by Caragh Bell
‘Are you okay?’ she asked.
He nodded. ‘I’ll survive. I guess I deserved it, huh?’ He gave her a lopsided grin.
She said nothing.
‘Can I come up?’ His blue eyes stared at her.
Lydia thought about it for a moment. Why not? There was no going back.
‘Okay,’ she conceded. ‘I can’t say that I’ll be much company though.’
Luca closed the door behind him. The flat was in its usual state of disarray. The TV was on, but the sound was mute.
‘Coffee?’ asked Lydia mechanically, filling the kettle.
‘Sure.’
He took a seat at the kitchen table and watched her put two teaspoons of Nescafé into two mugs. She looked thinner than normal. Shit, she must be real upset.
‘How’s the thesis going?’
She paled.
Damn, he shouldn’t have mentioned that. ‘I’m not doing much either,’ he consoled her. ‘Don’t sweat it.’
She took a tentative sip. ‘I don’t think I’ll ever get it back on track. I’ve lost too much time.’
‘You will. Let’s do it together.’
She arched an eyebrow. ‘I don’t think so. I need to concentrate and that is something I can’t do with you around.’ She gave him a half smile.
He got a warm feeling inside. That was a positive thing to say. He pressed on.
‘Seriously, Lyd, we could help each other out. Mimi will bust my ass if I flunk this.’
She nodded in agreement. ‘My parents will murder me. I feel so bad.’
‘How about it?’
She laughed. ‘We’ll see.’
‘You want to do something today?’
She shrugged.
‘We could go to the flicks.’
‘Nah. I can’t concentrate.’
‘Bowling? Paint balling? Kayaking?’
‘Don’t be fatuous.’
‘We could have sex?’
Her expression darkened. ‘Don’t even go there.’
‘Hey, chill out. I’m only playing.’
She fiddled with her teaspoon. She felt numb. It was odd really. She had never witnessed a confrontation like that in her life. Dom punching Luca was like a scene from a film. She certainly didn’t feel like the heroine: the femme fatale that had men fighting over her. Instead, she felt empty. She wished that she could go to sleep and forget everything.
Glancing over at Luca, she was again jolted by his beauty.
The guy was truly gorgeous and he wanted her. Or so he claimed.
Yet she could not muster any enthusiasm. It was like everything was tainted. Everything was wrong somehow. A dark cloud hovered over everything, leaving her with sadness in her heart.
‘We could go for a walk,’ she suggested, draining her coffee. ‘I could do with some air.’
‘Sure. Get dressed and we’ll go.’ His face lit up.
She got to her feet and stretched. ‘Do you mind if I take a quick shower?’
‘Can I come with?’ He gave her a smouldering look.
‘No.’ She managed half a smile. ‘No way.’
‘I’m playing again.’
‘Good.’
Chapter 45
They walked along the river.
‘What will you do after the Master’s?’
Lydia smiled. She liked the way he said ‘Maaster’s’.
‘Well, I had planned on moving in with Dom, but I suppose that’s off the cards now.’
Luca bit his lip. He had to stay cool; it was important not to push.
‘I guess I’ll go back to the States, thanks for asking.’
‘Sorry, I’m in my own world.’
They stopped by the old stone bridge near the entrance to the university.
‘Do you remember Paris?’ he asked suddenly. ‘This reminds me of it. You know, you and me, walking ...’
Lydia smiled at the memory.
‘Remember when we stopped at that wine bar and had vin chaud?’
‘And you ended up singing the American National Anthem with that old guy.’
Luca laughed. ‘Good times, good times.’
Lydia’s expression changed. ‘If only ...’
‘If only what?’
‘If only we had met under different circumstances. If only I could remember Paris without feeling like shit.’
He put his hand on hers and squeezed. ‘This will fade. All of this will go away and then we can try again.’
‘I suppose.’
‘We can,’ he insisted. ‘You just need to let go of your Catholic guilt.’
