by Jordan Marie
“Damn it, Nicole, you make it sound like I wasn’t even thinking of you. Part of the fucking reason I did all of this was to protect you and our child. Doing this allowed me to kill that son of a bitch.”
“Doing this caused our son to be in a neonatal unit fighting for his life. Did you take into consideration, Dragon, what kind of stress you were putting me under? How you were ripping apart our family, for the good of your club?”
“Damn it, Nicole, I told you the decisions I made were for you, our child and the club.”
“And I told you I don’t trust that.”
“So, where does that leave us?”
“Over,” she whispers, pulling away from me.
I grab her arm and pull her back to me.
“Don’t you say that Nicole, don’t you fucking dare say that to me.”
“Dragon…”
“You’re hurt. I get that, woman. I made the decision, and I should have thought it through more, but it’s done. I can’t go back. I did what I had to do so you and our son didn’t end up like Frog. I did what I had to do to protect what’s mine, and that means you and Chase.”
“His name is Chasin.”
“How the hell would I know? You named him without even talking to me, damn it!”
“Gee Dragon, you died without consulting me!”
“Then be a pissy-ass-bitch, but don’t cut me out of your lives! Don’t pull us apart, when we don’t have to be. You thought you lost me and I was there! I know it sucked. God Mama, don’t you think it was as bad for me, not being able to be with you?”
“That right there! You see!”
“What the hell are you talking about now?”
“It wasn’t as bad for you, Dragon! It was nowhere near as bad! Do you know why? Because your dumb ass knew I was alive. You knew you would see me again! You knew where I was! You have no idea the hell I went through. You never once put yourself in my shoes.”
I pull away and rake my hand over my head.
Fuck this.
“So, you’d rather tear us apart than to even try? What kind of weak-ass shit is that, Nicole? That’s not the woman I fell in love with.”
She just stands there looking at me. She says nothing. Nothing.
I sigh. I’m so tired. I’m tired as hell. I grab the flowers and throw them in the garbage, because apparently, that’s what I am to her at this point.
“Let’s go see our son and get you back to the club.”
“I…I’m not going to the club, I…”
“You’re fucking what, Nicole?” I ask, my voice sounds as resigned and tired as I feel.
“I’m staying with Carrie and Dancer.”
I stare at her. I just stare. Yet another fucking decision made without me. Yet another motherfucking moment in which Nicole shows me I don’t factor into her world. Why do I keep fighting it?
“Fine. We’ll go see our son and then I’ll take you to Dance’s.”
“Carrie’s picking me up…”
“Of course she is. Tell me, is it fun, Mama?”
“What… what are you talking about?”
“Is it fun where you’re at? Cutting me up into little pieces and throwing me out with the garbage?”
Her face goes white, but I don’t ease up.
“Are you getting some of your own back? Is that what you’re doing? Cause, whatever this is, I hope you’re getting what you need from it. I get it. I hurt you. I wronged you, so you feel it gives you the right to get back at me. You want me out of your life, Nicole? Fine. You want to do this to us. What-the-fuck-ever. You can have it. I am fucking done. I’m going to see my son. I’m going to go have a fucking drink—maybe the fucking bottle—and I’ll leave you the fuck alone, like you seem to be wanting. So, have fun on your fucking high horse.”
I slam the door as I leave. I spend a few moments with Chase. When Nicole walks in, I don’t even look at her.
“I’ll be back tomorrow, C. Keep fighting,” I tell my son, and then I leave. I don’t look back. Apparently, there’s nothing there for me anyway.
30
Nicole
Do you ever wish you could have that one moment back? That one moment when, even if you were in the right, you have the feeling that your decision, your actions or inactions changed the course of your life and fear what might happen?
