I am Mrs. Jesse James

by Pat Wahler

  “And when will Mr. Howard be back?”

  “Oh, I think within a short time,” I answered, and hoped my words were true.

  I stepped outside, pulled my straw hat down to shade my eyes, and hurried home in the warm September sun. With arms too full to do anything about it, the hem of my blue flowered dress dragged through the dust. Oh, well, laundry was the least of my worries.

  Birds chirped merrily as I rounded the corner to see a buggy in front of the house.I stopped short, and wondered whether to go home or turn and walk away, when I noticed someone on the porch. A familiar figure leaned against the post with his arms crossed. Jesse! I kept my eyes fixed on him and hurtled down the road like a comet.

  The packages tumbled onto the porch when he pulled me into his arms and pressed his lips to mine. My body tightened, helpless with relief and then desire, during the lingering kiss. Someone cleared his throat and I reluctantly pulled away to see Frank on the porch swing with his arm around a beautiful blue-eyed woman who had the palest yellow hair I’d ever seen.

  Jesse bowed with a flourish. “Josie, I’d like you to meet Ben’s new wife, Fannie Woodson.”

  She rose and extended her hand. “I’m so pleased to meet you, Josie. Ben and Dave”—her eyes twinkled when she used the assumed names—“described you so well, I would have recognized you anywhere.”

  Annie—or Fannie, as I reminded myself—stood only a bit taller than me, but in her deep blue traveling dress with a lovely veiled hat perched high on her head, I looked dowdy. I smoothed my well-worn calico and blushed at the dirty hem before I lifted my chin to smile at her. “I can see Ben made a good match. I’m very happy to welcome you into our family.”

  Impulsively, I embraced her, and she responded in kind. In that instant, I knew we would become fast friends as well as kin. How could we not? After all, we were both married to men hunted by countless others.

  A neighbor walked near the house and stopped to stare. Jesse waved and then bent to retrieve the packages scattered on the porch. He took my arm and led me into the privacy of our home.

  “Black-eyed Susans! They’re my favorite flower.” Annie touched the blossoms.

  “I love them too. Their color always cheers me.” I carried the supplies into the kitchen before taking a seat next to Jesse. He slipped an arm across my shoulders.

  “We made some pretty good trades on this trip, sweetheart, and found a few lucrative deals. If things keep going the way they are, we won’t need to rent a house much longer. I’ll build you a fine new place that looks the way you want it to.”

  “I’m just relieved you’re back home.” My words rushed out before I could stop them. “I admit my nerves have been stretched. Just this morning, I saw a bounty poster at the mercantile asking for information on you and Frank.”

  “You know we only do what any Southern man worth his salt would. And it’s not just us. Haven’t you been reading the newspapers? We’re among a group of men considered the last Southern heroes, still striking blows against Federal-held businesses to avenge the Confederacy. You should be proud, not afraid.”

  “I haven’t picked up a newspaper since our honeymoon, and I’m not sure I want to. Anything can happen when you keep putting yourself in harm’s way.”

  “I know how to get around in the dark and stay out of trouble. I’m like a coyote hunting at night. I like it best when the sky’s black as ink and no one can see me watch them.”

  I stared at Jesse. Did he really believe he could become invisible to the rest of the world? Did Frank? I glanced at Annie whose brows had scrunched together. Did I sound disloyal? Was I stirring up her fears?

  I stood abruptly. “After your travel, you must be parched. Wait here and let me bring you some cool water to quench your thirst.”

  Later, with Annie’s help, I prepared dinner and we spent the evening cautiously avoiding mention of any topics except casual ones. I discovered Annie had planned to become a schoolteacher before she ran away to marry Frank. I wasn’t surprised. She had a sweet, genuine personality that I instantly warmed to and knew she would make a natural teacher. I swallowed my disappointment when Frank said he had rented a house two miles away, deeming it unwise to be any closer to Jesse. It would have been nice to have Annie close enough so we could visit each day.

  After they climbed back into the carriage and drove away, I thought of Susie in Texas and imagined living a normal life far from Missouri. If Jesse and I left, perhaps Frank and Annie would follow. We could be neighbors and raise our families together. If I laid my plans as carefully as William Quantrill had laid his, neither Annie or I would have to live in fear of an arrest or lynching.

