Love Me to Death

by Sharlay

  She said her. I close my eyes and bury my head in her stomach and just breathe her in. She strokes the back of my head and my tears fall unapologetically onto her.

  “One day you’ll thank me for this decision. I promise.”

  I nod because I cannot speak anymore. I cannot do what she is asking me to do. She is asking me to choose a life where she doesn’t exist. I can never thank her for that decision.

  I need some air.

  I lift my head and without saying a word, I leave the room. I know I shouldn’t walk away. I know that I should go back but right now I can’t even look at her. I need to release the anger that I have inside of me and I know exactly how to do that …

  I pull up outside of Layla’s house and storm out of the car. I stalk toward the front door and bang on it more times than I can count. It barely registers that I may wake up Sophie or Alex. I came here for one thing and right now that’s all that matters.

  Jamie swings the door open with a perplexed look on his face.

  “Brennan, what the hell man?”

  “Is he still here?” I growl already stepping inside.

  “What? Who?”

  “My father? Is. He. Still. Here?” Jamie’s eyes bulge when he realizes exactly what’s about to happen.

  “Bren, whatever is going on this is not the time or place. You need to calm—”

  “Just answer the damn question!”

  I see Layla run around the corner and in the distance I can hear Alex crying. I want to feel guilty but right now I’m only thinking about me. My every action is selfish but I don’t care.

  “Brennan, what are you doing?” Layla asks in concern.

  “Where is he, Layla?”

  “I’m right here.” The voice causes all of us to swing our heads and my eyes fall on my father’s withered face. As soon as I see him my anger multiplies to a level I can’t even measure. I stalk over to him. He doesn’t look frightened and his stance doesn’t waver. I grab the collar of his white shirt and I slam his back against the wall. Then I shake him violently.

  “Is this what you wanted?” I scream in his face. “Is this it? Does this make you happy?” I growl.

  “Brennan!” Layla screams from behind me.

  “Is it? Answer the damn question!” I shout. “This is exactly what you’ve always wanted, right?!” I taste the salty flavor on my lips but refuse to let go of him to wipe my eyes. “Six years you’ve spent breaking me down. Beating me down over and over again! Are you happy now! Now I’ve lost control of everything. Does it make you happy to see me as miserable as you are! Does it make you feel good to know that I’m about to lose everything I’ve ever loved? Does it make you feel like a man again?”

  “Brennan, what the hell has gotten into you? Stop it!” Layla screams as if she has no idea who I am. I know that if this was happening a few weeks ago she would have stood in the middle of this and broke it up but she’s still recovering from the accident. I can’t allow my mind to dwell on that thought any longer.

  “Leave,” my father says firmly. “This is between me and my son.”

  “Dad, something’s not right. Look at him. I don’t think you two should—”

  “Layla. Leave. Now,” he repeats.

  I hear Jamie whisper something to her and then their presence disappears from the room.

  “You going to let go of me?” he asks once they have gone.

  “I hate you,” I growl. I look into his emotionless eyes and they remind me of everything I’ve needed over the years. When I lost my mom and needed him to tell me that everything was going to be ok. The times where I needed to know how to be a real man. He stole all of it from me. “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!” I shake him again and again. “It should have been you, not her! At least she would have been here for me! She wouldn’t have left me alone!”

  “Let it all out,” he says quietly.

  “I hate you,” I say barely above a whisper as my knees go slightly weak.

  “I know,” he whispers quietly. “This about that girl? The one that was at the hospital?”

  I grip him tighter. “Don’t ever speak about her. You’re not worthy enough to even mention her name.”

  “She told me you know, about the deal you two had. The day after I gave you that shiner she told me everything the next morning before you came. I know she’s dying, Son.”

  I feel my head start spinning. “Why would she tell you that? She wouldn’t tell you anything?” I growl.

  “But she did. And I’m glad. I needed to hear it.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I loved your mother, Brennan.”

  I laugh at his comment. I step back as if his words just slapped me in the face. I can’t hear this right now.

  “I know you don’t believe me but I did. I still do.”

  “You don’t love her; you’ve done nothing but make her out to be a monster since the day she died. You made every memory feel sick and twisted. You made it wrong to just think about her.”

  “I know. You’re right. I was angry.” His head leans against the wall and he closes his eyes. I can barely stand to look at him.

  “I was angry but I never behaved like you.”

  “You’re acting like me now, Son.”

  I shake my head angrily. “I am nothing like you. I would be ashamed to be anything like you.”

  “I am ashamed. She took everything from me.” He breathes for a moment and then I see a single tear fall down his cheek. I am frozen because I have never seen my dad cry, not even when my mom died … he was just numb. “The day she died she took my heart and I was so mad at her. When I read her letter I was so angry. She spent her last moments drafting a letter telling us all how to live when she was gone and I was so mad. I wanted her to spend those moments fighting to live. I wanted her to live not die. Not leave me alone. Not leave you guys alone. I was the man that I was because of her. When she died, she stole my identity. She took everything.” He whispers the last part. “I wanted to punish her. I needed to know that she was suffering just like me but I couldn’t because she wasn’t around.”

