by Jordan Marie
I may be in hell, and it’s what I deserve. I’m just starting to see how deep the hurt I’ve brought to Nicole has gone. I did what I had to do for the good of the club. Trouble is picking the club over Nicole, may have caused me to lose her. At the time, it seemed like a brilliant plan. Brilliant…because I’m fucking stupid.
I needed to shut Kavanagh down, I needed to do it quickly. When Crusher called and said he had Dani, I knew it was just a matter of time before the viper tried to strike again. I wanted him to think he had won. I wanted to lure him into attacking on a day and time of my choosing. It took a lot of work, but losing Frog was the last straw. I had no choice, my club has been going to hell for way too long. I needed to get back to the President I was before Nicole. I’ve become too relaxed, which implies weakness, and in turn gets people killed. So, I made my choice. I pulled in Dancer, Skull, and the rest of the crew, and kept Crusher and Bull in the dark, because their heads were not in the game. I made that choice. Crusher has fucked up and gone against my orders too many damned times for me to trust him. Bull? Fuck, I don’t even know where his head is at, but I do know as club enforcer, he should have made sure our vehicles were safe and security at the church should have been double what it was. Those are just plain facts. So, I made a motherfucking choice I didn’t want to. It’s what a President does. It’s one I should have made sooner and because I didn’t, we lost a man—a good man.
Still, making that choice came at a cost. I know it hurt Nicole. I know it tore her heart out. I saw it firsthand. Watching her hurt and grieve tore me up inside. I watched her from a distance, I held her after she fell asleep, all the time repeating in my head that I was making it safe for her and the baby.
I never dreamed the stress could make her go into labor. The doctor said it could have been a number of things, but stress puts her at high risk. This is on me. Did choosing my club cost me my woman and my child? These thoughts keep going over and over in my head while I sit in this damned waiting room. They took Nicole back a few minutes ago. She didn’t even talk to me. I look over at Bull. She held his fucking hand the entire time. Who the fuck does he think he is.
“You shouldn’t be here.”
“Nicole wants me here.”
“She’s upset. She doesn’t know what she wants right now.”
“Who the fuck has her upset? The way I see it, of the two of us, you’re the one who should be gone.”
“Motherfucker, that’s my woman.”
“From where I’m sitting, a man protects his woman. He makes sure she always knows she’s his. He doesn’t put her through hell and expect her to be okay with it. That does not happen.”
I get up. He’s saying nothing I’ve not been thinking, but seeing it and hearing it come from his self-righteous ass is more than I can handle.
“Get up, motherfucker! You want to throw down with me, I’m ready for you. You need to step the fuck away from my woman and let us work this out.”
Bull gets up, and I get the satisfaction of knowing I’m going to beat his fucking face in. Nailer gets between us, and Hawk holds me back at the same time. Six makes sure he keeps Bull back.
“This ain’t the place boys. You’re going to get thrown out, and Nicole needs you here. Both of you,” Nikki says.
She’s sitting over with Freak, Dancer, Carrie, and several other men including Skull and Diesel. Why they are here, I have no idea. I know Nikki’s right, but I do not like it. I don’t like it at all. Still, I jerk loose from my brother’s hold and sit back down—still glaring at Bull.
“If you had done your job as club enforcer, I wouldn’t have had to take the steps I did.”
“What the fuck are you going on about now?”
“How did someone get to our vehicles to put bombs on them? Mind telling me that shit?”
Bull’s eyes narrow and he stands up and walks two feet in front of me before leaning down to speak. “You need to make up your fucking-bi-polar ass. You haven’t had me as club enforcer since my accident. I’ve been baby-sitting women or cleaning up after your ass. You put others in charge of security. Men who are trained in electronics and shit, but not hand to hand. So, don’t come after me with this shit-baggage now. Your club is a wreck? Look in the fucking mirror.”
