Perfectly Broken

by Maegan Abel

  "I'm not sure. She just said she had to work, but when I got there she had his stuff packed up for the weekend," I answered and leaned against the island as I heard Conner squealing again, no doubt being tickled. I smiled automatically at the sound.

  "You're an amazing dad, Zane. Has anyone told you that recently?" Kas nudged me with her elbow and I wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

  "Thanks," I said in response. If anyone knew the struggle it had been for me, it was Tish and I knew he had told Kas about everything I'd been through.

  Finding out Conner wasn't mine just before his second birthday had left a huge scar that I still felt, even now. Adam was a deadbeat, he always had been. He called occasionally and tried to stir shit up with me, claiming he was going to have me taken off Conner's birth certificate and dissolve the custody arrangement I had written up with Lizzie. Luckily, he never followed through. I'm not sure what I'd do if he ever did. "That little boy is my life."

  "As he should be," Kas said, pulling a pan of enchiladas from the oven. She stirred the rice in the pot as she called out toward the living room, "Dinner's almost ready! Any little boys in the house need to wash their hands and get to the table, pronto!"

  I immediately heard Tish rushing Conner to the bathroom to wash his hands. I pulled the plates out and started dipping up a small piece for Conner, tossing it into the freezer to cool it off while I made him a cup of milk.

  "I win!" Conner laughed as he almost fell on the tile floor while trying to pull his chair out and get into it before Tish. Tish held Conner's chair in with one hand while he pretended to try to pull out his own. Conner growled and smacked at Tish's hand.

  "Hey. No hitting," I reminded him sternly.

  "Tish, stop. Jeez, which one of you is the child?" Kas scolded with a laugh. Tish released Conner's chair, coming over and wrapping his arms around Kas' waist.

  "Are you calling me a child?" He bit her ear.

  I groaned at their display. Reaching into the freezer to pull out Conner's plate, I took it and his cup to the table before going to make my own.

  "Not in front of Conner, you two." I shoved Tish aside as I made my food, grabbing a soda from the fridge before sitting next to Conner.

  "Daddy?" Conner asked, his mouth full. I looked over, raising an eyebrow at him in warning. He finished chewing quickly before he continued his question. "Can Uncle Teesh come watch for Transformers with us?"

  "We'll see. Finish eating first," I said, nodding to his plate. He made a face at my answer but continued eating.

  Conner didn't look away from the sky as I spread the thick blanket over the trunk and back window of the car. He lifted his arms automatically when I reached for him and I settled him against the window.

  "Daddy?"

  "Yeah, buddy?" I grabbed our drinks and his bag of snacks before climbing up beside him.

  "Do you think there are really Transformers up there?" He pointed toward the moon as he spoke.

  I considered his question carefully before I responded. "Do you?"

  He made a face, obviously deep in thought as his eyes roamed across the sky slowly.

  "I think… maybe," he finally said. It wasn't a question, it was his honest answer.

  "I think that's a very good answer," I said and was rewarded with his bright smile.

  He grabbed his juice from where it sat between us and I watched as he struggled to get the straw inserted. I waited, expecting him to ask for help. But, when he got frustrated, he just took a deep breath and tried again, moving the placement of his hands to give him a better grip as the straw slid into the package with only a small spill. He immediately put it to his lips, his eyes lifting once again to the stars.

  I felt a small twinge of disappointment in the fact that he hadn't needed my help. It was overpowered by the pride I felt at him being able to do things on his own but I was also worried. I wanted him to grow up and become independent in the way I'm sure most parents want their children to succeed but a part of me wondered what would happen to us as he grew older.

  I had very few happy childhood memories with my own father. I had pictures that could elicit specific memories which weren't all bad. There was one of my parents, Tish, Olivia, and I at an amusement park just before Paige's birth. I could vaguely remember that day. I was about Conner's age and I was exhausted. My father carried me on his shoulders around the park for hours. I remember a lot of laughing that day.

  But, the other memories — the yelling and fighting and terror — those were permanently etched into my mind. And, that was my fear.

