Give Me Desire (Reason Series)

by Derrick, Zoey

  I cock my head at him, puzzled by his question. “Yes, though regardless, boy or girl, I'd be happy, so long as it were healthy."

  He smiles. "Good. If I'd known that you wanted to know, I would have given you the envelope."

  "No, it's okay. I'd forgotten about it until she brought it up again. Besides, she seems more sure now than she was when she gave us the envelope."

  "True. What else has she said?"

  "Not much. We talked about my aversion to red meat." He laughs at that. "She said it was normal for me to not like everything I may have liked before. She also asked about my vitamins and if I was taking them, and that was about as far as we got when you called."

  "Okay, no more red meat. Got it." He laughs, teasing. "Can I call you tonight?"

  My heart pounds. "When are you coming home?" I pause momentarily at what I've just said about home.

  Mikah, on the other hand, doesn't quite catch it. “Tomorrow, in the morning. Early. I think. It's been pretty chaotic around here."

  "I can tell, you look exhausted."

  He snorts. "Yeah, I didn't sleep very well last night."

  My brows knit together. "Why not?"

  "We can talk about it later. I'm going to let you get back to your appointment. I'll call you when I'm done here, okay?"

  "Okay. Thanks for joining us."

  "No, thank you for letting me be a part of this."

  I smile a little wider. "By the way, what is this thing that I'm talking to you on?" I ask.

  "It's called an iPad. It's like your iPod, only bigger and a bit more sophisticated. Do you like it?"

  "It's pretty cool, though all I've done is talk to you. Not sure what else it can do."

  "I'll show you when I get home. Actually, I'll ask Celeste to show you the FaceTime app on your iPod. We can video chat tonight, if you'd like."

  My heart patters a bit at the thought of seeing him again when we talk tonight, and I smile wide.

  "Good. Alright, I wish you luck with the rest of your appointment, and I will talk to you soon."

  "Okay, bye."

  "Bye," he says.

  The iPad beeps twice and he's gone.

  Within a matter of seconds Dr. A. is back in the room.

  "Thank you. For letting him call and join us." I say to her.

  "You're welcome," she says and smiles.

  I hand her back the iPad and she sets it down behind her. "Shall we finish this up?"

  I nod and lie back down.

  TWENTY-ONE

  After about ten minutes, she's done doing whatever she needed to do down there. It didn't hurt exactly, but it was very uncomfortable.

  "Everything looks fine. You're closer to eighteen weeks along and everything looks great."

  I sit up. "Can I ask you something?" I say and blush.

  She shakes a little in silent laughter, and an all-knowing smile spreads across her lips. "Of course."

  "I'm wondering..." I can't seem to find the words I want to say.

  "You're wondering about sex?"

  Oh, God, is it really that obvious? The idea has crossed my mind once or twice over the last couple of weeks. I nod slowly, certain I've turned cherry red at this point.

  "Don't be embarrassed, Vivienne. It's a perfectly natural question to ask, and every expectant mother asks the same question. The answer is yes, you can have sex."

  I let out the breath I’ve been holding. "Can I ask you something else?"

  "Anything, Vivienne."

  "I'm not sure I want to know the answer to this, but I have to know..."

  "The answer is no. When you came in the last time, I was deeply concerned about it too, so I checked almost immediately. There were no signs of trauma to indicate that."

  I feel a tear streak down my face. I’d wanted to ask before I left the hospital two weeks ago, but it wasn't something I felt comfortable enough to ask. I’d healed so fast that I wasn’t sure I would have noticed if Riley had succeeded in...

  I can't even think the words.

  "Thank you," I say quietly.

  "Have you talked to anyone yet?"

  I shake my head.

  "It would probably be a good idea if you-"

  "No, I don't want to talk to someone. I don't remember much about what happened to me, and I don't want to relive the memories that I do have over and over again while someone analyzes me. My past is my past. I can't change that fact. And I truly seem to be better about my reactions to certain things." I take a deep breath. "Andrew, the man outside, for example, doesn't scare me. Neither do Red or Connor, for that matter.

