The Choices We Make

by Barbara C. Doyle

  My jaw ticks. “He’s the one who put distance between us, Roy. I won’t let him play games when Addison is involved.”

  He crosses his arms over his chest. “Do you love him?”

  “Of course I do.”

  “Will you fight for him?”

  “I don’t want to fight at all.”

  He sighs. “Sometimes we don’t have a choice, kid. It takes a lot of work to show just how much we love somebody.”

  “It shouldn’t be this hard,” I tell him. “It never was before. Now everything is all screwed up.”

  “Because of Sebastian,” he concludes.

  I sigh. “I wish I could blame it on him, but that wouldn’t be fair. I put the tension there. I … I may or may not have made Noah think I still have feelings for him.”

  One of his brows arch. “Do you?”

  I shake my head. “No. I mean, he’ll always be important to me. Even Noah gets that. We’ve talked about Bash having a place in my heart. He’s half of Addison, how could I not love him in some small way? But Noah … he sees Bash as a threat, and I wish he wouldn’t.”

  “You’ve got to show him.”

  I press my lips together to stop them from twitching. “I don’t know how. He used to believe me so easily. Now …” I shrug.

  Now we’re on different continents, complete oceans fit between us.

  “It’ll work out if it’s meant to, Opal,” he assures me. “For what it’s worth, I believe in you two. I’ve seen your dynamic, I’ve witnessed what you’re like as a family. You’ve just got to make the first move. When you’re ready.”

  He says goodnight after his speech, dismissing me to my apartment so he can finish locking up the café. When I get upstairs, Kennedy is just creeping out of Addison’s room smiling at me.

  “You look like you need alcohol,” she tells me. “Or a gallon of Ben and Jerry’s.”

  I smile weakly. “If only I drank.”

  She walks over to the freezer. “Ice cream it is then,” she quips, pulling out the vanilla cookie dough from the freezer.

  Leading me to the couch, she passes me a spoon, not bothering with bowls. Thankfully, she doesn’t judge when I get like this. Part of the reason I’ve gained weight over the years is from stress eating. I’m certain ice cream runs in my veins, and if it’s soft serve, it’s chocolate.

  I tell her about Noah’s visit before she can ask, knowing she probably heard it from Roy or one of the town gossips downstairs. Plus, she can read me like a book. Always has, always will.

  It isn’t until I put my spoon down that she finally speaks up.

  “Roy’s right,” she tells me. “You’re going to have to make the first move. I think you did the right thing to make him leave earlier, because that wasn’t fair to you or Addison. But you love each other, and you’re meant to be together. Eventually, you’ll have to do something.”

  I lean against her shoulder. “I just feel like he’s playing a game, and that’s not who he is. He’s never been insecure before, but Bash brings that side of him out. I hate that he questions my love.”

  “He doesn’t,” she whispers, leaning her cheek against the top of my head. “I think he’s just afraid to lose you. I would be, too, if I were in his shoes. First loves are so intense, and the type of love you and Bash have is eternal because of Addison. No matter what, both men in your lives will have to share you, and that isn’t going to be easy for anybody.”

  I groan loudly at how that sounds.

  “It’s like I’m a communal dog toy,” I grumble, sitting up.

  Kennedy laughs so hard she nearly chokes on her ice cream. “Okay, that’s brilliant. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind being a chew toy if they were the ones doing the chewing.”

  I roll my eyes. “Oh, stop.”

  “I’m just saying, I’d love to be the meat in that sandwich. You should consider yourself lucky. You’ve got two men pining for your affection.”

  I steal the ice cream from her, putting the top back on. “They’re not pining after me.”

  “Keep telling yourself that, bitch.”

  I will.

  “Oh! I ran into Ian earlier,” she tells me as I put away what little remains of the ice cream.

  “Yeah? Did he try flirting with you?”

  She giggles. “No more than usual. Anyway, he was with Dylan and Ben at Marty’s, and—”

  I poke my head around the fridge. “What were you doing at Marty’s?”

  She pauses but avoids the question. “Ian was outside of the bar on his phone. I think he was talking to Kasey, but that doesn’t matter. He mentioned wanting to stop by and see you but wasn’t sure when you were free.”