  Aside from going out of my way to be the exact opposite of my own father, I didn't really know how to be a good dad. But, could that logic last forever? My father wasn't always a bastard, was he? As Conner grew and became more independent, would something in me change? Did something change in my father or was he always the way he was?

  "There's one!" Conner's voice was excited and my eyes followed the line from his finger in time to catch the end of the shooting star.

  "Who do you think it was?" I asked him.

  "It was Jazz," he answered decidedly.

  I grinned. "So what is Jazz doing back on Earth?" I asked, prompting Conner to launch into a story about a fight between Jazz and Bumblebee that got out of hand. His eyes moved back and forth across the sky as he spoke and I listened to his version of the day’s events on Cybertron. I couldn't help but feel peace in this moment with him. Even if he grew to be just as stubborn as I've always been and challenged me every day, there was no way I could ever feel anything but fortunate at his presence in my life.

  I laughed as his arms started flailing while he described the fight between Jazz and Bumblebee and how Optimus and had to break them apart. When he slowed down in the story, he leaned into my side, still watching the sky as I wrapped an arm around him.

  Conner gave my life purpose in a way I'd never known possible.

  "He finally out?" Tish asked as I dropped onto the couch with a groan.

  I nodded and closed my eyes, covering my mouth with the back of my hand as I yawned.

  "I can't believe he stayed awake. Normally, he passes out in the car on the way home when we stay out that long," I said. Today had been exhausting, especially since I hadn't slept well last night.

  "How was Lizzie when you went to pick him up?" Tish asked. I had to force my eyes to open, turning my head to look at him.

  "Pissed off. She had already been getting onto him all day, I guess. I feel pretty shitty about last night now, knowing she ended up taking it out on Conner. I hate that she does that."

  "Have you thought about contacting the lawyer? Seeing if there isn't something you can do about adding more visitation?" Kas seemed hesitant to bring this up, which was unusual for her. Kas was always the one who spoke her mind openly.

  "I don't know." I ran my hand over my head as I tried to think through the questions. I wanted Conner with me full-time but there was so much uncertainty. "I already have him every other weekend and two evenings during the weeks in between. Plus, every time I try to bring the courts in, Adam decides to start showing his ass and threatens to take away the visitation I do have."

  "Didn't the lawyer say you had nothing to worry about at this point? I mean, you've been raising Conner for four years now and paying child support for over two of those years." Tish muted the TV, intent on the conversation. I knew Tish loved Conner just as fiercely as everyone else in his life; he was impossible not to love. It was the combination of the shaggy, blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and completely unwavering enthusiasm that made everyone love him so much. Everyone but his mother. I had no doubt that Lizzie loved Conner but she loved other things more. That was the problem.

  "I don't know if I'm ready to risk it, though. I mean, what if the lawyer is wrong?" I dropped my elbows to my knees, resting my forehead on the heels of my hands as if I could press away the pain beginning to throb behind my eyes.

  "Is it better for him to continue going through this?" Kas didn
't have to elaborate on what this meant. We'd all seen Lizzie's wild mood swings and I hated that everyone could see the affect they had on Conner.

  "Is it better for him to lose me completely?" My voice shook as I put words to my deepest fear for the first time. I pushed up off the couch, not waiting for either of them to answer as I headed back to my room. I was exhausted but that wasn't the reason I left. I sat on my bed and looked over at Conner, watching his small chest rise and fall with each tiny, even breath.

  Would it be worth it if I knew I could win? Absolutely. I wanted nothing more than for Conner to be with me. My fear wasn't completely selfish, I worried about Conner most of all. It would kill me to lose Conner, without a doubt, but what would it do to him if he lost me? What would he do without me in his life? The thought brought with it a painful knot in my chest and I stood, moving to place a kiss on his forehead.

  All I knew for certain was that I couldn't live without him.

  "I want pizza," Conner said, rubbing his eyes as I placed his plate of eggs in front of him.

