Seeking Sorrow (Guardians of Terath Book 1)

by Zen DiPietro

  She pulled in a long breath. With the ease of many years’ practice, she found her sense of center and eased herself to a state of calm.

  “Kassimeigh.”

  “Does anyone call you Kass?”

  “Never.”

  “Okay then, Justice Kassimeigh, I’m going to wash my hands, chuck these bloody blankets, and come back with my own nice, clean ones and my bedroll. I’ll also bring some water so you can wash up. Then I’m going to be your sleepover buddy.”

  She started to protest but he cut her off. “I’ll make you a deal. Don’t argue, and I won’t ask any questions tonight. You’ll have time to figure out what you want to say and what you don’t. And I won’t tell anyone out there what’s going on, either, except the shiv is going to be fine.” He thumbed an indication toward all that lay outside the tent.

  She closed her mouth and nodded. Now that the damage was done, there was no logic in refusing his help. He flashed her a jaunty smile before following through on his plan.

  “How could this happen?” she wondered aloud after he’d left, then clamped her mouth shut. She didn’t want to risk accidentally starting a conversation with him. She had the rest of the night to decide what she wanted to say.

  Except she didn’t want to say anything at all.

  Chapter 5

  Damn, damn, damn, bloody hell. If cursing could turn back time, Kassimeigh would have righted all the wrongs hours ago.

  As it was, she now must deal with the events of the previous night. She’d never had her identity revealed without her consent. But because her standard vehicle in life was confrontation and judgment, she got in the driver’s seat and stomped on the accelerator. Once she heard Izzy, Will, and Luc moving around the fire, she set her jaw and slipped out of her tent.

  She adopted an aggressive wide-legged stance, put her hands on her hips and gave them all time to process what they saw.

  She wore a fresh black shoka with no hood, coat, or gloves. Her hair cascaded in loose curls. She shattered her anonymity in one silent moment.

  Kassimeigh watched her companions. Izzy wore an interested smile and Luc’s eyes had narrowed. Will’s reaction had been the most elaborate.

  Upon seeing her in his peripheral vision, he had dismissed the shiv’s black clothing and continued rummaging through his pack. Then his head snapped up for another look. His gaze raked over her face, hair, and finally, figure. Confusion led, realization briefly outran it, and then confusion regained the lead and crossed the finish line. Will sat down hard.

  “If anyone has a problem, now is the time to say so,” Kassimeigh stated. She crossed her arms.

  No one spoke. They all wore thoughtful expressions. Arc slipped out of her tent behind her and joined the others at the fire.

  “What’s for breakfast?” Arc examined the beginnings of the meal the others had begun to prepare.

  Izzy’s smile enveloped her whole face. She sparkled with delight. Luc’s eyes narrowed to slits. Will’s jaw lost all integrity and fell open.

  “That’s okay,” Arc said when no one answered him. He picked up a pan. “I’ll take it from here.”

  “Come eat with us,” Izzy invited the justice. She continued to beam with pleasure.

  Kassimeigh joined the group and sat. She ignored Will’s outright stare and Luc’s more subtle glances. The fire took the chill she only now registered off her cheeks.

  Arc and Izzy began an upbeat patter of conversation that included the others but didn’t require responses. The two worked together efficiently to serve a simple breakfast.

  After several minutes of silence, Luc spoke. “We should break camp and get out of here as soon as we’re done eating.”

  Kassimeigh stiffened in anticipation when he began speaking, but relaxed when he did not address her specifically.

  The others all murmured in agreement. She made herself eat some breakfast, even though she didn’t want it. Afterward, they began to break down their tents. Kassimeigh did not feel sorry to leave this place behind. It had brought her nothing but trouble.

  They’d begun packing the carts when Will reached the end of his patience. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be rude, but I find it hard to believe we’re not going to discuss this.”

  “Speak,” Kassimeigh commanded.

  Will blinked. The sensation of being commanded by a justice was new for him, and not terribly pleasant. “Why are you revealing yourself to us now?”

  Her lovely features remained stoic and dignified. Will marveled at the difference between his previous impression of the shiv and the reality that stood before him.

  “I was injured last night and in the process of helping me, Arc became aware of my identity. Since Izzy already knew me as an individual, protecting my privacy with only you and Luc seemed a foolish pretense.”

  “Wait. You call her Izzy? Not Izzy Gin?”

  “Yes.”

  Will glanced at the reader. He hadn’t known that was an option. But then, maybe it wasn’t, for the rest of them. The woman was simply looking at him with raised eyebrows. If she wanted him to call her that, she’d say so, wouldn’t she?

  Whatever. He wasn’t going to give her a chance to make fun of him. He returned his attention to Kassimeigh.

  “You’re moving freely. It wasn’t a serious injury, then? At the time, I think we all suspected the worst.”

  A wrinkled brow marred her composure for the briefest moment, but her voice remained even. “I am recovered.”

  “Good.” Will refused to be daunted by her. Full shoka or no, she was the same shiv he’d taken a walk with the previous night.

  Still, he had questions, and he deserved answers. “Why go to the effort of wearing full shoka?”

