You see, Superman, we don’t think Mr. Mxyzptlk! is really that bad even if he does make a lot of trouble for you and everybody else in Metropolis, Illinoise. Especially you. Because he does those things to have fun and not to hurt people or kill somebody. Because he isn’t real big and mean like Luthor is. In fact he’s about as little—I mean big—as I and Robert am. That’s why he’s a imp and not a person. He doesn’t do things like robbing banks or pushing Lois Lane out the window. He just does things like making cars drive up the side of skyscrapers and making all the water disappear from the swimming pool. He likes to make trouble because that’s just the way he is, not because he really LIKES to make trouble.
And we think it’s really NEAT how he comes out of The Fifth Dimension where he lives with all the the other imps, and the only way you can send him back to his own Dimension is to make him spell his name backwords. And that’s the only way you can get rid of him because he’s magical and you can’t catch him. Because every time you try and grab him somebody writes POP! and he’s gone, just like that! He’s pretty smart. That’s why you can never trick him until the last page of the comicbook.
I remember one time you tricked him by making him read the letters in his alphabet soup which turned out to be his name spelt backwords. I thought that was REALLY clever. That’s something I would of thought of. You’re really great, Superman! And Mr. Mxyzptlk! isn’t so bad as you think sometimes. Because EVERYbody likes to do tricks like that. Even me. Like one time I hid in the apple tree and waited for my cousin Connie to walk under and then I peed on her. The reason I did it was because she always told my mom when I ran behind her house and pulled my pants down in front of cars going by. And another time I put a frog down Robert’s pants but I can’t do things like making cars drive up the side of Holy Redeemer School or turning Sister Mary Justin into a wart. So you don’t have to worry.
And since Mr. Mxyzptlk! keeps coming back to this Dimension every 90 days I guess you’ll be busy enough trying to trick him and making him spell his name backwords. And so me and Robert are gonna help you OK? And our first idea is to pretend you are a blind person and you can even dress up like one with sun glasses and everything. And Mr. Mxyzptlk! won’t know it’s really you and so you could ask him to read you a story out of a old comicbook. And you could pick one where you already tricked him into spelling his name backwords. And then when he got to the end he’d disappear. Isn’t that good Ha-Ha?
Your PALS,
Jerry and Robert
PS: If you don’t like that one then we’ll send you another one as soon as we think of it. Which should be pretty soon, so don’t worry.
Dear Superman,
Robert said to tell you that he didn’t really cry very much because Sister Mary Justin only hit him once. And besides it made some more freckles grow when the tears fell allover his face and so now he REALLY looks like
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Jimmy Olsen a hole lot. In fact we was thinking of taking Robert’s picture and sending it to Jimmy Olseri so Jimmy Olsen would open it and say GREAT KRYPTON! HE MUST BE MY TWIN BROTHER! And then maybe Jimmy Olsen might want to meet Robert and so he might ask you to fly him here to Pulpburg. And if you wanted to stay over night then Jimmy could stay with Robert and you could stay at my house because I don’t think my mom would mind too much once she gets a chance to meet you. So what do you think?
ROBERTS FRIEND, JERRY
Dear SUPERMAN,
Me and Robert have been thinking about it and we decided that maybe you and God really should get to meet each other sometime. You see, Sister Mary Justin says God can see everything that’s going on in the world and so can you if you use your X-ray Vision. And Sister Mary Justin says God can be everywhere at once and so can you if you use your Super-speed. I mean, you can go all the way to Mars in only two seconds and that’s pretty god. I mean good. And Sister Mary Justin also says that nothing can kill God except the Jews and all that can kill you is Kryptonite. And that can’t be much worse than the Jews. And just think, some day you might invent a cure for Kryptonite but how can you invent a cure for the Jews?
Of course I never saw a real Jew because we don’t have any here in Pulpburg. We just have Catholics and Italiens and Pollacks and Protestents. And every time my dad comes in from work my mom says YOU’RE DIRTY AS A NIGGER! And so one time when we went to visit my Ant Emma on the train in Buffalo I pointed at the conductor and yelled LOOK, MOM! HE’S DIRTY AS A NIGGER LIKE DAD! And my mom got all red and she said NOW HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO CALL THEM NEGROS, JERRY? And I said YOU AIN’T NEVER TOLD ME! And my mom looked at me just like Sister Mary Justin looks at me. That’s when I learned you’re supposed to call them Negros when you talk in front of them but you can call them Niggers when my dad comes home from work. I think it would be a lot easier if you just called them one thing and then you wouldn’t have to worry about it all the time. But I don’t think anybody else around here thinks like I think you’re supposed to think like.
