“Stop getting yourself all worked up. There are no two people on the planet who deserve to be and would love to be grandparents more than Patti and Bart.”
“But what if—?”
“They’re going to be thrilled,” he told her. No doubt in his mind. “Word of advice. When Patti goes in to hug you, which she will no doubt do, I’d bet in all her excitement she’s going to put some power behind that squeeze. My suggestion, take a deep breath before she grabs on to you.”
Krissy’s small smile warmed him.
When they reached the old neighborhood, Spencer circled the block to find parking. “I’m not going to find anything close. You want me to drop you—?”
“No,” shot from her mouth before he could even finish. Seeming to realize her exaggerated response, she took a breath and calmed it down. “I mean, no thank you. I like to walk. Walking is good. If J.J.’s car seat is too heavy for you to carry, I’ll carry it.”
As if seven maybe eight pounds of baby and a plastic car seat would be too heavy for him to carry. Heck, he could carry Krissy and the diaper bag too without breaking a sweat. “I can handle it.”
Fifteen minutes later Spencer pressed the intercom button for Patti and Bart’s apartment.
“Do I look okay?” Krissy asked nervously, trying to rub some wrinkles from the front of her dress. “Do I look like a woman you’d want raising your grandchild?” she asked, without giving him a chance to respond to her first question.
“Hey,” he said, lifting her chin so she had to look at him. “I know telling you not to be nervous isn’t going to stop you from being nervous, but trust me, it’s wasted energy. Patti and Bart love you, they’ve always loved you. You look beautiful. And while I find you way too sexy to want you to raise my grandchild, I think Patti and Bart will be perfectly fine with it.”
She smacked his arm, the one holding J.J.’s car seat.
“Hey,” he said. “You’re going to make me drop the baby.” Not likely.
Her eyes went wide.
He smiled.
She smacked him again.
Just like old times.
The intercom buzzed them in and Spencer opened the door.
“The hallway looks and smells the same,” Krissy said.
Dimly lit, off-white walls with various nicks and scratches, and worn carpeting that could quite possibly be the same carpet his eleven-year-old feet had walked on so many years ago. The scents of fried food and garlic and tomato sauce lingered in the air. Coming for a visit was a journey back in time.
He tried to be a gentleman and let Krissy precede him up the stairs to the second floor, but she insisted he go first. When they reached apartment 2F, Krissy stood there, looking like she’d seen a ghost.
“You okay?” he asked her again.
“So many memories,” was all she said.
So many memories indeed, delicious food, fun times and so much laughter...followed by such heart-wrenching sorrow.
After a few seconds Krissy straightened to her full height and, shoulders back, lifted her fist to knock.
Only she didn’t knock. “I should probably...” She dug into her purse to take out a white business sized envelope similar to the one Jarrod had left for him. Made sense he’d leave one for his parents too. She pulled out two other papers then lifted her fist to knock again.
She hesitated.
“You want me to do it?”
She nodded.
Spencer knocked.
Bart must have been standing in wait because the door flew open. “Look at you,” he said to Krissy. “Pretty as ever.” He pulled her into a hug. “Haven’t changed a bit.”
Actually, in Spencer’s estimation, she’d changed quite a bit. Adult Krissy was so much more than a pretty face, a hot body, and a fun time. She was strong and determined, yet at times, vulnerable. She was competent and responsible, yet not afraid to ask for help when she needed it. And most importantly of all, she seemed to be a great mother.
“Let them in you big oaf,” Patti said from behind Bart, hitting his shoulder with a dish towel. No sooner did Bart step aside, Patti’s eyes went straight to J.J., who was fast asleep in the car seat carrier dangling from Derrick’s hand, and everyone went silent.
CHAPTER NINE
KRISSY SET HER hand to her chest, hoping to keep her heart from banging through her sternum, as she watched Patti set her eyes on J.J. for the first time. So many times she’d tried to visualize this moment, what Bart would say, how Patti would react. Deep down, in the tiny, still pure, believe-in-fairy-tale-endings, part of her brain that somehow remained unaffected by her years as a weary realist, Krissy had let herself believe that Patti would somehow take one look at J.J. and just know he was her grandson, that she’d feel an instant connection to Jarrod’s son, an immediate grandma-grandson bond that defied rational explanation.
So Krissy wouldn’t have to explain, wouldn’t have to risk them not believing her. Like Spencer had.
But one look at the confusion and disbelief on Patti’s face told Krissy today would not be the day for fairy-tale endings.
Tears filled her eyes as all her dreams for the future, for happy family get-togethers, visits to grandma and grandpa’s place, and over-the-top celebrations courtesy of Patti, started to flicker.
No!
In Patti and Bart’s silence, Krissy couldn’t help but wonder, yet again, if she’d waited too long, had missed that window of opportunity when they would have welcomed Jarrod’s son? When having a grandson would have made a difference in their lives. How could she have been so stupid to automatically assume Patti and Bart would accept her child into their hearts without Jarrod being there?
Patti pointed between Krissy and Spencer. “You and Spencer...?”
“What? Me? No!” Spencer blurted. “I’m not the father.”
