‘What The Hell Was I Thinking?!!’ - Confessions of the World’s Most Controversial Sex Symbol

by Jake Brown

  Part XX ii

  2008: The Year of New Beginnings (and the 42-Year Old Virgin!!!)

  I resolved heading into 2008 to get my life back on track without Matt, beginning with the good news that my Australia licensing advance was finally showing up, which allowed me to take a sublet in the Marina. I couldn’t rent an apartment on my own at that point because my credit was so FUCKED (Thank You, Matt), but I didn’t care, I was just grateful to be living with a roof over my head again. I had the NAMM Convention coming up later that month. I was nervous because I knew I’d invariably run into Matt for the first time since our pre-holidays split, and heard he’d been spreading lies all over town about me to our friends, claiming I’d cheated on him, playing the victim as he always did.

  By the time the NAMM show arrived, I felt I’d made my case, and felt a lot better showing my face, which I was contractually obligated to do anyway, at the convention. I had interviews to do for the Metal Scene TV Show, and had started working for Stay Heavy TV in Brazil, as well as writing for Rock Brigade Magazine, in addition to my usual signings for Coffin Case, etc. So things were looking up professionally, free of the weight of Matt to drag me down. I could sign my name however I liked to, or talk to whoever I wanted to on a professional basis at the convention without worrying about his jealousy flaring up. When I finally did run into him, it surprised me both at how bad he looked which was like total shit — and at how little I cared. I just shot him the coldest stare anyone could conjure up in that moment of freedom, and could tell he felt it. He wouldn’t even look at me, let alone speak to me. It was really

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  338 what the hell was i thinking?!! good for my ego, and I celebrated by going out and partying my ass off every night of the convention. I worked as hard as I partied too, making a bunch of new connections, and feeling pretty confident I’d made the right move by letting go of such a heavy monkey on my back.

  Matt responded by serving me with divorce papers at the end of January, by some fat chick that I used to help get into shows and help her pathetic ass out socially, no less. I found out Matt had been staying at her house, using her, no doubt, for a place to crash, and who knows what else. She was a fucking pig, and she had no business sticking her snout in my business.The impending divorce made life a little harder emotionally throughout February, which featured both Matt’s birthday and Valentine’s Day, and the reality of our leading separate lives hit me once and for all. There were days I was heartbroken, but there were more days when I was determined to remain resilient and rise above the lows I’d traveled with that scumbag. I knew I was better off without him, and decided to focus over the rest of the spring on getting my life back on track. I still had all sorts of legal madness to get through, and began sorting through it all by hiring a lawyer to represent me in the course of my divorce. Matt was trying to dump all our debt off on me, just as I was working through trying to let him go. I knew this time in my life was a wake-up call for me to realize the relationship was done and over with, and I knew for the first time in my heart it was time to move on.

  As the spring wore on, I began the formal process of legally untangling myself from both Matt in the courts, as well as from YET ANOTHER lease, because my rental turned out to be a sublet of a sublet that was ending soon.The latter was affected by the former because my credit had been so fucked up in the course of our marriage that I couldn’t get a lease anywhere in my own name. This was such a far step down from where I thought I’d be at that point when I’d married Matt 3 years earlier. It wasn’t the first time I was cleaning up an ex-boyfriend’s messes, but I was determined this time would be the last. Word by this point had gotten out among our friends in the Hollywood social scene that we had split. So in the course of re-entering that world, my friend had flown in from Florida to see her boyfriend, Paige, lead singer/guitarist from a band, and was staying with also as for moral support while I got back on my feet. She was a stripper name Angie, and though she would later turn out to be a back stabbing bitch, or as I like to call her type: a professional groupie-in-training, initially it was nice to have the company. After she

  2008: the year of new beginnings 339 had a falling out with Paige, he ended up dropping her things off at the Marina, and we wound up being one another’s shoulder for the last 10 days of her stay. She called herself ***Angie Disas on her MySpace page, and as time went on, I found it to be an appropriate name. I found out after she left that she had been trolling through my computer contacts and business cards looking for numbers to steal. It was a very vulnerable time in my life, and I guess that reflected in my ability to see people’s true colors at that point, but was trying to keep the faith.

