Blank Space

by Francis Gideon

  Curtis grinned. If he didn't have Silas on his side, he didn't know how he'd get through working the way he did. Silas had learned a long time ago that if he explained project meetings as a big stage show—or like a concert—then the presentation aspect got a lot easier for Curtis to handle. People already know the lyrics, Silas had said, but they still like to sing along, right? All business meetings are the same. Except instead of lyrics, it's ad pitches and sales revenue. Boring words that have no real meaning, except for, you know, they're our jobs.

  "Yeah, I'll be right there," Curtis assured Silas. "Just give me a sec, okay?"

  Silas eyed Curtis up and down, curious smile on his tanned face. "Sure. Take what you need and I'll be the warm up act."

  When Curtis was alone in the bathroom again, he flipped down to his phone in his pocket. Adrian had seen his message, but there was no reply yet. He's just sorting out arrangements with Simone, probably. Or he's at work. Just because he works from home, Curtis needed to remind himself, doesn't mean he can answer anything when he wants whenever he wants. Curtis tried to chalk up his sweaty palms and fidgety stance to his meeting. He splashed some water on his face and rehearsed the words—business pitches—in his mind again. All he could remember clearly were the lyrics to some of his favourite songs. He figured that was good enough for now.

  In the meeting room, Silas was able to take over and discuss their new ad campaign and design. The associates around them paid attention, sometimes even nodding along. Curtis really could see this like a concert. Like a show. He remained on the sidelines, not quite in the audience but definitely not presenting yet, either. He held his project folder in his lap and reviewed some of his own area of the project, before he suddenly felt his phone buzz in his pocket. Glancing around to make sure no one was looking, he slipped his phone between his hands and kept it hidden by the project folder.

  Yes, definitely! Adrian had replied. That sounds like so much fun. Just... let me iron out the details after work. Maybe after dinner?

  Sure, Curtis replied. His fingers slipped and shook. Sounds good.

  Great! I'll... call you then. It would be nice to talk again.

  Curtis swallowed. There was nothing necessarily revealing in the exchange. But the way Adrian's multiple ellipses hung in the text message made Curtis think of the way his voice sometimes lingered. Low and husky, like it had been in the car.

  "And now, I think it's about time to turn it over to my associate, Curtis Workman." Silas paced over to Curtis's side of the room, placing a solid hand on his shoulder. His dark eyes narrowed at Curtis's phone, but in a playful manner. Curtis used the project folder to slip his phone away under cover, before anyone else but Silas could see.

  "You ready to head up, Curtis?"

  "Definitely," Curtis said with a plastered-on smile. He felt his phone like a heavy weight in his dress pants pocket as he moved to the centre of the room. Just like performing a show, he thought, and then began.

  Chapter Three

  After dinner, Darcy took over with the girls. "You just had a big meeting," she said. "And you're offering to take the kids to the Science Centre. So yeah, take it easy, okay?"

  Curtis didn't argue. He merely kissed her forehead and thanked her over and over for getting the girls to bed. Sierra would probably be easy to coddle and get to brush her teeth, but Lacey was still getting used to the idea of schedules and routines that didn't start from her own desires. As Curtis slipped into his spare room where all his old music equipment was, he could hear the shrill whining from Lacey's mouth and Darcy's sighs. Even if Darcy hadn't told him to have the night to himself, he probably wouldn't have intervened. It was always so much easier to deal with Lacey one on one; she would try to barter or bargain with the other parent if they emerged. Curtis grinned in spite of himself as he thought of this fact. Lacey, far more than Sierra, was taking after him.

  Adrian had sent Curtis a few more text messages throughout the day, mostly to confirm a time to call. Curtis had eventually said he'd just call when the kids were in bed, since it was basically the same time for Adrian and Simone's daughter, too.

  Ah yes, the sweet bliss of 8:30 bed times, Adrian had written earlier. It was the last message exchanged between them. Curtis glanced at the clock now—8:45—and figured this was as good of time as any. He flopped down on the old, worn couch he had hung onto from his first apartment and punched Adrian's ID in on the phone to dial.