  “Mikah is cautious, sometimes too cautious, but he'd figured out a lot of my triggers before. I've talked to him about it. Even a little bit about my past with Riley." I cringe internally at the name. "What happened with my mother is old history."

  She is watching me carefully. "You're a strong woman, Vivienne. Don't ever let anyone tell you differently. I admire your courage and even your determination. But know that we can't always solve things on our own."

  "I know, and Mikah has offered the same thing. I really just think that I've managed to process this all on my own, in my own way. Something I've always done."

  She nods. "Okay then. I will leave it be, but know that I'm only a phone call away. If you need me for anything, all you have to do is call."

  I smile and nod. "Thank you."

  "You're welcome. How's your shoulder? And your wrist?"

  I smile again at the change of subject. She knows when to stop, and I really like that about her.

  "They're great. I don't have any problems moving my arm, and my wrist has been fine since I left here."

  "Good. I will allow you to stop wearing the brace.” Considering that I haven’t been wearing it, until this morning, I try not to smile as she continues. “If you can, I'd recommend some light exercise, like walking. Or even yoga could be good for you. I will also allow you to return to work. However, I don't want you doing anything that requires you to be on your feet for long periods of time. So no waitressing."

  Jeez, I hadn't even thought about the diner. Partly due to Mikah's vehement refusal to let me go back to work there.

  "Talk to Mikah,” Dr. Alston says. “He might have something for you, if you feel it's important to work. I would like to see you back here in a month. We will start regular monthly visits from here until closer to your due date."

  "Speaking of due dates?"

  She reaches into a drawer behind her. "Forty weeks is total time of pregnancy, give or take a week or two." I watch as she twists and turns the cardboard wheel in her hand. "April thirteenth."

  I smile. "April thirteenth," I repeat. "I like it. But please tell me that's not a Friday?"

  She laughs. "Superstitious?"

  "Not really. But you know, it doesn't hurt to be cautious."

  She laughs again and pulls out a calendar. "No, it's a Saturday."

  "Good," I say and laugh.

  TWENTY-TWO

  When I emerge from the exam room, clothed and ready to go, Dr. Alston says, "All set?"

  "Yeah."

  She hands me a bag with a couple of things in it. "I've included another copy of the book I gave you, since you don't have the original one, and a few additional things about diet and such. To help with the lack of red meat." She winks at me.

  I look in the bag. It’s the book about how the body changes with pregnancy, the one left behind at my old apartment. "Oh that reminds me," I say. "I noticed this morning that, um, my breasts are swelling. A lot. To the point of painful."

  "How painful?"

  "Achy, really."

  "That's pretty normal. A little early, but normal. Your breasts are beginning to produce colostrum. It's a form of breast milk. It's a thicker, creamier substance that is generally higher in fat and very good for the baby when she's born. Sometimes you can begin to leak early, which is okay. A good, supportive bra or sports bra can help alleviate some of the tenderness. Even wearing one at night can help. Th
ere are some tips in that book that might help. Plus..." she says as she turns back to her desk. She grabs a couple of pamphlets and brings them over to me. "Here are a couple of good information sources on some things you can do to be more comfortable. They will better explain that part of pregnancy."

  I take them and slip them into the bag. "Thank you. For everything."

  "Anytime, Vivienne. Anything. I'll see you in a month."

  "See you then." I reach for and turn the knob on the door.

  Andrew is standing in front of the door, but he moves away quickly as I step through.

  "Thanks again, Dr. Alston," I say over my shoulder.

  She waves and Andrew whisks me down the hall. He reaches for his phone. "On our way," he says as we round the corner back toward the parking garage.

  TWENTY-THREE

  I hop into the shower shortly after arriving home from my appointment. When I come out, Celeste is in the kitchen. She is standing over the sink, washing dishes. The first couple of times she was here cleaning and doing dishes and such, I offered to help, but she would hear none of that.