  With my court date in April fast approaching, I’d hired a lawyer to handle the appearance for me. I was sad to learn my hopes for recovering some of the money Matt owed me through the course of debts he’d run up during our marriage, were dashed with the news that the State of Washington tends to favor the husband financially in these types of actions. Heading into the court hearing, I had this nervous feeling in my stomach that reflected the general way I’d been feeling around then — constantly anxious, emotionally empty, and unsure of whom to trust. The break I needed came when the divorce was finalized and the judge reverted all decisions regarding the settlement of financial issues to be decided in the State of California, which I found to be a huge relief. I was actually surprisingly upbeat given the added bonus that Matt had shown up to court without an attorney and his mommy and daddy acting as his lawyer instead. I burst out laughing when I’d heard that Matt’s father was actually squabbling with the judge, wining about various financial issues I guess he’d assumed would be settled in Washington instead of California. It was a potentially huge legal victory for me, and I decided to use it as a motivation to keep the faith, and look to the future. I felt like I was engaged in a game of chess, and that Matt had just lost a big piece on his side of the board.

  As April neared its end, I was busy packing to move out of my Marina sublet when the original owner of the lease actually came back into town early and walked in on us! She had no idea I had been living there, and it wasn’t until I’d explained everything that she agreed not to call the police! I grabbed up another sublet in West Hollywood, which returned me to Matt and my old stomping ground, but I looked at it in a way as glorified storage since I was leaving for Brazil in early May. I loved Brazil, and felt it would truly hold my best prospects for a new beginning, especially since things professionally were looking very promising. Brazil has a huge metal market but not a lot of celebrity veejays, and I had a pretty good following

  3 4 0 what the hell was i thinking?!! there to build on, so I’d started writing for Rock Brigade Magazine and veejaying for Stay Heavy Metal TV Show, the premier metal show in South America. I posted somewhat of a thank you on MySpace when I left the states, to those who had stuck by me on my divorce from Matt which read: ‘I just wanted to say thank you to all of my fans and loved ones for their support through my divorce and the crap that also went with it. Thanks for understanding and keeping me strong. Without the love of my fans, I seriously would have hung myself. Without the love of my friends such as Amy, Angie,Tommy H. & Sickie, I never would have made it as far as I have. It is nice to know that when I was homeless & almost penniless because of Matt Wicklund (yes, the guy that dumped me after he had my unconditional love & support for years. No, I never cheated on him like he is lying to everyone to save face. Ultimately, he was just jealous that I had people who love me and admire me & stood by my side. So many great things have happened since & I will never shut my heart down to anyone. I know that many of you were concerned that this bad situation jaded me, but it has not & it never will. I hope that one day my story may inspire someone to follow their dreams and be strong. I also hope that one day my story of when my ex left me for dead & penniless & the fact that I was living in a van with our 4 cats & pulled myself up by my brastraps to better myself will inspire someone one day. I am going
forward and doing an autobiography. My story needs to be told by me, not some stupid internet website that has their facts wrong. There is a reason why Rhea became Jasmin St Claire. I need to tell my story for the sole reason of hopefully changing someone’s life for the better.’

  I stopped off in Miami on my way to Brazil to film some interviews for Stay Heavy TV, and got to spend some with my friend Mustis, the keyboardist in Dimmu Borgir, who I also saw while I was down in Florida. When I arrived in San Paulo, Brazil I felt like I’d finally escaped the craziness of L.A. and all the drama surrounding my divorce with Matt. It had been a dark cloud following me around for too long now, but here there were only blue skies, and I really felt like I was going to be given a clean slate personally. Professionally, I was focused on expanding my fan base even further with my work for Brazilian TV and Rock Brigade Magazine, but I also had taken work as a celebrity promoter for a booking agency, working to get Metal bands to tour Brazil. The position wasn’t a token position. I got it because of the network of contacts in the Metal world I’d built up from my work on Metal’s Dark Side over the years. Through my contacts with the folks at Metal Blade Records, as one example, I was successful in bringing down a number of the band’s marquee metal acts to Brazil, as well as getting their catalogs distributed in the country for the first time. Through that deal, we secured the release of the Cannibal Corpse catalog in Brazil, and in another distribution pact I brokered, we got Koch Entertainment to license Hatebreed’s catalog for release. I had first been flown there to emcee a big Metal festival, but I found myself feeling so at home I decided following a brief June trip back to L.A. to start looking for a permanent place to live in Brazil.