  He caught himself humming an old Ramones song before Adrian picked up—probably because his old Ramones poster stared down at him from the opposite side of the wall. His old acoustic guitar leaned against a high dresser that was filled with old band shirts—both his and Darcy's—and old LPs. Curtis's first stereo was on top of a sturdy bookshelf that had been filled with CDs on the other side of the room by a desk with even more music equipment, CDs, or magazines. Curtis debated putting an album on the stereo just as Adrian picked up.

  "Hey! How you doin'?"

  "Good." Curtis sat up on the couch and felt the tension in his lower back. "I mean, I'm feeling older and older by the second, but I'm fine."

  "Hey, how do you think I feel? I'm older than you."

  "Not by much, though. And you get to sit for your job. I had a presentation today. Probably not the best plan to do a dog-and-pony show for a boss right after a concert."

  Adrian laughed a bit with Curtis on the other end of the line. "I'll keep that in mind for next time, I guess."

  Curtis bit his lip. So there will be a next time. "Well, until then, how about we discuss the Science Centre? It may not be a concert, but maybe the girls will let us blast Oingo Boingo in the car on the way there."

  "Oh, no. Kayla will not have that."

  "Oh yeah? I have a feeling you're speaking too soon for her." Curtis laughed again, his cheeks hurting from his stiff expression. "I'm guessing that this is a yes, then, to the trip? Everything works out?"

  "Totally," Adrian gushed. "Simone's thrilled with it, especially since she has an open house in the afternoon and she felt bad for ditching us. So now we're great."

  "Great."

  Curtis was relieved that Adrian couldn't see how blindingly happy this new plan made him. Soon, they descended into the nuts and bolts of the planning stages. They would take Curtis's car, since it was a van and could hold more child seats. Kayla was six, but she was tiny enough to still need a seat like Curtis's girls. Kayla and Sierra were the same size, actually, now that Curtis thought about it. Kayla's dark hair was just like her parents' and her tanned skin reminded Curtis on occasion that Simone had some Indian in her family line, though all of her close relatives were very, very French.

  With a name like Simone Lamont, that part was hard to forget. Since she was a real-estate agent, Curtis sometimes saw her face (with her maiden name she still used for work) on the park benches around the city, even farther out where he and Darcy lived. It was so odd to see her bright red lips—and red business suit—on a bench, then to occasionally catch glimpses of her in sweats with her dark hair tied back, carrying Kayla on the side of her body like a briefcase rather than a child. She and Adrian really did make a perfect couple. Since Adrian was in law, he got to handle most of her deals when he didn't pick up work from his former clients. He had enough business that he could start to work at home once Simone's maternity leave ended, and he had never really left his home office. It was easier than commuting.

  "It will be great to get out of the house," Adrian confessed. "I've been really busy lately and sometimes I forget what day it is."

  "It's Thursday night," Curtis teased him.

  "Fuck. I thought it was Wednesday again," Adrian hissed before laughing along with Curtis. "I guess the concert really fucked me up time-wise for a while."

  "Yeah," Curtis said, his voice trembling with the mention of the show. He was back to lying on the couch as he talked to Adrian, still in his dress pants but with work shirt unbuttoned and revealing his Audioslave shirt underneath. He placed a hand on his hip
and felt his body tremble at the memory of the car. He fought every urge to also undo his belt. "I had a lot of fun last night, though. Even if it's completely thrown me off for all of today."

  "You too, huh?"

  "Yeah."

  Again, there was another pause on Adrian's end. Curtis could practically see the ellipses in the air as Adrian's voice suddenly turned quieter, breathier, as if they were no longer planning their Saturday outing with their kids. But what else is there really left to plan? They were taking the van, packing snacks that Sierra had already helped narrow down, and they were going to leave at ten in the morning. Everything was done—anymore planning with three kids under ten was just foolish.

  "So," Curtis began, "I was thinking of what you told me before. In the car. While we waited to leave the parking lot."

  "Oh yeah?"

  "Uh-huh."