As Dragon walks out of the room, that feeling swamps me, and robs me of air. I lied. I don’t want it to be over. I don’t want to live without Dragon. I love him. He loves me. The trouble is, I don’t think we love in the same way. He didn’t say he was sorry. He put me through hell, and I’m convinced that’s a major reason I went into labor. Then he accuses me of doing something wrong with Skull, on the day of his funeral! In the back of the limo, on the way to the cemetery with gunfire everywhere! I’m owed a freaking apology somewhere in that. He should be down on his knees begging for forgiveness and kissing my feet. Not making me feel like total shit (which he did) and walking out on me.
Instead of following my first instinct and running after him, I watch him leave. If he doesn’t try to make things truly right, there’s nothing I can do. The acknowledgment of that sours in my stomach. I can’t help it. I have more than just me to think about now; I have Dominic.
I didn’t name our baby Chasin Donovan like he thought. I named our child Dominic West. No middle name; it wasn’t needed. I want him to have the same exact initials as Dragon, and I wanted a strong name, that’s true. Still, Dominic was Frog’s real name, and I thought Dragon would like to remember the name of a brother who gave everything for the club. It seemed fitting. Dragon despised the name Chasin when we were going through the book, so, I had the hospital put that name on the card in his room. It was stupid, childish, and immature, and I feel like a bitch now, but when the hospital said they needed to send papers off to name our child, I was stuck. If Dragon knew I named his son after someone in the club he would view it as me giving in, and I couldn’t let that happen. I’m weak. It’s taking all I have to hold Dragon off. If he really comes at me, I’m not sure I can resist. Still, I need to fix it.
“Your mommy is a silly, silly woman sometimes, Dom. I promise to try and do better. You’ll love your daddy. He’s a good man, and he’ll always take care of you.”
I lay my head on the glass of my son’s incubator. I hate that word. My son is a human not an animal a farmer is trying to produce. I swallow as I see how small he is next to my hand. It doesn’t even seem like he could breathe being so small. You can still see small red lines on his body where his skin is so frail. His head has this dark black hair though. I am not sure what I expected, but that wasn’t it. His little features are so wrinkled and small, they’re hard to make out, because of the wires he must have to monitor him. There’s also a tube coming from his mouth. The nurse explained each one and its purpose, but honestly, it goes over my head at this point.
“It’d be nice if you would let Dragon hear you say that,” Bull says from the door. His large figure is draped in the yellow hospital gown and the gloves look too tight for his hands, and I can tell he’s upset with me.
“I know.”
“If you know, why did he look like he’d lost every hope he had in the world when I saw him leaving?”
“Because I told him it was over.”
Bull makes that sound he has. It’s between a growl and a groan of disapproval. It sounds like the noise a bear makes when he’s annoyed he has to run after his food. (Okay, so I watch a lot of Discovery Channel.)
“I don’t suppose you bothered to tell him Dom’s real name either, did you, Nic?”
Now, I know he’s pissed, because recently he has taken to calling me Little Mama and odd as it is, I miss it.
“Not yet…”
He fingers the place card on the end of the incubator.
He looks straight at me and his dark eyes pin me. I can feel his disappointment, and I don’t like it.
“You know I got nothing in the world but love for you, Little Mama
, but you’re going to have to let go of some of this anger. If not for you, then for Dom. He’s what is important.”
I break away from his eyes and watch my son, and whisper the one thing that hurts me more than anything else.
“He let me think he was dead, Bull. He destroyed me. My son is here fighting for his life, and I can’t help but feel that it’s Dragon’s fault.”
“Nic, I love you, but that’s bullshit.”
“It’s not. Stress…”
“Stress can do a lot—I’m not saying you’re wrong. What I am telling you is that things happen the way they are meant to happen. You can’t pinpoint one thing that started this. If you want to blame anyone, blame Kavanagh—may his soul rot in hell.”
I swallow, because he’s right. Still, I resent the way he’s laying this at my feet.
“He shouldn’t have locked me out, Bull. He shouldn’t have done that to me. He let me think he was dead!”
“I’m not saying he was completely right either, Nicole. I’m saying what you’re doing isn’t making it any better.”
