The Choices We Make

by Barbara C. Doyle

  We all walk into the kitchen where Ian has the table set. He’s putting the pan of pasta down next to the sauce he made for the spaghetti.

  Opal goes to sit next to Addy, but Addy quickly stops her. “I want Daddy to sit by me!”

  I’m struck by her request, but slowly slide into next to her while Opal takes the seat across from me. She glances between us, and I’m worried her feelings are hurt. Instead, I see something else written on her face. I can’t figure out if it’s relief or awe, or maybe even surprise like I feel.

  Either way, we fill the silence by eating, Ian serving all of us a pile of noodles and sauce.

  “I love ‘sketty,” Addy tells him.

  “Want to know a secret?” he whispers, leaning into her. She quickly nods. “The first time I tried making pasta for my girlfriend, I burnt it.”

  Addy gasps like it’s the worst things she’s ever heard. It’s damn adorable.

  Ian nods. “Never stirred it. How sad is that?”

  “So, so sad.”

  Opal laughs at Addy’s sincerity.

  We all finish our food, and I help Ian take the dishes to the sink. Opal tries washing them, but we insist on doing it. We even get Dylan to dry despite his meager protests.

  “You’re a guest,” I remind him.

  “And guests usually don’t do the cleaning.”

  Opal steps in. “I can do them, really.”

  Ian and I both say, “No.”

  Dylan sighs loudly. “Man, you guys are a pain in my as—”

  Opal loudly clears her throat, nudging her head toward Addy, who is still in hearing distance.

  Dylan winces. “Uh, butt.”

  We finish the dishes just as six o’clock rolls around and dry off the counter before all going into the living room.

  Addy pulls on Opal’s hand. “Can I change into my jammies, Mommy?”

  She blinks. “You’re in your jammies, babe.”

  “But I want Olaf.”

  Dylan scrunches his face. “What’s an Olaf?”

  Ian and Addy both gasp. Ian asks, “You don’t know who Olaf is?”

  Addy quickly jumps in. “He likes warm hugs!”

  Dylan looks lost.

  Opal supplies an answer. “Olaf is a snowman from the movie Frozen. It’s one of her favorite movies. We only watch it twice a week, it seems.”

  Dylan’s face screws. “How could he like warm hugs if he’s a snowman?”

  Ian clasps Dylan’s shoulder. “You have a lot to learn about love, my friend.”

  Dylan rolls his eyes. “I think I know plenty about love from Ash. Going to be a father, after all.”

  “Not that kind of love,” I muse.

  Dylan crosses his arms on my chest. “Oh, and you know all about love?”

  My lips press together.

  He adds, “I’ve heard of the movie. It’s got that hot blonde chick in it, right? The one who freezes stuff in the North Pole or something.”

  Opal laughs. “It’s not set in the North Pole.”

  “Like where Santa is?” Addy asks.

  “Yes, like Santa’s home.”

  “Well it should be set in the North Pole,” Dylan informs us all. “She’s the ice queen, isn’t she? She could fight for Mrs. Claus’s job. Where better for her to be than the North Pole with Santa?”

  Addy stares at him in awe. “You know Santa?”

  I glare at Dylan for saying anything, knowing that Addy still believes in him. Dylan winces at his mistake, giving me a silent apology. Opal steps forward with panic on her face, but I hold up my hand to stop her.

  “Yeah,” I say, smiling down at her. “We … performed for him and his elves to get them in the mood for the holidays.”

  Dylan and Ian choke back their laughter, but Addy doesn’t notice. She’s too busy being impressed with our apparent top clientele. Well, to a six year old at least.

  Even Opal is fighting a smile, her lips twitching as she stares at her shoes.

  “Wooow,” Addy whispers, eyes wide. “Were the deer there?”

  Dylan snickers. “Oh, yeah. Rudolph was front and center. Waving that big red nose around like a lighter.”

  His sarcasm is thick, but Addy doesn’t understand it. But the rest of us do, and Ian smacks Dylan upside the head, causing Dylan to cuss under his breath. That earns a smack from Opal.

  Dylan throws his hands up in surrender.

