Red Or Dead

by David Peace

  Ness came out of the kitchen. In her apron –

  You’re back early. Are you OK, love?

  Bill put down his bag in the hall. His kit bag. Bill took off his hat. Bill hung up his hat. Bill kissed Ness on her cheek. And Bill said, Yes, love. I’m fine. Thank you, love. But I thought I’d wash the car. And then I thought I’d make a start on the garden, love …

  Bill picked up his bag. His kit bag. Bill went up the stairs. Bill went into the bedroom. Bill took off his tie. His red tie. His Liverpool Football Club tie. Bill folded it up. Bill opened the second drawer of the dressing table. Bill put the tie in the drawer. The red tie. The Liverpool Football Club tie. Bill closed the drawer. Bill sat down on the edge of the bed. Bill unlaced his shoes. Bill took off his shoes. Bill picked up his shoes. Bill stood up. Bill walked over to the wardrobe. Bill opened the wardrobe doors. Bill placed his shoes in the bottom of the wardrobe. Bill walked back over to the bed. Bill took off his jacket. Bill laid it on top of the bed. Bill took off his trousers. Bill walked back over to the wardrobe. Bill took out a hanger from the wardrobe. Bill hung his trousers on the hanger. Bill carried the trousers on the hanger over to the bed. Bill picked up his jacket from the top of the bed. Bill hung his jacket on the hanger over his trousers. Bill walked back over to the wardrobe. Bill hung his suit in the wardrobe. Bill closed the wardrobe doors. Bill opened his bag. His kit bag. Bill took out his tracksuit bottoms. Bill put on his tracksuit bottoms. Bill took out his sweater. Bill put on his sweater. Bill closed his bag. His kit bag. Bill walked out of the bedroom. Bill walked back down the stairs. Bill opened the cupboard in the hall. Bill took out an old pair of boots from the bottom of the cupboard. Bill closed the cupboard door. Bill sat down on the bottom stair. Bill laced up his old pair of boots. Bill stood up. Bill walked down the hall. And Bill walked into the kitchen.

  Ness looked up from peeling the potatoes. And Ness smiled –

  The kettle’s just boiled, love. Would you like a cup of tea?

  Oh no. No thank you, love. I’ve too much to do. Much too much to do, love. I best get a move on. Best make a start …

