by Jordan Marie
“Mr. Dawson?” A nurse asks, coming out of the surgical room door.
“Yes, Ma’am?”
“Ms. Smith did fine with everything…but…”
“But?” I question, trying to ignore the way my heart kicks against my chest.
“I’m afraid she’s disoriented. She had a panic attack, and the doctor ordered a sedative, but first we were hoping if she saw you, it might help. We hate to give her more medicine so soon after coming out of the recovery ward. However, we can’t allow her to hurt herself.”
“Take me to her.”
I follow the nurse down the hall, more anxious than I can ever remember.
“Ms. Smith? Look we told you it would be okay. See who I’ve got with me? It’s your step-brother.”
I had to tell the staff that I was Dani’s step-brother before they would give me information on her, or let me near her in general. I was afraid she would ruin the set up by denying our involvement. She doesn’t, and I’m glad, but I think it has more to do with the fact that the girl is in the middle of a full blown hissy-fit.
She is holding one of those big huge thermal cups and aiming it at an orderly. I take in the mess on the floor, a couple boxes of Kleenex, a plastic pan like they give you to wash in, toothpaste, generic deodorant, a phone… Hell, she must have thrown everything at them she could get her hands on. Just as I’m about to speak to her, the cup she was holding comes sailing at my head. I duck, but it hits me in the chest and ice scatters over me, the nurse, and the floor.
“I told you I don’t want to talk to anyone but Nicole! Take me to Nicole!”
She looks brave, lying in the bed in a faded blue hospital gown and her hair a tangled mess around her head. She’s pale though, too pale. Her lips which are normally adorned in bright red lipstick are a pale pink and dry. The black circles under her eyes are so dark, it gives her a haunted look. I can also see the shaking in her hands. She may be fighting like an alley-cat, but she’s scared shitless.
“Nicole is in surgery, Hellcat, and you’re in no shape to go see her. I can take you down there when she comes through.” I don’t add that she might not, it’s not something that Dani needs to hear right now. It’d take a fool not to tell that she’s close to a nervous breakdown.
She looks at me like she just now realizes it’s me.
“Crusher…it’s me…I mean, my fault….”
“Leave the room!” I growl. The nurses and doctors stare at me like I’m insane. I cross my hands over my chest and wait. They look back at Dani and then to me, before finally leaving.
“Don’t talk about this shit in public, Hellcat,” I caution her.
She looks down at the covers she’s holding in her lap. She’s gripped the edges so tight that her fingers are white from her hold. Before I can stop myself, I walk over to her bedside and sit down putting my hand over hers.
“I thought I was saving her… I was scared…there were pictures. Dragon was…he was torturing…”
“Ours is a world of its own, Hellcat. We play by a different set of rules. What Twist and Irish did…that can’t go unpunished.”
“When a man is that dark it spills over, Crusher.”
“My name is Alexander,” I say before I can stop myself. I want her to use my name. I want her to say it often.
She doesn’t give me what I want. She continues just looking at me, I finally give in and answer her as honestly as I can.
“Doesn’t matter how dark the man or the world, a real man doesn’t hurt a woman, Hellcat.”
“And Dragon?”
“He’d die for your girl. I have no doubt about that, and I know for a fact he’d never hurt her. Hell, if my guess is right, he’ll spend his life making sure she has everything she could ever want.”
Dani’s dark eyes are open wide and she looks at me with so much concentration, it unnerves me. It’s almost like she’s trying to see straight through me. I stare back at her calmly. I have nothing to hide and everything to gain if Dani can trust me, even a little bit.
“If you’re lying to me Zander, I’ll hunt you down and cut off your balls with a dull potato peeler.”
I laugh. Just when I start thinking she looks helpless there in that bed, with that gown swallowing her small, frail body she shocks the hell out of me. What is it about this woman that keeps my head spinning? I wish I knew.