  “Anyway,” I hedge slowly, “Santa, uh, is a great guy.”

  “His wife is pretty chill, too,” Dylan murmurs under his breath. I don’t bother looking up when I hear another smack delivered followed closely by Dylan’s complaint.

  Addy blinks at me. “Was he fat?”

  I chuckle. “He was well fed. He had a big white beard and an even bigger belly.”

  Her lips part as she takes it all in.

  Opal clears her throat. “I think Addison has had enough excitement for the time being. She should really get ready for bed. She still needs a bath.”

  Addy protests by hugging my leg, pleading with Opal for a few more minutes. She looks up at me with big eyes, batting her lashes at me.

  It’s hard not to argue for more time when she gives me the puppy dog look. The same one I used to give Opal to get my way when we were younger.

  I am definitely a sucker for the puppy dog look.

  “Kid has the look down pat,” Ian praises.

  Opal grumbles, “Don’t I know it.”

  Ian walks over and kneels in front of Addy. She detaches herself from me and goes to Ian, causing me to frown. He’s good with kids—with Addy. I envy how easy he makes it look. But he has Taylor, so his experience triumphs my own.

  Addy pokes Ian in the nose, just like he does with her. She giggles, throwing her arms around his neck until he stands up with her in his arms.

  “You should really listen to your mom, kid,” he tells her.

  “But I wanna hang out with you guys. We can watch the Olaf movie!”

  He flicks her nose again. “We’re not going anywhere, kiddo. But it’s getting late, and you should get some sleep.”

  She sticks her bottom lip out in response.

  Dylan grabs a Barbie from the couch, passing it to her. Addy’s little hands wrap around it greedily, hugging it to her.

  “Mommy? Can they put me to bed tonight?”

  My eyes widen, a little hurt escaping before I can cover it. She hasn’t even asked me to put her to bed yet. But she wants my friends to?

  Opal sees the emotion I tried to hide, and sympathy fills her eyes. I push harder to mask it, blinking away the pain so Addy doesn’t see it.

  Dylan grins ear to ear. “Score for the cool uncles.”

  He forms a fist for Addy to bump with hers, just like he taught her. Opal reluctantly agrees, deciding to give her a bath first thing tomorrow morning. The three of them disperse down the hallway to Addy’s bedroom, which leaves just Opal and I alone in the living room.

  When they’re out of hearing range, she says, “Santa Claus, huh? Tell me, was the Easter Bunny there, too? Maybe the Tooth Fairy?”

  I laugh. “I couldn’t think of anything else, and I didn’t want Dylan ruining anything for her.”

  “I appreciate it.”

  I hear laughing coming from down the hall and frown. It should make me happy that she’s enjoying time with the guys, my brothers so to speak. We’re all family, after all. But, still, it eats at me that they’re getting that time with her.

  That she asked for them.

  To my surprise, Opal brushes her hand against my arm. “Hey, don’t take it personally. Just because she wants them to tuck her in tonight doesn’t mean anything, okay? She already loves them like family, but she also loves you.”

  I trudge over to the couch, sitting down. “How do you know, Opal? She’s known about me for just a few weeks.”

  She shakes her head, stopping in front of me. “She’s known about you her entire life—your name, your career. She loves you, Sebastian, because you’re he
r father. And just like you, she loves unconditionally.”

  A labored breath escapes my lips. Dropping my face in my hands, I let it out. The tears. The pain. The guilt.

  Addy deserves to feel unconditional love as much as she gives it.

  “I’m sorry,” Opal whispers brokenly. “For all of this, Bash. For keeping you from her, from making you think that you’d never be a part of her life. I wanted that, really. But I wanted so much more for you than I knew I’d get by telling you.”

  Her image is a blur through the glaze of my eyes. “I get it. You were looking out for me like always. Don’t apologize, Opal. It’s in the past. We’re … it’s over with now. We can move forward, right?”

  She bites down on her bottom lip, drawing it in. “Can I ask you something? The guys mentioned it earlier, and I need to hear it from you.”

  I take a deep breath, afraid of what they could have told her. I’ve had a lot of heart-to-hearts with them over the years, and I know Ian wants to help. He could have said anything.

