Memories of You

by Austin Bates

  “I have to see, Luke! I have to go see my baby.” Hunter felt tears welling in his eyes. He didn’t care if he couldn’t walk. He would crawl if he had to. Nothing was going to keep him away.

  “Then just sit tight, okay?” said Luke. “You’ll see him, I swear, just sit tight and let me find a nurse. Just promise me you’re not going to get out of this bed.”

  Hunter frowned and looked away. He didn’t want to make that promise. His eyes flicked towards Luke’s face and for a moment his heart went still.

  The look on Luke’s face was one of fear. Fear that Hunter would hurt himself even more. Fear of loss. He hadn’t stopped to consider the pain, fear, and worry that must have been coursing through Luke in that moment.

  Hunter clenched his fists, forcing himself to calm down. If Luke said the baby was okay, then he could take a moment to figure out a safe way to go see him. He just needed to force himself to try and remember he wasn’t the only parent in this scenario. He wasn’t the only one in emotional distress.

  “Okay, Luke, I promise.” Hunter looked up at him and touched his arm. He forced a smile to try and reassure him.

  “I’ll be right back,” said Luke. He pressed a kiss to Hunter’s forehead then turned and left the room.

  HUNTER SILENTLY WILLED the elevator to go faster. He sat in a wheelchair and gripped the arms tightly. Luke was pushing him and Melinda was flanking them.

  When they reached the NICU, a nurse regretfully informed them that only parents would be allowed into the hospital room. All other family would have to wait until the baby was stronger.

  “Don’t worry about me,” Melinda reassured them. “I’ve got a good book. I’ll go back to Hunter’s room.”

  It was still clear in her eyes, however, that she was disappointed that she wouldn’t be able to see her grandson.

  Luke wheeled Hunter into the baby’s room.

  As they approached the isolette, Hunter felt his heart begin to pound. The tiny little pink body lay quietly inside the plastic enclosure. His tiny chest rose and fell with each breath the ventilator fed him. Monitors beeped and hummed and yet, despite that, the room was quiet.

  Hunter was entranced and afraid. This baby, his son, held his attention like nothing he could remember. He had never felt such powerful emotions towards anything. Was this parental love? The knowledge you would do anything and everything for that child? The hope that they would grow up strong and healthy? And the wonder as to all of the possibilities that lay ahead of them?

  If that was love then Hunter knew in that moment he felt it for that baby.

  HUNTER WAS CHECKED out of the hospital the next day and sent home with instructions to rest until his stomach had a chance to heal. All he wanted to do, however, was wait at the hospital with the baby. He couldn’t think of anything else. Eating, sleeping, showering, the only thing in his head was his child and the fact that he couldn’t be by his side right now.

  “If it’ll make you happy, I’ll drive you to the hospital in the morning,” said Luke. “I can’t stay, I’ve got to finish a few paintings for Allen, but I can come back for you later on.”

  “You’re not going to try and force me to rest?” asked Hunter.

  They were sitting at Hunter’s kitchen table eating dinner. Or at least, Luke was eating. Hunter was shoving food around his plate forlornly.

  “You’re just going to go crazy if I try to force you to do that,” said Luke. “You seem to be getting around the house okay, and as long as you promise to be careful, sitting beside the baby shouldn’t be too hard on you.”

  Hunter smiled but said nothing as he experimentally tried a bite of food. It felt dry and unappetizing, but he was certain that was just because of his lack of appetite and not because of Luke’s cooking.

  “The nurse asked me if we’ve thought of a name yet,” said Luke. “She had some paperwork we needed to fill out and sign. I told her we were still figuring it out, but we’re going to have to get that done before too long.”

  “I...” Hunter’s voice trailed off. He hadn’t thought about names. He’d always fully intended to let Luke name the baby when it was born. He didn’t have the slightest idea what might even be considered a good name. And what if the baby didn’t survive?

  “I had always thought of naming the baby Mason if it was a boy.”