  "What exactly?" Adrian asked. Curtis thought he heard Adrian shift on the other end of the phone, maybe go into a separate room and close the door. Curtis glanced behind where he sat, just to make sure his own door was close. A crack of light from the hallway filtered in, but nothing else. Even Darcy and the kids seemed to be quiet.

  "Just… I was thinking about some of the parties we used to go to when we were more into the scene. There was a guy there that used to give me blowjobs."

  Adrian laughed a little. Maybe he thinks I'm thinking about him? Curtis cleared his throat, shifting on his couch a little more. "I don't even know if I remember his name. He had blond hair, though. Kind of a slut, if I can use that term for men."

  "I think the new term is fuckboy. But boy-slut works too," Adrian said. "Well. I've probably been thinking about what I said last night a little too much, too."

  "Oh?"

  "Yeah. I could barely concentrate at work today."

  "Isn't that always the case?"

  "Working from home does have its downsides. But today was different. I had a case with a really, really cute client. He was looking into selling his mother's place now that she had moved in with him. There was a long story attached to it, one I could barely pay attention to because he was just so cute." Adrian sighed. "This is what I mean, right? This is what happens when I say I sometimes miss dudes. I see a guy and all I can think of is what they'd taste like if I got on my knees."

  Curtis let out a shuddered breath he hoped Adrian couldn't hear. "Do you think this way about women who come into your office?"

  "No. Not really. I don't want to sound so basic, but this is honestly just about men. I have Simone. I love her. Our relationship is great. No woman could ever top her. But I just... I don't know."

  "Try me. Keep talking. Maybe I'd get it."

  "Umm... I just miss the bodies, but also how I interact with them. It's more than just getting on my knees. It's submission. I can submit to Simone, but I miss the rawness of it with men… Hmmm. I'm not doing a good job describing it, actually."

  "No, no." Curtis gripped his thigh and bit his tongue to distract himself. "You're fine. I… get it."

  "You do?"

  "Yeah. Sometimes it's just there, nagging. But we always want something we can't have. That's the normal response, right?"

  Adrian was silent on the other end. In the shadow of his breath, Curtis wondered if he could hear but who says we can't have it? as a response. But there was nothing else after what Curtis thought he heard, and neither one of them said anything for quite some time.

  "I guess you're right," Adrian admitted eventually. "This is probably why I watched too much porn at work today. Also because I thought it was Wednesday and I had more time to do work. Now I'm going to have to deal with the closings I didn't think about tomorrow. Oh, man. I'm going to have to get a lot done so I can go out on the weekend with you and the girls."

  "If you're too busy, I can try and take the girls by myself. Kayla included?"

  "All three of them? No, it's fine! You need my help and I should work harder anyway."

  "Uh-huh." Curtis slid his hand back over his thigh and his crotch again. His cock had been growing softer now that they had returned to logistics. I could touch myself and get it back up, he considered. But should I? Could I? How would Adrian even know? Curtis slid his hand away and asked, "what did you watch?"

  "Hmm?"

  "The videos. Was it gay or straight porn?"

  "Gay," Adrian answered with a laugh. "Come on now, it's me."

  "Right." Curtis laughed too. "So tell me about it."

  "Oh. Um." Adrian paused. Curtis could imagine him craning his neck around in his office like Curtis had just done to make sure the door was closed. Maybe he'd even lie down on a fancy chair in his office. He had those, right? It had been so long since Curtis was in his office that he sometimes forgot, but he could conjure it up again. Curtis imagined the whole scene like it was choreographed, part of a movie. He felt a small niggle in his mind as he slid his hand back over his crotch. If they both knew what the other was doing on the other end... was it bad? Did that count as breaking the rules?

  Adrian was talking about before Curtis could consider this longer.

  "So, usually when I watch porn, I flip around between videos, but the kind I really like involve the Gay for Pay trope. You know that, right? I know I shouldn't like it because it turns sexuality into something that can be bought and bargained with, but I think that's actually why I like it. The power differentials are up front. The guy knows he's gonna be filmed and he knows he's going to be paid for his ass. But that's kind of why he's into it, too."