Could he be any more insulting? He made it sound like being J.J.’s father would be the worst thing in the world. That sent tears flowing down her cheeks. She did not need Spencer tainting their view of her, making them question Jarrod’s choice of a mother for his son.
She was a good mother. Maybe she didn’t know it all, but every day she learned something knew, every day she strived to be better than she’d been the day before.
“Ah, honey,” Patti said. “Don’t cry.” She held open her arms, and Krissy couldn’t resist walking into them, accepting the comfort they offered.
The feel of her, so soft and cushiony, the smell of her, an elusive hint of fragrance, had Krissy feeling sixteen years old again, wanting to absorb as much of Patti’s loving care as she could, to hold her through until the next time she came to visit. “I’m sorry,” Krissy said, trying to keep control of all the emotion churning inside of her, looking for an outlet.
“There. There.” Patti rubbed her back. “Nothing to be sorry about, having a baby is a wonderful thing. I only thought Spencer because you called looking for him. But if he’s not the daddy, who is? And why didn’t you bring him with you?”
Because J.J.’s daddy is dead.
With that thought the floodgates opened and months of worry and fear poured out of her, to the point she couldn’t stop crying even if she wanted to. God help her it felt good, felt necessary. “I’m sorry.” Her words came out between hiccupping breaths. “I waited...so long. Too long. But I...wasn’t ready.” She couldn’t get enough air. But short of passing out from lack of oxygen, she would not stop talking, not yet, not until she said everything she needed to say. “And that I...didn’t check...with you and... Bart first. But Jarrod wanted...and I agreed...and I hope...” she said, sobbing more than talking.
“Calm down, honey,” Patti said. “It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay.”
It didn’t feel okay, didn’t feel like it was ever going to be okay again and Krissy’s h
eart started to ache. What if—?
Someone walked up behind her. She heard Spencer’s soft voice close to her ear, a much kinder version than when he’d balked at someone thinking he was J.J.’s dad. Heaven forbid!
“Give them the letter,” he said.
Right. The letter she held in a death grip behind Patti’s back. The letter that, in seeing Patti’s face, she’d forgotten all about.
Krissy nodded. Get it together. She wiped her eyes, inhaled a shaky, yet somewhat fortifying breath and stepped away from Patti’s embrace, standing tall, trying to be strong for her son. Whatever happened she’d deal with it.
Krissy handed Patti the letter. “It’s from Jarrod.”
From the look on Patti’s face, she’d already recognized the handwriting.
“Maybe you should sit down when you read it,” Spencer suggested.
Yes. Right. They should both sit down. Just in case. “In the living room?” Where she, Jarrod and Spencer had spent so many hours hanging out, watching movies or playing video games. It looked exactly the same. Pictures of Jarrod covering the far wall, his trophies and other memorabilia lining the shelving below. Bookcases filled with books lined the other wall.
As if in slow motion, Patti followed Bart into the living room and they sat down on the sofa. Wanting to give them privacy, and needing something to do, Krissy went down on her knees to unbuckle J.J. from his car seat.
Under normal circumstances, she’d have let him sleep.
These were not normal circumstances.
She needed his warmth, needed to feel him in her arms, needed to feel some connection to Jarrod. “Come on, sweetie,” she whispered as he stretched and let out his little baby moans. “Time to meet your grandma and grandpa.” Grabbing a shoulder cloth from the diaper bag, she lifted him. Cuddling him close to her chest, she joined Spencer by the entrance to the living room, happy to stand and sway with J.J., to burn off her nervous energy, rather than sit.
Still on the first page of the two page letter Patti looked up at Krissy. “You mean you...?”
Her expression was filled with such wonder, such hope. Krissy’s eyes filled with tears again as she nodded.
“That’s...” Patti brought her fingertips to her lips, her now tear-filled eyes stared at J.J.
“Jarrod’s baby,” Krissy said, turning J.J. to hold him in front of her, facing his grandparents, so they could get a good look at him. “Your grandson.”
A jolt of fear had Krissy remembering Spencer’s disbelief when she’d told him she was carrying Jarrod’s baby. Not wanting to experience the same response from Patti and Bart, Krissy had come prepared. “Here.” She walked to where Patti sat on the couch. “This is the documentation from the clinic where I had the artificial insemination performed, confirming the use of Jarrod’s sperm. I’m not sure what he told you in the letter, but he had it frozen before his first deployment.” She handed over the paper, fighting panic. Please believe me. “And this is the baby’s birth certificate.” She handed that to Patti too, not that a birth certificate served to verify paternity, but it had to mean something that she’d named the baby after Jarrod? Right?
Patti didn’t scrutinize the papers like Krissy had hoped she would. Instead she handed them to Bart, still looking confused and uncertain, her eyes locked on J.J.
Krissy’s hope from a moment ago turned to dread. Is this where they’d tell her they didn’t believe her? Where they’d accuse her of trying to pass off another man’s baby as Jarrod’s, just like Spencer had? Krissy bounced J.J. while she waited for Bart to read the papers, her heart pounding in her chest once again.
“This is all my fault,” Spencer said, coming to stand beside her. “Krissy’s worried you’re not going to believe that the baby is Jarrod’s because when she told me I gave her a hard time.”
