Never Let Go

by Graysen Morgen

  Finley pried one eye open, wondering how the hell the kid was still awake after the long day. I’m getting old, she thought as she reached a finger out, swiping some of the icing.

  “I have two forks,” Caitlin chided, handing her one of them.

  Finley smiled and began helping her eat the tasty dessert.

  “I’m going to the lap pool in the morning. Do you want to go?” Finley asked. She ran everyday as her cardio workout, then hit the weights afterwards, but she also swam in the lap pool at the local health club multiple times a week. She started taking Caitlin to the lap pool every evening so that she kept her training up while she was away from home. Sometimes, Caitlin went with the neighbor and her daughter, who liked to play tennis at the facility.

  “What time are you getting up?” Caitlin asked.

  “Oh, I don’t know. I might sleep in, so maybe six or six-thirty. If you don’t want to go in the morning, I’ll still take you in the afternoon or evening as usual.”

  “It’s fine. I’ll get up and go with you,” Caitlin said, finishing the last of the cake.

  Finley watched her get up and carry the plate to the kitchen, tossing it in the trash. I’m going to miss you so much, she thought, sighing audibly.

  “What’s wrong?” Caitlin asked, walking back into the living room, where she stopped in front of the couch.

  “Nothing. I’m just tired. Are you ready for bed? I think I’m going to call it a night.”

  “I probably should go to bed since I’m getting up at the crack of dawn to kick your butt in the pool!” Caitlin teased.

  Finley raised a brow. “You’ve raced me five times, and if I recall correctly, I’ve won them all.”

  “Whatever. That’s because you wear fins!”

  “I train in all of my gear, not just fins. Therefore, I’m weighed down. Plus, I’m not a spring chicken anymore. You should be faster than me,” Finley quipped.

  Caitlin crossed her arms and pinned her with a look that had Nicole written all over it.

  Finley smiled and stood up. “Your mother used to look at me the same way when she knew I was right,” she said. “I’ll make a deal with you. If you can beat me one time at fifty meters while I’m in my gear, I’ll take it off and we’ll go head to head for another fifty meters.”

  “Deal,” Caitlin said, holding out her hand.

  Finley shook her hand.

  Then, Caitlin wrapped her in a bear hug. “I love you, Mom.”

  “I love you too, kiddo.”

  “I don’t want to go home next week.”

  I don’t want you to either. “You have to get ready for school, and you said it yourself, if you want to make captain your freshman year, you have to be at your best at tryouts.”

  “I know,” Caitlin sighed. “I just don’t want to see Dave. I do miss Mom a lot, even though we fight.”

  “That’s part of growing up. Grammy and I used to argue too. I think all teenagers go through a stage where they are at war with their parents. It’ll pass.”

  “What about Dave? He’s not going anywhere.”

  “No, but he’s not going to run your life either. I want you to respect him like you do all adults. If he crosses the line, you let me know. He’s your mother’s problem, not yours.”

  “Okay.” Caitlin nodded with a thin smile.

  Chapter 8

  The next morning, Finley was up before the sun and already in the kitchen, drinking coffee, when she heard a bloodcurdling scream from Caitlin.

  “Mom!”

  “What’s wrong?” Finley shouted as she jumped up from the dining table, racing towards the stairs.

  “Mom! Hurry!” Caitlin screamed.

  “I’m here!” Finley yelled as she burst through the door of her spare bedroom.

  Caitlin was standing next to the bed in her t-shirt and panties, crying her eyes out. Finley moved to her. That’s when she noticed the red spots on the sheet.

  Oh, no. Why now? Nicole is so much better for this than me. Finley ran her hand through her hair. “It’s okay. You’re not dying. You just started your period. All girls go through this,” she murmured, wrapping her arm around Caitlin’s shoulders. “Come on, let’s go to the bathroom and get you cleaned up. Did they teach you anything about this in school? Health class or something?”

  “A little. Most of the kids made fun of it.”

  “Great,” Finley whispered to herself.

  “Mom told me about it though.”

