by Mj Fields
“You are not…”
“I was. I was very much so Tara, that’s the truth. If I allow myself to believe otherwise, I ruin people. Self-realization at its finest.”
I didn’t know what to say to him, he was wrong, so fucking wrong.
“Any questions?”
I couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t cause a fight, “What do the pieces represent?”
“The peoples’ lives I fucked up that I can never give back what I have taken from them. Momma, Jase, Zandor, Xavier, Bella, and Julie.”
“Five of those people love you so much Cyrus. And the other one is a piece of shit who if I ever run into I’m gonna kick her…”
“Birdie, I’ve taken responsibility. I know what I’m capable of.”
“She did this to you, she’s still doing it to you!”
He started to sit up and I pounced on him, I didn’t want him to leave, not mad, not now, not ever, “This one, what is this one?”
He let out a deep breath and laid back, “Family, the whole sleeve. Each of them is represented, and hidden in the flames.”
“Protecting them, loving them Cyrus.”
“Always.”
I could tell he was ready to bolt as soon as he could so I kissed him and put his hand on my hips, “I want you again.”
“Birdie I don’t…”
“Same ride tiger-- your rules not mine,” I felt him smile against my mouth.
“Tiger huh?”
I leaned back and wiggled against his hardening cock, “Oh my bad, more like a horse.”
“Well then Birdie why don’t you saddle up.”
We both laughed and I reached between us again and slowly sank down onto him, “Giddy up, Cowboy.”
We finished in the bathroom again, “We are going to be the two cleanest people in the world by the time this night ends.”
He laughed as he dried off my back, “You got plans for me do you?”
“Yes as a matter a fact, but first I want to sleep. I’ll wake you when I want more.”
“What the hell has gotten into you Birdie, damn,” his mouth was on my neck.
“I can’t believe you have to ask what has gotten into me.”
He smiled, “No? Why’s that?”
“It’s midnight, not my birthday anymore.”
“Good damn thing cause you’re gonna swallow next time.”
He flopped on the bed and I sat next to him, he pulled me down against him.
“Hey Cyrus. I am having a great time tonight with you and I don’t know if when I wake up you’ll be here…”
“Flight in the morning, no plans to leave without saying Goodbye, that’s your MO not mine.”
I sat up and turned around and looked at him, “I still want the chance to say some things okay? Without you being mad?”
He didn’t answer he just looked at me.
“I don’t not like swallowing when I’m with you. I kind of like it actually,” that made him smile, good. “When it was with Tony, he made me be a whore…”
“You’re not a whore, Birdie.”
“I know that now, you helped me realize that I am whoever I want to be Cyrus. Bad things happen to good people. Julie still has you convinced…” he started to move and I slapped my hand on that fucking mirror tattoo, “She has you convinced you’re a bad man and you’re not bad. You’re actually the most amazing, beautiful man I’ve ever met in my life.”
“Tara, this shit was not supposed to end with either of us pissed off.”
“I’m not pissed…”
He sat up and tried to move me off and I held tighter, “As your friend I should point out when you’re wrong. Your family knows it, but they’re too afraid that you’ll be angry to say it.”
“Let go, Tara.”
“As you’re friend Cyrus I am telling you you’re the strongest, smartest most caring man I have ever met. As the girl who loves you,” he froze, “As the girl who loves you: I need to make you see you’re worth it.”
“Enough!” He stood and I continued to hold on.
“No damn it! Cyrus, I trust in everything about you. I love you. You have finally made it okay for me, no you forced me to realize it’s okay to dream with my eyes open. I want to do the same for you. I want to be yours Cyrus, not just now but…”
“I fucking told you who I am! I also told you no one could ever own you…”
“Then you be mine Cyrus, let me take care of you, let me love you and listen to you and show you what you taught me.”
“Down, now! God Damn it Tara!’
I stepped down on the bed, “I know you feel the same.”
“Fuck! No Tara, I don’t love you in that way…’
“You told me you were falling in love with me five days ago.”
He stopped and looked at me and shook his head no, “I am exactly who I told you I was, this just proves it even more. Thanks for helping me realize what I already knew.”
I blocked him from leaving, “You can’t leave me, I do need you.”
“No Tara you will be fine, you are fine. I should’ve stayed the fuck away. I’m sorry I did this to you.”
“Don’t leave, please, what if something happens and you leave mad and I never see you again and…please don’t leave I need you.”
“Tara you are a strong brave beautiful girl, you’re gonna be fine. And someday you’ll find someone who deserves that.”
He opened the door and I yelled behind him, “I ALREADY DID!”
Taking Flight
Before boarding the plane I sent two texts, one to Jase explaining the ticket he would be receiving in the mail and one to Carly telling her to check in on Tara.