Lydia forced a smile. She wasn’t so sure. There was an idea forming in her mind of what she was going to do. Her path in life was no longer an English Master’s. That she understood. She had made a mess of the whole thing.
For the first time in her life she felt free. Free of expectation and liberated from the limitations of being a good girl. Her relationship with Dominic had shielded her from the world for so long. It was only now that she realised that everyone had married them off years ago. The announcement of their engagement was expected; her family and friends saw them as one entity. Was that what she wanted? To go straight into a marriage with a guy she met in college? All her life she had done the right thing. All her life she had studied, gone to dance class, pleased her parents and brought home the perfect guy. The wildest thing she had ever done was take a drag of a joint at a party in First Arts. She had forgotten that the world was a huge scary place: a place that deserved to be explored and experienced.
Her affair with Luca had hurt a lot of people, but it had also woken her up. She suddenly knew that her destiny was different; she had a new path to follow. She knew in her heart that she needed to break away from her old life, but she wasn’t quite sure how to do this yet.
She stared at the fast-flowing water and bit her lip. She would think about this later. Luca was giving her funny looks. She knew that he was hoping for them to pick up where they left off. That was another hurdle.
‘Let’s go grab a bite. McD’s?’ she suggested brightly, flicking her hair back out of her face.
He nodded enthusiastically, relieved that she had snapped out of her sombre reflection. ‘Awesome. I’m buying though, okay?’
She didn’t argue. Linking arms, they crossed the street and headed into town.
Helen Kelly bit her lip. She didn’t know what to say. Seán had stalked out as soon as Lydia had mentioned the word ‘affair’. Dominic was almost like a son to him. What was she thinking? Why did she do it?
‘Who was it, Lyd?’ She surveyed her daughter sternly.
‘Do you remember Luca?’
The American. It didn’t surprise Helen. She had felt uneasy the moment she had laid eyes on him. He was too good-looking, too flighty for Lydia. Why did she not see that? Dominic was perfect: a nice boy who was steady and reliable. If only she had her mother’s wisdom ...
‘I don’t know what to say, Lydia. You’ve made a royal mess of things. What were you thinking going off with a boy like that? Anyone can see that he’s not suitable.’
‘I know,’ she answered dolefully. ‘And that’s not all. I have to give up my course. It’s not suiting me at all.’
Helen looked at her sharply. ‘What did you say?’
‘It’s just that it’s not what I thought. I think I need some time out, you know, to figure out what I’m going to do.’
‘What did she just say?’ Seán Kelly had re-entered the room through the back door and was listening intently. ‘What are you talking about, Lydia?’
She swung around. ‘You two want me to be happy, don’t you? Well, I’m not happy doing an English Master’s. I want to travel, work as a waitress for a while, live my life.’
Helen got to her feet in a panic. Her husband’s face was like thunder. ‘Seán, go out and get me some coal so I can light the fire.’
‘You want to do what?’ His voice was dangerously low.
Lydia sensed his fury, but stuck to he
r guns. ‘I’ll work like crazy to pay you back for the fees – you won’t be out of pocket if that’s what you’re worried about.’
‘Work as a waitress? Work as a waitress?’
She covered her ears.
‘Seán! Calm down. You’ll have a coronary.’ Helen pulled him away. ‘Now, go and get some coal!’
‘Are you off your head, young woman? After your fine education, you want to give it all up? Look at Sarah and Sam in their grand jobs. Why didn’t you take my advice and go teaching? It’s dependable; it has a good pension ...’
‘I never wanted to be a fucking teacher, don’t you understand?’ Lydia sprang to her feet. ‘I want to live my life. I’m sick of being a good girl, of doing what’s expected of me. I want to make mistakes and be wild. I want to meet new people. Is that so wrong?’
‘Wrong? Have you lost your mind?’
Helen pulled her husband out of the door. ‘I’ll handle this, Seán,’ she said firmly.
The door closed.
‘Now, young lady, we need to talk.’
Lydia cringed. She knew that tone of voice.
‘First of all, let’s discuss Dominic. Start from the beginning.’
