her mother would result in a little peace of mind and spirit. She’d never imagined it would have resulted in her subconscious doling out advice.

  But it was right. She needed Max.

  And whether he admitted it or not, he needed her, too.

  Addy left the tent to sit next to Max on the driver’s bench. His eyes were shining thi
s morning. The lines beneath his bearded face were smooth, amiable. He appeared to be in a good mood—a human mood—and she wondered if it was due to the bright and clear day or the gentle wind at their backs.

  “I want to show you something.” She took his left hand. He didn’t resist when she placed it on her belly.

  “It moved.” There was no mistaking the awe in his voice or the heaviness of his gloved hand as he pressed it firmly against her. “It moved again.”

  “I think it has the hiccups.”

  “Get out of town. Babies get hiccups in there?”

  She shrugged. “I guess so. It’s too rhythmic to be anything else.”

  “Maybe he’s using you as a punching bag while he practices his jabs.” He punched the air a couple of times before taking the reins again.

  Addy smiled with relief; he was not only in a receptive mood, but a playful one. How long would that last? She gathered up her nerve.

  “I’m scared, Max. This baby is coming in twelve weeks and I’m not ready. I don’t know how to give birth. And I don’t know how to care for a baby.”

  “We’ll be at the wildlife refuge before then. I’ll find someone to help you.”

  She nodded, even though doubt weaved through her mind. How many people lived there? Would they accept outsiders? Would they feel inclined to help?

  “What do you think the refuge is like?” she asked.

  “I suppose it’s a hard life. Like pioneers in the Old West. Hunting, trapping, struggling for survival. A life of blood, sweat, and tears. And a life far better than what I deserve.”

  Her heart ached for him. “How can you say that?”

  “Because it’s true.” Tension tightened the muscles in his jaw. His eyes narrowed and then focused on the wolf team. He was on the verge of shutting down. Again.

  “No man is a planet unto himself, Max. Please, talk to me.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Yes, you can. You know, when you hold captive something that needs to be set free, it turns on you and takes its revenge. Believe me, I know. Let go of your pain.”

  He continued looking straight ahead, but his eyes didn’t appear focused on the team or the snowy terrain. He was staring into space, deep in thought. “Suppose,” he began and stopped. “Suppose I deserve its revenge? Suppose I deserve worse?”

  “No one deserves what you’ve gone through.”

  “You wouldn’t say that if you knew what I’ve done.”

  “You’re wrong about that. Besides,” she said, keeping her tone light, “I can’t know what you don’t tell me.”

  “Right.” He was quiet for a moment. “Tell you what. Let’s make an accord. If you don’t change your tune after I open my scars, you get my rations.”

  “You’re on.” She reached out her hand to shake on the bet.

  “But.” He met her gaze with his. “You have to open your scars first. I’m curious. What pain did you free?”

  Judging by his smug expression, Max must have believed he had outsmarted her. He probably figured she’d never confide in him, so naturally he wouldn’t have to confide in her. Didn’t he know women at all?

  “Like I said—” she held out her hand “—you’re on.”

  With a look of satisfaction, not surprise, he ignored her gloved hand and placed two fingers to his lips repeating the bet. When he was finished he rested his hand on her chest. Could he feel her pounding from his touch?

  “Where to start?” she said, and out of habit began picking under her fingernails. It didn’t work so well with gloves on. “Basically, I messed up my mother’s entire life before I was even born. She got pregnant at nineteen, which somehow was my fault, and she resented me ever since. I stole her youth. I scared the man she loved out of marrying her. And I caused her to miss career opportunities.

  “My parents were in the Wilderness Rescue. Mom was really good at her job, but her husband was also her superior and wouldn’t allow her to do much because of me. They argued about that a lot. I remember one night she yelled at him that if she hadn’t had a baby, she would’ve had his job years ago and she’d be his superior.”

  Strands of hair whipped across her face. She pulled them out of her eyes and tucked them back into the hood of her thermal suit.

  “I never got into trouble, had nearly all As in school, made captain of the softball team, but none of it mattered. I couldn’t make her happy. I thought if I was extra good and did everything on my own, maybe she’d...love me.”

  Addy swallowed the lump in her throat. “Depending on only yourself for so long makes it difficult to trust others.”

  He nodded in understanding. His eyes grew sad and his shoulders rounded. Of all people, Max truly did understand. Sharing this with him made her heart grow lighter.

  “I was determined not to wind up like her. Ironic, right?” She cradled her belly, and smiled at the little body parts stretching and moving beneath her thermal suit.

