Robert’s Bestfriend,
Mr. Jerry Chariot
PS: We always read all your storys in The Daily Planet and we think you write real good scoops.
DEAR SUPERMAN,
What you could do is you could give Mr. Mxyzptlk! a T-shirt with his name written on it frontwords like it’s supposed to be. And then when he looked in the mirror his name would be spelt backwords because that’s the way mirrors are. And then he would read it and he would disappear back to The Fifth Dimension with all the other imps. How do you like that one?
Your Friends,
JERRY and ROBERT
DEAR SUPERFRIEND,
You see, what happend was Robert raised his hand. And Sister Mary Justin said YES, ROBERT, YOU MAY BE EXCUSED. And Robert said BUT I DON’T HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. And Sister Mary Justin said THEN WHY DID YOU RAISE YOUR HAND? And Robert said BECAUSE I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. And Sister Mary Justin said YOU WANT TO TELL ME SOMETHING? THIS SHOULD BE GOOD. And Robert said WELL, I THINK IT’S GOOD AND SO DOES JERRY, BUT WE DON’T KNOW IF YOU WILL. And Sister Mary Justin looked at me. And then she looked at Robert. And then she said NOW I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD. And Robert tryed to smile but he didn’t do it too good. And then he pulled out the World Book Encyclopedia VOL. 9 out of his desk. And all the kids started whispering. And Sister Mary Justin yelled SIT STILL! And everybody jumped except Albert Ambrozzi. And Robert dropped the book on the floor. And Jimmy Sinceri giggled. And Robert picked it up. And he brought it up to Sister Mary Justin’s desk. And he set it down. And he opened it up. And Sister Mary Justin said WHAT, MAY I ASK, IS THIS? And Robert said IT’S A MAP. And Sister Mary Justin said OF COURSE IT’S A MAP, I CAN SEE THAT. And Robert said OF ILLINOISE. And Sister Mary Justin said ILLINOISE? And Robert said YES, ILLINOISE. And Janie Jobb laughed. And Sister Mary Justin looked at it. And then then she looked at me. And then Robert said SEE THIS DOT? And he pointed to it. And Sister Mary Justin bent down. And Robert looked up. And then Robert said WELL, THAT’S METROPOLIS. And here comes Robert now and he don’t know I’m writing this letter and so I gotta hide it. Goodby.
JERRY
Hello, Superman,
That was close. Whew. Anyway, Sister Mary Justin’s face got all red just like The Devil’s. I swear. And her eyes got REAL big. And nobody in the room said anything. Not even Sister Mary Justin. She just looked at Robert and so did everybody else. And so Robert said THAT’S WHERE and he swollowed some spit THAT’S WHERE SUPERMAN LIVES. And Sister Mary Justin said SUPERMAN! And she said it so loud that even Albert jumped. And then she said SUPERMAN DOES NOT LIVE IN METROPOLIS BECAUSE SUPERMAN DOES NOT LIVE AT ALL! And Robert said BUT IT’S WRITE HERE ON THE MAP. And Sister Mary Justin said THAT IS NOT WHERE SUPERMAN LIVES! And Robert said BUT THE MAP SAYS . . . And Sister Mary Justin pounded her fist down on the map REAL hard and Robert jumped and even Jimmy Sinceri was afraid. And Sister Mary Justin said HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SUPERMAN? And Robert said No. And Sister Mary Justin said HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO METROPOLIS? And Robert said Not yet. And Sister Mary Justin said THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW THEY EXIST? And Robert said Because I just know. And Sister Mary Justin said THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE! And Robert was gonna say something but he couldn’t because he was biting his nails and crying. And Sister Mary Justin grabbed his hand and said DON’T BITE YOUR NAILS! and she hit it. Hard. I could tell it hurt. And Robert looked at his red hand. And then he looked at Sister Mary Justin’s red face. And then he started to yell. REALLY yell. Yell and cry at the same time. I never saw him like that before. I don’t know what happend to him. But he yelled HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO HEAVEN, HUH? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN HEAVEN? And Sister Mary Justin just looked at him. And he started to run for the door. And he was still crying. And Sister Mary Justin said COME BACK HERE YOUNG MAN! And Robert opened the door. And he turned around. And he looked Sister Mary Justin right in the eyes. And he said I BET YOU AIN’T NEVER EVEN SEEN GOD!
And he ran out.
And he ran all the way home.