Colin’s eyes were wide.
‘You poor thing! Auntie Hel said ‘young lady’. That’s bad.’ He put sugar in his espresso and stirred.
Lydia shrugged. ‘I stuck to my guns. I refused to let them bully me. They have to realise that I’m an adult. That I’m not Sarah, that I need to do this.’
‘Do what, exactly?’
Lydia stared into space. ‘I’m going away for a while.’
‘What? Where?’ His brown eyes widened in alarm.
‘Paris. I’m going to get a job and rent a room and experience Parisian life.’ She didn’t dare look at him.
‘But, why?’
‘The Luca thing made me realise that apart from my affair with him I’ve never gone crazy and done stupid things!’
‘What’s on your itinerary?’ asked Colin, scornfully. ‘Break into Chanel? Blow up the Eiffel Tower?’
‘No. Nothing like that. I just want some space.’ Her face was set. ‘I need to start again.’
‘Jesus, Lyd, it’s a bit extreme. Why throw away the whole year?’
‘You sound like my dad.’
‘Jeez, thanks,’ said Colin making a face. ‘It’s just, I’ll miss you. I mean, we’ve always been together. What will I do? Who will I hang around with?’
Lydia’s expression softened. ‘You can visit. And you’ll have one up on me, being a Master of English and all.’
Colin thought about it and smiled. ‘That is cool, I suppose. I’ll be more educated and infinitely more sophisticated.’ He warmed to the idea. ‘I love city breaks too, so things might not be too bad after all. I could pop over for Paris Fashion Week. Save a space on the floor of your dingy flat.’
She squeezed his arm. ‘Now, keep that beautiful mouth shut. This will take planning. I have to tell Sam and try and get Craig to move in to make rent.’
‘I won’t tell anyone.’
‘Promise?’ Her eyes pleaded with him.
‘I swear.’ He put his hand on his heart. ‘Not a word.’
Samantha gasped. ‘You’re leaving? Why? Why, Lyd?’
‘I want to,’ she answered simply.
‘What a waste –’
‘Please don’t!’ She cut her off. ‘I’ve heard it a million times.’
‘Where will you go?’
‘Remember Claudine? My French exchange? Her boyfriend runs a restaurant on the Left Bank. She said he’ll give me some shifts to get me started.’
‘Where will you live?’ Samantha sat down, her face genuinely shocked.
‘With Claude to start. She has a spare room. Then I’ll move on once I get to know people.’
‘When do you leave?’ He friend’s eyes filled with tears.
‘Next Friday.’
Samantha did a double take. ‘This Friday? As in four days?’
‘They need a waitress right now. I can’t wait around. The flight cost a mint as it’s so soon, but I got a ticket.’
Samantha took a deep breath. ‘Oh Lyd, this is too sudden. I can’t take it in.’
‘I’m sorry, Sam. I know how bizarre this looks, but I know what I’m doing.’
‘When do you start work?’ Her brown eyes were shocked.
‘Saturday lunchtime. I’ll just bring bread and refill water jugs for the first few days until I get the hang of it.’
‘But Friday? It’s so soon. I can’t believe it.’ Samantha wiped away a tear.
Lydia nodded. ‘I’ll pay rent until you fill the room. I was thinking that Craig could maybe ...’ She trailed off.
Samantha blushed. ‘God, I don’t know. That’s a big step.’
‘Think about it.’
‘I’ll say it to him but I don’t know ...’ She trailed off.
‘I think it would be great for you.’ Lydia felt herself well up. ‘Well, that’s it. That’s all my news.’
Samantha grasped her hand. ‘I’m going to miss you. I mean, who will make me pesto chicken?’
Lydia smiled through her tears. ‘I’ll miss you, too. It won’t be forever. Well, unless I meet a hot French guy with loads of money and end up living in a posh part of Paris.’
‘I wouldn’t be surprised.’ Samantha smiled. ‘Let’s go out for dinner. Let’s celebrate your new beginning.’