  "For breakfast? Ewwww…" Tish laughed as he carried the plate of bacon to the table. "That's gross, C."

  "Nu uh. Mommy lets me have pizza for breakfast all the time." Conner scowled at Tish. I tapped the table beside his plate to get his attention.

  "Eat your eggs," I said before taking a long drink of my coffee. Conner grumbled, but complied.

  He'd been up late last night and woke up at five-thirty this morning claiming a stomach ache. I tried to get him back to sleep, even letting him climb into my bed which I rarely did anymore, but it was no use. I was running on about seven hours of sleep over the last two nights combined and I was starting to feel it.

  When Kas joined us at the table, she chatted away to Conner, letting him tell her all about the Transformers we saw the night before. Once Conner finished eating, I took our plates to the sink, taking my turn to clean the kitchen while Conner continued to talk away at Kas and Tish about everything he could think of.

  "Morning." Lili's voice startled me as she reached around me, grabbing a coffee cup from the shelf.

  "Hey, Pix. What are you doing up so early?" I asked, grinning at her sleepy expression.

  She poured herself coffee and moved to the table, taking my empty seat beside Conner as he continued talking to Tish and Kas.

  "Somebody's sweet little voice was carrying down the hall and woke me up," she said, leaning over to ruffle Conner's hair as she spoke.

  He turned, knocking her hand away and giving her an even meaner scowl than he had given Tish earlier. "Stop," he said, his tone full of acid. I raised one finger in warning. He looked past Lili to me and rolled his eyes. That look was one hundred percent his mother and it made me furious to see it.

  "You were out late," Kas said to Lili, breaking the short silence that had fallen after Conner's outburst.

  "Went to breakfast after my shift." Lili shrugged before she continued but her words were covered by Conner trying to talk to Kas.

  "Did you know…? Hey. Hey, Kas. Did you know that…? Hey. Hey, Kas." Conner's voice got louder with each word as he leaned across the table, trying to regain the attention he'd had before.

  Just as I was about to tell him to hush and let the girls talk, he spun on Lili. "Shut up, LeeLee! Go away! My mommy said you're a dirty champ who is keeping my Daddy from us!"

  "Well, you're momm—" Lili started.

  "Hey!" I raised my voice, catching everyone off guard. Conner looked over at me, his eyes wide.

  "I'm going back to bed," Lili said, shoving her chair out and moving quickly down the hall.

  "What's the matter with you today? Bedroom. Now." I pointed a finger in the direction of our room and Conner rolled his eyes at me once again, stomping his way down the hall before slamming the bedroom door.

  I took a moment, pressing both my hands against the counter as I took two deep breaths. Slowly counting to ten, I swallowed the urge to call Lizzie and cuss her out.

  "That was a low blow," Tish said, his voice hard.

  I opened my eyes and looked up at him, not saying a word as I headed down the hall toward my room. I took one more deep breath before I entered, finding Conner sitting with his arms crossed on his bed, crying. I didn't say a word as I shut the door and went to sit on the foot of my bed, facing him. He didn't look at me but it was breaking my heart to watch him cry. I'd never heard him say anything like that — to anyone. I wasn't sure where all this was coming from but I was going to put a stop to it.

  "What was all that about?" I asked after he finally calmed down some.

  "Mommy said—" he started but I held up a hand.

  "I heard what mommy said. Why did you say it? Has Lili ever been mean to you? Has she ever kept me away from you?" I asked Conner directly.

  He fidgeted for a moment, staring at his hands. "No," he whispered, still sniffling.

  "You hurt her feelings. What do you think you should do about it?" I asked.

  "Say sorry," he replied, kicking his feet slightly.

  "That's a good start. But, for now, why don't you lay down for a while and think about what it means to be a friend to somebody."

  Conner wailed dramatically as I pulled the blanket over him and kissed him on the forehead, letting him cry it out for a bit. I wasn't sure what had brought on this sudden hostility but, as soon as I talked to Lizzie, I was going to put a stop to it.