And he told his mom how he never wanted to go to Holy Redeemer School again. And he was still crying. And you know what, Superman? His mom never even hit him. And neither did his dad. But they made him go back to Holy Redeemer School. But first they went in to talk to Sister Mary Justin. And Robert’s mom was REAL mad. That’s why she decided to have a drink before she went in and told Sister Mary Justin that if she EVER hits their son again then they’re gonna sue her and the hole convent. I mean holy convent. And so now Sister Mary Justin REALLLLLLY hates Robert only she can’t hit him. And so that’s even worse. And Robert’s mother’s name is Elizabeth. And she lets us call her Elizabeth and not Mrs. Sipanno. Except Robert. He calls her mom. And every Saturday night Elizabeth gets drunk. She used to get drunk on Friday night but then her father who was Robert’s grandfather happend to die on a Friday night and so now she gets drunk on Saturday night. And last Saturday night she got REAL drunk and she said THOSE GOD DAM NUNNS! THEY CAN’T HIT MY BOY! And she grabbed Robert and she kissed him. NOT MY BOY. And you know what I wish sometimes, Superman? I wish my mom would get drunk sometimes. But she don’t.
Goodby.
Just,
Jerry
PS: Robert don’t know I wrote you this letter because then he’d feel REAL bad and he wouldn’t talk to me ever again. But I figure if he don’t know I wrote it then he can’t feel bad. And since you never write back anyway, I don’t have to worry about it. So if you ever decide to write us a letter, please don’t mention it. Thanks, Man of Steel.
DEAR SUPERMAN,
You see, my mom’s got this towel which is REAL old and it’s got a hole in it and so I figured she won’t miss it. And what I did was I got a Magic Marker and I put a S on the back of it and that stands for Super Jerry. I wanted to put SJ on it but then Robert said that might stand for Sister Mary Justin and so we just put a S on it like yours. I hope you don’t mind. And I usually climb to the second branch but this time I climbed to the third. And I put my hands out in front of me. And Robert said ARE YOU READY?
And I said YES.
And Robert said I’LL COUNT TO THREE OK?
And he did.
And I flew REAL good, Superman. Only I didn’t land too good and that’s why my foot still hurts. Only I can’t tell my mom because she’ll get mad because I wasn’t supposed to be up that high. Especially with a cape on. So Robert said maybe I should become indestructable before I learn how to fly and this way I won’t get hurt just in case I don’t do it. But you just wait, Superman. I’ll do it. You’ll see. I KNOW I’ll do it because I REALLY want to, Superman. You’ll see.
GETTING SUPER,
JERRY
Dear SUPERMAN,
The other day my brother Buster asked me who I liked better than anybody else in the hole world. The reason he asked me was because he wanted me to ask him the same question back. Because Buster is a lot older than me and so he likes girls and he likes this one girl named Mary Louise quite a bit. So he wanted to tell me how he likes her more than ANYBODY in the hole world even though she’s got a bigger nose than he’s got. And so I said SUPERMAN. And he said WHAT? And I said I LIKE SUPERMAN BETTER THAN ANYBODY ELSE IN THE HOLE WORLD. And he said YOU MUST BE A QUEER. And I said WHAT’S A QUEER? And he said BOYS ARE SUPPOSED TO LIKE GIRLS NOT BOYS. LIKE ME. I LIKE MARY LOUISE. BOY DO I LIKE MARY LOUISE. MAYBE I EVEN LOVE HER. And I said WHAT’S A QUEER? again. And he said THAT’S A BOY WHO LIKES OTHER BOYS. THAT’S A SISSIE. And I said I AIN’T NO SISSIE! And he said YES YOU ARE IF YOU LIKE SUPERMAN. And I said NO I AIN’T! And he said SISSIEEEEEEEEEE! And I said WELL I THINK SUPERMAN IS BETTER THAN MARY LOUISE ANY DAY. SHE’S GOT A BIG NOSE AND SHE’S ALWAYS GOT PIMPELS ON HER CHIN. And Buster said DON’T SAY THAT ABOUT MARY LOUISE! I LOVE HER! And I said WELL IT’S TRUE. And he got real mad and hit me real hard. And then he called me a queer again. And then he said Superman’s probly a queer too. And then he walked away.