  The realization hits me like a bullet.

  “So you made me suffer.”

  He nods. “You reminded me of her so much. Her eyes, her hair even her sense of humor. So much of her lived on through you. You had her passion and her drive. You weren’t afraid to take risks or make mistakes and I admired that. That’s what I loved about her. At first, I thought I could steal bits of her through you. But the more you reminded me of her, the more I resented you for not being her. The little glimpses you gave me were never enough and every day I just got madder and madder. Just looking at you was ripping my chest apart and I was furious. I needed to hurt someone. I guess the saying is right … hurt people hurt people.”

  I hate that tears are falling down my cheeks in front of him. I have done everything in my power to hide this side of me from my father. Every time he hurt me and put me down I just walked away with a brave face. I never let him see me cry.

  “Everything you did to me. Everything you put me through was because you were mad at her,” I breathe.

  He nods. I look into his eyes and even though I can see the remorse all I can see is my own hatred reflected. I can see every evil word he’s ever used as a weapon against me. I guess the power of life and death really is in the tongue because with every word he used against me, he killed me a little bit more.

  I see every time he has kicked me, hit me or spat at me. The times when he locked me outside the house and let me sleep on the porch. I can see all the times he would reward Layla and not me, just to see how much he could break me. The six years that he has left me alone. I see all of this and then it meshes into one big ball of anger and I launch at him. I grab him by the collar again and I shake him against the wall and he lets me. I watch as he moves back and forth like a rag doll.

  “How could you do that?” I scream in his face. “How could you do that to me? I was still yo
ur son! I was your son! I lost her too and it hurt like hell! It ripped me apart and instead of telling me that everything would be ok you made me think I was nothing! You made me think that sleeping with different women night after night was the answer because who the hell could love me, right? Why commit when you’re unlovable? Because I was a worthless little prick! That’s what you told me every single day! I lost her too. Didn’t you stop to think about that? I lost her and it nearly killed me but I still loved you! The more you broke me down the more I loved you and you just kept beating and beating away!” I don’t even remember the moment that I fall to my knees before him but I know that my hands are hanging limply from his collar. “I just needed you to be my dad, damn it. I needed my dad,” I whisper on my knees.

  He falls down in front of me and when I look up into his face I want to hate him so much but I realize in that moment that the reason I am so mad is because I still love him. All of these years no matter what he has done, I’ve still loved him. I’ve hung on to the memories of how it used to be. He pulls me into his arms and I don’t resist. I feel like a lifeless rag doll and I need this more than I realize especially right now.

  “I am so sorry, Son. I am so sorry. I don’t want you to be like me. You are ten times the man I’ll ever be and I am so proud of you.” His words make my mind spin in confusion. “I don’t want you to let what’s happening in your life right now turn you into me. You’re so much better than that. No matter what happens you can do this,” he whispers. “I love you.” My body trembles at his words and then I pull away. I scramble to my feet and I look down at him. He looks a mess and I’m pretty sure that I don’t look much better.

  He stares up at me with pleading eyes but I turn and run away. I keep running until I reach the front door. I don’t even close it behind me.

  “Brennan, wait!” I hear the sound of Layla’s voice behind me but I can’t even look at her right now. My hands tremble as I struggle to open the car door. When I get in I push the key into the ignition with shaky hands and then I drive away. I never look back. I stop myself from thinking about everything that just happened. I try to erase every word that was just said from my memory because right now I can’t deal with it.

  I drive for what feels like hours in a blind daze. I finally come to a stop outside of the hospital. My eyes travel up to the top of the building as I wonder what mine and Ned’s fate will be. Ten minutes later I find myself making my way up to the floor Ned is being kept on.

  When I start walking toward Ned’s room a nurse tries to stop me but I see the receptionist from earlier and she nods her head as if to signify that it is ok to let me in. I don’t thank her. I don’t have the strength. Instead, I just walk silently to the private room Ned is in.

  “Cole?” she whispers as she sees me walk through the door. Her eyes look concerned as she stares at my face. She tries to sit up and examine me but I shake my head at her. She lies back down and I round the bed. I slip my shoes off and crawl in beside her.

  I quietly pull her back against my chest and I feel her physically relax. I wrap my arm around her waist pulling her even closer. I bury my head in the dip of her neck and close my eyes as I breathe her in. I feel my whole body start to relax as her fingers entwine with mine.

  We lie in silence for at least twenty minutes before I can talk. I love the way that she knows exactly what I need. She didn’t question me or get angry about my reaction earlier she just gave me time. “I’m sorry,” I whisper against her back.

  She shakes her head and squeezes my hand tighter. “It’s ok, I understand,” she says gently.

  “No, I was wrong. I love you, Ned and I love our baby and we will make this work. We’ll fight for this.” She nods but I know she has more to say.

  “I promise that I’ll fight with everything I have, Cole but if I lose the fight then I need you to promise me something.”

  I hate this conversation and so I don’t answer with words just a simple nod of the head.

