And me and Robert thought you was a gonner for sure this time. And so did you, Superman. You was laying on the floor and starting to turn all green and your forehead was real sweaty. And The Kryptonite Kid was laughing and saying,
“TRY TO GET UP! JUST TRY! HA-HA! MY DOG AND I HAVE CHANGED OURSELVES INTO KRYPTONITE! YOU WOULDN’T LEAVE EARTH, DESPITE MY WARNING, SO NOW YOU MUST DIE!’’
And you said, “THE PAIN . . . GHASTLY . .
And we was REALLY AFRAID, Superman. We was so afraid that we couldn’t even turn the page. So we decided to flip a coin and Robert lost. Except he said maybe we better say a prayer first and this way everything would turn out allright.
But I said it wouldn’t make no difference anyway because whatever was gonna happen had already hap-pend.
Except Robert said maybe God had looked into the future to see if we was gonna do it. And if we WAS gonna say a prayer for Superman then maybe he would make everything come out OK because that’s the way God works sometimes.
So finally we decided to say three Hail Marys just in case. And also one Our Father Who Art In Heaven. Then we both put a hand on the page and turned it together, Superman. And that’s when somebody came to save you just in time Thank God and you’ll NEVER guess who it was?
It was MXYZPTLK!—the prank-playing imp from The Fifth Dimension!
“YOU BET IT’S ME!” the imp said. “YOU OUTWITTED ME THE LAST TIME WE MET, REMEMBER, AND I VOWED TO GET EVEN, YOU SUPER-CRUMB, YOU!”
And then Mr. Mxyzptlk! used his magical powers to send The Kryptonite Kid to The Fifth Dimension where he couldn’t kill you anymore. And then he changed everything back to normel so there wouldn’t be anymore Kryptonite around for a while. And you couldn’t figure out why he did it because you thought he HATED you, Superman.
Which he does.
And so if you was dead then he couldn’t make you miserable anymore. And then he wouldn’t have anymore fun.
So it’s a GOOD thing he hates you so much because he don’t hate you as much as The Kryptonite Kid did. And that’s why you better be nice to Mr. Mxyzptlk! and let him torment you for a while. Because if The Kryptonite Kid ever excapes from The Fifth Dimension then you’re gonna need all the help you can get.
So goodby.
YOUR FRIENDS,
JERRY and ROBERT
PS: Maybe you should change your mind about killing people. Because someday somebody’s gonna kill you unless you kill them first. It’s OK if you kill somebody as long as they try to kill you before you try to kill them. That’s what me and Robert think. So why don’t you think about it also? Please.
DEAR MR. MXYZPTLK!
I hope you don’t mind if me and Robert Sipanno write you a letter but we just wanted to say THANK YOU VERY MUCH for saving Superman’s life from The Kryptonite Kid. We thought that was REAL nice. And we know how you hate to be nice but we still like you quite a bit anyway. So if you ever decide to come to Pulpburg then you don’t have to worry about spelling your name backwords. We promise we won’t trick you. So THANK YOU VERY MUCH again.
Your Friends,
MR. CHARIOT! and MR. SIPANNO!
PS: We hope this letter gets to you OK because we don’t know if the mailman delivers letters to The Fifth Dimension or not. In fact, we don’t even know where The Fifth Dimension is because we live in The Fourth Dimension. I think. But we’re gonna send it AIRMAIL just in case. Goodby.
Dear SUPERPAL,
The other day I saw another rock with Kryptonite in it and I told Robert. So we broke it open and I was right again. It was all green inside. And so I looked around some more and I found another one and we cracked it open and it was green also. So now we know why you never fly around Pulpburg—because there’s so much Kryptonite around! But don’t worry, we’ll get rid of it for you and then you can come and see us if you want. And I sure hope there isn’t any red or silver or white Kryptonite around. Or gold.
So maybe I better check.
Goodby.
JERRY CHARIOT
and ROBERT SIPANNO
PS: You know what Robert said, Superman? Robert said maybe he should call me THE KRYPTONITE KID because I keep finding Kryptonite allover the place especially near the Duck Rock. But I said YOU BETTER NOT! and Robert said WHY? and I said BECAUSE THE KRYPTONITE KID WAS REAL BAD AND HE TRIED TO KILL SUPERMAN AND I WOULD NEVER TRY TO KILL NOBODY EXCEPT MAYBE MY DAD. Except Robert said I could still be THE KRYPTONITE KID except I’d be a GOOD kid instead of the REAL kid. So what do you think?