  “He knows where I work,” is my response.

  She walks into the kitchen, leaning her hip against the counter. “He wants to meet Addison. She’s practically family to him.”

  “Oh.”

  She nods. “I told him I’d ask you, but he seems pretty determined to meet her. I hear he’s good with Kasey’s little sister, Taylor. She’s only two years older than Addy.”

  I nibble on my lip. I’ve heard Ian’s mother talk about how he is with children, but I’m territorial with Addy. The more people that come into her life, the more likely she’ll get hurt. I want to protect her.

  But even I know I can’t save her forever.

  I blow out a heavy breath. “Do you think Bash would mind? I mean, him and Addy haven’t had a lot of bonding time. And if I let Ian in, then Dylan will want to meet her, and Ben, and—”

  “Whoa, Momma,” she ushers. “Calm down. No, I don’t think Bash will mind. The band is his family, just like you and Addy are. You guys have always been family. Since high school. Let’s be real, those boys are like uncles to Addison.”

  I never thought of it like that.

  “And they can spoil her rotten,” she adds.

  That makes me twitch. “Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of. They have money, Kennedy. They can buy her whatever she wants, and what if she expects that from me? I can barely pay my rent some months, much less buy her new toys. After her meltdown this morning, I’m worried.”

  She takes my hands in hers. “Babe, come on. Addison has been the best-behaved kid ever. And sure, I don’t know many kids—”

  “Or any,” I cut in.

  “But I do know that she was bound to have a one eventually. She’s never had one, never, not once. So what? She wants to wear orange because it’s her dad’s favorite color. I think it’s kinda cute.”

  “Her meltdown was not cute.”

  She smiles sadly. “No, it wasn’t. But she’s six, Opal. She’s been doing so well, and considering her dad’s back in her life, I’d say it’s normal. That doesn’t mean it’ll happen more, or that she’ll expect lavish things if you let the Relentless crew into her life. It just means she’ll have more people to love her. She wants to impress Bash, so he’ll like her. That’s all this is.”

  I hope she’s right, because I can’t handle every day breakdowns if her clothes aren’t the perfect shade of orange. I know I’ve been lucky with Addy, she’s always been a little angel, but I can’t afford to watch her sabotage herself just so people will like her.

  Squeezing her hands, I say, “Tell Ian that I’m free on Saturday.”

  She bites her lip, hiding her smile. “I may have already told him that. He’ll be over around noon.”

  I give her a look, but she ignores it and pecks me on the cheek before grabbing her jacket from the counter where it’s draped across the granite.

  “Don’t eat your feelings,” she chides. “The only thing that’ll grow from doing that is your ass, and it’s already the perfect size.”

  I eye her as she blows me a kiss while walking out the door.

  Saturday morning comes sooner than I anticipate, and my nerves have me on edge. Bash came by the café yesterday to talk about seeing Addison again, and we planned to do an outing at the school fair coming up next week. They have one every fall, at the beginning of
October. They set up games outside where kids can win prizes and little trinkets.

  When Addison asked if Bash could take her, I couldn’t say no. Noah and I have gone with her since she started school, but it was time to let them get to know each other while I sat on the sidelines.

  Or, you know, spied from the sidelines.

  The real nerves came with Ian Wells stopping by. It was pure luck that he didn’t see Addy years ago when he came by my place, and the anticipation of him finding out before Bash killed me.

  Kennedy is right, he’s practically Addy’s uncle. The men of Relentless were my family back in high school, and it seems not even distance could stop that from being true now.

  I told myself that this could be more than a meet-and-greet. And if both Ian and Dylan, who Kennedy told me was coming, got to benefit from meeting their sort-of niece, then I was going to get some answers from them in return.

  Answers I needed.

  For closure, if nothing else.

  When the doorbell rings, I make sure the apartment looks clean—or, as clean as it’s going to get—before answering the door. Behind it stood Ian and Dylan, both holding themselves as confident as ever.

  Ian’s brown hair is cut short so only the top has any length to it, but long enough to not cover those annoyingly blue eyes girls always tripped over in high school. And paired with his flirty smile, none of them had stood a chance.