  Hunter looked up at him. “Mason Morrison? Doesn’t that sound a little...I dunno...the alliteration is nice, but...”

  “You want to give him my last name?” asked Luke.

  “Well, yeah?” said Hunter slowly. He’d never imagined the baby with anything other than Luke’s last name. “I mean, I don’t know...”

  “What about Mark?” Luke asked, moving on without questioning Hunter any further.

  Hunter turned the name over in his head. Mark Morrison. It wasn’t a bad name.

  “I’m going to take your silence to mean you don’t like it,” said Luke.

  “No, no,” said Hunter. “I like it. It’s a good name.”

  Luke smiled. “Good, we can get the paperwork filled out tomorrow then. Make him all official and everything.”

  Hunter smiled at Luke’s excitement. Somehow, knowing they’d picked out a name had served to make things even more real. They were parents now.

  THEY FINISHED THE PAPERWORK at the nurse’s station the next morning. Hunter’s stitches ached, but the painkillers he’d been given were keeping it from being unbearable. He knew once he sat down that his discomfort would be improved. He just needed to make it to Mark’s room.

  Once inside, the familiar sense of quiet reverence settled over him.

  Luke stayed with him just long enough to make sure Hunter was settled in the chair by the isolette. Then he peeked over at Baby Mark, blew him a kiss, kissed Hunter, and left the room.

  Hunter was alone once more. Only the sound of the machines kept the silence at bay.

  Lying there sleeping, barely moving, was his son.

  At first, Hunter worried he would be bored. He hadn’t brought anything to do, but as he sat and stared at Mark, time began to slip away. Before he realized it, hours had slipped by.

  “We’re going to have to ask you to step outside for a moment, Mr. Kilder,” a nurse said to him as she entered the room wearing a hospital gown and a surgical mask.

  “What’s wrong?” Panic flooded Hunter.

  “Nothing, nothing at all,” the nurse reassured him. “The doctor is going to do a routine examination and update your baby’s chart. We might take a little blood, but that’s it. There’s nothing to worry about.”

  Hunter nodded slowly as he dragged himself out of his chair. His stitches ached, but he pushed through it. He left the hospital room and hovered out in the hallway. A few minutes later a parade of freshly scrubbed doctors and nurses filed into Mark’s room and shut the door. Worry prickled across his skin. If his C-section scar wasn’t so fresh, he might have even been pacing the hall. The world moved around him, oblivious to his worry.

  “You must be the new neighbors,” a voice startled him from behind.

  Hunter turned slowly to face a friendly looking man.

  “I’m Rupert,” the man said, extending his hand to Hunter.

  “O-oh, Hunter,” he said, somewhat uncertainly.

  “My partner and I are in the room next door with our daughter,” said Rupert, “I was going to go get some lunch, but I saw you standing out here looking lost and thought I’d say hello.”

  “Th-thanks,” said Hunter. He really just wanted to be left alone right now. He wanted to go back into Mark’s room as soon as the doctors were done.

  “Listen,” said Rupert. “You don’t have to tell me anything. It’s really none of my business, but my partner and I have been here for a while. You need to lean on others for support. Especially others that know what you’re going through.”

  “I appreciate the offer,” said Hunter. He knew Rupert was just trying to be nice, but right now he just wanted to ignore him.

  “Hav
e you eaten today?”

  “I had breakfast,” said Hunter rather abruptly.

  “Okay, yeah, that’s good. But it’s already one. You should probably get some lunch too.”

  Hunter frowned and glanced at a clock hanging on the wall. It was actually about a quarter to one, but more time had passed than he’d realized.

  “I know, it’s easy to get caught up in watching them sleep. When our daughter was first admitted to the NICU my partner and I both struggled to remember when to eat. Thankfully, there was a kind couple who took us under their wing and kind of helped us get into a routine,” explained Rupert. “I’d like to do the same for you and your significant other, of course if they’re around.”