  Oh, thank God. Nicole, you’re an angel!

  “So, you know what to do then?”

  “Yes and no. My stomach hurts bad like someone punched me. Is that part of it?”

  “Unfortunately, yes. Those are called cramps.” Finley looked through the cabinet in the spare bathroom for supplies. She grabbed the bottle of Advil, a tampon, and a pad. “Okay, so take two of these about every four to six hours for the pain. It will probably last about two days—”

  “The whole thing?”

  “No, the cramps. The whole thing is usually five to seven days,” Finley replied flatly.

  “That sucks.”

  “Yep. So, anyway, get in the shower and get cleaned up. When you get out, you put one of these on your panties to soak everything up. Just make sure you check it every couple of hours. There’s also these for when you get older,” she said, pointing to the tampon. “They kind of go up in there, so if you’re not sexually active, which you’re not right?” Oh, God, please say no.

  “Eww, gross. No!”

  Thank God! “Okay, well, when you get older…much older, you can use these. They’re a pain in the butt, but much cleaner to deal with. Any questions?” Finley asked, finally meeting her eyes.

  Caitlin shook her head no.

  “All right. Well, I’ll leave you to it. Call me if you need anything. We’ll put off our swim race until this is over.”

  “I leave in six days and you said this will last seven.”

  “Five to seven,” Finley clarified. “It may only last two or three days since it’s your first time. Let’s see how things go.” She closed the door and let out a heavy breath. Then, she trotted back down the stairs to her cold cup of coffee. “Wonderful,” she grumbled, snatching her phone from the counter.

  It was nearly seven a.m., surely Nicole would be up, getting ready for work. Finley stepped out onto the back deck and scrolled through her phone. Nicole came up by name, with no picture. She’d refused to use her married name, so she left the last name blank. The sun had already crested the coastline and was slowly rising in the sky, painting everything in a bright orange glow. Finley watched a seagull fly over as she listened to the phone ringing.

  “Hello?” Nicole answered, groggily.

  “Hey. I need to tell you something?” Finley stated.

  “Finley?” she questioned, sounding a little more awake.

  “Who is it?” A deep male voice called.

  “It’s nothing. Go back to bed,” Nicole said.

  Finley heard rustling, then the click of a door. “What time is it?” Nicole whispered.

  “It’s after seven. Shouldn’t you be headed to work?” Shouldn’t he? Don’t you people work?

  I took the day off to go with Dave. We’re putting his mother in a nursing home today.”

  She’s still alive? She must be a hundred, Finley thought.

  “Are you there?” Nicole asked. “Why are you calling me so early? Is Caitlin okay?”

  “Yes. She’s fine, but she started her period.”

  “Oh, no.”

  “Oh, yes.”

  “Is she all right?”

  “I just said she was fine. She told me you talked to her about everything.”

  “I did. A few of her friends started theirs last year. So, I made sure she knew what it was and everything.”

  “I think it freaked her out a little bit, and she’s dealing with cramps, so that made it worse.”

  “Poor baby. I’m glad it finally came. I was starting to worry.”

>   “I was a late bloomer too. Mine started around the same age, I think. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know. I’ll tell her to call you later, so you can go back to sleep.”

  “No. I’d like to talk to her now, if that’s okay. I’m up anyway.”

  “I’ll see if she’s out of the shower,” Finley said, walking back into the house. She put the phone on hold and meandered up the stairs. “Caitlin?” she called.

  “Yes, ma’am?” Caitlin answered, coming out of the spare bedroom with the sheets in a ball. She was freshly showered and dressed in a pair of loose, cotton shorts and a t-shirt.

  “I would’ve done all of that. It’s not a big deal. Your mom’s on the phone.”

  “Did you tell her?” Caitlin asked.

  “Yes.”

  Caitlin nodded and grabbed the phone. Finley took the sheets to the laundry room, stuffing them into the washer as Caitlin headed down the stairs. “You’re growing up too fast for me, kid,” she whispered, shaking her head.