  "Uh-huh, I get that," Curtis said for want of something to say. If he hadn't been so worried about being heard, he would have asked if Adrian had ever been filmed. If he ever wanted that. But Curtis remained quiet and touched his thigh again.

  "So the video I watched had this young guy show up. He was a fuckboy, maybe. Kind of a bro, but again, I think that's my favourite kind because their sexuality is so repressed. I like hearing him describe how he's never taken it in the ass before, but you know, he really needs the money. As if he couldn't get a job flipping burgers, right? As if he thinks of this as the first avenue to make money. I know it's all an act for the camera, because this dude really does want to be fucked. Anyway." Adrian paused for a second; Curtis swore he heard the click of his jeans. "First thing the guy has to do is strip. The casting agent says, 'I need to see your body' and other garbage lines that basically end with the fuckboy getting naked. And he's nice. A little rough around the edges, his thighs are a little thick, but it's good. No hair on his chest, but some on his crotch. Which is weird for me—I like hair all over—but anyway. He starts to suck off the casting agent. For someone who has never considered gay unless he was paid, he certainly knows what he's doing. I'm pretty sure the agent guy even said so. But the guy never answered, just kept making eye contact as he sucked him off. I mean, God, that's the hottest part, right?"

  "Uh-huh."

  "It's not even about the sex there. It's just the… submission. The rawness. I mean, I could imagine how it felt, you know? Especially as they went into fucking. The transition on the video was all fucked up, so the sex seemed to happen without prep, but I could see lube so the sequence didn't take me out of it too much. The agent guy lined up his cock and just pushed in, and they were fucking like it was no worry." Adrian paused, his breath slightly ragged. "I could feel it, I really could. The anticipation leading up is always the best. Then the sharp movements from the agent to get the guy into the right place, then the sudden aggression as he pushed inside. Ugh. It was so good. Even if I'm not supposed to like it, I really fucking do. Maybe I feel okay watching it because I identify with the bottom. I guess I am a bottom, though I didn't really get to try it out much."

  "You didn't? But you've been fucked?"

  "Oh yeah," Adrian said like it's nothing, like they're talking about the weather. "I've fucked a few guys too. But I always liked waiting—the waiting before the dick's inside me. It draws out the moment and makes coming so much better."

  Curti
s hissed a sudden breath and hoped that Adrian didn't hear. For a moment, Curtis's ass puckered as he wondered what it would feel like.

  "D sometimes," Curtis started and stopped to take a shaky breath. "She sometimes puts her fingers in me."

  "Oh yeah?" Adrian said; Curtis imagined his bright smile. "It feels good, doesn't it?"

  "Uh huh." Curtis knew that his voice sounded like a groan. But he also knew that Adrian didn't seem to care. "I didn't expect it to at first, but it did. Now I like it."

  "Mmhmm. It's the male G-spot. A wonderful thing."

  "Tell me about getting fucked," Curtis requested, voice quiet. "Was it like the video?"

  "My first time? Nah, the video was too slick and rough at the same time. The guy may have claimed to be a virgin, but he definitely wasn't. That was just for the show. The first time I did it, oh man. I was... I was so new so we had to go slow. But it was good."

  "How old were you?" Curtis asked. He bit his lip, wishing to come out with a dozen other questions. Where was it? How did it really feel—beyond the pleasure or pain? Was it… Curtis soon realized he couldn't really form questions about this since he had never really been through it. But he wanted to know. His body ached in a way that wasn't from the concert or standing all day to do his presentation; he ached with all the things he hadn't done yet. He wanted to feel what that type of sex was like. Beyond that, Curtis wanted to know if Adrian had been fucked before or after they were together.

  "In school," Adrian answered. "It was at a party. Drunk again. I used to be drunk for so much of it because I thought it would be easier. But it's not. I actually remember the first time with a guy sober. It was so much better. He and I had just started to—"

  A sudden cry echoed on the other end of the phone. Curtis felt his wrist snap back from his cock over his jeans as if he had been stung. He shot his head up and lifted his ear away from the receiver and listened just outside his door. When he realized his house was quiet, he got back on the line to hear Adrian sigh heavily over more crying.