“Point taken, Hellcat, and since I’m partial to my balls, I’ll make sure not to lie to you.”
“You will. Men always lie. It’s what they do,” she says looking out the window this time instead of at me. I find I don’t like that. I want her attention on me.
I put my index finger under her chin and pull her face back around to me. “I will never lie to you, Dani. You may not always like what I tell you, but I will make a vow to you right now, to never lie.”
“Will Nicole be okay?” she asks quickly, and damn I should have seen that one coming.
I take a breath and look down at the floor.
“That’s what I thought,” she whispers brokenly.
“Hey Hellcat, I didn’t say she wouldn’t. She’s in surgery. That’s about all I know right now.”
“I need to go be with her,” she says and there are tears in her eyes, but somehow, she manages to keep them from falling. I don’t know why, because I don’t like women crying, but the fact that she is trying to hide her tears, hurts me.
“Dani, I’m not sure of everything that’s going on, but I’ve heard things…”
“But…”
“Sweetheart, I don’t think Dragon would want you there right now,” I tell her honestly.
Her face has been pale as a ghost and it still is, but I can see the hint of color that enters her cheeks at my words. I hate it, this can’t be a shock to her. Right?
“I thought…I was…it doesn’t matter.”
We sit there in silence for a little while longer. It’s not awkward, but it is strained. I feel like I should be finding words to make her feel better. Hell, other than sticking my dick in a woman, I’ve not had many dealings with them. Unless you count Melly, but then again, Melly was special.
“Zander, will you go sit with them…and find out about Nicole for me? Please?”
“Everyone calls me Crusher or Alex,” I respond, watching those big dark eyes of hers.
“I’m not them. I like Zander, it suits you.”
“What’s a Zander look like?”
“Like someone who does what a friend asks him to, when she can’t do it on her own.”
The girl is determined; you have to give her that. I stare at her for a few more minutes. She doesn’t dodge my eyes, but I notice the longer I stare at her, the tighter she grips the bedsheet. It wouldn’t surprise me if it rips at any moment.
“She has plenty of company, Hellcat,” I answer, thinking she was the one who was all alone here.
“Nic is all I have in the world besides Ray. I want…I need to know she’s okay.”
“Are we friends, Hellcat?” I ask. I get up to head to the surgery waiting room.
“Time will tell I guess. I’m not exactly bosom buddy material these days,” she answers holding her head down. She looks kind of defeated, and I hate it.
“I don’t know Hellcat, I kind of like your bosom.” I smirk.
She doesn’t laugh, which is what I wanted, but she kind of half smiles before lying back against her pillow. She’s worn out. I leave without any further words, closing the door quietly behind me.
7
Dani
The Black Plague.
Did you know another name for the Black Plague is death? I feel about as welcomed as that, so it fits. I understand it—I do. I don’t really like myself right now. I add it up as just another mistake in a long line of them. Everyone has given me the cold shoulder, and if looks could kill, then Dragon and Bull’s death glare would’ve done me in.
I’ve went and seen Nicole, but she hasn’t regained consciousness. She developed an infection. When I first ca
me through and the nurse told me Nic was shot too…it felt as if my world was ending. All I ever wanted was to protect Nicole, and I’m the reason she’s clinging to life.
I’m supposed to be getting out of the hospital today. Crusher says I need to come home to the club. The club isn’t home—especially with everyone hating me. I don’t want to leave Nicole either; I’d rather stay at the hospital, until I know she’s going to be okay. I’ve said some prayers for her but it’s been well established that God doesn’t answer my prayers.
I’m sitting on my hospital bed, wearing the bloody jeans and a hospital scrub shirt the nurse gave me. The jeans have been cut up on one side, but they’re all I have. One of the nurses offered pants too, but I declined. I’m just thankful they didn’t cut the pants off me for some reason. I don’t want charity if I can get away from it. I’m used to having no one looking out for me. It’s less risky, and it’s better not to depend on people.