  And Bill walked over to the sink. Bill bent down. Bill opened the cupboard under the sink. Bill took out the bucket from under the sink. The bucket and the cloths. Bill closed the cupboard doors. Bill put the bucket in the sink. Bill ran the cold tap. Bill filled the bucket. Bill carried the bucket and the cloths out of the kitchen. Down the hall, out of the house and into the drive. Bill put down the bucket on the concrete beside the car. Bill crouched down beside the bucket. Bill put the first cloth into the water in the bucket. Bill soaked the cloth in the water in the bucket. Bill took the cloth back out of the water. Bill held the cloth over the water in the bucket. Bill wrung out the cloth. Bill stood back up with the cloth in his hand. Bill turned to his car in the drive. Bill reached over the car. Bill began to wash the roof of the car. Back and forth across the roof of the car. Bill washed the dirt from the roof of the car. Back and forth, back and forth. From one side to the other. Back and forth, back and forth. From the front to the back. Bill washed the roof of the car. And then Bill crouched back down beside the bucket. Bill put the cloth back into the water in the bucket. Bill soaked the cloth in the water again. Bill wrung out the cloth again. Bill stood back up with the cloth in his hand. And Bill washed the windscreen of the car. Back and forth, back and forth. Bill washed the windscreen. And then Bill crouched back down beside the bucket. Bill put the cloth back into the water in the bucket. Bill soaked the cloth in the water again. Bill wrung out the cloth again. Bill stood back up with the cloth in his hand. And Bill washed the two windows on the near side of the car. Back and forth, back and forth. Bill washed the windows on the near side. And then Bill crouched back down beside the bucket. Bill put the cloth back into the water in the bucket. Bill soaked the cloth in the water again. Bill wrung out the cloth again. Bill stood back up with the cloth in his hand. Bill walked round to the back of the car. And Bill washed the back window of the car. Back and forth, back and forth. Bill washed the back window. And then Bill walked back round to the bucket. Bill crouched back down beside the bucket. Bill put the cloth back into the water in the bucket. Bill soaked the cloth in the water again. Bill wrung out the cloth again. Bill stood back up with the cloth in his hand. Bill walked round to the far side of the car. And Bill washed the two windows on the far side of the car. Back and forth, back and forth. Bill washed the windows on the far side. And then Bill walked back round to the bucket. Bill crouched back down beside the bucket again. Bill put the cloth back into the water in the bucket. Bill soaked the cloth in the water. Bill wrung out the cloth again. Bill put down the cloth. Bill picked up the bucket. Bill carried the bucket over to the drain. Bill tipped the dirty water down the drain. Bill carried the bucket back into the house, back down the hall and back into the kitchen. Bill put the bucket in the sink again. Bill ran the cold tap again. Bill filled the bucket again. Bill carried the bucket back out of the kitchen. Down the hall, out of the house and into the drive again. Bill put down the bucket on the concrete beside the car. Bill crouched down beside the bucket again. Bill picked up the cloth. Bill soaked the cloth in the water again. Bill wrung out the cloth again. And Bill washed the bonnet of the car. Back and forth, back and forth. Bill washed the bonnet. And then Bill crouched back down beside the bucket. Bill put the cloth back into the water in the bucket. Bill soaked the cloth in the water again. Bill wrung out the cloth again. Bill stood back up with the cloth in his hand. And Bill washed the doors on the near side of the car. Back and forth, back and forth. Bill washed the doors on the near side. And then Bill crouched back down beside the bucket. Bill put the cloth back into the water in the bucket. Bill soaked the cloth in the water again. Bill wrung out the cloth again. Bill stood back up with the cloth in his hand. Bill walked round to the back of the car again. And Bill washed the back of the car. Back and forth, back and forth. Bill washed the back of the car. And then Bill walked back round to the bucket. Bill crouched back down beside the bucket. Bill put the cloth back into the water in the bucket. Bill soaked