Until My Heart Stops Beating

by Tonya M Barber

  After washing her up and drying her off, Declan retrieved a sanitary napkin from under the sink handing it to her while he ran to get clean underwear and a night shirt from her drawer. He returned to the bathroom and assisted her with putting on her clothes then helped her as she sat on the closed toilet. Suddenly, feeling sticky and wet, Declan quickly removed his pajama bottoms and began wiping himself off with a washcloth he got from the cabinet in the bathroom. There was no time to take a shower because the sirens could be heard from the distance signaling the ambulance was only a couple of blocks away. Quickly, he threw on a pair of sweats, a t-shirt and a pair of sneakers then hurried to the door to open it for them to come in when they arrived. Returning to the bathroom, he helped her up and carefully escorted her to the living room. At that time the paramedics were walking through the door. With no time to waste, they put her on a gurney and whisked her off to the hospital. Declan was right there never leaving her side as he provided answers to the questions the EMS workers asked in reference to her medical history and what actually transpired before he called for help.

  Writhing in pain, Makeba held on tight to Declan’s hand as she was being wheeled inside the emergency room. Emergency personnel swung into action the moment she arrived. Questions were asked, vitals were taken and blood was drawn for tests. Unfortunately, Declan had to be asked to step outside her room while they worked on her. In the meantime, another barrage of rapid fire questions was being asked by a nurse who was jotting down his answers. He was furious. Everything was so repetitive. He had been asked the same things by three to four different people. As difficult as it was he remained polite. Whatever information they could retrieve from him was vital in her treatment.

  After a while an emergency room nurse approached Declan informing him that he could join Makeba. He made a quick dash to where another nurse was receding the curtains. He became emotional again but fought to hold it together. She was already scared, an emotional wreck and he didn’t want her to see him fall apart. It would only increase her fear and frustration. Slowly approaching her bedside, he took her hand in his and kissed her on the forehead. He inquired as to whether or not they had an idea what was going on. Turning her head away from him, she bawled. Before he could ask her anything else the emergency room doctor walked introducing himself as Dr. Corey Walker. He informed them that the pregnancy hormone, human chorionic gonadotropin also known as (hCG) was present and that the levels along with the ultrasound confirmed that she was approximately five weeks pregnant. This was news to her. She had no idea she was with child. Yes, her period was late, but it was so irregular and had been since she was a young girl. It wasn’t unusual for it to be off by a few days, a week even.

  Sighing, Makeba looked at Declan who appeared confused by what the doctor was saying. Dr. Walker also noticed his expression and realized he needed to help both of them understand what was happening to her body. They listened intently as he went on to explain that she was miscarrying and since it was so early in her pregnancy there was nothing they could do but let nature take its course. This was disheartening news to both of them. He went on to say there was nothing she had done or could have done to prevent it and that this was just one of those things that happens sometimes during the first trimester. With assurance, he went on to explain that most of the time, miscarriage is a one-time occurrence and there was no reason for them to assume she could not get pregnant again without experiencing complications. That brought some comfort to them. He also added that she would be able to go home soon. Because it was happening so early in the pregnancy hospitalization was not necessary. They thanked him, then he left.

  Silence filled the space between them as they waited for nature to take its course. Their minds were flooded with questions and thoughts of what life would have been like if this hadn't happened to them. While waiting she began to experience intense cramping. Laying back on the bed, she eyed Declan. Tightening the grip on her hand, he watched as she grimaced from the pain.

  “Call the nurse. Something is happening.”

  He hurried to the nurse's station asking them to attend to her immediate need. Dr. Walker returned along with a nurse in tow. They insisted that Declan wait outside while they examined her. The examination confirmed what the doctor had already suspected. Pregnancy tissue had been passed and she was now shedding the uterine lining. Nature was taking its course. Once the process was done, they cleaned her up and had her sit in the bedside chair, while house-keeping removed the bed linens. Not long after, she was assisted back into the bed. Because her underwear and nightshirt was destroyed by the blood, she was dressed in two hospital gowns when Declan was allowed to re-enter the room, one covering the front of her as the other covered her back.

  “Did you call my mom?”

  He hadn’t. He was so worried about her that it slipped his mind to call anyone. Feeling even worse than he had before, he removed his phone from his pocket and called Mr. Jones. Makeba reached for the phone and began giving her mom the details on what had transpired. Her mother was horrified but she assured her that she was doing well and was being discharged. After promising she’d call later, she ended the call handing the phone back to Declan.

  In her pain and all her agony, she still felt the need to comfort him. Hurt was written all over his face. Reaching her hand out to him, she pulled him closer to her. He leaned down to her level. With both arms she held him tight as she whispered how much she loved him. Her actions broke him down. All this time he was able to hold it together for her sake but here she was comforting him now. She was the one who needed to be held and whispered loving words in her ears. He bawled as he tightened his grip on her. It was such a profound moment for the both of them. A deepening love, a stronger connection, a oneness like no other could be felt.

  “Ahem.”