“He didn’t even apologize!”
“Nicole, how many women do you think Dragon let in as far as you’ve gotten? Hell, even a fourth of the way?”
“I don’t want to think of Dragon with another woman.”
“None.”
“Bullshit.”
“I’m not talking fucked, Nicole.”
I look around the room, luckily the nurse that stays with Dom has left while I’m here, but still…
“Don’t use that word around Dom.”
Bull looks up at the sky like he’s praying for divine intervention and shakes his head. “That boy will know what fuck means before his tenth birthday. Probably much sooner. Accept it now, woman.”
“Doesn’t mean I can’t fight it, Bull.”
“Lord have mercy.”
“For someone that doesn’t talk a lot, you sure are getting chatty.”
“I like you.”
I smile.
“He hurt me bad, Bull. He even accused me and Skull of getting it on in the limo at his damned funeral! Which was fake, anyway!”
“Nic…” he starts, and his voice cracks and he starts again. “Nicole, Dragon has never let another person in, except you. He even keeps his brothers at a distance. He’s going to fuck up. You want something from him, you’re going to have to show him. He ain’t going to know on his own, besides, you women can be crazy.”
“He was wrong.”
“Are you willing to throw away what you two have? Your son’s family—for the sake of being right?”
“I’m not giving in on this and letting Dragon off the hook, Bull. I can’t spend my life letting him have his way in everything. He has to know what he did was wrong, on so many levels.”
“So, don’t give in completely, but being childish isn’t helping.”
“I’ll change the damn name!” I yell ripping the card up. “I planned on doing it before you got here anyway,” I say grumbling.
Bull halfway smiles.
I go over to where I watched the nurse hand me a card last time. She refused to write Dom’s fake name for me. I had to do it. (I might have mumbled she was a self-righteous bitch, under my breath.) I write Dominic West on the paper and put it in the place card holder on the incubator. (Again, I hate that word.)
Bull stays a little longer. I’m grateful for the company. He finally gets up to leave; as he walks to the door he stops and turns back around to look at me. “Nicole? Does anyone win if you don’t give in a little?”
“I…”
“Just think about it. I’ll check on you soon.”
He leaves. I’m left wondering how to get over the anger and resentment I have inside of me. I don’t really have an answer.
31
Dragon
“Dragon man, the men are starting to ask questions,” Dance says, coming into the main room of the club.
I’m sitting at the bar, doing what I’ve done almost every day for the last week; ever since my run-in with Nicole. Life doesn’t suck as bad if you’re drunk off your ass through most of it. Dance sits beside me, and I wish he’d fuck off.
“About what?” I say, downing another shot.
“Shit, man, everything. You’ve not even had the vote about Crusher. The whole fucking place is in limbo.”
“Fuck the club. It’s already cost me too much. You can have it. There, problem fucking solved.”
“It hasn’t cost you shit. You haven’t even got off your drunk ass to go see your son in over a week. You haven’t been by to check on your woman. Not once man, that shit is wrong.”
“I check on my son,” I argue, because that shit needs to be shut down. The rest of it can go to hell.
“You call, you’ve not seen him one time, Drag. You and me? We know more than most how cold that shit is. Your boy needs you.”
“Nicole is there.”
“So? What the hell man? Did you lose your fucking balls in that explosion?”
I don’t answer him. Instead, I stare at my glass, contemplating another shot. What I don’t tell him, what I can’t tell him? Is simple. I can’t see Nicole and not touch her. I can’t handle the hate in her eyes, her coldness towards me. It’s just something I am not strong enough to survive again. If that makes me weak, whatever. It’s just another reason the club is in better hands with Dancer.
“Fuck it. You want to drink yourself into a bottle, do it, but don’t blame me if you lose any chance with your woman.”
Dancer walks off. I should celebrate. So, I down another shot. How many does that make? It’s a little fuzzy.
“He’s right, you know.”