And so me and Robert talked about it quite a bit and then we decided to ask Robert’s big brother Bruno
what a queer was and Bruno said it was something REAL bad and we couldn’t find out about it until after we got older. And Robert said WHY? And Bruno said BECAUSE IT’S A SIN and so he couldn’t even talk about it. And Sister Mary Justin never told us about that sin before so maybe we should ask her about it. Except Robert won’t do it and I don’t think I will either. But we figure if it’s REAL bad then you can’t be one. Not you, Superman. You’re perfect. And since you’re perfect, you must know what a queer is. So what is it please? Thank you very much.
YOUR FRIENDS,
JERRY and ROBERT
DEAR SUPERMAN,
The other day in Religion class Sister Mary Justin told us a story about a little kid who was gonna make his First Holy Communion. So first he had to make his First Holy Confession so he could tell the priest all his sins and be forgiven. Which he did. Except he forgot one of them on purpose because it was a MORTAL SIN and he was afraid.
And when it came time to make his First Holy Communion and he was all dressed up in his brand new First Holy Communion suit and he was on his way to the church with his mom and dad and everybody else in his entire family, that’s when he started thinking about that Mortal Sin which was crawling around inside of him like a snake.
And then it came time to make his First Holy Communion and EVERY seat in the church was filled and some people were even standing and he walked up to the alter and he knelt down and he closed his eyes and everybody watched as he stuck out his tongue like you’re supposed to do when the priest is gonna give it to you. And then the priest gave it to him. And then you know what happend, Superman?
He felt something real hot in his mouth. So he opened his eyes and there was blood dripping allover his chin and his neck and his brand new First Holy Communion suit. It was the blood of The Baby Jesus and it meant he was gonna go to HELL for sure. That’s what Sister Mary Justin said. She said our sins drive NAILS into The Baby Jesus if we don’t confess them. She looked right at me when she said that.
That’s why I GOTTA find out if I’m a queer, Superman. Because if I am and if it’s a Mortal Sin, then what’s gonna
happen when me and Robert make our First Holy Communion? Because I figure if I’m a queer then Robert’s probly one too. Goodby.
Your Friends,
JERRY CHARIOT and ROBERT
You see, Superman,
Sister Mary Justin said one Mortal Sin is worse than a HUNDRED venial sins because a venial sin is just a little one like telling a lie or not doing your own homework. But a Mortal Sin is a BIG one like murdering somebody or not going to Mass on Sunday. And Robert said CAN WE GO TO ANOTHER CHURCH INSTEAD OF MASS? And Sister Mary Justin said NO, YOU HAVE TO GO TO MASS OR ELSE IT’S A MORTAL SIN! So that means all the Protestents and Negros and everybody else is going to Hell. And so are the queers maybe. Except we’re not too sure. But Robert said we better make sure Superman’s a Catholic just in case he runs into a piece of Kryptonite and goes to Hell. It’d be really AWFUL if we ended up in Heaven or someplace else without you, Superman. That’s why I’m sending you my Catechism because it explains EVERYTHING you need to know about to become a real Catholic just in case you’re not already. So if you are, please pass it on to Supergirl if she needs it. Or else you could give it to Jimmy Olsen. But we don’t think you should give it to Lois Lane even if she’s a Protestent.
Your Pals,
Jerry AND Robert
Dear Superman,
Me and Robert can’t stop thinking about it and we decided that it don’t matter if you go to Hell or not because the flames can’t hurt you anyway because you’re indestructable even after you die. And then if you wanted, you could fly to Heaven and visit me and Robert and Jimmy Olsen for a while. And since everybody in Heaven would already be happy and have wings and everything then they wouldn’t need you anyway. So you could go back to Hell and use your Super-breath to cool off all those people down there because they sure could use it. That’s what Robert Sipanno said. He said God probly doesn’t even want, you to become a Catholic. He probly WANTS you to go to Hell and save people after you die. So why don’t you give my Catechism to Jimmy Olsen and tell him Robert said HI. Goodby.
JERRY CHARIOT and ROBERT SIPANNO
PS: Besides, if you went to Hell then Mr. Mxyzptlk! would never go there to bother you because NOBODY wants to go to Hell. Not even a imp.