  *

  Four days later, Finley was sitting at the dining room table, drinking coffee and eating a loaded, egg-white omelet with a side of turkey bacon, when Caitlin sat down in front of her own identical breakfast plate.

  “You look chipper this morning,” Finley said.

  “The red devil is gone!”

  Finley laughed. Is that what you’re calling it?”

  Caitlin nodded between bites of food.

  Finley grinned.

  “Can we go do our swim race today?”

  Finley bit her lower lip as she thought. She was on standby for the next two days and had planned to spend as much time with Caitlin as possible. “I don’t see why not,” she replied. “You’d better eat another omelet though.”

  “Why?” Caitlin asked, swiping an extra piece of bacon from Finley’s plate.

  “Hey, that’s my protein, pal! Get your own!”

  Caitlin ate it like a cartoon, chomp, chomp, chomp. Then, she smiled.

  Finley shook her head. “Do you want to go this morning, or wait until the afternoon?”

  “Either is fine with me.”

  “All right. We’ll let our food settle, then head over there.”

  *

  The fifty-meter, Olympic-sized lap pool at the health club was nearly empty at eight in the morning. All of the morning swimmers had gone to work already, leaving the older, retired people, who congregated at the other end, swimming slow and steady laps, and doing water aerobics.

  “Have you ever done yoga?” Caitlin asked, as she set her towel down.

  Finley was already putting her gear on nearby. “No,” she answered. “Yoga wasn’t a big thing when I was younger, so I never really got into it. Why?”

  “Coach McAdams, my club coach, told me to start doing yoga. He said it helps stretch out your body. Lillian told me she does yoga twice a day and she does Pilates when she’s ashore.”

  “Oh, really?” Finley tried to think of Tracey ever talking about Pilates.

  “Yeah. That’s probably why she has a great body.”

  Finley raised an eyebrow.

  “Mom goes to a yoga class four or five times a week, and she also goes to a spin class once a week. She used to do Pilates, but Dave said she was exercising too much.”

  Finley nodded, not wanting to get into a conversation about him. “If your coach thinks it’s a good idea, why not give it a try. You can always stop of you don’t like it. You’ll never know whether or not it works for you, or if you even like it, if you don’t try it.”

  “I know. I’m thinking of going to yoga with Mom when I get home.”

  “That’s a good idea. I think she’d like that,” Finley said, pulling on her fins. “All right. So, do you want to go off the side like a block, or get in the water and push off the wall?” she asked.

  “Off the side is fine.”

  “Are you ready?” Finley asked, checking her gear one last time.

  “Yes, ma’am,” Caitlin replied, getting into position.

  Finley bent down, putting her hands on the edge of the pool. “On your mark…get set…Go!” she yelled.

  They dove in at the same time. Finley surfaced first and Caitlin swam underwater a little longer. Finley swam fast, one hand over the other, taking little peeks next to her on every other stroke. Caitlin was close, about even with her fins, which did propel Finley a little further with each stroke. However, her gear did slow her down.

  After a quick peek to see how close they were, Finley backed off a little, allowing Caitlin to get even with her. At that point, Caitlin realized she had a chance and kicked it into another gear, swimming as hard and as fast as she could. When they reached the wall, Caitlin touched first, with Finley right behind her. Less than a second separated the two of them.

  “Yes!” Caitlin cheered, smiling brightly like a little kid.

  “You got me,” Finley replied with a grin.

  The people on the other end of the pool clapped when they got out. Finley smiled and waved. Then, she began taking off her gear, and stripping down to the bathing suit she’d worn under her wetsuit. “Are you sure you want to take me on?” she asked.

  “Oh, please. I just smoked you. I’ve got this,” Caitlin poked her chest out like a prized rooster.

  “We’ll see, kid,” Finley laughed and sat on the edge, giving Caitlin time to catch her breath after swimming her heart out.

  “I’m ready when you are,” Caitlin said. “Or do you need more time?”

  Finley grinned. “I’m good. Are we starting the same way?”