A really hard time.
He looked down at her. “I’m sorry. Again.”
“Thank you.” For coming to her rescue and for the apology, but it didn’t wipe his harsh words from her mind, didn’t stop her from worrying.
Without a word Bart got up from the couch and left the room.
Oh, no. She glanced over to Spencer and shot him a non-verbal, What’s going on?
Spencer shrugged but didn’t look concerned.
Patti’s voice interrupted the silence. “Jarrod Spencer Sadler Junior,” she read from the birth certificate.
“I call him J.J.”
“You gave him my name?” Spencer asked.
It’d seemed like a good idea at the time. Now? Not so much. “You’re the godfather. Jarrod’s other best friend. I thought...” It’d be an honor, that he’d appreciate the gesture. Apparently not.
Bart returned to the room holding a large, framed, wall-hanging picture. “Look.” Patti held up the birth certificate for him to read.
The big man looked like he was barely keeping it together. “Sadler.” His eyes met Krissy’s. “You gave him our last name.”
Of course she had. “He’s Jarrod’s son, Jarrod’s legacy.”
Bart turned the picture so Spencer and Krissy could see it. “This is Jarrod at a few weeks old.”
Oh, my goodness. “They could be twins.” She’d hoped there’d be a resemblance, but never did she think they’d look so much alike so early on.
“I don’t need any papers to tell me that’s Jarrod’s child,” Bart said. “I can tell from just looking at him.”
Krissy thought she might melt with relief. “Thank you.” Wouldn’t you know it? Tears filled up her eyes again. “I’m sorry.” She wiped them away, one-handed. “My emotions are all over the place lately.”
“May I hold him?” Patti asked quietly, still staring at J.J., but now with such longing.
As she prepared to hand over her baby, as Patti reached out her hands to take him, Krissy saw what she’d been hoping for, waiting for. Patti looked at her grandson with so much love and pure joy it made all of Krissy’s nervous concern vanish.
She handed her son to his grandma and he cuddled his little face into the base of her neck like that space had been created just for him and he’d been there a thousand times before. Patti held him close as she rocked him, eyes closed as if savoring the moment. “It feels so good to be holding a baby, again.”
“To be holding your grandson, you mean,” Bart said.
Tears streaming down her cheeks, Patti nodded.
“And you can hold him all you want after I get a turn.” Bart held out his large hands. “Easy to forget how little they are.” But he handled his grandbaby with the skill of a seasoned grandpa, and J.J. settled right in against Bart’s chest, completely content.
Spencer said, “He was six pounds, two ounces when he was born.”
“You were there?” Patti asked.
“Considering he bullied me into attending Lamaze classes, it seemed only fair to make him be my coach,” Krissy said.
“Good for you, Spencer,” Patti said. “You always were such a levelheaded boy.”
Spencer smiled proudly, tauntingly, in Krissy’s direction.
Krissy got the urge to stick her tongue at him in response, but she refrained.
“Oh, how I would have loved to have been there,” Patti said dreamily.
“I’d gone back and forth about telling you sooner,” Krissy admitted. “But I didn’t want to risk you having to deal with the loss of another family member if something went wrong. So I decided to wait.”
Patti stood up and gave Krissy a hug. “For as much as Spencer was the levelheaded one of your little group, you were always the thoughtful one.”
She’d tried to be, still tried to be.
“You have given us the most thoughtful gift of all.” Patti squeezed her tightly. “Thank you, honey. A grandchild! I can’t believe it.” She squeezed her even tig
hter. “I’m a grandma. Thank you.” She kissed her cheek. “Thank you so much.”
Krissy’s heart swelled with love. This is the response she’d been hoping for. “You’re welcome.”
“Now tell me,” Patti took a step back. “What do you need from us? Anything, doesn’t matter how big, Bart and I will take care of it.”
God how she loved this woman.
“I don’t need you to do anything. I purposely waited until I was mature enough and financially secure enough to raise J.J. on my own, without having to depend on anyone else. But if you want to do something for us, and you by no means have to, so don’t feel under any pressure. I’d love it if we could get together for Sunday dinners, like we used to.” Years ago.
“You don’t have to go crazy cooking,” Krissy told Patti. “Grilled cheese sandwiches are fine. Or take out. And it doesn’t always have to be here. You could come up to my place in White Plains. It’s not that far. And I have this great kitchen table we could all sit at.” She slid a small smile to Spencer.
He smiled back.
“The important thing is that we’re together, like family. Not that I’m family or anything,” Krissy backtracked. “But J.J.—”
Patti pulled her into another hug. “I’ve always thought of you as family, honey, the daughter of my heart.” She reached out to Spencer to include him in the hug. “And you’re like a second son to me,” she told him.
Spencer stepped into the hug.
Krissy started to tear up. But she had to stay strong, had to get out what she wanted to say without falling apart again. So she stepped back and looked at Bart. “We may not need anything, but I’d love it if you’d teach J.J. about sports, and maybe take him to football games and baseball games.” Jarrod had always looked forward to that. “And if you’d help him plan out and construct his Halloween costumes.” Jarrod always had the best costumes.
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