Still today, I’m feeling…lonely. I’m feeling…isolated. Part of it is the way the club is treating me, part of it is fear over Nic and still, some is…being tired. Deep inside, I’m disappointed I didn’t die. It would have been easier and better for everyone if it were me fighting for my life instead of Nicole. She has everything to live for. Me? Hell, I wouldn’t fight for life…not even a little bit.
“Those look like deep thoughts, hummingbird.”
My body jerks as I look up to see Beast standing here, and I instantly want to scream for help. I don’t trust him, he sent Tiny to me… he…
“Stop the looks, I had nothing to do with Tiny. When I woke up, you were sleeping. I went to find us breakfast, and when I came back, you were gone. I’d hoped that meant you felt like you could tackle things now. I sure as hell didn’t expect you to go off with Tiny—never did like that asshole.”
I’m not sure I believe him, but his words do have a ring of truth in them. Then again, what have I ever known about a man being truthful? There’s also the fact he’s holding a vase full of yellow daises. The flowers are big, but in his large hands they look small and awkward.
I clear my throat, trying to tread slowly here.
“He said you sent him. He mentioned things we talked about while I was there.”
“Little weasel probably listened through the door. I’m sorry,” he says taking another step in.
I keep my body from retreating further. I’ve been in the hospital for four days now, and that’s four days without pills. I wanted to tell the doctor that I needed some sort of anxiety medicine, but it felt like a weakness. What if Crusher or one of the club members found out? Would they label me as Nicole’s unstable friend who is completely crazy that got her…almost got her killed?
“Pretty flowers,” I say trying to sound tough, but I have a feeling it’s going to take a bit to find that voice again. It’ll at least be after I get out of here. Being in a hospital brings back memories. Memories I shouldn’t have. Memories that are slowly cutting holes inside of me, and that’s bad because I already have craters the size of football fields.
“You look like a daisy kind of girl instead of roses,” Beast says, as he puts the vase down beside my bed.
I touch the petals slowly. They are beautiful. Bright, soft petals the color of sunshine with warm dark brown centers.
“Why do I look like a daisy girl?” I ask before I can stop myself.
“Daises are strong. They can grow in the middle of a desert with little water. They bend and flow with the wind and still remain standing. Their stems are strong.”
My finger moves over the stem thinking on his words.
“The stem looks like a weed to me.” It’s probably not the nicest thing to say. They’re pretty, I don’t mean that. It’s just once…couldn’t I be like something beautiful…instead of something less…
“Looks can be deceiving,” he says bringing his hand under my chin and pulling my eyes from the flower to his face. “You have your own beauty, hummingbird.”
“What the fuck is going on here?” Crusher asks from the door, and I can feel the anger vibrating from him. He’s staring Beast down, and I bite my lip. You can feel the testosterone fill the room.
Beast turns around to face Crusher. I get there is probably hostility between the clubs, because of what happened and with Nicole right now, but I can’t handle any more fighting…not now. I’m on a razor’s edge as it is.
“How’s Nicole?” I ask Crusher, trying to redirect the conversation.
I stand up and wince as a flash of pain enters my bad leg, Beast places his large hand on mine and offers me his support. I push down using his arm almost like a cane. Once I get my balance and shift my weight to my good leg, I look up at Crusher, waiting for his answer. His dark eyes are glowing…some anger yes, but something else I can’t really decipher.
“She’s showing signs of coming out of it. They’re monitoring her closely. You can go see her before I take you home if you want,” Crusher says.
I swallow and think about what he says, before I answer. “I don’t think it would be good for me to go to the club…”
“Why the fuck not?” Crusher growls, and Beast blocks me from his path. It’s sweet, but even without my pills I don’t really fear Crusher…I don’t know why.
“I’m not exactly the most loved person around the Savage Brother’s MC right now. I just think it would be better for everyone if I stay at the house that Nicole and I rent.”
“No. You’re coming to the club, where I can take care of you.”
