The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel

by Joseph Torchia

She was standing right next to me and I looked over at Robert and watched him cry as he looked and watched me cry. Me and Robert do everything together. He’s my bestfriend. That’s when she said I was a SINNER and I had committed a SACRILEDGE and I’d be really lucky if God decided to forgive me.

  SUPERMAN IN THE HOUSE OF GOD! she said again and I was really mad. Boy was I mad! But I couldn’t do nothing because I was crying too hard.

  And just then she grabbed the comicbook and teared it up and threw it in the air and a piece of Jimmy Olsen’s head floated down on my desk and I felt a really hard BANG! on the back of my head and I got real dizzie. It was like when I got stung by a bee when me and Robert was in our Secret Hiding Place back near Old Lady Holbrook’s spring and it really hurt. I had seen her hit other kids like that but she never hit me like that before and I hope she never does it again. But I think she will because once she doesn’t like you then she NEVER likes you because that’s the way nunns are. She said she was gonna tell the Principle and she said she was gonna call my mom and dad and she said I better pray. And so that’s why I was wondering if you could send her to The Phantom Zone instead of my brother Buster if that’s OK with you? I hope I explained everything so you understand how importent it is, Superman. Thank you very much.

  Your Very Good Friends,

  JERRY AND ROBERT

  PS: If you wanted to send both of them to The Phantom Zone then that would be OK too.

  DEAR SUPERMAN,

  I look at it this way. You’re just as good as God and so I think it’s OK if you’re in his house and besides I know you wouldn’t mind it if God was in your Fortress of Solitude. I just wanted to tell you that in case you felt bad about what Sister Mary Justin said. Robert helped me think of the idea to write and tell you that. So long.

  Your pals,

  Jerry Chariot and Robert

  PS: I may not be able to write so much anymore because I don’t get no allowence and can’t buy no stamps nomore. Not since Sister Mary Justin called my dad and I got in all that trouble. But Robert said he would pay for all the stamps out of his allowence if we put his name first sometimes.

  Robert and Jerry Chariot

  PS: Robert said to say HI to Jimmy Olsen if he isn’t out getting a scoop.

  DEAR SUPERPAL,

  A lot of the kids in school have been laughing and teasing me about what happend in church the other day. They even call me a SUPER SINNER and the way they talk about me is just like the way they talk about weather nunns have brests or not. Duane Machado who was Saint Joseph in the Christmas play said they don’t have brests and it’s just stuffed with pens and medals and roserys and stuff. Michael Roinski who was a sheep in the Christmas play said they do too have brests only they were cut down and made smaller just like nunns hair is cut short and everybody knows they’re almost bald. And my bestfriend Robert said they have regular brests just like his mother’s only they’re not as big as his mother’s who is also Italien like Robert is. So I thought maybe you could use your X-ray Vision to look under Sister Mary Justin’s uniform and tell me if she’s got brests or if it’s other stuff? And then I could tell all the kids in school. And then maybe they’d like me and they wouldn’t laugh at me and spit on me in the stairwell. Robert says Hello to you and Jimmy Olsen. Goodby.

  Your friends,

  JERRY CHARIOT AND ROBERT

  PS: Me and Robert was climbing up to the Duck Rock which is way up in the hill behind my house and I thought I saw a meteor fall to the Earth and crash. So we tryed to find it because we thought it might be Kryptonite. Only we couldn’t. That’s why we thought as long as you’re using your X-ray Vision on Sister Mary Justin maybe you could also find that Kryptonite. And then you could write us a letter and tell us where it is and we’ll go get rid of it so it don’t kill you in case you decide to come and visit us sometime. You’re welcome.

  Our Friend Superman,

  Me and Robert just read THE PHANTOM SUPERBOY where you accidently got projected into The Phantom Zone in GIANT SUPERBOY NO. 165. It was too bad how that baby lizzerd accidently pressed the Black Button when you was standing in front of The Phantom Zone Punishment Machine and you disappeard. Boy, if that ever happend to me I would REALLY be scared but you never get sacred and that’s why I like you so much. And so does Robert. And it’s really hard to explain about what I wanted to explain about, Superman. But I’ll try.