  "We have to call for help!" I try to ignore the panic in the voices, focusing solely on moving my hand, reaching toward the sound. "Where's your phone?"

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Change of Heart

  LILI

  I waited in my room until I absolutely had to get ready for work. Grabbing my clothes, I made a mad dash for the bathroom, quietly shutting myself inside. It was easier than dealing with the issues. I was even considering asking Nikki if I could crash at her place tonight. Keeping my mouth shut when Lizzie was obviously talking shit was going to be hard. I wanted so badly to tell Conner exactly what I thought of his mommy but he's four. It's best to keep my mouth shut and that's accomplished flawlessly if I avoid Conner altogether.

  Showering quickly, I continued my normal routine in a rush. It was ridiculous to avoid a child and probably more than a little insane but that was how it needed to be for the moment. I didn't want Conner, or more directly, I didn't want anyone to know how much his little outburst hurt me. I didn't get hurt. Especially by words. But, in all honestly, having something so venomous spewed at me from the mouth of a child I had come to care for so deeply was harder than I ever would have imagined. I'd seen Conner angry when he didn't get his way, but I'd never seen him look so resentful. The malice in his normally innocent blue eyes was hard to forget.

  I blinked my own eyes as I felt them start to burn. If I didn't get hurt by words, I certainly didn't cry over them.

  A knock at the door made me jump as I yanked the brush through my hair. So much for not getting caught.

  "It's open," I said, pulling my still wet hair up into a bun.

  I focused on my reflection instead of Zane as he poked his head in and watched me.

  "You okay, Pix?" he asked, the concern in his voice causing me to give in and look over at him.

  "Fine. Why?" I asked, attempting to keep my words even.

  "I was just checking." He swallowed and stepped inside as the sound of Conner's laughter floated into the bathroom, mocking my somber mood.

  "Well, no need. I'm good. Not like I didn't already know what a dirty tramp I am," I said, meaning the words to be a joke but realizing too late that the hurt I'd been trying to mask was fully on display. I straightened my expression, focusing on my reflection in the mirror as Zane shut the door behind him.

  "Look. I'm so—" he started, but I cut him off.

  "Don't. Okay? I get it. I do. He's four and he loves his mom. As he should. He's confused and impressionable and Lizzie is a manipulative bitch. It's not your fault and it's certainly not Conner's."

  "That do
esn't make it right."

  "No, it doesn't," I sighed tossing my brush onto the counter and leaning forward, resting the heels of my hands on the edge of the tile. "But, I know a little something about shitty parents." The words came out before I had a chance to rethink them.

  My past was not something I talked about. At all. Ever. It wasn't even something I thought about. It was all locked away, packed in huge metal boxes, welded shut, chained, and padlocked in some dusty corner of my mind that I never visited. It was easier to be me, who I was today, without that baggage weighing me down. But, with the events of the morning, the fact that I saw a four year old being used as a weapon to hurt someone else, brought some part of the old me to the surface.

  I looked over at Zane who was staring at me with wide eyes. In two years, he'd never heard me utter a single word about my past. The topic was off limits and all of the people in my life knew that.

  "I should go. I don't want to be late," I said, uncomfortable with the sudden attention. I hadn't given away any big secret. I had sucky parents. So what? I knew from what Tish had told me when we first met that he and Zane's parents were pretty crappy too.

  "I… Uh… Conner needs to apologize to you," Zane said, stepping away from the door to let me open it.

  I stopped with my hand on the knob, closing my eyes for a moment. Conner wasn't the problem. Logically, I knew that.

  "Okay. I'll be putting my shoes on." I headed down the hall and left my bedroom door open.

  In my rush to get ready, I hadn't done much with my makeup. So, I decided against my boots and dug out a pair of my heels, wanting the extra bit of sexy tonight to help me feel better.

  "LeeLee?" Conner's voice was hesitant and I glanced over, seeing him in the doorway. He reached up and rubbed the back of his neck nervously, looking at me through his lashes. In that moment, I didn’t know how it was possible that he wasn't Zane's biologically. He looked so much like him.