He’s right. I know it—at least partially. Some of the anger leaves me. I bend down, raking my hand over my head and take a deep breath. When I look back up at Bull, maybe he can see the difference in me because his stance relaxes a little.
“Everybody but Bull get out in the hall.”
“Drag…”
“Now motherfuckers!”
When the room clears, and I get shot with a few more death glares, I look up at Bull.
“You’re the one who started staying away from the club. How the fuck can I depend on you if you’re not there?” I ask the question that’s been bothering me from day one.
“Newsflash, Dragon. I’m going through some shit. Doesn’t mean I won’t be here for the club, when shit goes down. You should know that man.”
My lips curl into a half smile. “Newsflash. You’re starting to sound like Nicole.”
“She’s a hell of a woman,” he says, sitting down beside me and slapping me on the back.
“She sure as hell is. I fucked up bad, man.”
“Yeah, you did.”
“Thanks for sugar-coating it.”
“She’ll come around brother, that woman loves you deep.”
“She kind of acts like she hates me right now.”
“She probably does,” Bull returns.
“Jesus, you’re just full of rainbows and shit, aren’t you?”
“That’s me.”
“I can’t lose them man,” I say, in an almost whisper, voicing the biggest fear I’ve ever had in my life. This is worse than when Nicole was shot… much worse. This time our son is with her. This time she hates me. I need to make things right. I need the chance to show her how much I love her and our child.
“I’m going to go get us some of that shit they call coffee around here. Do you want some?” Bull asks.
I look at him, our eyes locking and see the resentment is gone from Bull.
“Black.”
“You got it, Pres.”
He must have given the others all clear because they slowly begin to fall back in. I barely look up. How long has it been now? Surely, we should have heard something by now. Bull comes back in and hands me my coffee. I take a drink and have to fight to swallow it. It tastes like swamp piss. Another twenty or thirty minutes go by before the doctor finally shows up.
“Family of Nicole West?”
All of us stand up. It feels right. We are a family. It even feels good having Bull beside me. This is why I fight to keep the Savage MC together. This right here.
“Nicole and the baby came out of the surgery. The baby is in serious, but stable condition in the NICU. One of his lungs collapsed…”
“Fuck…,” I can’t stop the word that pops out.
“I’ll be honest, Mr. West, I thought we would lose him. Your son is strong however, and he is a fighter. He’s holding his own, and we have the lung re-inflated. He actually appears farther along than tests showed, which means there’s more bone and muscle mass to work with. We just have to take it day by day.”
“And Nicole?” I ask, my heart feeling as if it is trying to jump out of my chest.
“She’s doing well. She should be out of recovery soon and you can see her. If you follow me I can take you to see your child.”
I nod and follow him out. He leads me down the hall and another small corridor and then to the private unit. I put on gloves and a gown that the nurse hands me, and then I put a mask over my face. My son is in a square thick Plexiglas tank with circles on one side that are protected and covered by a black rubber-like material. He’s so small. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything so small, and he has so many wires and tubes running from him, it hurts to see. I can’t touch him. I can’t hold him. My hand would a
lmost swallow him. Still, I hear the beating of his heart on one of the monitors and it sounds strong.
My son is a fighter.
Just like his dad, he’s a fighter.
28
Nicole
I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. Everything in me is sore. Worse, I feel empty. After six months of having Little Dragon inside of me, not having him now…feels wrong. Shit, I’m so tired of that word—wrong. That’s Dragon’s fault.
All of this is Dragon’s fault. He keeps trying to come in and see me. I haven’t let him. I know he’ll get tired of that soon and just barge in, but for now, I’m thankful he’s restraining himself. I haven’t even gotten to see my baby, yet. I got to stay awake through the cesarean, so I had a quick glimpse of him—which was good and bad. I thought we had lost him right away, and the terror that struck in my heart still echoes.
I’m told they will take me down to him sometime this evening. I always pictured giving birth and having Little Dragon placed upon my chest; dreamed of being the first one to hold him. I wanted that. Dragon took that away from me, too.