I was hung over as fuck, Nickie D and I tied one on when I left the mind fuck that was supposed to be a night making it easier for her. The one that started with the hottest sex of my life and ended with leaving a crying girl behind. Yeah that’s me, and that’s Truth.
I slept the entire flight and then went to Zandor’s fuck pad and slept more. I needed to stop drinking.
When I woke I had a text from Tara
-One… safe flight. I hope you made it safely. Tara
The casino was absolutely amazing, most beautiful thing I had seen in my life. The craftsmanship of each piece of furniture was out of this world and so was the local scenery. I took so many photos, there was so much to shoot.
I sat in front of the computer downloading photos and I had another text
-Two… days since I have talked to you, I’m so sorry if I hurt you…Tara
I was pretty sure I could stop myself from responding.
The next day I spent in the hotels security room looking for any bugs in the computer system. I found a few, so this trip was gonna take a little more time.
I laid down to sleep and my screen lit up
-Three…things I want you to know. I will always care about you, I will always be grateful for you, and I will never forgive myself for hurting you. I really didn’t mean to.
Fuck that wore me out. I couldn’t respond, mission fucking come down, and I tell you what: I felt like a crack whore in need of a fix. This was the longest time I’d gone without seeing her, ever. And yes-- that’s wrong on many levels, I’d only known the girl for less than two weeks yesterday and the fact that I knew that was sick man!
The next night, another text
-Four – the number of people I see every day that stop me in my tracks forcing me to take a second look hoping it’s you. Tara
The next night I waited and nothing,
-Five-it’s been five days Tara and I’m just receiving your text took me awhile to figure out the wifi…C
I only sent it because I know how she feels about five, she fucking stumbles on it every time. Yeah I know, me trying to convince myself is pretty fucking lame.
-Six…for six full minutes I smiled because I think you’re okay. BTW my face hurts…Tara
The next night I try to concentrate but all I can think is that it’s been
one hell of a week. Things are going well, and then damn I realize I’m not even trying to get back on the proverbial horse and why the hell am I thinking that!
-Seven…been seven days since I was home-- if you see Bell let her know Italian Ice is the same as Italian Ice and that I was right…C
I had the day to take more photos and I was joined by a few colleagues and yes one tried to get me to go back to her room and I said no. Why? Because the last girl I fucked fell in love with me and the Truth is I ain’t doing that shit again for a while. I threw my camera to the side and grabbed my phone
-Eight…You know how in the rodeo they make a huge deal about riding something for eight seconds? Imagine how disappointing eight seconds would be. Thought sprung on by girl talk at work, which reminded me of you and how truly grateful I am that my ride lasted far more than eight seconds!...Tara
That was funny shit but I wouldn’t respond cause then I would have to talk her into face time sex. Fuck yeah I wanted that again, Giddy Up, Birdie!
I spanked it and you wanna know something sick? It only took my ass eight minutes to come. I needed to find something to play with or I was gonna be a rodeo clown next time my ass got in the saddle. Gotta push forward right? Fuck no, I was here to work, and get over the girl who still sent texts after I was a fuck to her because like always she saw right through my shit.
I was seriously tired now, all the bugs were out and now we were checking on cameras and I was pushing hard for metal detectors and heightened security. Everyone thought I was insane but this place would be a terrorists dream. US owned company for the rich on foreign soil. Yeah, I would push until I got what I wanted, in this case anyway.
I picked up my phone
-Nine…Nine days of stress, whose idea was this anyway? …C
I immediately got a reply
-you okay?
-yep, probably over thinking things go to sleep Birdie…C
Mother Fucker, she was Tara not Birdie, son of a bitch!
-When will you be home? Can we talk when you do come home?...Tara
-Not sure, lots that needs to be done here…C
- I see, sorry. Take care…Tara
Note to self no more texting when exhausted.
The next night she sent another.
-10…ten days and I understand what you need. Ten is my end number so don’t feel like you need to reply tomorrow. I’m good, fine, strong and so are you. I hope that someday you will see what I do and that no matter how much time passes you know I will always consider you a friend…Tara
Perfect, exactly what you asked for Cyrus.
Another week went by and I was getting what I asked for from everyone. I should have felt like the luckiest mother fucker on the planet. Security was heightened everywhere in the casino and the resort and Tara Gardner ended her texts. I was proud of her for being as strong as I knew she could be.
But was I the luckiest mother fucker on the planet—hell no! I was swamped, pulling eighteen hours and crashing hard every night and I missed the hell out of that little Birdie. I was gonna cave and call my sister in law to see what she was up to.
“Hello?”
“Hey Carly what’s up?”
“Cyrus? Is everything alright?”
“Sure is, everything’s great.”
“Do you know it’s two in the morning?”
“Oh shit sorry, you got a minute?”
“Um sure?”
“How’s Tara doing?”
“Well she found out Steel owns Fit and she was very unhappy when she brought me the cell you had given her. I tried to explain and she was polite, but short. She probably doesn’t trust me, so not good Cyrus, not good at all.”