  Once I touched down back in California summer was in full swing in West Hollywood, which as far as I’m concerned is the bottom-feeder capital of L.A. Being single among a flood of men on the prowl, I found that while I didn’t miss Matt, I actually did miss being married to someone in terms of dealing with the formerly mentioned assholes. While I’d just been in paradise, I was now in a place filled with fake, pretentious wanna-bes who drain your energy, and find out who you are and what you do and how you can help them. It’s not my type of scene, because they are not constructive people doing anything positive. It’s like a big rat race of people who couldn’t be shit except the dirt below my shoe trying to compete with me — whether professionally or personally, when women would pretend to be my friend to go after my husband. I had rescued my position at the Metal Scene TV show back from that bitch and former friend of mine when I resumed my veejay post with Ron Estrada. I continued working with Stay Heavy TV covering concerts for them around L.A. Shortly after arriving back in town, I ran into the aforementioned bottom-feeder at the Rainbow Bar & Grill, one of MY longtime local hangouts, and decided to confront her once and for all on the subject. I can’t fully describe the thrill I received from shoving her face in the bowl of clam chowder, but the laughter that erupted around me was enough validation that she had it coming. Another downer came in July when my brand new Ford Escape SUV was stolen out of my parking lot while I’d been out of town for a few days. I didn’t have full insurance on the car as I was just getting back on my feet, so I had to eat the loss, which I could NOT afford! I hadn’t had that fucking car six months. I ended up driving fucking rental cars after that when I was home in L.A., and because I traveled a lot, it wasn’t as bad as it could have been I guess, but still sucked ass — just like the trick who stole my truck!

  As the summer rolled on, I was staying extremely busy, filming 4 or 5 times a week covering shows for Metal Scene TV, but my heart was still set on Brazil. I went back down in July to do some work for Stay Heavy TV, and decided while I was in town to begin my formal search for an apartment. I had to return to L.A. in August but had an agent on the hunt for me in San Paulo. Back in the States, I managed to find a lease in Marina Del Rey, which was important for me personally because it made me feel like I’d come full-circle in a way from the bottom I’d hit in my relationship with Matt. It had always been home to me since I’d first moved out to L.A., and I’d lived there for almost a decade before I’d lost my apartment during my marriage. Reclaiming that part of my life meant something to me because it was the first I’d ever attained after moving to this city as a nobody, almost 15 years earlier, but it wasn’t just materialistic. It was just a beautiful place, it was quiet and calm, and didn’t have that whole Hollywood crowd mentality, and I’d always felt drawn to it.

  With my personal and professional life getting back on track, I picked up another writing gig that summer working for Cover Guitarra, the biggest guitar magazine in Brazil, reviewing the metal scene in the States and writing a column. I also began working for Poland’s Hard Rocker Magazine, which also had a huge following throughout Eastern Europe. It made me feel good to know my fan base was alive and well throughout both Europe and South America, where I’d really worked over the years through all of my various professional paths to expand and grow. Still, I hadn’t attained anywhere near the popularity I had with those markets in adult film or wrestling, it had come primarily from my work as a metal veejay for Metal’s Dark Side and my other metal-themed gigs. I had always loved the music as a fan, so it was that much cooler to be getting paid to work in a field I loved. I had had that experience in wrestling, but not as much because I had had to be the business brains as well as a performer. I was still my own best ambassador in the world of metal, but fans supported my transition from the wrestling to metal world because they knew I had a genuine love for both, and put equal heart into both pursuits! That popularity translated into my being approached at the end of August to appear on South America’s version of Dancing with the Stars, which I turned down at the time, along with an offer for a Latin version of Big Brother. Both felt wrong at the time in context of my desire to stay fullyfocused in becoming the South America’s biggest Metal Veejay, which I felt required 100% of my attention. Also, on a personal level, I felt that the way they performed DWTS in South America was a little sleazier than I wished to be associated with at that point in my career, having worked as hard as I did to move out of and away from that world. It felt like participating might have been the equivalent of doing soft-core porn as far as my credibility would have been concerned.