  Kassimeigh’s face remained placid. “It’s not an effort for me. I prefer it. I don’t like making small talk with people I don’t know. Everyone has questions for a justice. Full shoka keeps me anonymous and saves me from having to engage with people beyond my duties.”

  “That makes sense, I guess. But . . .” Will fumbled for words to avoid insult. “Why do you look . . . thinner?”

  A small smile transformed her face. Will noticed the others relaxing in response to the change.

  “I usually wear leather armor under my shoka. It gives me protection without obscuring the fact that I’m a shiv. It also happens to give me a little extra bulk, and I don’t mind that it makes me less . . .” She tapped a finger against her lips as she searched for the right word. “Identifiable.”

  “As a woman, you mean.”

  “Yes.”

  “There aren’t many female shivs, are there?”

  “No, not too many women choose that life.”

  “So that’s another reason your appearance would draw attention.”

  “Yes.”

  “How old are you?” he asked. “You look young for a justice.”

  “Twenty-five. I dedicated to the keep when I was quite young.”

  She must have been practically a child, Will thought. But his brain had caught up with his tongue. Now recovered from the initial surprise, he felt chagrin for his barrage of questions. She was a shiv and he shouldn’t have asked for personal details. He hoped he hadn’t offended her.

  She still wore a hint of a smile, though, so perhaps he was safe.

  When Will fell silent, Kassimeigh looked to the others. “Anyone else?” It was better if they cleared the air now. There was no changing what had happened, and they had to move forward.

  Izzy said nothing. Arc was occupied with strapping the tents into the carts, but his easy movements suggested he was comfortable with the status quo.

  She would have liked some time to observe him while she considered what had transpired between them, but she didn’t have the luxury. She had expected Luc t
o bark questions at her, but he remained silent.

  No one said anything. “Good. We should get moving.”

  “One thing,” Luc interjected.

  “Yes?” She kept her features tranquil in spite of her unease.

  “Now that you have an identity, you must also have a name.”

  “Ah. Of course.” Her shoulders relaxed. “I’m Kassimeigh, of the Northern Keep.” She lifted one shoulder in a self-deprecating half-shrug. “Nice to meet you.”

  Arc knew the others shared his sense of relief at leaving the campsite. They rode in silence, processing the attack and Kassimeigh’s reveal. Her gender had been a surprise. But even though female shivs were unusual, Arc was sure the rest of them had all encountered one at some point. Well, obviously Izzy Gin had. But Luc and Will surely had as well.

  No, it wasn’t the gender thing so much as it was the sudden change from the shiv’s relative anonymity to Kassimeigh’s vibrant identity that required mental adjustment. Their group, though not materially changed in any way, felt as if it had shifted in its composition.

  The terrain remained uninspiring even though it shifted from broad, flat expanses to peaks that rolled down into plateaus. The variability of the land in Apex perplexed him. It was always barren, and rocky, and ugly, but sometimes it was mostly flat and sometimes large rock formations loomed up, slowing their progress, and requiring them to navigate around to maintain their heading. At least Sub-Apex had been uniformly flat.

  They stopped briefly to re-energize the power cells and attend to personal needs. Arc checked the carts, as he always did during these stops. He examined the tires and the axles, ensuring they stayed in good working order. While he checked the second cart over, Kassimeigh maneuvered around it and stopped in front of Luc, who had just recharged the power cell.

  “Do you think we’re nearing the source of the mana?” she asked.

  The manahi was quiet for a moment, then answered without looking at her. “We’re getting close, but I can’t be more specific.” He seemed to consider saying something further but shook his head and closed the power cell compartment. Kassimeigh stepped away and reclaimed her cart seat.

  Arc watched her go. He wondered when he’d find some time to talk to her. He was patient by nature, usually trusting events to unfold at their own right time. But the events of the previous night were impossible to ignore and he didn’t know how long he could wait for some answers.

  Izzy returned from a moment of privacy and caught Will looking at Kassimeigh. “Pretty, isn’t she?” the reader remarked casually as she passed him.

  He scowled for just a moment before adjusting his face into polite neutrality. “Yes, she is.”

  Izzy flashed him a grin before sauntering back toward the cart she occupied with Arc and Kassimeigh. She noted with amusement that Will still had not offered to ride in a cart with her. Maybe she should hop into the cart with him and Luc before they took off, just for fun. She was sure it would add a little entertainment value to the mind-numbing boredom of driving in a cart across Apex. But then she wouldn’t be available for Kassimeigh, and Izzy had a feeling her friend might need her.

  “How are you doing?” she asked Kassimeigh, who had taken the back seat of the cart. Instead of taking the front seat, she slid into the back next to Kassimeigh.

  “I have no lingering effects from my wound. It’s rough travel but at least Luc is sure about the direction.”

  “I meant how are you doing without your disguise?” To her disappointment, Izzy failed to provoke an emotional outburst. Kassimeigh remained serene. Izzy was certain that if Kassimeigh didn’t release some emotional pressure soon, she’d begin to suffer for it. Izzy had sensed her friend’s great upheaval the night before, and the smaller aftershocks earlier this morning. She knew that Kassimeigh had been willing to die the night before rather than accept help, and Izzy had no idea why.