“Okay so you can fix that, is she meeting other friends, is she smiling? Come on Carly give me more.”
“She and Christoff George are close. They do a lot together.”
“WHO!”
“A co-worker, he’s a real nice…”
“Isn’t there a no fraternization policy?”
“Yes, apparently a lot of policy’s changed the day she started. Cyrus you…”
“I what! She needed to be safe and…”
“You needed to control that. Which made her not trust you or me.”
“What else?”
“She’s selling her parents’ house, so that she can pay you back…”
“What’s her number?”
“I’m not telling you that, she doesn’t want you to have it. She told me she loved you Cyrus. That she tried to make you see, the truth about yourself and you wouldn’t have any…”
“What is her fucking number!”
I was getting real pissed and apparently so was Carly, “None of your mother fucking business!”
Holy shit Carly said a bad word, which made me laugh my ass off.
“Bro what the hell are you calling my wife …” I heard a door shut and Jase snickered, “Did you hear that shit come out of her mouth?”
“Yeah I did, she’s fucking pissed.”
I heard another door shut and he laughed out loud, “Listen you wanna talk sneaky shit you call me not my wife, she’s kind of pissed at you.”
“She sounded like the chick from the exorcist man,” Jase and I laughed, “Turn you on?”
“Fuck yeah, but her ass is hell bent on getting knocked up and I’m not ready for that shit,” Jase laughed, “So she’s holding out.”
“Jerk off in front of her, that’ll work.”
“Fuck no, she’ll start doing the same shit, remember that mouse Cyrus, well there was a fucking vibrator in that box too, and that shit pisses me off.”
“Toys piss you off?”
“Yep, it’s my dick or nothing.”
“You afraid she’s gonna die man? Cause if it’s that shit get over it. What happened to Charlee won’t happen to her.”
“Cyrus you wanna keep dishing out advice when you can’t take it yourself get a fucking talk show.”
“I miss you man.”
“The girl you’re not in love with is hanging out with a pretty good looking southern dude. He’s real nice to her, you gonna let that shit happen?”
“I gotta go, talk to you soon.”
Alright that’s what you want let it be, a guy who’s good to her. Yeah that’s exactly what you want but it fucking hurts still.
George hooked up a live feed at the gym to a secure account for me. Loved that he didn’t ask questions, hated that he didn’t tell you shit unless you asked. I wasn’t asking questions.
I watched for two weeks as she and Ken danced around and laughed in the employee lounge at work. I wish he would pull that shit on video in the gym itself, mother fucker! I hated the bastard and one fuck up and he’d lose his job. He’d fuck up, guys always did.
The next week Tara’s house sold and she deposited everything she could have possible owed me and then some. I had George return what she overpaid. I watched that go down too, set it up so I could. She shook his hand and smiled and as soon as he left she sat down and cupped her face and shook. I couldn’t handle much more and then I saw that fuck scoop her up and sit on the couch holding her as she cried.
Four days later shit really hit the fan. Jase called me and told me she was moving in with Ken and I was done for. I wasn’t letting that happen, no fucking way was I letting that happen. Not without a fight. She was fucking this up! She needed to be strong on her own not behind some fuck who wore spandex to work!
I busted ass and got it all finished up nice and tight. No sleep either and I didn’t care I was gonna make sure the girl I…I was gonna make sure Tara weighed her damn options. It was a week before November first, and I was gonna stop this shit.
Moving On
Something happened to me weeks ago that changed me, I’ve been trying to make it go away but I can’t. I was stuck in it. He consumed me and he wasn’t even here. He was across the ocean and I was still walking in circles as I tried to figure out how I could feel something that was not real.
> I had begun to trust my instincts when he brought me the albums from home. They weren’t dreams, they were memories. I now knew why it felt wrong with Tony, I knew before but at some points I felt like I was being a judgmental bitch, like I had no right to think I was above him or the people he brought into my life.
I’d tried to convince myself that it was because he had done so much for me that I felt obligated to love him but I knew that wasn’t true. I didn’t owe him anything anymore, well not when everything was out of the Townhouse, and let’s be honest, a lot of it was. I didn’t have much. What I did have was a decent car, my license, some plants, clothes, and my photos and memories. They all fit in my car and I liked it that way.
My car was a Toyota Highlander. Christoff George my new best friend helped me pick it out. It had four wheel drive and would be safe for travel, which he and I planned to do. He loved to ski and I loved to try new things, now anyway.
Tonight we had to interrupt the normal Saturday evening chick flick a thon to attend the Halloween party that was being put on by Steel Industries. I didn’t want to go, I was actually not going to go until someone pouted and all but begged… and I promised to consider it, but when he picked me up from work and asked if we should go as Tink and Peter Pan or Robin Hood and the Big Bad Wolf I caved.