  Celeste is awesome to be around. She's very funny and down to earth, and I'm comfortable with having her here. She talks about her boyfriend all the time, and I get the distinct impression that they are head-over-heels in love with each other.

  "Hi, Celeste," I say as I take a seat at the breakfast bar.

  "Hi, Vivienne. How was your appointment?"

  I smile because she remembered. She really misses nothing about what's going on around her.

  "It was good. Mikah called in and we used...an iPad?" I say, puzzled. "He was able to watch the whole thing."

  "That's awesome. Those iPads are amazing."

  "I'd never seen one before. But it was nice to have him there without him being there. He said he was going to get in touch with you, ask you to show me how to use FaceTime?" I think that's what he called it.

  "That was nice of him. I haven’t heard from him yet, but I can certainly show you on your iPod," she says sweetly. "So did you find anything out?"

  "Like?" I say, confused.

  "Did you find out what you're having?"

  "Oh, yes." I smile. She looks at me expectantly and I laugh. "It's a girl."

  She bounces up and down, clapping, excitement radiating off of her. I can't help but laugh at her girlish behavior.

  "You're having a girl. Oh, Viv, I'm so excited for you."

  I smile. "Me, too." And for the first time, I really do feel deep-down excitement about being pregnant and the fact that it's going to be a girl.

  She settles down some, but I can tell that she's still really excited. "What would you like to eat?" she asks.

  I roll my eyes, but my stomach growls. "Peanut butter and jelly?" I say.

  She smiles. "Alright, coming right up."

  "I can make it," I say, knowing full well that she will shoot me down.

  "Oh, no. That's my job."

  I shake my head as she gets busy. I climb off of the chair and head toward the living room.

  One of the things that I hate about not working is the fact that I just sit around doing nothing. Celeste handles all the cleaning in my apartment, all the laundry, and even the majority of the cooking. What she doesn't cook, Mikah does. Well, he heats up things that she's made, but his easy manner in the kitchen tells me that he is more than capable of cooking a meal on his own.

  I wonder idly about the diner. About Laura especially, and how she's doing. I haven’t thought about any of that since the attack because, well...the dream I had right before leaving the hospital. I don't know if that's now or in the future, and it scares me. I haven't called the diner because if Nyssa really is in cahoots with Riley, the less they know, the better. I make a mental note to ask Mikah if he ever told them about what happened to me.

  I grab my journal off of the coffee table and take a seat on the couch. I'd been avoiding this since Red brought it back to me from my apartment. It’s just another reminder of my old apartment and what happened. I guess it was my way of dealing with the whole mess.

  At the push of a button on the remote, my iPod flickers to life in its cradle. A beautiful instrumental piece starts to play as I open up my journal. The money I stored in it falls out. I'd forgotten all about this being in here. Plus there are the food stamp vouchers. Jeez, and W.I.C., too. Dang it, what am I going to do with all this stuff? I could give it to Celeste to use when she goes shopping, but I hardly see that as necessary.

  I tuck the vouchers into the back of the journal and decide to put the money in my purse.

  Where is my purse? Wow, I really hadn't thought about a lot of this stuff.

  "Celeste?"

  "Yes, Vivienne?" she calls back from the kitchen.

  "Do you know where...or, if Red managed to recover my purse from my apartment?"

  She stops what she's doing, almost as if she's recalled something she hadn't intended to remember. "Um, Red found it, but..." She pauses, looking at me, concern etched in her features. "I threw it out because it, um..."

  Well, shit. "It's alright. What about my wallet and the stuff inside?"

  She lightens up a little at my response. "That I do have. I'll run up to Mikah's and get it for you." She hurries to finish making my lunch.

  I loved that bag and I'm sad to see it go, but I’m happier that I've been sheltered from seeing it covered in blood.

  I shudder.

  "Here you go." Celeste is standing behind the couch with my sandwich on a plate.

  "Thank you," I say as I reach up and take it from her.

  "You're welcome. I'll be back down in a bit."

  "My wallet is no rush," I say, assuming that's why she's rushing upstairs.