  You see, Sister Mary Justin in school has been talking a lot about Purgatory lately and how that’s where you go when you’re not bad enough to suffer everlasting punishment in Hell and you’re not good enough to suffer everlasting happiness in Heaven. She said you just have to wait there in Purgatory until God decides you sufferd a lot and then you get into Heaven. And if people on Earth pray for you while you’re in Purgatory then you can get out sooner if you got enough prayers. Like about five hundred million Hail Marys.

  But the only trouble is you’re not allowed to pray for yourself while you’re there because it’s too late. That’s why I’m praying a lot now in case I go to Purgatory when I die then I’ll get out a LOT sooner. But if you go to Hell then it don’t matter because you can NEVER get out of Hell. And that means you wasted a lot of time praying on Earth when you didn’t have to. So far I have 677 Hail Marys and 12 Our Father Who Art In Heavens. Which is a LOT more than Robert.

  Anyway, what me and Robert was thinking was that Purgatory and The Phantom Zone might be the exact same place exactly. Especially since you can get out of The Phantom Zone after a long time, just like you can get out of Purgatory after a long time. Except you don’t have to pray to get out of The Phantom Zone. You just have to wait.

  And me and Robert read in GIANT SUPERBOY NO. 165 how criminels on Krypton were sent to The Phantom Zone because then they were invisible and they couldn’t steel nothing or kill nobody. And after they were there for a long time and they were sorry for their sins, then they could stand in front of The Phantom Zone Punishment Machine and somebody would press the White Button and they’d come back. That’s the way it worked.

  Well, Sister Mary Justin said God sends people to Purgatory just like you send people to The Phantom Zone only God doesn’t have a Purgatory Machine. He just does it. And so Robert and me was thinking that if we ever go to Purgatory when we die then you could press the White Button and get us out. And then we wouldn’t have to keep praying so much. And then we could write you more letters and maybe we could even start a Superman Fan Club. And I know this is very mixed up, but since you have Super branes we know you’ll figure it out. Thank you very much.

  Your friend,

  JERRY and ROBERT SIPANNO

  PS: Did you ever find that piece of Kryptonite and Sister Mary Justin’s brests?

  DEAR SUPERMAN,

  The other day Robert said maybe Superman was really God and I laughed. He said maybe Superman is really God just like Clark Kent is really Superman because you and God both can send people to Purgatory. I told Robert I would write and ask you just in case he might be right. So could you please tell us if you’re really God and if Superman is just your secret identity and we promise we won’t tell anybody else? Not even anybody who might join our Superfan Club when we start it. Thank you.

  Your friend,

  JERRY CHARIOT

  PS: If you’re God then me and Robert will pray a lot more but we’ll still write letters.

  Dear Man of Steel,

  I hope you don’t mind if I put two letters in one envelope but I just figured something out and so I told Robert and so now we don’t think you’re God anymore. I told Robert that The Phantom Zone and Purgatory can’t be the same place since when people get out of The Phantom Zone they come back to Earth and they don’t go to Heaven. And so if you can’t send people to Heaven then you can’t be God. Robert said he had to think about it because he had a funny feeling you’re still God. But even if you’re not, we still hope you’ll press the White Button and get us out of Purgatory if we happen to go there. Thank you very much again.

>   YOUR PALS,

  Jerry and Robert

  PS: Remember that Superfan Club I was telling’ you about? Well, I think I should be President but Robert don’t. He thinks he should be President. And so we decided that you should decide. We both think we would be good Presidents except I think I would be better. So could you hurry up and tell us so we’ll know? Thank you.