I hold my hand up and look at it. I had to take all my jewelry off for the surgery, and I haven’t put my engagement ring back on. I can’t bring myself to and at the same time my hand feels barren. I miss the feel and weight of it on my finger.
“Where’s your ring at, Mama?”
I close my eyes and sigh. I knew this was coming.
“Have you seen the baby?” How bad is it that I can’t even bring myself to call him our child? It doesn’t feel like I ever had Dragon as a partner. That sounds stupid, but it’s exactly what I am feeling.
“I just came from there. He’s still holding his own. The doctor said they were bringing you to him in a little while,” Dragon answers.
“Yeah, I only got to see him for a minute because of his lung,” I reply, staring out the window opposite of Dragon. I don’t want to see him right now. Seeing him hurts.
“Mama, we have to talk if we’re ever going to get past this.”
“Some things… you just can’t get past.”
“We can.”
“You let me think you were dead, Dragon. You let me grieve for you, hurt, and blame myself. You destroyed me, and now…you just expect me to forgive you, and be grateful you’re back.”
“I didn’t have a choice, Nicole. I did what I had to do for the club, to keep us all safe.”
“I’m starting to hate the club.”
“Nicole,” he sighs and starts again. “Mama…”
“Tell me, Dragon, if you could only save one of us? The club or me? Would I lose out to the club again?”
“Damn it, Nicole! That’s not fair. I did what I did to protect what was mine, and that includes you. A man ain’t a man, if he’s weak.”
I close my eyes. I’ve tried to hold it in, but he’s just not letting it go. So, I decide to just let him have the cold, hard truth. “You didn’t protect me, Dragon. Because of you, I nearly lost our child. I still might! Because of you? Our child is clinging to life, locked away from me, instead of in my arms; I can’t even feed him. A tube gets to feed him! You took so much from me, Dragon, I can’t even begin to count it all. So, forgive me if I don’t buy that you did it all for me.”
“What do you want from me, Nicole? People were dying. I had to put a stop to it. I was backed into a corner.”
“I don’t know, Dragon, maybe letting me in on what you had planned?”
“I had to move quickly, Kavanagh had too many eyes and he needed to believe that you were suffering. He needed to believe he had won. I didn’t have any other choice,” Dragon says.
That’s when I turn to look at him. Can he tell how cold I feel on the inside? I may never be warm again.
“There’s always a choice, Dragon. You just pick the one that means the most to you.”
“Damn it, Mama!”
“You need to leave.”
“Mama…”
“I’m tired, Dragon. Please, just go.”
“I’m not about to go until we fix this, Mama. You and I are forever.”
I ring the nurse, not bothering to respond. “Yes, ma’am.”
“Could you come here, please?”
“Are you hurting, Mama?” Dragon asks.
In more ways than I could ever tell you. I think it, but I don’t tell him. He wouldn’t get it.
“Mrs. West?”
“It’s actually, Miss Wentworth,” I correct her, because right now, that seems extremely important. “Could you escort Mr. West out? I’m just too tired for company, and I want to rest up before I go to see my son.”
The nurse looks between us confused, but nods.
“Certainly, if you’ll just follow me, Mr. West.”
“This is not over, Nicole.”
“This has been over since the moment you let me think you were gone, Dragon.”
“Bullshit,” he says and stomps out.
My head goes back against the pillow. I guess I won round one.
29
Dragon
Two weeks of bullshit. That’s what I’ve gotten from Nicole. Two complete weeks of bullshit. She won’t see me, she won’t talk to me, and except for when we get to visit our son together, I get zero emotion from her. How do I go about fixing things with her if she’s not even going to try? Did I kill her love? Why can’t she understand that what I did, I did for all of us?