Dear MAN OF STEEL,
Today in church we was practicing how to go to confession and Sister Mary Justin was pretending she was the priest. And she said we had to go on the other side of the booth and tell her ALL our sins just like we’re supposed to tell the REAL priest when we make our First Holy Confession. Which is why we was practicing. And she told Janie Jobb to write down anybody’s name who talks while she’s in the booth because Janie Jobb ALWAYS gets to do that. Because she don’t even care that everybody HATES her except Sister Mary Justin. And pretty soon it was my turn to go in the booth and kneel down on the other side of the curtain and make the Sign of the Cross and tell her all the bad stuff I been doing lately. So I decided to put a handkerchief over my mouth like I saw on TV one time and this way she wouldn’t know it was me and she might think it’s Jimmy Sinceri who’s a queer. And she said YOU’RE WHAT?
And I said MY BROTHER SAID I WAS A QUEER.
And she said DO YOU KNOW WHAT A QUEER IS?
And I said NOT EXACTLY.
And she said WELL YOU BETTER NEVER FIND OUT BECAUSE IT’S A SIN!
And I said WELL DO YOU THINK I’M A QUEER?
And she said SHUT UP, JEROME!
And I wondered how she knew it wasn’t Jimmy.
So I said I GOTTA FIND OUT WHAT A QUEER IS SO I CAN BE CAREFUL IN CASE I MIGHT BECOME ONE.
And she said RETURN TO YOUR PEW, JEROME!
And I said IF I BECOME A QUEER THEN IT’S YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOU WON’T TELL ME WHAT IT IS AND NEITHER WILL ANYBODY ELSE!
And she didn’t say nothing and I could hear her breathing real heavy on the other side of the curtain and so I knew she was mad. That’s why I went back to my pew and thought about it for a LONG time. And I decided a sin can’t be a sin if you don’t know it’s a sin. And so a queer can’t be a queer if nobody knows he’s a queer. Especially if the queer don’t know he’s a queer. And I wonder how many queers are running around who don’t know it? I bet there must be LOTS of them. What do you think, Superman?
Love,
JERRY THE KID
PS: When I get SUPER maybe I could put KK on my indestructable outfit instead of S. And I could have a green outfit instead of a blue one like yours. This way everybody wouldn’t get us mixed up when they looked up in the sky and said LOOK! UP IN THE SKY! IT’S A BIRD! IT’S A PLANE! NO, IT’S THE KRYPTONITE KID! So what do you think?
Dear Superman,
You know what we did? We snuck in Bacchio’s and we told Mrs. Bacchio how she’s REAL nice and REAL pretty and we like her a HOLE LOT. And we told her how my mom said that we couldn’t ever go in there ever again. And we told her how it wasn’t our fault and we’ll write her letters if it’s OK and here’s a pansy which we picked in my mom’s garden. And she took the flower and she smiled real pretty and she cryed at the same time. And she grabbed our heads and she rubbed our hair and she put her arms around our shoulders and she cryed some more. Then she gave us two free comicbooks and she said Thank You and she was still crying. And we’re the ones who should’ve said Thank You but we didn’t because she said it first. So we said Your Welcome Mrs. Bacchio. Then we left while she was still crying. That’s exactly the way it happend.
YOUR PALS,
JERRY AND ROBERT
PS: Robert said the reason you haven’t come to talk to Mrs. Bacchio yet was because there might be some Kryptonite around Bacchio’s News Stand and that’s why we’re gonna check it out for you OK? Goodby.
Dear Mrs. Bacchio,
/>
You’re the only person we ever wrote a letter to except for Superman and Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen and Mr. Mxyzptlk! And the main reason we’re writing is because we forgot to tell you how we want you to check around your store for Kryptonite the next time you decide to clean it. And if you find any then maybe you should bury it. And also we wanted to say THANK YOU VERY MUCH for the comicbooks and also for everything’ else. Especially everything else.
Your Friends,
Jerry Chariot and Robert Sipanno
PS: Say HI to Mr. Durrelli the next time you see him OK?