“It doesn’t appear you’re taking care of her now,” Beast says, folding his huge arms at his chest and making his biceps pop so much, I think they might need their own zip code.
“What would you know about it?”
“I have eyes.” Beast shrugs “You’re more than welcome to come back to the club with me hummingbird, my club will take care of you.”
“You’re the fuck-ups that got her in this mess to begin with.”
“Funny, I’d say that’d be your president pissing off the wrong people,” Beast responds to Crusher.
Four…three…two…one…please let me hold on to my sanity long enough to get out of here, get to the house, swallow some pills, and regroup.
“I can take care of myself. Can you two stop your pissing match over your clubs until I get out of here, please?”
I feel them looking at me, but avoid them. Instead, I choose to busy myself with packing up the hospital toiletries given to me in a plastic bag the nurse gave me.
“I have your discharge papers, Miss Smith.” The hospital nurse comes in with her clipboard and papers, oblivious to the tension in the room. Me? I breathe a little easier having her in here with me until she looks at me, and I see the disdain there.
“Thank you,” I answer trying to ignore the dull ache of pain that is slowly increasing the longer I remain standing.
As she goes over the care of the bandages and things, I feel Crusher standing close to my back. I look over my shoulder to see he’s standing right behind me, so close I can feel his breath against my skin. Beast is standing by the door watching us.
“Do you mind?” I ask Crusher, annoyed.
“I need to know how to take care of you, Hellcat.”
“I told you I will take care of myself, been doing it for a while now.”
“You need someone to help you until you’re better, and that’s me,” he answers.
“Doesn’t look like you’re doing such a great job right now,” Beast speaks up from across the room.
“Did someone ask what you thought?” Crusher asks.
“No, but she’s standing there in pain, and instead of helping her, you’re yelling at me.”
Crusher’s body goes rigid at the rebuke, I know, because suddenly, he pulls me back against him and takes my weight. His warm body slowly heats my back, and I find myself relaxing against my will.
“Why don’t you fuck off? No one wants you here,” Crusher responds to Beast, and the nurse looks up at m
e and shakes her head. She’s judging me, but I shake it off. Everyone does. I learned a long time ago that people will think what they want. The key is to pretend you either don’t give a fuck, or pretend you earned their dislike and enjoy it—for that reason alone I give her my fuck off smile.
“You’re treating her like your woman,” Beast starts again. This time my heart kicks in with fear, and I pull away from Crusher…no.
“Not my woman, but definitely property of the Savage MC, fucker.”
I ignore the way the distinction makes my heart feel as if it’s being squeezed in a fist. I don’t want to be any man’s property. I don’t even know why his reply should hurt, but it does.
“Will you two…,” I begin only to have Beast interrupt me.
“Why doesn’t she have clean clothes then? Are the Savage pussies too busy to make sure their property doesn’t have to go home in clothes they’ve been shot in? Where’s her flowers or balloons, something to show she’s at least a good piece of club pussy?” Beast asks, and I flinch.
The nurse shakes her head and gives me that look. The look I’ve gotten my whole life. The look that broadcasts one word. Whore. I got it when I married Michael with the whispered word gold-digger thrown around. I got it in the emergency rooms the few times Michael allowed me there for treatment. He took great pleasure in telling the doctors how I had a drug problem, and he would find me on the streets having been beat up by some john. He loved weaving lies that put him in the best light. I got that look every time I climbed up on the stage to dance and take my clothes off. None of those times hurt as much though as the nurse’s.
“Do you want to start something with me, motherfucker?” Crusher asks, but really, I’ve kind of had it by now. I grab my papers the nurse thrust at me, I take the small bag of items I saved from the hospital supplies, and put my papers down in it. I hold the bag in one hand and the flowers in the other, and then I hobble out. A wheel chair would have been nice, but Nurse Ratchet hasn’t mentioned one yet, and I’m tired of waiting.