  “Full shoka is not a disguise. It’s the epitome identity for a shiv.”

  She turned sideways to look directly at Kassimeigh. “Ah, but it’s an embodiment of an institution, not a personal identity. Without your hood, you’re left with being your own self. That’s a big change for you.”

  Kassimeigh tilted her head to one side, considering. “You’re right. It’s easier to recognize logic than live it.”

  “Meaning?”

  “I know I shouldn’t feel exposed, but I do.” She lifted her chin. “I’ll work it out.”

  Izzy skimmed her fingers through her blue tresses. “I know you will. But how do you feel about the events that led up to your exposure?”

  “I accept this is how things had to happen. There’s no point in feeling differently.”

  “When did I ever say emotions had to have a point?”

  Kassimeigh shook her head. “No need to worry about me, Counselor. I’ll work this through.”

  Izzy shook her head right back. “You and I both know you needed help last night, and you didn’t seek it. That’s not logical. For you to behave illogically, there’s some powerful force at work. This is not something you can simply meditate away. I’m worried about you.”

  Izzy sensed a brief spike of fear from the shiv, though she showed no outward sign of the sensation.

  “You’re right. I’ll handle it. Thank you for your concern.”

  “Just doing my job, Justice. Don’t forget it’s why I’m here, what I’m good at, and what I love. And it’s really awesome when I can do it all in the service of a friend.”

  She pointed a finger at Kassimeigh. “Don’t try to cheat me out of that.” Izzy chewed the inside of her lip thoughtfully. “If there were some social miscreant running around here bent on dirty work, I wouldn’t dream of getting in your way and keeping you from lopping off his head or something.”

  “If I begin to have feelings of inadequacy or a sudden fear of heights, you’ll be the first person I tell.”

  Izzy snorted, but let the matter rest. Even good friends could only push so far. Besides, Arc was approaching. Maybe later, she could try again.

  “What, no one wants to sit with me?” Arc opened the driver’s side door and settled behind the wheel.

  “No. We heard you have cooties,” Izzy teased.

  Arc laughed. “Who told you that?”

  “Luc.”

  “You know, I’d almost believe that.” He grinned, then started the cart up and waited for Luc’s signal from the other cart.

  Izzy really liked Arc. She also liked the thing she thought she sensed between Kassimeigh and Arc.

  As the day’s light began to fade, Kassimeigh noticed Izzy’s head suddenly tilt to one side. The reader leaned forward, scanning the land ahead of them. Kassimeigh squinted into the distance, but didn’t see anything. She directed a mental question mark toward Izzy.

  Izzy rubbed a hand against her cheek. “I’m sensing minds in the distance, but they’re muted. I can’t get a direction or an impression of who they are or what they’re about. It’s vague, but there’s definitely something out there.”

  Kassimeigh looked to Arc, who was already waving to the other cart.

  “Izzy’s sensing something and we’re in an indefensible position,” Arc called to Luc and Will when the carts pulled abreast of one another. “This is not good.”

  Izzy repeated what she’d said and Luc frowned.

  “I can sense a mana signature but can’t pinpoint it. Izzy Gin senses minds but nothing more. We need to establish a camp where we can defend ourselves if we must.”

  “Those tall rock outcroppings to the west might prove useful.” Will pointed. “We need to find one that can conceal us and allow us to create a home base. From there, we can investigate outward in a methodical fashion. Or fight, if it comes to that.”

  Kassimeigh nodded in agreement. They had few options, e
xposed as they were, so the rocks were their best choice at the moment.

  The rest of the day had them scrambling to gain the outcroppings and find a suitable fortification. As the last ribbons of light faded from the darkening sky, they found a place to call home. Or camp. Or a damn cruddy place they didn’t want to be, but still their best option at the moment. At least, that was how Izzy characterized it.

  Both carts climbed up the moderately steep slope and circled around to the almost mountainous backside of the outcropping. Kassimeigh studied their vantage point, which gave them the high ground. An excellent view stretched below, while the stone provided concealment for them. Within a recess between the massive boulders, a narrow opening created a roofless shelter, although the slanting slope of the rock narrowed their view of the starry sky. Kassimeigh didn’t mind the trade-off. The recess provided them a better shelter than they could have hoped.

  Kassimeigh appreciated the benefits of traveling with a manahi as she watched Luc “encourage” the rocks to shift into a curved wall that now concealed the recess from a casual view of the outcropping. They now had a nice little stone fort.

  “There we are.” Luc nodded in satisfaction. “I think that will serve us nicely.”

  Kassimeigh was impressed. Not many manahi had enough ability to perform such a feat. But then, few threw balls of flame, either. She mentally thanked Magistrate Trewe for selecting such a talented manahi to travel with them.

  Kassimeigh helped Arc prepare a cold dinner, since they didn’t want smoke to indicate their location to anyone who might be looking. They didn’t bother with tents, either, given the close quarters of their shelter. Instead, they all dropped their bedrolls next to a small fire ring, which Will prepared with exothermic tinder to give them warmth.