  “I’m sorry.” By his tone she knew it was for more than her story. He was sorry she was pregnant.

  “Don’t be. In some odd way this baby has actually brought me closer to my mom, if that makes any sense. I understand what she went through now. What she was thinking, feeling. How scared she must have been. Which was probably why she married the first man who came along.

  “Don’t get me wrong. My father’s a great guy. He loved me like I was his own flesh and blood. But Mom never loved him and wouldn’t have married him if not for me. A baby changes everything, but unlike my mother I’ve made a decision to embrace that change.”

  A gentle touch on Max’s arm made him turn her way. He had to see her eyes. He had to know what she was about to say was the truth.

  “I don’t resent this baby.”

  * * *

  Her eyes were genuine. The relief in knowing she didn’t resent his child surprised him. He’d tried so hard not to care. “That’s good,” he said, though he really wanted to ask if she still resented him. But he already knew that answer. Of course she did. “How did you let go of your pain?”

  “I forgave my mom.”

  “Just like that?”

  “It took a while. And the scars are still healing. But I feel so much freer. Like I can start moving forward with my life rather than living in fear of the past.”

  Damn, she was a strong woman. “I can’t do that.”

  “Of course you can.”

  “How?”

  Her hand touched his arm again. It wasn’t to gain his attention this time. She already had that. It was to offer support as a friend might do for another. “The first thing you have to do is face your pain. You have to acknowledge it.”

  That was the whole problem. He didn’t want to acknowledge it. He’d never spoken about it. Ever. Hell, he’d even blocked it from his thoughts. To remember it would be to live the torture again. But she had opened her wounds and bled for him, and now it was his turn. He’d promised.

  Max took in a deep breath and exhaled a long white cloud. “I was nineteen when my cousin set up an adventure trip—hiking, camping, rafting—for two of his buddies and me. My kid brother tagged along, too. My mom almost didn’t let him go at first. He was fourteen and the other guys were college seniors. But he begged, and I promised to watch out for the little dude, so she gave in.

  “One night we were in the mountains playing poker by campfire. There were six of us including a hiker who’d found our camp that day. After a few hands, we heard bears in the brush near our site, so we made noise to scare them away.

  “Cocky bastard that I was, I shot-put a rock the size of a grapefruit at one. Hit it pretty hard, too. But I just pissed it off. I didn’t understand it then, but I could actually feel its anger all around me. It was like this eerie fog of hatred rolled into the campsite. Someone else must have felt the same freaky thing, because they shouted the mountain was haunted. That’s when Hell broke loose. The bears charged the camp—only they weren’t bears, they were Hyboreans. My cousin’s buddies took off. Four
of us stayed to fight but never got the chance. They hit us with tranquilizer darts.

  “We woke up in cages with eighty other guys, and were surrounded by aliens. My kid brother was terrified. He clung to me like a burr to a T-shirt. I won’t lie. I was terrified, too. A Hyborean grabbed me and I tried to fight him, but got shocked and taken away.”

  Old anger surfaced sharp and raw. He slapped the reins hard and hollered at the team. It wasn’t necessary, but did make him feel better. As did Addy’s hand squeezing his arm for encouragement. He almost didn’t want to continue. When she heard what he’d done, she wouldn’t ever want to touch him again. But he had to go on. He had to purge his soul. Besides, he’d promised.

  “I woke inside a filthy Yard crammed full with gladiators and spent the next five years getting the snot beat out of me. I did everything I could to survive. I learned hand-to-hand combat, sword fighting, archery, and anything anyone would teach me. I learned what I could eat, and what could eat me. I analyzed survival races—not so I could win, but so I’d know enough about the planet and the aliens to escape.

  “Then one day I’m thrown into a real survival race. This huge guy charges me, hollering. I’ve been practicing for this moment for five years. Pumped up on adrenaline, I throw my spear like a jav. It sailed perfectly. Pierced him dead center in the heart. Killed him instantly. I can still remember that power rush, that exhileration I enjoyed from taking my first life. It was only after the guy fell when I realized he’d been calling my name.

  “I—I didn’t recognize him. He had long hair and a beard. He was at least six feet tall with an extra hundred pounds of pure muscle. Alien bastards must have pumped him with ’roids. I couldn’t believe he was the first man I murdered. But there he was, lying at my feet, staring through me with dead eyes.”

  “Who, Max?”

  “Cameron. My kid brother.”

  He’d expected her to scream, to jump away from him, to cry he was a monster. Because he truly was one. What else do you call someone who took the life of his baby brother and gained pleasure from it?