You see, Superpal, Pulpburg is a pretty small place and everybody knows who you are except they call you by your dad’s name instead of your own. And since my dad’s name is Anthony they all call me Little Tony. Or else they call me Little Buster which is even worse. Or else they don’t even pay any attention to me which is what usually happens. Except when I do something like spitting from the upstairs porch and trying to make it land in the mailman’s pouch when he looked up and I got it on his nose. And then my dad pad a LOT of attention to me.
Anyway, my mom says God talks to nunns and I hope you don’t do that also, Superman. Because you dress a lot better and you’re a lot handsomer and I think your red boots are a LOT nicer than sandels. So I hope you don’t ever decide to grow a beard.
The thing I don’t like about God is how he got murderd by the Jews which is who I was telling you about before the Negros. He couldn’t find a way to excape before they grabbed him and nailed him to a cross in the end. Which wasn’t really the end because he came alive again. Which is pretty good. But I think it would be a lot better if he just got away in the beginning like you got away from Krypton. Maybe what he needed is Super branes like you and me are gonna have except you already have them.
Which just gave me a good idea, Superman.
What you could do is fly faster than the speed of light and crash through the Time Barrier. And you could land in Jeruslum just when they’re gonna nail him to that cross. And you could fly down and all the guards would try to stab you with their speers and their speers would break on your chest and you’d just laugh and say HA-HA IT TICKELS! And then you’d grab Jesus and fly away with him to a safe hiding place like maybe the Duck Rock. And then it would say THE END. And then me and Robert could take the comicbook to school and show Sister Mary Justin. Boy would she be surprised!
LOVE,
Jerry and Robert
DEAR SUPER FRIEND,
After school me and Robert was in Bacchio’s News Stand waiting for Mr. Durrelli to bring the latest SUPERMAN’S PAL JIMMY OLSEN and he was late. And we was really getting worried because maybe he had a accident or something and maybe his truck started on fire and maybe the latest SUPERMAN’S PAL JIMMY OLSEN NO. whatever it was gonna be got all burned up or something. And that would be really awful because then we’d have to wait until they got more in and what if they NEVER got any more in? It was almost four thirdy and that’s why we was so worried because I had to be home by five to dump the garbage and so did Robert. We always have to do things like that and the dishes which I REALLY hate. And if he didn’t come pretty soon then we’d have to wait until tomorrow and I wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight because that’s what happened once before when it snowed a hole lot and Mr. Durrelli’s truck got stuck on Shawmut Avenue and he never got there in time. It was awful. But it wasn’t snowing today and it wasn’t even raining and that’s why we was so worried. And Mrs. Bacchio kept looking at us looking worried. And it was going on five o’clock and Mr. Durrelli still didn’t come and Mrs. Bacchio
was still looking at us and she was smiling. And then she said MY, YOU BOYS MUST SURE LIKE COMICBOOKS.
And Robert said WE SURE DO.
And I said YOU SEE MRS. BACCHIO, WE DON’T REALLY LIKE COMICBOOKS. WE JUST LIKE SUPERMAN AND SUPERGIRL AND SUPERDOG AND JIMMY OLSEN. THAT’S ALL. EXCEPT WE ALSO LIKE SUPERHORSE AND PERRY WHITE AND MA AND PA KENT.
And Robert said WE SURE DO.
And I said YOU SEE, WE DON’T LIKE DONALD DUCK AND LITTLE LULU BECAUSE THEY’RE FOR KIDS AND NOT US. AND BESIDES THEY DON’T FLY OR NOTHING.
And Robert said THEY SURE DON’T.
And I said WE DON’T MIND BATMAN AND WONDER WOMAN AND GREEN LANTERN AND FLASH AND PEOPLE LIKE THAT. BUT YOU SEE, WE DON’T HAVE VERY MUCH MONEY AND SO WE LIKE SUPERMAN THE BEST. THAT’S BECAUSE HE IS THE BEST.
And that’s when Mrs. Bacchio laughed and said YOU KNOW, I KINDA LIKE SUPERMAN MYSELF. And the reason I’m putting in all these BIG letters is so you can tell who’s talking easier. You’re welcome.
And she’s the first big person we ever met who likes Superman, Superman. So I didn’t trust her. And neither did Robert. So I said OK, IF YOU LIKE SUPERMAN THEN YOU MUST KNOW WHAT CAN KILL HIM. SO WHAT IS IT?