DEAR SUPERMAN,
The other day my mom caught Buster doing something he wasn’t supposed to be doing with his Thing. He was in the bedroom doing it when my mom walked in and he didn’t know it until she started yelling. BOY did she yell! I don’t know exactly what Buster was doing but I heard my mom and dad whispering about it later. My mom told my dad how Buster was looking at a picture of Mary Louise Wesson while he was doing it. And then she started crying. And my dad said ALL KIDS DO IT AT PUBERTY. And I don’t know what puberty is but it must be something in the bedroom because that’s where he was doing it at. And so my mom said IT’S NOT NORMEL! And when I heard that I figured maybe it was a good chance to find out what a queer was. So I said MAYBE IT’S QUEER and my mom and dad looked up. I guess they didn’t know I was listening. But BOY did they get mad, Superman! Especially my mom. She didn’t even wait for my dad to get up and hit me. She did it herself. Then she said I was a ROTTEN LITTLE BRAT and she smacked me right across the face. Real hard. Then she told me to get out of her site, RIGHT THIS INSTANT, DO YOU HEAR ME YOUNG MAN? So I went to look for Buster because I figured since we’re BOTH in trouble then maybe he’d like me a little more now. But he didn’t because when I asked him what he was doing with his Thing he said GET LOST! And then he hit me across the face like my mom did. And that’s why I don’t like groan ups, Superman. Except Mrs. Bacchio. Because groan ups always yell at you and hit you and tell you what you have to do all the time. And you can’t do nothing about it. Not until you get big enough to hit somebody like Buster hits me sometimes. Because then you’re not so little anymore because somebody else is littler because everybody wants to be bigger than somebody, Superman. But not me. I want to be bigger than EVERYBODY. I want to be
Your friend,
SUPER-JERRY
PS: And someday I will.
DEAR SUPERMAN,
Just in case you don’t know what a Thing is that’s the Thing you pee out of. Except you don’t have to pee because you’re Super. But I do. And so that’s what a Thing is. And I wonder if that’s what Buster was doing, peeing in the bedroom? I wouldn’t like it either if I was my mom. But I’m not. I’m just me. So what do you think?
Your Pal Jerry Again
PS: Since you don’t have to pee because you’re Super then maybe you don’t have a Thing. But if you didn’t have a Thing then you’d be a girl. But you’re not a girl. You’re Superman. And if you don’t pee out of it, then what do you do with it? Robert said maybe it has a special power like your eyes have X-ray Vision. Is that it?
Dear SUPERPAL,
The other day guess what? Well, Sister Mary Justin noticed I didn’t have my Catechism and so she asked me where it was? And I said I gave it to a friend so he wouldn’t go to Hell. And she said YOU WHAT? And I said he wasn’t a Catholic and he wanted to become one and so I gave it to him. And you know what, Superman? She thought that was real nice. She really did. She even smiled at me which she never did before. And then she asked me who I gave it to? And I said it’s a secret. And she said maybe she could go talk to him and help him become a Catholic so who is it? And I said I better not tell you. And she stopped smiling and she said I might go to Hell because maybe she might be able to save him and I’ll stop her SO TELL ME, JEROME! So I knew it’d be just as bad if I didn’t tell her as if I did tell her. So I told her. And that’s why the rest of this story is just like the other ones only I didn’t cry, Superman. So maybe I’m getting used to it. Or else maybe I’m getting Super like you. I sure hope so.
YOUR FRIEND JERRY and Robert
PS: We’ve been looking pretty close at the comicbooks and we even got a magnifyin
g glass that Robert’s brother Bruno uses for his coin collection. And it don’t look like your Thing is very Super but I can’t really tell since you always wear a swimming suit over your leotards. And so is it? I told Robert it MUST be but we’re not very sure.
Dear Man of Steel,
Yesterday in Religion class Sister Mary Justin said men are better than women because Eve listened to The Devil first when he pretended to be a snake. And then Adam listened to Eve. And so they both got in trouble. And that’s why women aren’t good enough to be priests and so they have to be nunns. And that’s why girls can’t be alterboys. And that’s why God had a son and not a daughter. And that’s why God the Father isn’t God the Mother. And I don’t know what the Holy Ghost is because Sister Mary Justin said he’s a bird and not a person. But you know what I’m beginning to think, Superman?
I’m beginning to think that Things must be more importent than anything else. Even souls. Because women are allowed to have souls too. I think. And you know what else I think? I think the BIGGER your Thing is then the stronger you are. I mean, look at women—they don’t have any Thing and that’s why they’re so weak. And look at my dad. His Thing is a LOT bigger than Buster’s and that’s why he’s stronger. And Buster’s Thing is bigger than mine and that’s why he’s stronger. And so your Thing must be the BIGGEST Thing in the world, Superman, because you’re stronger than ANYBODY.
The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel Page 5