  Reluctantly, they ended their embrace but the magical feeling remained as they continued to hold hands while listening to the follow up instructions the nurse gave her on caring for herself. It was also recommended that she set up an appointment with her OBGYN the following week. Makeba accepted the discharge papers and thanked the nurse as she turned to leave.

  Declan called the car service to request transport. He couldn’t wait to get her home and in bed. Taking care of her was his job and that’s exactly what he intended to do.

  Thank God for plastic mattress covers, he thought as he stripped the bed of the soiled sheets stuffing them inside a plastic garbage bag. He prepared a bucket of sudsy bleach water and scrubbed down the mattress cover allowing it to air dry. This wasn’t easy for him but he’d rather take on the daunting task than have Makeba do it although she fought him tooth and nail. It took some convincing but she finally conceded and laid comfortably on the sofa until she fell asleep. Declan looked in on her before taking the trash out. Her appearance was a far cry from where she had been a couple of hours ago. He had to admit he was scared shitless. What would he have done if anything were to happen to her? Life without the love of his life was unimaginable. He cringed at the thought of ever losing her. He shook off the onset of emotions that threatened to overwhelm him as he walked out closing the door behind him.

  Smiling, he glanced at her laying in the same position he’d left her before proceeding outside. Moseying over to the sofa, he lifted her head as he took a seat. Very carefully, he lowered her head upon his lap. Resting his head against the back of the sofa, he closed his eyes as a thousand thoughts went through his mind. Silently, he prayed for peace from the mental beat-down he was taking even if only for a few hours. Eventually he drifted off to sleep.

  Shifting his body to a more comfortable position, his eyes sprung open upon the absence of weight and heat that was no longer on his lap. Makeba was gone. Glancing down at his watch he realized it was an hour later. The aroma in the air let him know that she was preparing something in the kitchen. He jumped up from the sofa and hurried to the kitchen. Just as he thought, she was standing over the stove cooking. He was livid.


  “What are you doing?”

  “Cooking.” She never looked back to acknowledge him.

  “If you were hungry we could have ordered out.”

  “I felt like cooking Declan,” she responded.

  He closed the gap between them by taking her hands into his. Quickly, she pulled them away, still not bothering to look at him.

  Leaning against the counter with his arms folded and his feet crossed, he eyed her. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Clearly something is bothering you. You just went through a terrible ordeal yet you’re in here cooking as if nothing happened. Something is definitely wrong.”

  “I’m fine.”

  The tone in her voice was angry. He could feel it. Not understanding why her anger and frustration was directed at him, he held her wrist and swung her around to face him. He was terribly disappointed when she didn’t respond. Her eyes went as far as the middle of his chest. “Look at me Makeba.”

  She refused to reply to his demands. Snatching her arm away, she turned away from him and resumed cooking. Annoyed, he grabbed her again, this time holding tight to both hands. “If there is something you need to say to me then I suggest you say it right now and get it over with. Let’s not do this.”

  She turned the fire off the stove and attempted to leave the kitchen but he stood in front of her blocking the path.

  “Move please.”

  “Not until you tell me what’s on your mind.”

  She went around him leaving him standing in the middle of the kitchen alone, worried, angry and confused.

  For hours, Makeba had been giving Declan the silent treatment and he had no clue why. Getting to the bottom of it was his mission. Did she blame him for the loss of their child? She couldn’t possibly, he thought.

  Not willing to accept anything other than the truth, he stormed into the bedroom demanding answers. “What is your problem?”

  “I just want to be left alone,” she replied glaring at him.

  “I can’t do that.”

  “It’s an easy thing to do. Just go away.”

  “You know this didn’t only happen to you, it happened to me as well.”

  Rolling her eyes, she attempted to leave again but he stopped her. “What do you want from me Makeba?”

  “You know what I want Declan?”

  “Yes!"

  “More of you. I want more of you.”

  The words she spoke pierced his heart like an arrow. “Makeba, everything will be better soon. I promise.”

  “Same old promises, different day. It was probably stressing over you that caused this miscarriage.”

  “Oh no, don’t do that. Don’t make me at fault for this. You heard the doctor. This is just something that happens.”

  “Whatever!” she walked away.

  “Yea, that’s right, run away. You’re getting real good at that.”

  “To hell with you.”

  Fed up, Declan held up his hands in surrender while walking backwards exiting the room.

  A few moments later, he turned on his heels, got his coat out of the closet and left. With no destination in mind, he strutted down Broad Street thinking he didn’t think this through. In his angry, hastily, he went out into the cold. It was so cold outside that when he inhaled the coldness got caught in his throat almost cutting off his breath. Pulling his collar up to shield his neck from the frigid temperature, he continued to walk as he glanced at the many people entering and exiting the many stores that lined the various blocks he passed. Stopping on Lafayette Street, he stopped inside the Blue Room Lounge. Removing his coat, throwing it over the back of the stool, he took a seat and ordered a double shot of Belvedere Vodka on the rocks. After the day he had, he deserved a drink or two. Hell, maybe the whole damn bottle.