  Spirit soaring with the possibilities, I turned down the light in the front room and joined Jesse in bed.

  21

  I looked out the front window and wondered if Jesse would be home in time to eat the biscuits while they were still steaming. The days were getting shorter and the overcast November chill was a stark reminder of winter’s approaching gloom. But the last few weeks had been happy ones. Jesse and Frank had stayed close to home and made no mention of travel. Could it mean they were tiring of their endless quest to punish the Union?

  I turned back to the kitchen and a strong whiff of browning biscuits reached my nose. The smell made the room twirl and I held a hand over my mouth. I sank to the floor and gulped in deep breaths to keep from being sick. When I tried to get up, my legs were as unsteady as if I’d been spinning in a circle.

  Unable to walk, I went to my knees and crawled to the bedroom. Struggling to keep my eyes open, I pulled myself into bed. My body burned with heat and my stomach churned. Influenza, I thought. I’ve got influenza! I remembered taking soup to the neighbors just last week after their diagnosis. The scent of dark smoke drifted into our room, adding to my stomach’s rebellion. The smell made me turn my head into the pillow and long for the clean air of outdoors. Yet I couldn’t rise to do anything about the burning biscuits.

  The front door banged open, and I heard Jesse shout my name before the Dutch oven thudded onto the table. With no strength to call out, I waited for him. It didn’t take long.

  He appeared beside me like an apparition. “What happened, Zee?”

  “I burned the biscuits. I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  “To hell with the biscuits. What’s wrong?”

  “I feel sick and dizzy whenever I try to get up.”

  He put a calloused palm on my forehead. “I’m going to open up the windows to get this smoke out. Then I’ll find a doctor.”

  He tucked a quilt around me before he left. I fell into an uneasy sleep. When someone touched my shoulder, I jerked back into wakefulness.

  “Josie, I’ve brought Dr. Schuster to see you.”

  Jesse stood next to a short stout man with a balding head and handlebar moustache.

  “Hello, Mrs. Howard. Your husband tells me you’re not feeling well. I’ll need to examine you to find out why. Mr. Howard, could you give us privacy, sir?”

  Jesse glanced at me then jammed his hands in his pockets and walked from the room. Dr. Schuster listened to my chest, looked in my mouth, and checked my body for fever. Finally, he straightened and crossed his arms. From the appraising look on his face, I feared the most dreadful news.

  “Mrs. Howard, pardon me for being so frank, but when was the last time you had your monthly sickness?”

  My eyes widened as I tried to calculate the weeks. “I’m not sure, but I think it’s been a while.”

  He patted my hand. “Just as I thought. You don’t have influenza. You’re with child. I recommend you give yourself plenty of time to rest and keep your mind calm. You must eat properly even when you don’t want to, or the babe will not flourish. I’ll have a talk with your husband.”

  He smiled, picked up his bag, and left me. I was too stunned to say anything. A baby? Elation struggled with surprise as I fought back another wave of nausea. My mother had borne many children, and I didn’t recall her ever spe
aking of feeling ill. Nor did any of my aunts or sisters mention such difficulties. I wondered how any doctor thought it possible to eat when one’s stomach felt the way mine did. Yet I wanted to do as he told me, for I knew the risks of having a baby.

  Three women of my acquaintance had died of infection and one of convulsions while expecting a child. While I prayed to avoid such dire circumstances, another worry lurked within my mind and I strained with all my might to hear anything that would tell me Jesse’s reaction to what the doctor said.

  But I heard nothing until the front door closed. A moment later, Jesse bounded to my bedside, his face beaming. He reached for my hand.

  “We’re going to have a baby! Imagine that. A child made up from the best of both of us.”

  I returned his smile.

  “You’re pleased? I was afraid such news might upset you.”

  “Of course, I’m pleased. I’d love to have a house filled with children.”

  “I’d like that, too. I’m sure I’ll soon feel better. At least I hope so.”