  “H-he’s working right now,” said Hunter.

  “Yeah, that’s the other side of the coin,” sighed Rupert. “It can be really hard to coordinate work and schedules. My job was pretty understanding for a while, but after the first couple of weeks I had to start coming in again or risk my position. But why don’t we go grab some lunch and we can talk while we eat?”

  “I appreciate the offer, but I need to be here...” Hunter’s voice trailed off as he looked back towards the closed door.

  “They’re going to be in there for a while,” said Rupert. “But your baby is under constant supervision. Nothing’s going to happen to him while you’re refilling your fuel tank. One of the most important things to remember is to take care of yourself. If you don’t then you’re going to get sick and there’s no way they’re letting you anywhere near your baby if you’re sick. So staying healthy needs to be your number one goal.”

  Hunter felt his heart sink a little, but he knew in the back of his mind that Rupert was right.

  “Okay, let’s go have lunch.”

  RUPERT TOOK HUNTER to the cafeteria. It was much more expansive and well portioned than he’d expected a hospital cafeteria to be. There were so many selections it was almost mind boggling.

  “I don’t eat here every day,” explained Rupert as they looked for a table. “Even if you’ve got a good salary, it’s going to get expensive after a while. You might want to talk to your SO about packing lunches. You can’t eat them in the rooms, but you can bring them along as long as you take them somewhere else to eat them.”

  They grabbed one near a window with sunshine spilling across the surface.

  Rupert held out his hands in the sun’s rays and sighed. “Those rooms are kept dark because the babies are super sensitive to light. I like to try and soak up as much sun as I can between visits. It’s important to make sure you’re getting your vitamin D. Humans aren’t mushrooms after all.” He chuckled to himself.

  Hunter picked at his sandwich momentarily before biting into it. He hadn’t realized how hungry he was until now.

  “So, what’s your story then?” asked Rupert, casually eating a few French fries. He clearly wasn’t in much of a hurry to get back.

  Hunter swallowed hard. “I fell,” he said. “The fall apparently jostled the baby and sent me into preterm labor. They had to perform an emergency C-section.”

  “That’s rough,” said Rupert. “Still, I only saw your baby admitted yesterday. You’re up walking around this soon?”

  “I needed to see him,” said Hunter with a shrug. “What about you?”

  “Tim, my partner, got an infection. They were trying to treat him with antibiotics, but it wasn’t going away. It was getting really bad, and eventually they were forced to perform a C-section to rescue Mary, our daughter. After she was safe, they were able to use some better drugs on Tim and he recovered pretty rapidly. It’s been a long road, but we’re almost in the home stretch now. They’ve said if Mary continues to improve at this rate she’ll be able to go home in the next week or two.”

  Hunter frowned. “How long have you been here?”

  “She was about eight weeks premature,” said Rupert. “Because of the infection and a few other bumps along the way, we’ve had to stay a bit longer. It’ll be ten weeks as of tomorrow though.”

  “Ten...” Hunter swallowed. He hadn’t realized it would be quite so long.

  “I guess no one explained it to you then.” Rupert shook his head. “Your baby has developmental milestones. If everything progresses normally then your baby is ready to go by roughly 40 weeks, right? Anything within a month of that then the baby is usually okay and considered full-term as far as development. Once you start going back further than that, you start running into problems.”

  “The doctor said Mark was a micro-preemie,” said Hunter with worry. “I was only twenty-four weeks. So I guess he was sixteen weeks early.”

  “That’s rough.” Rupert shook his head. “You’re going to be here for at least that long then unless the doctor says otherwise. It may be longer depending on the situation.”

  “But don’t worry too much,” said Rupert, patting Hunter’s shoulder. “Tim and I will look out for you guys. I’ll introduce you to him when he comes by later.”

  “Thanks,” said Hunter trying to force a smile. “I feel like we’re going to need all the support we can get.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Over the next several weeks, Hunter spent every waking moment in the NICU. His entire life revolved around Mark and his progress.