And she said JUST ONE THING. KRYPTONITE.
And Robert said HEY, SHE DOES KNOW!
And I said WELL LOTS OF PEOPLE KNOW THAT. So I turned to Mrs. Bacchio and I looked at her for a long time right in her eyes. And I said OK, IF YOU’RE SO SMART THEN TELL ME WHAT SUPERMAN’S REAL NAME IS?
And she said YOU MEAN CLARK KENT?
And I said NO, I MEAN HIS REAL NAME ON KRYPTON THAT HIS REAL MOM AND DAD GAVE HIM BEFORE KRYPTON BLEW UP AND HE CAME TO EARTH IN A ROCKET TO BECOME SUPERBABY AND SOMEDAY SUPERMAN?
And she said THAT’S EASY.
And I said THEN WHAT IS IT?
And she said HIS REAL NAME WAS KAL-EL. AND HIS REAL FATHER’S NAME WAS JOR-EL. AND HIS REAL MOTHER’S NAME WAS LARA.
And Robert said GOSH!
But I didn’t say nothing because I still didn’t trust her. So I asked her a bunch of other questions like HOW DO YOU GET RID OF MR. MXYZPTLK!? And she said MR. WHO? And I said MR. MXYZPTLK! And she said OH, I THOUGHT IT WAS PRONOUNCED MXYZPTLK! And I said WELL ME AND ROBERT SAY MXYZPTLK! And so she told us.
She knew the answers to EVERYTHING, Superman. And she kept smiling at us. And she smiled real nice, just like all the saints on the Holy Cards smile when they look up toward Heaven and a light shines on them. So me and Robert liked her a HOLE LOT. We really really did. We liked her more than any other groan ups we ever met, even the ones we have to like. Like my Ant Hellen who I don’t really like anyway.
And that’s why we hope you’re REALLLLLLLLLLY careful if anybody gives you a gold coin OK? Because now you have to make SURE to save Mrs. Bacchio from that truck that I told you about. I was gonna tell Mrs. Bacchio about that dream, but then I figured I better not because she might get worried like me and Robert was worried about Mr. Durrelli. But then he came in at the last minute Thank God with the comicbooks. So we buyed SUPERMAN’S PAL JIMMY OLSEN and you know what she did? She gave us GIANT SUPERBOY NO. 17 free.
FREE!
So we said THANK YOU MRS. BACCHIO and she said YOU’RE WELCOME BOYS and we ran all the way home and dumped the garbage. And then I sneaked upstairs and started writing you this letter. And pretty soon we’re gonna eat supper. And then I’m going up to Robert’s house and we’re gonna do our homework after we read the comicbooks. After I write you another letter.
So goodby for now.
Your friends,
JERRY and ROBERT
PS: Does Mrs. Bacchio ever write you letters?
DEAR SUPERMAN,
If you want to know why this letter smells like liver that’s because I didn’t wash my hands after supper because I was in a hurry to read the story called THE PUNISHMENT OF SUPERBOY and so I hope you like liver. Especially since you got Super-smell. Boy Superman, I sure liked the way you talked back to Pa Kent when he wouldn’t let you chop the wood with Super-speed. I thought that was REAL dumb. If I was Super then I wouldn’t want to do anything regular either. So I was glad when you told Pa Kent, BUT I WON’T CHOP THAT WOOD LIKE AN ORDINARY BOY. IT’S A WASTE OF MY TIME!
And Pa Kent said, STILL DISOBEDIENT, EH? INTO THE WOODSHED, YOUNG MAN! YOU MUST BE PUNISHED!
And so he grabbed your ear and he took you in and he put you over his knee and he hit you just like my dad always hits me. Which is real hard. Except he forgot you’re invulnerable. And so he said,
THIS WILL HURT ME MORE THAN . . . OWWWW! and he broke his hand. And that’s why I can’t wait till I become indestructable, Superman. This way when my dad hits me like that then he’ll also break his hand too. And I’ll laugh and say, I’M INDESTRUCTABLE, DAD! HA-HA!
And so he’ll say, THEN YOU HAVE TO GO TO BED EARLY WITHOUT WATCHING I LOVE LUCY WHICH IS MY FAVORITEST PROGRAM EXCEPT FOR SUPERMAN. And I’ll say,
THAT’S OK DAD, BECAUSE I CAN SEE THE TELEVISION WITH MY X-RAY VISION ANYWAY. AND I CAN HEAR IT WITH MY SUPER-HEARING. SO GOODNIGHT, DAD. HA-HA!