  “Dylan mentioned that you haven’t, uh, been with another girl since you left,” she whispers, uncertainty in her tone. “Is that … I mean, it’s not true, right? You saw other girls, didn’t you?”

  I swallow past the thick lump in my throat. “Is that what you want to hear?”

  Her lip trembles. “I don’t know.” She takes a deep breath. “No, it’s not. I want to know that you didn’t wait for me—that you truly lived.”

  “I did live,” I assure her, easily understanding what she’s worried about. She didn’t want me to hold back, and I didn’t.

  “But with other people?”

  Running a sweaty palm down my jean-clad thigh, I say, “I don’t know what you want me to say, Opal. My answer probably isn’t what you want to hear, and I don’t want to upset you.”

  “Just be honest. We used to always be honest with each other. Before I screwed it up, I mean.”

  I eye her. “Hey. You didn’t screw anything up. If anything, I started breaking that rule. When I left, I acted like I didn’t want you to come with me, when really I did. I pretended like I didn’t care. I started that train wreck, you just did your best not to derail.”

  She blinks, not saying anything.

  “Honestly,” I tell her, “I made myself believe that I could fix us by acting like nothing changed. I was fooling myself, Opal. And that’s on me. For six years, I told myself that if I waited for the perfect moment to come back to you, you’d be there. And that was such a shit thing to expect. I never should have ever expected you to be waiting here like I didn’t leave. That was selfish as hell, I admit that. So, no, Opal. I haven’t been with anybody but you. I wanted …” I drag in a breath, “I still want you, but I have to accept that you’re not mine anymore. Your heart belongs to other people now.”

  “B-Bash,” she murmurs shakily.

  I put my hand on her bouncing thigh. “I don’t need you to say anything, Opal. I’m just glad to be back in your life, any way I can have you.”

  I stand up, giving her a small smile.

  She sniffs back tears. “You were always too good for me, you know.”

  I blink. “If you still believe that, then you’re not giving yourself enough credit. You should see yourself the way I still see you.”

  She closes her eyes. “That’s what I’m afraid of, Sebastian. I’m not the girl you fell in love with, shared your first kiss with, or any important moments with anymore. I wish I was. I wish I believed in us like you do, but I failed you. Time and time again. And I can’t … I can’t hold onto that guilt. I can’t keep feeling like I cheated on you when we weren’t together.”

  Her voice breaks, and so do I.

  “Opal, Jesus, don’t feel like that.” I scrub my hand across my face. “I never want you to feel guilty. We’re both responsible for how we ended up, and neither one of us should feel bad about. We found each other again, and I’m happy with that, Opal. No matter what, I’m content with how things turned out.”

  “Content and happy aren’t the same things.”

  I shrug. “Maybe not, but I’m okay with it.”

  Without giving her a chance to reply, I back up toward Addy’s room. “I’m going to say goodnight to our daughter and then head out. Thanks for letting me come over today. I had a lot of fun.”

  She stands up, running her hands down her sides, nodding in silence. There’s nothing else that can be said between us right now, and I’m okay with that.

  “Do you have her inhaler?” Opal asks, going over the mental checklist in her head for the tenth time.

  “Yes.”

  “Her jacket in case she gets cold?”

  “Yep.”

  “Snacks! What if they don’t have any she likes?”

  Somehow, I doubt that’ll happen. In the past week, I’ve seen Addy and Opal three times between hanging out in the café and their apartment. The kid inhales anything put in front of her, just like I do.

  “I made sure to put the pretzels, Jell-O, and cut up oranges in my bag,” I assure her. “Next to her inhaler, Band-Aids, headache medicine, and a sweater. Plus, I have an extra pair of socks in case her feet get wet, a first aid kit, and my phone charger to make sure my phone is charged at all times. By the way, we don’t have each other’s numbers. I tried calling the number of your old cell, but it’s out of service.”

  Her eyes get huge. “Oh, my god, how could I forget that? You’ll need all the emergency contacts, too! Kennedy, and Roy, and—”

  “Opal.” I grab ahold of her arms, stopping her nervous breakdown. “I have Kennedy’s and Roy’s number. I just need yours. And I charged my phone before coming here, so it has full battery. We’ll be fine, I promise.”