  “Sweetheart, the doctor wants you to rest. Frank and I have been talking about a trip. Looks like now it’s more important than ever for me to do what I need to do so I can provide the best things for you and our baby.”

  “But, Jesse—”

  “Don’t upset yourself, Zee. I’ll have Lucy come stay with you while I’m gone.”

  In my weakened state, I could barely speak, let alone try to dissuade him from leaving me at a time when I needed him. Within a few days, he was gone.

  Lucy arrived the morning after Jesse left. She clucked over me when I had trouble keeping down more than a mouthful of bread or a swallow of water and held my hair away from my face when it all came back up. Despite how truly awful I felt, her presence distracted me with talk about a woman’s joy in having a child. I needed the reminder.

  When the time came for Lucy to go home, my sister Nancy came, but she told me so many heart-rending stories of mothers buried with their babies that I wanted to clap my hands over my ears. I sagged with relief when Jesse came home, and Nancy said good-bye. Jesse’s eyes twinkled when he steered her to the door.

  He returned and sat on our bed. “The trip was a success. Frank and I made enough money to tide us over for quite a while.”

  My feeble state kept me from asking how he’d made the money, and then I realized the answer might not be one I wanted to hear, anyway. I clung to the notion that at least if he’d found success, he’d stay closer to home, and I’d have time to convince him not to leave again.

  Jesse settled in the chair by my bed and pulled something from his pocket. “This is for you, Zee, for being the mother of my first child.”

  It was a lovely black onyx brooch with a woman’s profile carved in white shell. I ran my fingers over it. The carving was so delicate, I could barely feel the artist’s marks.

  “How beautiful. Thank you.”

  “I bought a new horse for myself. Another long-legged bay, a real beauty. The man who bred her said she’s the fastest horse in the state. This spring, I’ll set her up in a race or two and see how many she can win. Yes, I do believe this is going to be a time we’ll long remember.”

  Yet as the weeks passed, my strength did not return. Despite my happiness at the thought of a baby and Jesse’s obvious pleasure over the idea of fatherhood, I couldn’t leave my bed. Even by January, I still lay weak and listless. Jesse hired a girl to stay with me, as he and Frank had begun to go out in the evenings. When I questioned him over what they were doing, he paced the room.

  “It’s nothing, Zee. Nothing to worry about. More of our old friends have moved here, and we like to talk over old times, that’s all.”

  I heard him and Frank speak of Cole and Bob Younger, Clell Miller, and Bob Stiles. My heart twisted. Nothing good would come of such associations. I wanted Jesse to stay away from them, but he made light of my fears, bringing on another wave of nausea. Even a sip of water made me feel ill.

  Fear puckered his brow, when Jesse announced he would send me to his mother’s farm. “Reuben’s a doctor, even if he’s slower than he used to be, and Ma knows everything about having babies. If they can’t help you, I don’t know who can.”

  I nodded miserably and drew a breath to speak. “I’ve been trying to focus on the time when my confinement is over. Perhaps we could take the baby and go back to Galveston. Ever since you showed me the ocean, I haven’t been able to forget it. Living near such beauty might be a source of happiness for us.”

  Jesse shrugged noncommittally. “Zee, you know very well the Radicals and Northerners have made it impossible for me to make a living in any normal way. Everyone’s out to get Jesse James. I don’t plan to dangle from a rope or go to jail either. I want more for us. Maybe one day we can get together enough money to have our own farm or raise the best horses around. But a plan like that won’t be easy. We’ve got a baby coming, and now isn’t the time.” He pulled out my valise. “I’m sending you to Kearney until you get well.” His lips pressed together in a tight line that brooked no further discussion, even if I’d been strong enough to consider it.

  Jesse shoved my clothes into the valise and helped me dress. He drove me to the train depot and held my arm solicitously as I went up the steps leading to the train.

  Then he kissed my cheek and whispered to me. “Along with your clothes, I packed money and a pistol, just in case. I hope you don’t find all your pretties in too much of a muddle.”

  I nodded. “Thank you.”