  As much as Luke wanted to join him, he couldn’t. There was one factor that continually weighed down on him. Something Hunter hadn’t even begun to consider. The cost of little baby Mark’s long term care. Neither of them had insurance.

  It had been an issue they had been working on for a while. Luke had never gotten around to getting insurance. He’d never needed it for himself, and Hunter had always been provided for through his job at the law firm. After losing his job, however, Hunter lost his insurance as well.

  Even though Hunter was working for Allen, he was technically a self-employed art dealer. Which meant no one was going to provide insurance for him.

  Trying to find an insurance company had proven more difficult than either of them had expected. No one was particularly interested in insuring a man that was already pregnant. That was a guaranteed hospital bill they’d be forced to cover before getting much money into their pockets.

  Luke had been covering all of Hunter’s doctor’s visits out of pocket thus far, but the upcoming expenses for the ambulance ride, the emergency procedure, and now the NICU stay were going to far exceed the amount that either of them had in savings.

  They were also still paying mortgages and bills on both lofts, and Luke had a car payment on top of that. There were a lot of expenses and he’d fallen behind on his paintings over the last few weeks.

  As he feverishly applied brush to canvas, Luke tried to think of other ways to raise capital and reduce their expenses. One thought came to mind. It was the last thing he wanted to do, but it would probably raise enough money to at least help with the hospital bills. In the end, it felt like he had no other choice.

  THAT EVENING THEY WERE meeting Rupert and Tim for dinner. The other two had insisted on treating them to a good time to keep their spirits up. Their daughter, Mary, had been home for a couple of weeks now and was doing so well that they’d been able to leave her with Rupert’s mom for the evening.

  On the ride over to the restaurant, Luke broached the subject.

  “I’m going to sell the house,” he said, keeping his eyes firmly fixed on the road ahead of him. “It’s almost complete. I already chatted with a realtor I know. He thinks it’s a lot more appealing now, and he believes he could find a buyer for a substantial amount.”

  “W-why?” Hunter stammered and stared at him.

  Luke forced himself to keep looking forward. “We never found insurance, which means the hospital bills are going to come out of our pockets. Even if I sold every painting I currently have in the gallery, I don’t think I’d make enough to cover it. Everything we’ve got in our savings accounts probably won’t even come close. Selling the house nets us the largest amount of money and should put a huge dent in the b
ill if not cover it altogether.”

  Hunter was silent as they drove for several more blocks. “No,” he said at last. “You can’t sell the house.”

  “Hunter...”

  “Sell my loft instead.”

  Hunter’s words took Luke’s breath away for a moment. As they rolled up to a stop light, he chanced a glance towards Hunter. They locked eyes, and it was clear Hunter was serious in his proposal.

  “Does that mean...?” Luke’s voice trailed off.

  “I’ll move in with you until the house is done. Then we can move in there together. All three of us.” Hunter looked back out the windshield. “The light’s green.”

  Luke directed his attention back to the road and scrambled to try and arrange his thoughts. It had been clear that Hunter had bonded with Mark. Luke had begun to suspect the original plan was no longer going to take place, but he’d been waiting to hear it directly from Hunter’s lips.

  “My apartment should be worth a pretty significant sum,” continued Hunter. “Definitely more than a corner lot in the industrial zone. We can probably sell off a lot of our extra furniture too. We’re not going to need two queen-sized beds after all.”

  Hunter was silent for a long moment.

  “What changed your mind?” asked Luke at last.

  “It was something Rupert said the other day at lunch,” explained Hunter. “He said he thought we were doing well. That some families aren’t able to handle the stress of a child in the NICU. I didn’t really hear the rest of what he was saying though because that one word stood out to me. ‘Family.’”

  As they pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant, Hunter continued, “I realized then that you...you’re my family Luke. You and Mark are my family. I can’t imagine my life without either of you anymore. I want and need you both in my life. I don’t want to lose that.”