  "Okay, but I need to go take care of a few things upstairs, anyway. I'll let you eat in peace, and I'll be back down in a bit. Would you like to go shopping for a new purse this afternoon?"

  Normally I would reject the idea, but I have the money from my journal. "I'd love to," I say with enthusiasm, and her face lights up.

  "Perfect. I'll let the guys know, and when you're done eating, come on upstairs, if you'd like, or I'll be back in about an hour."

  "Okay." I nod.

  She turns to leave and is about a third of the way to the door when I stop her. "Celeste?"

  "Yes?" She stops and turns toward me.

  "Can you help me find something for Mikah while we're out?" I ask shyly. I'd like to give him something to thank him for all he's done for me, though I have no clue what.

  She smiles. "Of course."

  I smile back and she heads for the door. As she opens it, I can see Andrew and Connor in the hallway, talking. They turn to Celeste as she shuts the door.

  TWENTY-FOUR

  About halfway through the second half of my sandwich, the phone rings. I expect it to be Celeste from upstairs, but when I look at the handset I see Mikah's name and my heart flutters.

  I swallow the bite that's in my mouth and click the green button. "Hello."

  "Hey, beautiful," he says with enthusiasm.

  I smile at his endearment. "Hi, Mikah. How are you?"

  He laughs a little bit. "I'm good, how are you doing?"

  "I'm great. Just finished eating a sandwich."

  "Peanut butter and jelly?"

  I laugh. "How'd you know?"

  "Because it's what you always eat." He has a point there. "Listen, Celeste sent me a text. You want to go shopping?"

  Uh, crap. "Yes, I just found out that she threw out my purse because it, um, was in my apartment." I don't need to say any more. "Though the shopping was her idea."

  He chuckles. "I know it was. At my urging, though she didn't expect you to be enthusiastic about it."

  "I'm not sure that I'm excited about it. I'm not much of a shopper. But I..." I debate with myself about whether to tell him about my own money. In the end I decide to be honest with him. "I finally opened my journal, and I had money stashed in there. So I'd like to get a new purse." I
brace myself.

  "I think you getting a new purse is a great idea. But-" Yup, here it comes. "-I've already arranged for a shopping budget for you-"

  "Mikah, that's not necessary. I have some money-“

  "Please, Vivienne, can I explain?"

  I sigh. "Yes."

  "I arranged the budget about a week ago. I wanted you to be able to..." He pauses. I hear him take a deep breath. "I wanted you to be able to buy things for yourself. And for the baby. I knew that your not working would mean you couldn’t buy the things you need or want without my or Celeste's intervention."

  I think I'm maybe starting to understand. He continues, "There are certain things that I know you're going to need or want that wouldn't have been the easiest things to ask for, so I thought if I arranged a way for you to get them on your own, you wouldn't have to ask."

  I immediately think about the conversation that Dr. A. and I had this morning about sports bras and such. Surely a budget from Mikah isn’t necessary, though. A sports bra and a purse can’t really be that expensive, right?

  "Vivienne?" he says quietly, bracing for my reaction.

  "I...I'm just processing this. Give me a moment. I'm really trying to not be angry at you."

  "My cute little tiger," he says coyly.

  I smile at his tone. "What's that mean?"

  "You're like a tiger trapped in a cat's body, just waiting for the moment to strike."

  There is a undertone of adoration in his voice that surprises me. I actually laugh. "Well, Mikah, I've learned to expect the unexpected with you. No, I'm not happy about it. No, I don't really plan to use your money. But sometimes I feel that the argument is old because you know how I feel about it." I sigh. "You've given me so much already - a place to live, food, clothes - and it is very hard for me to accept those things from you when I have nothing to give you in return."

  "That's not true. You give me everything, Vivienne."

  "What's that supposed to mean?" I ask, surprised.

  "I- Look, I really don't want to have this conversation on the phone. I would much rather do it in person. Can we discuss this when I get home tomorrow?" His voice is shaky, betraying nervousness.

  "Yeah, we can talk about it tomorrow," I say, but the reluctance I feel is obvious in my voice.