  “Sure.”

  Finley bent down again, putting her hands on the edge of the pool. Caitlin mimicked her position. “On your mark…get set…Go!” Finley shouted.

  They both dove in. Caitlin stayed under much longer, giving her a bit of an edge on her mother, but Finley was fast. They were neck and neck, nearly stroke for stroke, until Finley pushed ahead for the last quarter of the pool. They touched the wall at nearly the same time.

  “Oh, my God,” Caitlin gasped. “Who won? Was it me?”

  Finley shrugged and looked to the other end of the pool.

  “Too close to call!” the seniors doing water aerobics shouted.

  “I guess it’s a tie then,” Finley said.

  “Man, you swim fast,” Caitlin mumbled, still trying to catch her breath.

  “So do you, kiddo!” Finley beamed, wrapping her arm around Caitlin’s shoulders.

  *

  Two days later, Finley stood at the airport in her flight suit. She was scheduled to go back on nights, so she was seeing Caitlin’s plane off, then heading to the air station for the shift change.

  “Can I come back for my holiday break?” Caitlin asked.

  “We’ll see. That’s a long way off, and I have another transfer coming up. If nothing else, I’ll come up and see you at Grammy’s.”

  Caitlin nodded and asked, “Where do you think you’ll get sent this time?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Do they send you back to bases you’ve been at before?”

  “Sure they do,” Finley answered. “I have a little bit of seniority, so I’ll be sent where I am needed the most, more than likely, but I also have some choices.”

  “I wish they would send you back to Charleston,” Caitlin mumbled.

  “Charleston doesn’t have an airbase, that’s why I’m not there. I started there because I was part of an aircrew on a cutter ship.”

  “Can’t that happen again?”

  “No,” Finley sighed. At least not like that. I want to be closer to you, Caitlin. You just don’t know how hard that is for me. “They only assign new swimmers to cutter duty because there isn’t a lot of action. They fly a lot, patrolling the water, but they don’t do a lot of rescues. I have to be at a high volume base.”

  Caitlin nodded.

  “I promise to see you more. Whether it’s you coming to stay wherever I am, or me coming up there to stay with Grammy.”

  “I’m go
ing to miss you so much. I’ll send you a picture of me in my uniform as soon as I get it,” she said excitedly.

  “I can’t wait.” Finley smiled. Nicole is going to love that, she thought, shaking her head. “Keep me updated on your swim meets too.”

  “I will. Mom always videos them.”

  “I know. She sends them to me.”

  “She does?”

  “Yes.”

  “I never knew that,” Caitlin said. “I mean, I know she emails you, but I didn’t realize she sent you stuff like that.”

  “Your mom’s not a robot, Caitlin. She does have some compassion, or at least she used to. I know things aren’t easy right now, but you have four more years until you graduate. Then, you’re off on your own. Hopefully, at college.”

  “You didn’t go to college.”

  “No, but your mother did, and I want you to go too. I could’ve gone, but I turned down my scholarship to take care of you and her.”

  “Yeah, then she ruined our lives.”

  “Caitlin…” Finley sighed.

  “I know, I know. But, look at where you are now. You love what you do, and you make a difference, saving lives. What is a college degree going to do for me?”

  “It can do a lot of things, if you let it. Listen, you don’t need to decide anything today, but I want you to work hard and get good grades. If you love swimming, then keep doing what you love. Train hard, work hard, and you’ll achieve your dreams,” Finley said, wrapping her in a hug. “I didn’t know I wanted to join the Coast Guard until right before I graduated. I was supposed to go to the University of South Carolina. Anyway, what I’m saying is, don’t lose focus on you. I want you to grow up and be Caitlin. Not Finley or Nicole, or anyone else. Be your own person and make your life what you want it to be. You’re so young and you have so much ahead of you.”

  Caitlin smiled. “You sound just like Mom telling me not to worry about boys until I’m older. She gives me the same talk, but it’s about sex and getting pregnant. She told me to wait until I am out of college, or at least settled in the life that I want.”