the cloth in the water again. Bill wrung out the cloth again. Bill stood back up with the cloth in his hand. And Bill walked round to the far side of the car again. Bill washed the doors on the far side of the car. Back and forth, back and forth. Bill washed the doors on the far side. And then Bill walked back to the bucket. Bill crouched back down beside the bucket. Bill put the cloth back into the water in the bucket. Bill soaked the cloth in the water again. Bill wrung out the cloth again. Bill stood back up with the cloth in his hand. Bill walked round to the front of the car. Bill crouched down again. And Bill began to wash the grille on the front of the car. Back and forth, back and forth. Bill washed the grille. And then Bill went back to the bucket. Bill crouched back down beside the bucket. Bill put the cloth back into the water in the bucket. Bill soaked the cloth in the water again. Bill wrung out the cloth again. Bill stood back up with the cloth in his hand. And Bill went from wheel to wheel on the car. Bill washed the four hubcaps of the car. Round and round, round and round. Bill washed and wiped the four hubcaps. And then Bill walked back to the bucket. Bill crouched back down beside the bucket. Bill put the cloth back into the water in the bucket. Bill soaked the cloth in the water again. Bill wrung out the cloth again. Bill put down the cloth. Bill picked up the bucket. Bill carried the bucket over to the drain again. Bill tipped the dirty water down the drain again. Bill carried the bucket back into the house, back down the hall and back into the kitchen. Bill put the bucket in the sink again. Bill ran the cold tap again. Bill filled the bucket again. Bill carried the bucket back out of the kitchen. Down the hall, out of the house and into the drive again. Bill put down the bucket on the concrete beside the car again. Bill couched down beside the bucket again. Bill put the second cloth into the water in the bucket. Bill soaked the cloth in the water in the bucket. Bill took the cloth back out of the water. Bill held the cloth over the water in the bucket. Bill wrung out the cloth. Bill stood back up with th
e cloth in his hand. Bill turned to his car in the drive. Bill walked over to the front of the car. Bill crouched down by the front of the car. And Bill began to wash the lights on the front of the car. Round and round, up and down. Bill washed the lights on the front. And then Bill stood back up. Bill walked back over to the bucket. Bill crouched back down beside the bucket. Bill put the cloth back into the water in the bucket. Bill soaked the cloth in the water again. Bill wrung out the cloth again. Bill stood back up with the cloth in his hand. Bill walked round to the back of the car. Bill crouched down by the back of the car. And Bill began to wash the lights on the back of the car. Round and round, up and down. Bill washed the lights on the back. And then Bill stood back up. Bill walked back round to the bucket. Bill crouched back down beside the bucket. Bill put the cloth back into the water in the bucket. Bill soaked the cloth in the water again. Bill wrung out the cloth again. Bill stood back up with the cloth in his hand. And Bill walked over to the wing mirror on the near side of the car. Bill washed the wing mirror on the near side. And then Bill walked round to the wing mirror on the far side of the car. Bill washed the wing mirror on the far side. And then Bill walked back round to the bucket. Bill crouched back down beside the bucket. Bill put the cloth back into the water in the bucket. Bill soaked the cloth in the water again. Bill wrung out the cloth again. Bill stood back up with the cloth in his hand. And Bill walked around the car. In the sunshine, in the drive. Bill looked for any dirt he had missed, Bill searched for any spot he had missed. But in the sunshine, in the drive. The car shone, the car sparkled. And in the sunshine, in the drive. Bill looked at his watch. And then Bill picked up the bucket and the cloths. Bill walked back over to the drain. Bill poured the dirty water down the drain again. Bill went back into the house. Down the hall, into the kitchen. Bill put the bucket in the sink again. Bill rinsed out the bucket. Bill rinsed out the cloths. Bill opened the cupboard under the sink. Bill put the bucket and the cloths back in the cupboard. Bill closed the cupboard again. Bill stood up. And Bill saw Ness –