  ANYTHING FOR YOU

  Feeling guilty for the way she treated Declan, Makeba paced the floor wondering where he could have gone. Perhaps he went to inquire about his investment, or maybe he took a walk to clear his mind but that was over two hours ago. Glancing at her ringing phone which was on the sofa, she rushed towards it thinking it may be him. To her disappointment it was not. She answered. It was Rasheeda checking up on her. She assured her friend she was fine and wanted to lie down. She hated to lie, but she no desire to speak with anyone at that time but Declan. To get her off the phone quickly, she promised she would call her first thing in the morning. Rasheeda heard the disappointment and urgency in her voice and attributed it to what her friend was going through. She told Makeba to get some rest and not to forget to contact her in the morning. Makeba agreed and ended the call. Before she could put it away, her phone rang again. Just as before she had hoped it was Declan. Again, she was let down. It was her mother. She wanted so badly to let the call go to voicemail but thought better of it. She answered and tried hard not to sound so unpleasant.

  “Hello mama.”

  “Hey baby. How are you feeling?”

  “I’m doing fine.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes mama. I was just about to go and lie down.”

  “Ok. Well, I won’t keep you then. I’ll call and check on you in the morning. I love you baby.”

  “I love you more mama. Goodnight.”

  “Goodnight baby.”

  Grateful it wasn’t a long drawn out conversation with her mom, Makeba ended the call and sadly wandered to the bedroom. While cradling her phone in her hand she walked over to the bed, pulled back the covers and crawled underneath them hoping she’d be able to stay up until Declan’s return. She owed him an apology. What happened to her was not his fault and he was right about something he said earlier, it didn’t only happen to her but it happened to him too. It didn’t take long before she was captured by the sandman. Sleep had consumed her no matter how hard she tried to fight it.

  Shifting from one side to the other, she opened her eyes. Running her hand over the other side of the bed, she realized she was still alone. Slowly crawling out of bed, she glanced at the cable box, which read 1:15 am, approximately three hours past the time Declan walked out on her. Worried, she used her cell phone, which was on the bed to call him. Hearing the ringing of a phone coming from another area of the house, she hurried toward the sound, stopping the moment she observed him stretched out snoring on the sofa. Pressing the end call button, she ushered closer to him and began tapping his shoulders in an effort to wake him from his sleep. The stench of alcohol that filled the air was so strong it almost made her want to throw up. Unable to wake him, she grabbed a throw off the love seat and covered him with it then returned to bed able to sleep peacefully knowing he was home safe.

  The next morning, Makeba had showered and dressed early. Entering the living room, she noticed Declan was wide awake watching the morning news.

  “Good morning.”

  “Good morning,” he replied.

  As she headed for the closet to retrieve her coat he asked, “Where are you going?”

  “I need to go to Rite Aid to get a few things.”

  She put on her coat.

  Declan rose from the sofa.

  “No, I’ll go.”

  “I think its best I go but thank you.”

  “Makeba, it’s too early for you to do all you’re trying to do. I know you’re strong but let me take care of you. Please.”

  She couldn’t believe after the way she treated him last night, he was so eager to do something for her. The thought of this increased the amount of guilt she already felt, twofold.

  Gazing at him she said, “But you don’t even know what I’m going for.”

  He took a few steps closer to her.

  “Tell me what you need and I’ll go and get it.”

  Bashfully, she lowered her gaze as she began to run off a list of things she needed.

  “I need Always Overnights with wings, Vagisil vaginal cleanser and feminine wipes.”

  He shrugged. “Ok, let me get my jacket.”

  “You mean you don't mi
nd going to pick up those things for me?”

  He frowned. “No, why should I? Don’t you know by now I would do anything for you? Now where are your car keys?”

  “Right here,” she said handing them to him.

  Closing her eyes, she sighed. The best man she could ever ask for was standing right in front of her more than willing to buy her feminine products. Most men would cringe at the thought and look at you as if you had asked them to walk barefoot on hot coal.

  “You don’t care about what people will think?”

  “Sweetheart, the days for caring what others think of me are long gone. If I cared about their thoughts I would not have accomplished half as much as I have in my life.” He put on his coat. “I’ll be back shortly.”

  “Do you know what all this stuff looks like?”

  Stopping before pulling on the door handle to open it, he replied, “No, but I can read. I’m sure they won’t be hard to find.”

  She ran to him wrapping her arms around his neck mating her lips with his. Quickly, she pulled away. “Ew!”

  “I know. The sooner I get out of here the sooner I can return and clean myself up.” He leaned in kissing her on the cheek. “I’ll be back shortly.”

  “Thank you.”

  He smiled then left.

  Turning on her heels, Makeba went into the kitchen. The food she had tried to cook the previous day was still on the stove starting to smell. After running some dish water in the sink, she began to scrape the food from the pots discarding it in the garbage then placing them one by one into the hot soapy water. She began to wash and dry them as her mind reflected on all that had transpired in her life over the last twenty four hours. Shaking the thoughts from her mind, she decided to cook Declan a nice breakfast. It was her way of apologizing for the behavior displayed towards him the previous night.

  Twenty minutes later she heard the door slam. Peeking out of the doorway of the kitchen she spotted him hanging his coat in the closet. “I’m back,” he yelled.