  DEAR CLARK KENT, if you know what I mean,

  Me and Robert know a lot about you but we won’t say it here in case somebody picks this up off your desk or something and guesses what you don’t want them to guess. Especially Lois Lane who thinks you’re Superman—isn’t that dumb Ha-Ha! (I put that in just in case.) Anyway, the reason we’re sending this letter to you is because we know you see Superman sometimes and we want you to tell him something for us the next time you see him which might be any minute if you know what I mean. Tell him we found that Kryptonite meteor which wasn’t really Kryptonite but we burried it anyway just in case there was Kryptonite inside of it. So now he don’t have to worry if he flies over the Duck Rock where me and Robert have our new Secret Hiding Place ever since Old Lady Holbrook caught us in our old one and told my dad. The Duck Rock is a lot better anyway because it’s REAL big and it sticks WAY up in the air and if you fell off the top you’d probly get killed unless you knew how to fly. Which I don’t yet. Which is why my mom said I was NEVER allowed to climb up on top and neither is any of the other kids and that’s why me and Robert picked it. Because everybody else is chicken to climb on the Duck. And because it’s a real good spot to land on. And because it’s real easy to find especially if you got X-ray Vision. Which reminds me. Would you also tell Superman that it don’t matter if he looks at Sister Mary Justin’s brests or not because Robert asked his older brother Bruno if nunns have brests and Bruno said if she didn’t have brests then she would be a priest. But tell Superman we said thank you for trying very much anyway.

  Sincerly Yours,

  JERRY CHARIOT and ROBERT SIPANNO

  Dear SUPERMAN,

  Every time I pick up one of your books I see Lois Lane is trying to bother you by trying to figure out your Secret Identity and I don’t know why you still like her so much. I mean Jimmy Olsen doesn’t do things like sneaking up from behind and trying to cut your hair to see if the sizzors will break because your hair is indestructable like everything else you have. I know Lois worships the ground you fly over and she even wants to merry you but if she REALLY loved you then she wouldn’t bother you so much and she would just love you whoever you are like me and Robert do. Doesn’t she know that if everybody knew you was really Clark Kent then everybody would want to come and see you and go for a ride on your back and bother you all the time? And then you wouldn’t have time to get scoops or save people or play with your Superdog Krypto. Me and Robert was thinking maybe we should write Lois a letter and tell her not to be so nosey. But we thought we should ask you first so what do you think?

  Love,

  JERRY and ROBERT

  PS: Do you really think you might get merried to Lois Lane someday? Or are you waiting to see if maybe you could find a girl with Super powers like your cousin Supergirl who you can’t merry because she’s your cousin? My mother said that Negro people shouldn’t merry anybody else except other Negro people, just like Catholics are only allowed to merry Catholics and nobody should ever merry a Jew. Not even the Protestents. So me and Robert decided that if my mom believed in you then she’d want you to merry somebody who’s Super instead of normel. But she don’t anyway and neither does my dad or Buster or Sister Mary Justin. So me and Robert thought about it for a LONG time and we decided you should merry ANYBODY you want to. Except maybe Lois Lane. And then if you merried somebody who’s normel then maybe I could merry somebody who’s not normel like your cousin Supergirl. I love Supergirl a HOLE LOT even almost as much as I love you, Superman. So long.

  JERRY AGAIN

  PS: By the way, is Supergirl a Catholic?

  Dear SUPERFRIEND,

  Yesterday I started to write you a letter and tell you how I would be a better President than Robert because I’m learning how to fly and be just like you and that’s why I practice every day unless Old Lady Holbrook is around. But then Robert came in and he saw me writing it and he got REAL mad because it was the first time I ever wrote a letter without him. And he wouldn’t talk to me and he wouldn’t let me read the latest SUPERMAN’S PAL JIMMY OLSEN or anything. And today in school when we went to the lavatory he wouldn’t even whisper to me like he usually does when Sister Mary Justin’s outside waiting. He just looked at his thing and I just looked at my thing and we didn’t say anything. And so after school I decided to tell him how he could be President if he wants. Only he said we shouldn’t have a President or a Vice President or anything because we’ll just have us. And this way we’ll NEVER have to fight anymore unless we want to. And so now you don’t have to worry about which one you’re gonna pick anymore. We know you was having a hard time deciding and that’s why you took so long because you like both of us a lot. So do we. So goodby.