  How about a cup of tea now, asked Ness. A wee rest now? Before you go back out again, love?

  Oh no. No thank you, love. Not now. I want to get straight into the garden. And get started, love …

  And Bill walked over to the back door. Bill opened the back door. Bill stepped out into the garden. Their small back garden. Bill walked over to the shed. Their little garden shed. Bill opened the shed door. Bill picked up his gardening gloves from the shelf in the shed. Bill put on his gardening gloves. Bill picked up a big black bin bag. Bill walked over to one corner of the garden. With his gloves and with his bag. And Bill began to walk up and down the lawn. Their small back lawn. His head bent forward, staring down at the grass. Bill picked up every little stone he saw. Every little piece of grit and every little pebble. Bill pulled up every little weed he saw. Every little clover and every little dandelion. Bill put the little stones and the little weeds into his big black bin bag. Bill used the heel of his boot to tread down the ground. To fill in every little divot, to fill in every little hole. Up the garden and then down the garden. In a straight line. From one end of their small back garden to the other. Up and then down again. Four times, in four straight lines. Up and then down, up and then down again. Bill walked the length of their small back garden. Picking up stones, pulling up weeds. Filling in divots, filling in holes. And then Bill put down the big black bin bag on the flagstones beneath the kitchen window. Bill walked back over to the shed. Their little garden shed. Bill went back inside the shed. Bill picked up the lawn mower. The red Shanks manual lawn mower. Bill took out the lawn mower from the shed. Bill carried the lawn mower over to one corner of the garden. Bill put down the mower on the lawn. And Bill began to mow. Up the garden and then down the garden. In a straight line. From one end of their small back garden to the other. Up and then down again. Four times, in four straight lines. Up and then down, up and then down again. Bill mowed their small back lawn. And then Bill set down the mower on the flagstones beneath the kitchen window. Bill walked back over to the shed. Their little garden shed. Bill went back inside the shed. Bill picked up a rake. Bill took the rake from the shed. Bill carried the rake over to the corner of the garden. And Bill began to rake. Up the garden and then down the garden. In a straight line. From one end of their small back garden to the other. Up and then down again. Four times, in four straight lines. Up and then down, up and then down again. Bill raked their small back lawn. Until there were four small piles of loose cut grass. And then Bill walked back over to the flagstones beneath the kitchen window. Bill picked up the big black bin bag again. Bill carried the big black bin bag over to the first small pile of loose cut grass. Bill gathered up the first small pile of loose cut grass. Bill dropped the loose cut grass into the big black bin bag. Bill carried the big black bin bag over to the second small pile of loose cut grass. And to the third. And then to the fourth. Until Bill had gathered up all four small piles of loose cut grass. And dropped them into the big black bin bag. And then Bill carried the big black bin bag over to the corner of the garden. The corner of the lawn. And again Bill began to walk up and down the lawn. Their small back lawn. His head bent forward, staring down at the grass. Bill picked up every little piece of loose cut grass he saw. Every little blade, every little scrap. Bill put the little pieces of loose cut grass into his big black bin bag. Up the garden and then down the garden. In a straight line. From one end of their small back garden to the other. Up and then down again. Four times, in four straight lines. Up and then down, up and then down again. Bill walked the length of their small back garden. Picking up blades, picking up scraps. And then Bill put down the big black bin bag on the flagstones beneath the kitchen window. Bill walked back over to the shed. Their little garden shed. Bill went back inside the shed. Bill picked up a pair of shears. Garden shears. Bill carried the shears over to the first border of the lawn. And Bill began to trim the first border. And the second border. And the third. And then Bill trimmed the border between the flagstones and the lawn. And then Bill put down the shears on the flagstones beneath the kitchen window. Bill picked up the big black bin bag again. Bill carried the big black bin bag over to the first border. And Bill began to gather up the loose cut grass from the first border. Every blade and every scrap. And the fallen petals and the deadheads. Bill put them into the big black bin bag. And from the second border. The loose cut grass. The fallen petals and the deadheads. And then from the third. Until there was no more loose cut grass. No more petals and no more deadheads. And then Bill gathered up the loose cut grass from the last border. The border between the flagstones and the lawn. And then Bill put down the big black bin bag on the flagstones beneath the kitchen window. Bill walked back over to the shed. Their little garden shed. Bill went back inside the shed. Bill picked up a trowel. Bill picked up a bucket. Bill carried the trowel and the bucket over to the first border. And then Bill began to weed. On his lawn, on his knees. Bill weeded and Bill weeded. In the soil, on his knees. Between the flowers and between the plants. The first border. And the second border. And then the third. Bill pulled up weeds. Bill put the weeds into the bucket. Until there were no more weeds. And then Bill carried the bucket of weeds over to the flagstones beneath the kitchen window. Bill opened up the big black bin bag. Bill emptied the bucket of weeds into the big black bin bag. And then Bill cleaned the trowel. Bill cleaned the shears. Bill cleaned the rake. And the blades of the mower. Bill cleaned and Bill cleaned. On the flagstones, on his knees. And then Bill walked back over to the shed. Their little garden shed. Bill went back inside the shed. Bill picked up a broom. Bill carried the broom over to the flagstones beneath the kitchen window. And then Bill began to sweep the flagstones. To sweep up all the little blades of grass. All the little clumps of soil. Into a pile. And then Bill put down the broom. Bill gathered up the pile of grass. The pile of soil. Bill put the pile of grass, the pile of soil, into the big black bin bag. And then Bill picked up the broom again. Bill picked up the big black bin
bag. Bill carried the broom and the bin bag back over to the shed. Their little garden shed. Bill put down the bin bag. Bill went back inside the shed. And then Bill began to sweep. To sweep up all the dirt and all the dust in the shed. Into a pile. And then Bill leant the broom against the wall of the shed. Bill gathered up the pile of dirt. The pile of dust. Bill put the pile of dirt, the pile of dust, into the big black bin bag. And then Bill walked back over to the flagstones beneath the kitchen window. Bill picked up the lawn mower. Bill carried the mower back over to the shed. Bill put the mower back into the shed. Bill walked back over to the flagstones. Bill picked up the rake and the shears. Bill carried the rake and the shears back over to the shed. Bill put the rake and the shears back inside the shed. Bill walked back over to the flagstones. Bill picked up the trowel and the bucket. Bill carried the trowel and the bucket back over to the shed. Bill put the trowel and the bucket back inside the shed. And then Bill picked up the big black bin bag. Bill carried the big black bin bag back over to one corner of the garden. With his gloves and with his bag. Bill began to walk up and down the lawn again. Their small back lawn. His head bent forward, staring down at the grass. At the borders. Looking for any piece of loose cut grass he had missed. Any little stone or any little weed. A fallen petal or a deadhead. Up the garden and then down the garden. In a straight line. From one end of their small back garden to the other. Up and then down again. Four times, in four straight lines. Up and then down, up and then down again. Bill walked the length of their small back garden. And then Bill carried the big black bin bag back over to the shed. Bill tied up the top of the big black bin bag. Bill put the big black bin bag inside the shed. Bill took off his gloves. His gardening gloves. Bill put the gloves back on the shelf inside the shed. Their little garden shed. And Bill closed the shed door. In the sunshine, on the flagstones. Bill looked at the garden. Everything was neat, everything was tidy. And in the sunshine, on the flagstones. Bill looked at his watch again. It was half past four in the afternoon. Bill had washed the car. Bill had mowed the lawn. Bill had weeded the garden. And Bill had tidied up the shed. It was half past four in the afternoon. And there was nothing more to do. That was it,