Lydia hugged her friend. ‘I’d love that.’ She pulled away and looked at her best friend with love. ‘Sam?’
‘Yeah?’
‘Thank you.’
‘For what?’
‘For everything.’
Lydia searched the restaurant for him. Although he had agreed to meet her, she half expected him not to turn up. Suddenly she spotted him over by the window. She took a deep breath and walked purposefully over. Dominic’s face was stony. He nodded curtly as she sat down.
‘Hi, Dom,’ she whispered.
‘Let’s get to the point. What do you want?’
His abrupt tone made her wince. Then again, what did she expect? She had broken his heart.
‘I’m moving away. What I mean is, I’m dropping out of college and moving to France.’
He raised an eyebrow. ‘So?’
Her cheeks reddened. ‘I just wanted to tell you.’
He got to his feet. ‘So, you’ve told me. Goodbye, Lydia.’
He put on his black jacket: the jacket she had given him for his birthday last year. She felt nauseated.
‘Dom, please – please wait!’ She pulled at his sleeve. ‘I just want us to leave on good terms.’
‘Why exactly?’ he asked his eyes flashing. ‘So that you can feel better about yourself? So that you can ease your conscience?’
‘No, no, that’s not why. I just want us to be friends.’
‘Friends?’ he echoed softly. ‘We can never be friends. You betrayed me. You took my heart and stamped on it. You have fucked up my life.’
‘I didn’t mean to. I swear, I didn’t.’ She tried to grasp his hand but he pushed her savagely away. ‘Please forgive me.’
‘Goodbye, Lydia. Good luck with whatever you do.’ He threw five euro on the table. ‘That should cover my coffee.’
He stalked off without looking back.
Lydia put her head in her hands and started to sob. Tears flowed as though a dam had burst. He hated her; he truly hated her. She deserved it, but it hurt like crazy. She had really thought that he would forgive her. That they could part on good terms. How naïve was that?
The waiter arrived to take the money, but when he saw Lydia he turned on his heel and walked away. She cut a pathetic figure hunched over the table like that. He would wait until she pulled herself together before he approached her again. Dealing with emotional women was not in his job description.
Her room looked bare when she had packed everything. She knew leaving this quickly was reckless but it was the best thing to do. She placed her Pro
ust book containing Luca’s drawing in her handbag. That she could not leave behind.
She had visited Brendan Cleary and told him that she was dropping out. He had been surprised and predictably disapproving, but she didn’t care. She didn’t quite know how she felt about that yet. Would she regret it? Perhaps. At this point, it didn’t matter. She could taste her new life. It was like honey; it tantalised her and tempted her.
Her parents had come around; just like she knew they would. Helen had called, telling her that they loved her and would support her no matter what.
She had debated whether to text Dominic, but had decided against it. He was no longer part of her life. Memories of their time together haunted her. Photos, Christmas presents, clothes he had left in her wardrobe, love letters … He had been an integral part of her life for so long, it was hard to forget. This fresh start would help all of this to fade. A new environment was just what she needed.
She had told Sam, Colin and all the people that were important to her.
Well, almost all.
She still had to tell Luca.
Or did she?
They weren’t a couple; she didn’t owe him anything. Did she really want the hassle and stress of explaining? She suspected that he would be opposed to the idea. It was only yesterday that he’d suggested that she go back to New York with him. It sounded tempting and exciting, but Paris was the better option.
Luca really thought they had a future, but he was blinkered. Blinded by this new emotion he thought was love. Sure, things were great between them at the moment, but she wasn’t stupid. It would only be a matter of time before he looked at someone else. Was she being cruel? Was she judging him prematurely? She couldn’t take that chance. Anyway, Cosmo always said never to go from a long relationship straight into another one.
‘Lydia! Are you ready?’ Colin was waiting at the front door. ‘My car won’t take much more.’
‘Coming!’
She closed the door. Colin was taking her home to drop off her things. All she needed to take with her to Paris was a small suitcase with essentials. She had to say goodbye to her family and then she was all set.