  To keep from tripping, I gathered up the skirt of a new yellow dress he’d bought me. I’d become so thin that none of my other clothes fit properly. I had no need for the flowing garments to accommodate the usual state of a woman with child. To calm my increasing dread, I tried to narrow my focus on Dr. Schuster’s advice and calm the fears swirling through my mind.

  When the train arrived in Kearney, a porter took my elbow and helped me to the depot platform. Reuben waited on a bench, with a rolled-up newspaper on his lap. When he saw me, his eyes widened in alarm. He picked up my bag and put a comforting arm around my waist. “Come along now, my dear. Let me take you home to Zerelda.”

  22

  “We’ll need to get some meat on your bones,” Reuben said as we pulled up to the front door of the farm house. Zerelda will soon have you feeling better.” I shivered as he lifted me from the wagon. “You weigh practically nothing, but Zerelda’s cooking will fix you up.”

  I nodded vacantly and looked up at the gray clouds looming on the horizon. My breath puffed out in wisps of vapor. Snow clouds. With luck, it wouldn’t be a bad storm. Reuben led me up the porch and into the house, yelling so Zerelda would know we’d arrived. He helped me to a chair and then left to see to the horse and wagon.

  Zerelda appeared in the parlor doorway, hands on her hips. She clucked her tongue at me. “Come, Zee. Change into your nightclothes and get into bed. I’ll bring you something that will help you feel better.”

  Too tired to reply, I did as Zerelda bade. By the time I’d settled under the covers, she brought me a cup of ginger tea served along with advice as only she could give it. “You’d better put aside all this nervousness and worry. I’ve seen women who make themselves so distraught they lose their baby.”

  Those weren’t the words I wanted to hear. My eyes filled with tears, and she placed a cool hand on my arm.

  “You must stay in bed and do as I say. Every few hours, I will bring you ginger tea and dry bread. If any notion that makes you uneasy enters your mind, open the Bible and read.” She pointed to the book on a table near me. “I’ve marked Psalms for you. Psalms are good to quiet your thoughts.”

  I nodded and sipped the tea, its peppery taste warming me.

  At first, after eating or drinking, I breathed in gulping breaths, to keep from being sick. But with rest and a few days of Zerelda’s strict regimen, my strength and appetite began to return. I was able to keep down a bit of meat and potatoes, along with applesauce and corn
that Zerelda had preserved for the winter. Soon Reuben had me leaving the bed for short walks, and for the first time in a long time, I began to feel like myself again.

  Being in a lively household with Zerelda, Reuben, and their family cheered me. It reminded me of similar days from years ago, in the home where I grew up with brothers and sisters who fussed and laughed and chattered with me. I wished Mama had replied to the letter I’d sent to her soon after discovering I would have a baby, but this was no time to brood. Thankfully, Jesse’s young half-siblings provided the perfect distraction.

  I teased thirteen-year-old John and listened to ten-year-old Fannie gabble incessantly about her desire to become a nurse. Archie, at the age of eight, was still young enough to climb into my lap and tell me how he would capture a tadpole in spring so he could watch it grow legs and turn into a frog. The child’s solemn expression kept me from smiling at his plan.

  Even the Samuel house servants made me think of my youth. Charlotte’s efficient ways brought memories of Mama’s competent skills. Charlotte and Ambrose had been with the Samuels all their lives, choosing to stay even after Lincoln freed them. Charlotte’s son, Perry, who had skin the color of cream in coffee, was two years younger than Archie. He and Archie played together as though they were the best of friends.

  As my health and spirits improved, I took to my old habit of staring at the stars for a while each evening. My pensiveness must have prompted Zerelda to surprise me with a dinner she planned for late in January. She said both Jesse and Frank would attend and her eyes sparkled at my reaction.

  When the day arrived, I took special pains to help Zerelda and Charlotte prepare a meal of venison, potatoes, and biscuits. After one look in the mirror, I shyly requested the luxury of a bath. Despite the cold weather, Zerelda asked Charlotte to heat water for me. Afterward, I put on my new dress and happily discovered I couldn’t cinch my belt around the garment. I let the dress fall loose and gloried in the undeniable evidence that our baby thrived. Sitting in front of the hearth fire, I hummed and ruffled the damp strings of my hair while I talked to Archie.