  Dylan’s sandy blond hair looks as messy as ever, and I still couldn’t figure out if it was because he never combed it, or he styled it like that on purpose. Somehow, it works for him. Not to mention his brown eyes always had an intensity behind them that, on second look, seemed softer now. I assume dating Ashton King had something to do with it, because his press time changed considerably from public intoxication articles to just major public displays of affection.

  Ian’s grin spreads as he takes me in, not giving me a chance to say anything before he wraps me in a bear hug, picking me off the ground and squeezing the breath out of me.

  “Can’t. Breathe,” I wheeze.

  He chuckles and sets me down, ruffling my hair like I’m a child. I glare at him but step aside for them to enter.

  As soon the door closes, their demeanor changes. Or, Dylan’s does. We never talked much in school, but when we did he always seemed withdrawn. Not like how I was, but like he was pissed at the world. He poured that anger into his music, and I thought that type of passion was what made him so successful.

  Now, he seems antsy, his eyes looking around like he’s expecting to see a three-headed cow roaming around the apartment. Instead of carrying himself with finesse, his hands are stuffed in his expensive looking designer jeans, and his body is frozen still.

  Ian looks excited, and I can’t figure out why this is such a big deal for him. But knowing it is eases some of my worry. He genuinely wants to know her.

  “I’m surprised Bash isn’t here,” Ian notes, walking over and examining the picture of Kennedy and I on the wall. We’re holding each other and making stupid faces. Ken’s giving me rabbit ears while I cross my eyes and stick out my tongue.

  He smiles at the silliness, then looks at me.

  I rub my arm. “He’s actually going to stop in. I mentioned that you guys were coming over, and I guess he wanted to be here, too.”

  “Cheeky bastard, jealous over our Opal time,” he muses, shaking his head.

  Dylan rolls his eyes. “Don’t let him hear you say that, he’ll get all macho-man on us again like he used to when we were on tour.”

  My eyebrows pinch. “Why? Did you mess with him?”

  Dylan leans against the door. “He’s always been hung up on you. Wrote you letters, talked about you, asked us if we heard anything about you. He knew no one would give him answers if he went digging for a morsel of gossip. But he was determined.”

  It also leaves me curious over something he said—something Bash still won’t tell me. “Did you ever try to read the letters he wrote me?”

  Ian smirks. “We’re assholes, but we’re assholes with limits. We respect each other’s privacy.”

  Dylan snorts. “That’s bullshit, and you know it. How many times did you go through my shit on the bus?”

  Ian shrugs. “We thought you were on drugs.” He looks at me. “Minus some pot, he was clean. Just hadn’t gotten laid in a while. Fooled us by the way he acted. You would have thought he was tweaked or something, but he just hasn’t gotten any.”

  A tiny voice asks, “What’s pot?”

  We all look over at Addy, who’s in her teddy bear pajamas with matching bear slippers. Ian and Dylan are openly gawking, taking in all three feet of her.

  It’s Dylan whose stunned state causes him to blurt out, “Holy shi—” before Ian smacks his hand across Dylan’s mouth to muffle the rest of the word.

  I give Ian a grateful look.

  Addy walks over to Dylan, looking up at his wild hair and scruffy face. She tugs on his tight jeans. “Who are you?”

  “Uh …” He glances at me like he needs permission to reply, uncertainty washing over his once cocky expression. I grin and nod in encouragement, enjoying his sudden uneasiness. His eyes trail back to Addy. “Dylan.”

  “Are you Mommy’s friend?”

  “Yep.”

  She seems to accept that answer, going to Ian next. She takes in his somber expression. Unlike Dylan, who looks uncomfortable, Ian kneels to her level with a grin on his face.

  “Hey, kid. I’m Ian.”

  She smiles at him. “I’m Addy.”

  He pokes her nose and she giggles. “You’ve got your momma’s eyes, Addy. And your daddy’s hair.” He ruffles her highlighted locks, and she beams at him with pride.

  Her expression turns to awe. “You know my daddy?”