Today, Nicole gets to come home from the hospital. She doesn’t really want to. She wants to stay at the hospital with our child, but they are making her. Carrie finally got her to agree to stay at the hospital until the last visitation with Chase, and then come home to rest before going back.
Of course, I didn’t get any of that from Nicole. I hear everything second-hand these days. She even named our child without telling me. Chasin Donovan West. Kid will hate it. Fuck, I hate it. It doesn’t matter, he’ll get a road name when he’s old enough. The fact that I walked into the room to find he had been named pisses me off more than anything else. I let it slide, figuring she was just getting her own back, but I’m getting pretty sick of being shut out. Tonight, I’ll finally bring her home, and we’ll start getting this lined out. It can’t happen soon enough for me.
I miss having her in my arms and talking to her. I miss just being able to see her every day. Having her away from me, leaves everything feeling… empty.
I walk into her hospital room holding her favorite flowers, Peruvian Lilies. She’s standing up, putting her stuff in her overnight bag, when I walk in. She freezes, looks at me and back to the flowers. She sighs, and gives me a look like I kicked her dog or something, and then goes back to packing.
“All packed up to come home, Mama?”
“All packed,” she whispers, not bothering to look up.
“Do you like your flowers?” I finally ask, because I feel stupid holding them.
“You shouldn’t have.”
I’m tired. It’s been too long since I’ve had her lips. Maybe I need to remind her what we have together? I place the flowers on the bed and pull her gently to me. She holds herself stiff, but she comes. I wrap one arm around her and use my other to pull her chin up, so she looks at me. There’s such sadness in her blue eyes. I want to take it away.
“Mama…” I whisper, staring into her shimmering eyes, getting lost in their depths.
“Dragon, we need to…”
I press my lips against hers, stopping the sentence before she can finish it. My tongue slides into her open mouth. I taste her and groan at the burst of flavor. It’s been too fucking long since I’ve had this. I forcefully explore the depths of her mouth, owning it. She holds stiff against me for the space of a minute, and then slowly melts in my arms. Her arms go around me to hold me close. God, I’ve missed that. Her nails dig into my back, and I groan at the pleasure. Six weeks until I can have her. Fuck, I’ll never survive.
“Mama, I have missed your taste,” I say, when we finally break apart. She keeps her hea
d down, resting her forehead on my chest. We stand like that for a minute, I’m hoping to hear something from her. One small sign of encouragement. I get nothing but silence. “Talk to me, Mama. Please, talk to me.”
“That shouldn’t have happened.”
“It definitely should have. It will happen—a fuck of a lot more.”
She looks up at me then, and I wish she hadn’t. The tears are there, hiding in the depths of those blue eyes.
“It can’t happen again.”
“Whose mark do you have on you, Nicole?”
“It doesn’t matter,” she whispers, and it pisses me off.
“Whose mark, Mama?”
“Yours.”
“Do you love me?”
“Dragon…”
“Do you love me, woman?”
“I always will.”
“Then this isn’t over,” I tell her, and she better fucking get that through her head. We will never be over.
“I can’t survive loving you again, Dragon.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“When I thought you died, my world went dark again. Only it was worse than it had ever been in my past, because now, I know what it’s like to have love, to feel a part of someone. When you left, you took it all away and left me alone. I can’t survive that again.”
“I’m right here, Mama. I’m not going anywhere.”
“But you did, Dragon. You tore up my world so easily, and you didn’t even stop to think what this plan you made would do. How it would affect me and our child. You made the decision, solo, and you left me alone.”
“Mama…”
“You want us to go back, to be what we were. We can’t do that, Dragon. I can’t be that person with you again.”
“Why the fuck not?”
“Because I don’t trust you!” she cries. “I don’t trust me with you. What if a year down the road something else happens, and you, once again, make a decision for the good of the club, to protect everyone, and it leaves me and our child hanging in the wind? How do I know you aren’t going to hurt me again? How do I know your decision won’t destroy me? Or worse, destroy our child.”