DEAR MAN FROM KRYPTON,
Well, so far we found sixteen pieces of green Kryptonite and two pieces of red Kryptonite and four pieces of gold Kryptonite and we hurried them all. And every time I find another piece of Kryptonite I always wash my hands REAL good after I bury it. That’s so I won’t get any of it on this letter or any other letter we write. I just thought you might want to know that just in case you’re afraid to open our letters sometimes.
Your Friends,
THE KRYPTONITE KID and ROBERT
DEAR SUPERMAN,
The other day me and Robert went over to Bacchio’s after school because we wanted to check for that Kryptonite. Only we couldn’t go inside because my mom said so. So we was checking the outside and you’ll never guess who came by? It was my dad. He was beeping the horn and yelling and so Robert went home. But I had to go over to the car because he’s my dad. And he said WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? And I said Robert lost something and I was helping him find it. And I really hated lieing but I really had to. You understand. So my dad made me get in the car and he said he was taking me home. Only he had to stop at the Italien Club first. And I said WHY? And he said BECAUSE IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. So when we got to the Italien Club he said I had to wait in the car because he would only be a couple of minutes. So I waited. And waited. And then I started reading my Catechism (which is really Robert’s Catechism) because I didn’t have any comicbooks with me. And I read QUESTION NO. 4 which is
4. WHAT MUST YOU DO TO BE HAPPY WITH GOD IN HEAVEN?
To be happy with God in Heaven I must know Him, love Him and serve Him in this world. Most of all, I must love Him. We give gifts to those we love. I must make my life a gift to God. I must love God more than I love myself. I must love God more than anybody else. I must love God above all things. It doesn’t matter that I can’t see Him or feel Him. Or touch him. Or fly with Him, or to Him. Still I must love Him, even if I must hate somebody else because they don’t. Because they do things with Mr. Durrelli. Still I must love Him more than myself. My self? HA-HA! Amen.
And I know that’s not what it says exactly because it would NEVER say anything like that. But I didn’t have anything else to do because my dad was SURE taking a long time, Superman. And I was tired of reading my Catechism and the car radio was broke. And that’s why I decided to write you a letter and let you know what happend the other day when Sister Mary Justin wanted to hear some more sins and I said I DON’T HAVE ANY.
And she said WHAT?
And I said I DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT SINS ARE ANYMORE.
And she said WELL DON’T YOU EVER LIE?
And I said JUST SOMETIMES.
And she said WELL LIEING IS A SIN.
And I said WELL EVERYTIME I TELL THE TRUTH I GET HIT. BUT IF I LIE THEN I DON’T. SO I LIKE LIEING BETTER.
So Sister Mary Justin said WELL GOD DOESN’T, SO YOU BETTER TELL THE TRUTH FROM NOW ON.
So I said OK. But when I said that I lied. This way she’ll think I’m telling the truth. But if I told the truth all the time then she’d know how much I lie. And it’s better I tell her what she wants to hear than if I tell her the truth. Because then she’ll think I’m a good kid. I do what I’m told. I’m sitting in the car waiting. Just waiting. Which is why I’ve GOT to do something, Superman. Because it’s getting dark out and I know my mom will be wondering where I am. Because I was supposed to go dump the garbage a LONG time ago. And it’s bad enough my dad’s mad at me for being with Robert at Bacchio’s. I don’t want my mom mad at me for being with my dad at the Italien Club. So I got two choices, Superman: Go in or go home.
So I went in.
My dad was sitting on a stool at the bar. There was only a couple other people inside who were standing beside my dad. Who was sitting. And there was also another person way down at the other end sitting by himself. And singing to himself. But you couldn’t hear what he was singing very good because his head was in his arms. And his arms were on the edge of the bar. And the bar looked just like the ones you see in GUNSMOKE all the time on TV. Except nobody was wearing cowboy hats. In fact nobody was wearing any hats at all, except for the man who kept singing and burping. He was wearing a helmet like you wear when you want to build a building. And he also had a lunch bucket next to his elbow on the bar. And there was a bowling machine over in the corner which was making a LOT of noise because somebody was playing with it.
It was Robert’s father.