  “I need you to promise that no matter what the outcome you will keep going. I need to know you will never waste a second of your life. I need to know that even without me you’ll still be the same person I fell in love with.”

  “Ned.”

  “Please, Cole. I don’t know how long I have left and I need to say this … for me.” I nod. She releases my hands and strokes her stomach. “It’s a girl … I can feel it. She’s going to need you, Cole. She needs you to teach her everything and that includes teaching her about me. I know it will hurt but I need you to tell her everything about me. A little girl uses her mother to help form her identity. Give her that. Let her know how much I love her.” I can hear her crying now and I hate it because I’m doing everything I can to hold my tears back but she is destroying me. “No guilt. Nothing is your fault. If anything, be happy because you gave me the best days of my life. I am so happy right now … with you. Don’t ever hesitate to forgive because when the chance is gone you’ll wish it back over and over again. And fall in love.”

  “I can’t do this,” I say trying to sit up. She holds my arm and stops me.

  “You can, baby because you and I can talk about anything. I want you to not be afraid of falling in love again, promise me you won’t ever let this stop you.”

  “Ned.”

  “Promise me, Cole. I need to hear you say it.”

  I close my eyes tight knowing I will never break a promise that I’ve made her. “I promise.”

  “Thank you.” She turns in my arms and faces me. The smile on her face almost breaks me apart.

  “I don’t want to lose you,” I whisper.

  “You won’t, I’ll be there every day. You can talk to me all the time, in here,” she says pressing her palm against my chest. “I’ll always be listening. I promise.” I pull her into my chest and let the tears fall freely. I’ve cried so much today that I feel like a crazy person. I’ve always been brought up by my father to believe that a man who cries is weak but that’s a lie. Allowing myself to be vulnerable in front of anyone is the hardest thing I have ever done and the fact that Ned allows me to do it free of shame makes me feel like the strongest man alive.

  “You’re speaking as if you won’t be around,” I whisper.

  “I might not be, we need to be prepared,” she says sadly.

  I look up into her eyes and gently wipe away the tears on her face with my hand. “Tonight, my dad told me he loved me for the first time in six years. After everything that has happened, I never even thought it was possible to hear those words again,” I tell her.

  “That’s amazing, Cole.” She smiles.

  “Exactly … I guess miracles are real,” I whisper. “I’m not giving up on you, Ned.”

  “I don’t want you to.”

  “I won’t. Not ever. Not in this life or the next. I will always find you.”

  “I will always be waiting.”

  2 Months Later

  The first thing I do when I see Ned’s name on my phone is smile.

  “Hello …”

  “Hey.” She’s chirpy.

  “Hey, beautiful. You ok?”

  “I’m great.” Today’s a good day. I smile. “I just wanted to hear your voice is all.”

  “It is a sexy voice,” I tease.

  “Your ego just refuses to shrink, doesn’t it?”

  “Babe, Freddy is a part of the family; he’s been with me since I was a kid. I can’t just get rid of him like that you know.”

  “You’ve given your ego a name?” I can hear the smile in her voice.

  “Yup.”

  “Please, God let this child have a higher percentage of my genes. Please.”

  I laugh at her words.

  “I love getting these calls from you on my break,” I say, looking up at the Maceys sign above the doors. I’m standing on the sidewalk just like I always do as soon as the clock strikes twelve.

  “I like calling you. How’s work going?”

  “It’s not bad. It won’t get busy unti
l after lunch. I seriously think that someone is trying to make me pay for the seven months I was out of work.”

  She laughs.

  “And,” I continue, “a new girl started today, her name’s Kay-Lee and let’s just say that Kay-Lee has a thing for me.”

  “Is this your ego speaking again?”

  “Noooo, this has nothing to do with my ego. My ego wants out where she is concerned. Seriously, babe she looks at me like I’m a steak fresh out of the oven.”

  “That’s how I look at you too.” She giggles.

  “Yes but it’s hot when you do it, it turns me on. Kay-zilla just gives me the creeps.” She bursts out laughing.

  “You don’t like the extra attention then?”

  “Hell no. Jerry and Terrence seem to find the whole thing hilarious but I’m sure some of what she says may actually be illegal.” She laughs again. I’ll never tire of that sound. “So, how are my two favorite people?”

  “We are good. We are craving chicken today. Lots of chicken.”

  “We or you?”

  “We. I honestly think she’s going to come out eating solid foods.”

  I laugh.

  “He probably will but can you blame him, he has a greedy mother.”

  “Cole, I told you we’re having a girl.”

  “And I told you that we’re having a boy.”

  “What do I get if you’re wrong?” she asks.

  “Firstly you can stop lifting your eyebrows at me.” Her laugh lets me know I am right. “Secondly, there isn’t a chance that I’m wrong. I channeled a male sperm into you babe, I know what I am talking about.”

  “Firstly you’re a moron because you didn’t even know you were getting me pregnant and secondly just shut up.”

  “Compelling argument.”

  “I couldn’t think of anything else, I have baby brain.”