I turn at the quiet voice from the hall. Dani looks around the room carefully, and then slowly makes her way to the bar when she sees everyone has left. I’ve seen very little of her since things have gone down. The Dani of today is not the same bitter bitch; she’s afraid of her damn shadow. She wears clothes so baggie that you could fit three of her in them. Her hair is down and around her face, and the long sleeves hide her hands, completely. If I could bring Kavanagh back and kill the mother fucker again, I would. Only this time I’d shoot his dick off first, because I don’t know what went down while he had Dani, but this woman screams of being raped.
“Right about what?” I ask, not looking at her, because even drunk, I know she hates it when people look at her now.
“You need to wake Nicole up—prove to her you want her.”
“I’ve tried, she’s the one that sent me packing, D, not the other way around.”
“She’s hurt. All her life people have overlooked her, forgotten her, or just decided shit for her. You had to know what you did would hurt her.”
“What do you suggest?” I can’t believe I’m asking her for advice, but I figure she knows Nicole better than anyone, apparently even me.
“It’s time to grovel, big boy,” she says, and I can almost see a flash of the old Dani, and shit, who knew that I would actually…miss her.
“Grovel?” I ask, putting my shot glass down.
“Beg, crawl, plead…surely those aren’t totally foreign words to you, Dragon.”
“Pretty damn close,” I admit, honestly.
“Start with sending her flowers and a note saying you’re sorry you’re an idiot.”
“An idiot?” I ask.
“What else do you call letting your pregnant wife think you were dead, and then accusing her of having sex in a limo with another man?”
“I didn’t accuse her of that shit,” I argue holding my head down, because I know I’m wrong. I hadn’t even thought about it really, but in a way, I guess I did. I didn’t mean it, it was just the shock of opening the door and seeing that shit, and on top of all the other crap that had just gone down…Fuck.
“Get to work, Dragon. Don’t let me down, I need to believe there’s at least one good man left in this world,” she says, getting up and walking carefully back towards the hall. She’s still n
ot walking great, she has so many scars on her; it’s not funny, but I think the biggest ones are where people can’t see them. “You might think about cutting Zander some slack too, Dragon.”
“I don’t think so.” Yeah, that’s not going to happen.
“Everyone messes up, Dragon, apparently, even you,” she says and then leaves.
It appears I need to grovel. I think I’ll start with a damn shower.
A couple hours later, I’m sober as hell. I can tell by the way my head is pounding. Still, I make it to the hospital in time for the last visitation time with my son. I thought Nicole would be there, but she’s not.
“Where’s my…where’s Nicole?” I ask the nurse on duty.
“She called in, apparently, she has a fever. She’s not allowed to visit with Dom like that. His immune system is too weak.”
I nod, absently thinking of Nicole sick. Then I hear what she called baby C. She must have him confused with another kid. I guess it happens, but I don’t especially like it. I walk over to sit down by him. There’s a lot of changes just in a week. He’s still so tiny, but even I can tell his color and other things are better. I wish like hell we could take those damn wires and tubes out. I reach my hand in to place my finger against his tiny palm. He tries to wrap his around it, he can’t, but the slight movement makes me smile. I look down at the note card in front of his case-like thing. They call it an incubator, but I don’t really care for that term.
Dominic West.
My heart stutters. She named our baby after one of my men. It’s a good name, a really fucking good name. It’s one I would have picked. Nicole had to know I would. Why did she change it? I want to ask, but right now just knowing she did is enough. I sit and talk with my son the rest of the time, apologizing for being an asshole and promising to do my best to get his family back together. I missed the little guy. How does someone so small own all of you even before he takes a breath?
I’m too wound up when I leave the hospital. I need to check on Nicole. I know she might not want to see me, but I know Dance and Carrie are spending the weekend at Dance’s mom’s house. I don’t want her to be alone and sick. I run by the store and pick up some Sprite and canned soup, store it in my bags and head out.