So I just stood by the door and watched everybody for a while. But my dad didn’t see me. He was talking to the bar tender who was giving him another beer. So I waited. And nobody saw me yet. So I waited some more. And the man started singing louder. And somebody told him to shut the Hell up. So I started going into the room and that’s when the bar tender saw me. So he pointed. And my dad turned around. And so did Robert’s father who was bowling. And Robert’s father said WELL IF IT ISN’T LITTLE BUSTER. And I really hated that. So he grabbed me by the shoulder and he brought me over to my dad and he picked me up and he put me on a stool. Right next to my dad.
And the bar tender said WHAT’LL IT BE, KID? And everybody laughed. And somebody said GIVE HIM A BEER, SAM! And everybody laughed louder. And my dad’s eyes were all red but he wasn’t mad. He looked like he didn’t feel very good. Somebody poked him on the shoulder and said, HEY, YOUR KID’S LOOKING FOR YOU! And everybody laughed and somebody said WHERE’S YOUR MAMA, KID? HA-HA! And my dad burped. And the man way at the end started laughing and singing real loud. And what he was singing was THERE’S NOooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOO PLACE LIKE HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME! HA-HA! So my dad just looked at me. And then he said You better go wait in the car. And everybody laughed again. And somebody said HE’LL BE RIGHT OUT, KID! and everybody laughed louder. And so I walked towards the door and I looked back and everybody waved and laughed. Except my dad. He didn’t do nothing. He just sat there.
He didn’t come outside for a long time because I waited. And waited. And then I walked home all by myself in the dark. And when I got home my mom was crying again. Only she wasn’t mad or anything. Not at me. But she called the Italien Club and they said he wasn’t there. But my mom knew he was. Because I told her. But she just said WELL IF HE COMES IN TELL HIM TO COME HOME and she hung up. And then she gave me a sandwich and some milk. And then she said it’s time to go to bed. And then she started crying again. She was crying real soft but I could hear her all the way from my bedroom. She cryed for a long time. Until I fell asleep. And then I had another dream.
I dreamed I was walking into a bar that looked just like the Italian Club. Only I wasn't little anymore. I was big. Like my dad. I sat down on a stool and the bar tender said HI'YA, JER and I said HI’YA, SAM and then I said GIMME A BEER and he did. And there was somebody way at the end of the bar who was burping and singing to himself. I couldn't tell who it was, but he looked a lot like Robert Sipanno. Except I wasn't sure because he was wearing a helmet. A soldier's helmet. And his head was in his arms and his arms were on the bar. And so was his gun. He was fingering it mechanically, like rosary beads. So I looked at Sam and I said WHO'S THAT OVER THERE? And Sam said I DUNNO, HE JUST CAME IN OUT OF NOWHERE. So I picked up my beer and I walked down the bar and I stood right next to him. ROBERT? I said. But he didn't look up. ROBERT? ITS ME—JERRY. He was still sort of singing but he wouldn't look up and that's when he started laughing, high and screechy like a girl, laughing and crying and singing at the s
ame time. So I grabbed his helmet. I started pulling his head up. But allofasudden he jerked around quickly, fiercely—like a bullet he sprang forward and attacked me and I knew it was Robert. I KNEW it! It didn't matter that his face was covered with blood and he didn't have any eyes and there was a statue of the Virgin Mary in his pocket, crying. It didn't matter because nothing mattered.
Because I woke up.
Everything was quiet, Superman. Except for my dad. He was snoring on the couch because my mom locked the bedroom door. And Buster was talking in his sleep like he always does about Mary Louise. So I couldn’t go back to sleep.
I tried, but I couldn’t.
So I decided to get out a piece of paper and write you a letter about Robert, my BEST friend. The only person who really understands me and helps me and loves me, Superman.
He says I have X-ray Vision and I can find Kryptonite. BOY can I find it! ALLover the place!
He stands beneath that apple tree and smiles, then laughs as I fly into the sky like a plane, my arms out in front of me, my cape flapping behind me—flying higher, making loops, snatching an apple from the uppermost branch: HERE, ROBERT, CATCH!—then shooting straight up like a rocket, like a streak of light: WATCH THIS, ROBERT! LOOK, ROBERT! I’M FLYYYYYYYYYYYYING!
The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel Page 9