  I still wished Matt dead when I closed my eyes, so while time had been good to me, I knew I would need a lot more of it to go by before I was fully over the end of my marriage. The fall was an exciting time because heading into October I was invited by Stay Heavy TV to work at the Music Expo in Brazil, which was that country’s equivalent of the NAMM convention in the States. In addition to doing interviews with all the major Metal stars attending the convention, I also was doing a big signing of my own at their booth, as well as a separate signing that had been lined up for me at the Rock Brigade Magazine booth. I knew it would be a great opportunity to network and expand my presence in the Latin metal world, which was a constantly growing market. I got to hang out with my friends in Sepultura and met Paul Diano from Iron Maiden. I also saw a lot of other cool international metal bands that had followings in South America, so the whole conference just had a really cool vibe, and I just felt overall there was a lot less drama in the Brazilian metal business — less bullshit, less wanna-bes. While at the convention, I also met a blonde-haired, blue-eyed German named Gerard who worked at LASER, which was the label I’d negotiated the deals with Metal Blade and other labels for among others, and we started hanging out. We went out on a couple of dates and I really liked him and he seemed to really like me, but for whatever reason, he didn’t want to take it further. I thought maybe he was just a little more old-fashioned, so I raised the idea of staying a few extra days, and most men would jump at that, but he didn’t for reasons I’d find out later. I still liked him though, and knew I’d be coming back down the next month, so we left it at that for the moment.

  Back in L.A., all I could think about was Brazil. It was the place I definitely wanted to be. I was happier t
here and less stressed out, and I felt like there were far more professional opportunities available to me. To that end, I made my visit back to So Cal short and by early November was back down in San Paulo, and had even rented my own flat. I hooked back up with Gerard and while we felt like we definitely had chemistry things continued to heat up as we started dating.They would never quite explode the way my body wanted them to. Even with a full pack of Viagra and a penis injection, this guy could NOT get an erection! It had me instantly curious: was he secretly married? Had he been in a relationship previously where sex had been a big issue so he didn’t want to rush into that? Did my past reputation as an adult film star make him nervous in bed? Whatever the case, millions of men have successfully celebrated plenty of fantasies about me over the years. Whether alone or with their girlfriend (or girlfriends) from some of the fan mail I’ve received — here is the one man I want to have sex with and he couldn’t get his dick up to save either of our sex lives! I’d dealt with that on set before with fellow porn stars that had to inject themselves in the jimmy to keep it hard; that’s the extreme they were willing to go to, in order to stay hard with me. And for all Matt’s faults, that was never one of the problem areas in our marriage. Then I started to wonder if he was maybe gay?

  A couple of nights later we had a big fight back at the hotel in Rio over his acting like a drunk Matt-type asshole down in the hotel bar. When we took it back up to the room, naturally, we continued to argue as he had no other plans for me. In hindsight, I was happy we did because he was thankfully drunk enough to reveal that the real reason for his impotence had little to do with me, or any woman for that matter, since it turned out he’d never been with one!!! And he was 42 years old!!! Yes, I was officially dating the ‘42 YEAR OLD VIRGIN!’ I remember looking at him in stunned disbelief when he told me, and he started crying, begging me to be patient with him. I guess I felt bad for him in the moment, but thankfully was leaving for the holidays back to the States the next day and knew I had a lot to think about. I thought maybe his parents had emotionally — castrated him, but I was already over it. The bottom line is you can’t be in a relationship with someone and not have a sex life; it never works, especially long-distance! As you can imagine, once I was back stateside, things slowed down dramatically with Gerard, but thankfully they were busy in L.A. I spent the early part of December doing a new round of interviews for Stay Heavy TV which was really cool because by this point, I was beginning to carve out a reputation as The Brazilian Metal Veejay around L.A. In addition to my work for The Metal Scene TV Show, the latter distinction is important because around L.A., one of the new trends I’d grown SO tired of among the West Hollywood wanna-bes were these little groupie bitches who had MySpace or YouTube Metal Shows. No one would legitimately hire them for that kind of work, so they ‘self-published’so to speak, not understanding that after the first gig or so, you’re only a legitimate Veejay if you get paid for your time. It just got more and more on my nerves because every time I’d return from Brazil, there were more and more of them popping up everywhere. Showing up at concerts I was covering for a legitimate television show with a real camera crew while they stood outside with a little camcorder or video cell phone pretending to do my job. Some of them would even follow my MySpace calendar of upcoming shows and show up there, it was stalker-ish and creepy, and something I looked forward to permanently escaping (along with L.A. altogether) in the new year.