  Ian nods. “He’s one of my best friends.”

  She rocks back and forth on her heels. “Mommy said he’s a prince, you know.”

  Both guys look at my flushed face in hopes of an explanation. I shrug, not willing to give them one.

  Ian plays along, scrunching his face up. “Oh, yeah. He used to be a slimy toad until he got a magic kiss from your mom.”

  Addy’s shrill giggles fill the room as she turns to me, her little nose wrinkled. “You kissed a toad?”

  I can’t help but chuckle.

  She walks over to me and hugs my leg, her warmth easing the tension that has settled into my muscles. “I’m a princess, right?” she asks.

  “The prettiest of them all,” I answer.

  She peers up at me, sudden worry glazing her eyes. “Will I have to kiss a toad?”

  My eyes widen. “No,” I say quickly. “There will be absolutely no kissing for a very, very long time, missy. Not even toads.”

  The guys try muffling their laughter behind closed fists, but immediately stop when I glare at them.

  Addy looks relieved. “Good. Kissing is yucky.”

  Dylan snorts. “Keep telling yourself that, kid.”

  “I’m not a kid! I’m six!”

  Dylan puts up his hands in surrender.

  Ian shoves him. “Man, you need to learn to lighten up,” he tells him. “Kids don’t bite.”

  Dylan murmurs something under his breath about kids being terrifying. I eye the two, studying their expressions.

  Dylan’s watching Addison warily, the look in his eye matching the one Noah gave me the day she was born. It’s the expression every new father got, like breathing around the tiny baby would somehow break them.

  “Dylan, are you …”

  He looks up at me; pale skin, sweat dripping down the side of his face. He gulps, “Yeah.”

  My eyes widen. “Wow. Congratulations.”

  He makes a face. “Thanks, I think.”

  Ian rolls his eyes. “Ignore him. He just found out a few days ago.”

  I put my palm on his arm. “It’ll be exciting.”

  He nods. “I’m not sure it has hit either Ashton or I yet. I mean, a baby …” He pointedly looks a
t Addy, like she’s the scariest thing he’ll ever face.

  Maybe it will be.

  “You and Ashton are going to bring an amazing, tiny human into the world. And that little thing will be nurtured, happy, and healthy.”

  Addy pipes in, “Mommy, can I get a baby?”

  All eyes land on my pale face. “No, Addy. That’s … not happening for a very long time. If ever again.”

  She sticks her bottom lip out. “Noah can’t bring one home when he comes back? Or Daddy?”

  “No, Addison. That’s not how it works.”

  “He hasn’t visited me yet,” she murmurs.

  I kneel in front of her. “He’s busy, Addy. He hasn’t forgotten about you, I promise. You’re unforgettable.”

  She smiles at me. I opt to distract her from the conversation I can tell I’m about to have with the guys. “Why don’t you watch some TV while I talk to my friends, okay?”

  After she’s perched on the couch, singing along to some Disney show, I guide the guys over to the kitchen table.

  They sit.

  “Come back?” Ian doubts. “What does she mean that he hasn’t visited, Opal? When I checked in on you two years ago, you guys seemed happy.”

  I blow out a heavy breath, unsure of where to start. I remember him showing up at my apartment a couple summers ago. Relentless had been back in Clinton to do a benefit concert to save the Harding’s farm from being foreclosed on. After pestering Roy for my address, Ian showed up unexpectedly at my door.

  Luckily, Addy was out with Kennedy. He kept my secret about seeing Noah, but I don’t think he would have kept quiet about meeting Bash’s child.

  “A lot changes, I suppose,” is my answer.

  “Not good enough,” he argues.

  My eyes narrow at him. “What do you expect, Ian? When you saw us that summer our relationship was fairly new. I’d finally given someone else a chance, and that terrified me to do. As much as Noah loved me, not even I can blame him from running far away from the mess I’ve made.”

  “None of this is a mess,” he replies. “I mean it’s a little screwed up, but I’d say you did okay. I saw the way he looked at you. It’s how I see Will look at Tessa, Dylan look at Ash, and it’s exactly the way I look at Kasey. That doesn’t just fade.”