  Your Superfans,

  JERRY and ROBERT

  Dear Lois Lane,

  We used to think Clark Kent was Superman but now we don’t anymore. You see, last week we saw Clark Kent standing on the corner innerviewing somebody for a scoop when allofasudden Superman went flying up near the Duck Rock. So he can’t be two places at once like God can. So you see, he isn’t.

  Goodby.

  Sincerly,

  Mr. Chariot and Mr. Sipanno

  Dear SUPERMAN,

  We usually have Religion first in the morning but sometimes we have it last and we have Geography first. And sometimes we don’t have Geography at all because Sister Mary Justin thinks it’s better we should know about where we’re going after we die than where we’re going now. So the other morning during Geography class Sister Mary Justin asked us where we would like to go most of all if we could go ANYWHERE in the hole world most of all. That’s what she said, the hole world, and so I couldn’t say Krypton or Mars. And I was the first one who raised my hand but she still called on Jimmy Sinceri first. She always calls on Jimmy Sinceri first because his older brother is a alter boy and so she likes him. It don’t matter that I have a older sister who is becoming a nunn because that don’t count because of what happend in church which I already told you about. But I never told you about my sister the Sister because I don’t like her very much sometimes. Because every time we get to go see her she always tells me how Sister Mary Justin is one of the BEST nunns in the HOLE convent and how I’m REALLY lucky to have her. The only trouble is that Sister Mary Justin likes certain people and she don’t like certain people and if you’re one of the ones she don’t like then she really HATES you. Because that’s the way nunns are.

  Anyway, the other day in Geography class Jimmy Sinceri said he wanted to go to Heaven more than anywhere else in the hole world. But since he couldn’t go to Heaven until after he dies then he’d like to go to Roam where the Pope lives. And Sister Mary Justin liked that.

  And then Janie Jobb said she’d like to go to Jeruslum because that’s where Jesus died and she’d like to go walk where Jesus walked on the day he died which was Good Friday last year. And Sister Mary Justin liked that also.

  And then Jane Barroni raised her hand and said she wanted to go to the bathroom and she went.

  And then Sister Mary Justin said JEROME? And I knew the way she said my real name that she wasn’t gonna like what I said even if I didn’t tell the truth. So I told the truth.

  And she said METROPOLIS? I NEVER HEARD OF IT. And I said That’s where Superman lives. And she said SUPERMAN! And I should have known right then to be quiet but I didn’t. And so I said Yes, I want to go to Metropolis so I can see Superman and talk to him and maybe even touch him and shake his hand. And that’s when Sister Mary Justin started to laugh only she didn’t really laugh because it was one of those laughs which says BOY ARE YOU STUPID! And when she laughs like that, that mean
s everybody else in the class is supposed to laugh too. And so they do. And if they don’t then they might get in trouble like I was. Only I think they really like to laugh like that. Especially Jimmy Sinceri.

  And so Sister Mary Justin said WHERE IS METROPOLIS, JEROME? And I really hate Jerome even if Saint Jerome was one of the BEST saints in the hole church. But I guess Saint Jerry wouldn’t sound very good. So I said It’s in Pencilvania. And she said WHERE? Only she said it like she already knew. And I said It’s in Pencilvania again. And she didn’t say anything for a long time and she kept looking at me. And then she said WILL YOU PLEASE GO TO THE BLACKBOARD? And so I went. And she said PULL DOWN THE MAP OF PENCILVANIA. And I said I can’t reach it. And she said DUANE? And so Duane did it. And then she said FIND IT! and so I looked.

  That’s when she took her watch out from under where she keeps her brests and things and she looked at it. And I looked at the map. Only it was hard to see because my eyes were all watery because everybody was giggling at me. And then she started tapping her foot like she does when a test is almost over and she wants to make you nervous. And I was.