And so my dad will say, YOU AIN’T GETTING NO MORE ALLOWENCE, YOUNG MAN! I’LL TEACH YOU!
And so I’ll go down in the celler and I’ll get a piece of coal and I’ll press it into a diamond with the Superstrength of my Super hand. And then I’ll fly it down to Nelson Jewlers and sell it for 20 DOLLERS! Which is a LOT more than my real allowence. And I’ll show him just like you showed Pa Kent! He couldn’t punish you because you was SUPERBOY and he was just a ordinary human person. And so he finally said,
I CAN’T HANDLE CLARK AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT, MARTHA. YOU SPOILED HIM! And so Ma Kent said,
DON’T SHIFT THE BLAME ON ME, JONATHAN KENT! HE’S YOUR SON, TOO!
And so Pa Kent picked up his suitcase and left. And Ma Kent picked up her suitcase and left. And so you felt real bad and said,
NOW I’M . . . I’M ALL ALONE . . . CHOKE!
And then you looked at their pictures and you cryed a lot and you said, OH, IF ONLY THEY WOULD COME BACK, I WOULD NEVER BE A BAD BOY AGAIN . . . SOB!
And that’s when they came back.
And that’s how they punished you, by making you feel bad and cry. The only trouble is that I would never feel bad if my mom and dad left me. Especially if they took Buster with them. Because then I wouldn’t have to hide my comicbooks anymore. And I wouldn’t have to go dump the garbage. And I wouldn’t have to worry about Sister Mary Justin anymore because if she called my mom and dad they wouldn’t be there.
And so this is what I’m gonna do when I get Super, Superman.
I’m gonna hide behind the statue of The Virgin Mary in church and wait until Sister Mary Justin comes in to pray. And then I’m gonna pick it up and make it fly allover the place. And Sister Mary Justin won’t know it’s me and she’ll think it’s a miracle. And then I’ll call her a SINNER! only I’ll disguise my voice so it sounds like a Virgin. And then I’ll say,
YOU’RE GONNA GO TO HELL, SISTER MARY JUSTIN! And she’ll get real scared like I always do. And she’ll say,
PLEASE, MARY . . . PLEASE DON’T SEND ME THERE . . . SOB!
And I’ll fly the statue right over her head and I’ll drop it right beside her and I’ll make it crash into a hundred pieces and she’ll put her hands over her head and start crying. And I’ll say,
IT’S TOO LATE, SISTER MARY JUSTIN! HA-HA!
And the other day while we was in church I noticed that the statue wasn’t wearing any shoes and it was stepping on a snake with its bare feet. Sister Mary Justin said sometimes The Devil pretends to be a snake like the time he talked to Adam and Eve. I guess it’s his secret identity but I don’t think it’s a very good one.
So what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna get a REAL snake, Superman. And when I drop the statue then I’m gonna drop the snake too. And she’ll think it came alive and The Devil’s gonna get her. Only I won’t make it a poisonous snake because I don’t want to kill her. I just want to scare her to death.
That’
s why I better learn how to fly pretty soon so I can do it. So on Saturday I’m gonna climb to a higher branch of the apple tree and I’ll see how far I can go and I bet it’ll be REAL far, Superman. But right now I better say Goodby because Robert’s done with our homework and I gotta copy it. I mean borrow it. Next time I’ll do it and he’ll borrow it back. My mom said you shouldn’t borrow nothing unless you return it. I also have to write a letter to Jimmy Olsen for Robert so I better say goodnight. Goodnight.
Your VERYgood pals,
JERRY and ROBERT
DEAR JIMMY OLSEN,
This is a picture of Robert Sipanno standing in front of The Pulpburg Press with his notebook and his freckles. He don’t really work for The Pulpburg Press. He just likes to stand there a lot because when he grows up he wants to be a cub reporter like certain people are. I know you can’t see his freckles very good because I had to stand way across the street so we could get The Pulpburg Press sign in it. But he really does have LOTS of freckles like certain people have. And every time I read Superman comicbooks I keep calling you Jimmy Sipanno and I call him Robert Olsen and that’s because you look so much alike. Except Robert’s a little littler. The only trouble is that Robert is a Italien and you’re not because one time Robert asked his grandma if Olsen was a Italien name and she said it sounded Polish. But except for that you’re almost twins. I thought I should let you know in case you ever wanted to ask Superman to fly you to Pulpburg to meet him. So goodby.
The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel Page 4