  She closes her eyes and lets out a small breath. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m being such a …”

  “Mom?” I supply grinning.

  She laughs. “Yeah, a psycho one.”

  She shakes her head and jots down her number on a post-it note, handing it to me. “I will make sure my phone is within my reach at all times, okay? If she needs me, just call. I’ll speed to the school right away.”

  I roll my eyes. “We’ll be fine,” I remind her.

  She doesn’t believe me, but she nods anyway.

  “Addy!” Opal calls. “Your dad is ready to go. Get out here and out your shoes on please.”

  It takes seconds before Addison is running toward me. She flings herself at me, and I catch her, hoisting her up in my arms. She sits on my right forearm, wrapping her arms around my neck.

  “You excited?”

  “I want a duck!” she exclaims.

  “A … huh?”

  Opal giggles. “They have games to win stuffed animals there. All of the proceeds go to after-school program funding. Every year, Noah or I try winning her something.”

  Addy leans in to my ear, cupping her mouth with her hands and whispering, “Mommy isn’t very good at it.”

  Opal deadpans. “I heard that.” She makes a face. “She’s not wrong, though. Last year I accidentally hit the principal right in the, uh, jewels with the tennis ball. He was running the booth. I doubt he will this year.”

  I burst out laughing. “Principal Ackerman?”

  “The very one.”

  I shake my head. “That’s golden.”

  She doesn’t seem to think so. “Anyway, you guys should be going. They stop giving out tickets after a certain time. Oh!” She grabs something out of her pocket. Money.

  I glare at it.

  “It’s for Addy’s admission.” She frowns.

  “I’m not taking your money.”

  “But it’s for Addy.”

  My eye twitches. “Who is my daughter, and somebody I’m very capable of paying for.”

  “The games can be expensive …”

  “Opal,” I chide, “I’ve got this. Let me treat our daughter. I promise I’m good for the money, okay?”

  She defeatedly puts the money on the counter. “Well, okay
. Remember to call if you have any problems. Not that you will!” She adds the last part quickly, probably seeing how hard I’m refraining from reminding her, again, that we’ll be fine.

  Addy leans toward her and kisses Opal. Opal brushes Addy’s hair back behind her ears and waves as we head out.

  I feel her stare burning into my back all the way to my car.

  ***

  Pictures.

  I used to expect people stopping me for pictures or signatures anywhere else, but not Clinton. It used to be an unspoken agreement to have privacy at home.

  But as soon as Addy and I walked into the school, we were on full display for everyone. People, some I knew and others I didn’t, stopped and told me how glad they were to see me and Addison together. A family, that’s what they called us.

  Some people snapped pictures of us. I don’t think they thought I’d notice, especially those who tried acting like they were looking anywhere but at me and my little girl, despite their phone cameras pointing our way.

  Addy didn’t notice. She was too giddy about the games, and whatever a chocolate tent was. I assumed they sold candy, because I’m pretty sure it’s not an actual tent made of chocolate. That’d be some Willy Wonka shit that Clinton Central School just isn’t capable of mastering.

  I tried my best to ignore the people who seemed to want in on my business, but my patience was wearing thin when we’d be stopped during each booth we visited. Addy got restless, tugging on my hand every time somebody would stop to talk to me. It was nice to catch up with people, but I wanted this day to be about Addy.

  “Daddy, the duck!” Addy points toward a booth that has a stuffed duck that’s easily the same size as her.

  “One second, Addy,” I tell her. My attention focuses back to Mrs. Nelson, who used to work in the guidance office. “It was nice talking with you, but I really need to get going.”

  “Oh, but dear—”

  “Mrs. Nelson,” a familiar voice greets from directly behind me, “why don’t you leave these two alone and let them have their time? You’ll get plenty of gossip from your friends over there.”

  Addy bolts at Noah as soon as she realizes who it is.

  Envy swarms through me, even though I should be grateful that Mrs. Nelson is now, reluctantly, walking back to her group. Sure enough, they’re all looking at me and Addy, whispering to themselves.