I figure when I get SUPER then I’ll be able to do what you do. Which means that I can be everywhen all at once too. Which means I might also be God if you’re God. Except Sister Mary Justin said there’s only ONE God so maybe I might be The Baby Jesus. Because he’s also God even if there’s only one God. Which I don’t really understand yet but there’s LOTS of things I don’t understand yet.
But if I get Super like you then FOR SURE I’ll be able to fly into the past and be The Baby Jesus. Which means I might of done it already. Which means I might be The Baby Jesus right now only I don’t know it yet. And I’d sure like to be the Son of God if you’re God, Superman. But if you’re not then I don’t want to be either. And if I REALLY am The Baby Jesus, then do you think my mom is The Virgin Mary?
Your friends,
JERRY AND ROBERT again
DEAR SUPER-FRIEND,
The other day my mom found my latest SUPERBOY NO. 191 which was hid in my notebook. And I thought she was gonna get mad because I was reading about Superman again. But she didn’t. She got mad because I bought it at Bacchio’s News Stand. Which is what I told her when she said WHERE DID YOU GET THIS? And then she said DON’T YOU DARE BUY A COMICBOOK THERE EVER AGAIN! And she was really yelling. And I said CAN I BUY SOME BUBBLEGUM? And she said I could never buy NOTHING there ever again as long as I live. And I said WHAT IF I DIDN’T BUY NOTHING? WHAT IF I JUST TALKED TO MRS. BACCHIO? And that’s when she REALLY got mad, Superman. And she told me how Mrs. Bacchio was a EVIL WOMAN and how she’s LIVING IN SIN and how I should NEVER talk to her ever again.
And I said BUT I LIKE MRS. BACCHIO A HOLE LOT!
And she said YOU BETTER LISTEN TO ME YOUNG MAN!
And I said WHY?
And she said BECAUSE I SAID SO!
And I said WHAT IF I DON’T? and so she hit me. And she said that’s just a SAMPLE of what I’m gonna get if she ever catches me in Bacchio’s ever again. And then she called Elizabeth Sipanno on the telephone. And so now Robert isn’t allowed in Bacchio’s either. And Robert asked his mom WHY? and she said BECAUSE PEOPLE MIGHT TALK.
And he said ABOUT WHAT? and she said YOU’RE TOO YOUNG TO UNDERSTAND.
And he said IT ISN’T FAIR! and she said DO AS YOU’RE TOLD!
So now we’re gonna have to go to Starita’s. Which is a drugstore. Which is the only other place that sells comicbooks. Which we don’t like very much because Mr. Starita keeps yelling at us and telling us to hurry up and how he don’t like kids hanging around his store all the time. Which is why you GOTTA do something, Superman. Because Mrs. Bacchio is the only groan up we REALLY like but she’s the only groan up the other groan ups really hate. Because we don’t know why yet.
ROBERT and JERRY CHARIOT
Dear Superman,
You know what I don’t think? I don’t think my mom’s The Virgin Mary. Because a Virgin is a woman who finds out she’s gonna have a baby before she gets merried. And the way she finds out is that a angel tells her while she’s down on her knees praying. That’s what me and Robert Sipanno think. But we’re not too sure because Bruno who is Robert’s big brother wouldn’t tell us. He said we’re too little to find out about Virgins. Just like we’re too little to find out about queers and Mrs. Bacchio and stuff like that. And then the angel tells her that she’s supposed to go out and find a husband like Saint Joseph. Because women aren’t allowed to have babys all by themselves. Because we don’t know why. Not exactly. But we think it’s because babys are supposed to have fathers to hit them. And so if a woman has a baby who don’t have a father then everybody talks about her.
Especially Veronica nextdoor.
And you know what I don’t think, Superman? I don’t think the sin is having the baby. I think the sin is not having the father. Or not having a angel to tell you who the father is gonna be. Or something like that. And so I decided to ask my mom about babys and who makes them and allthat. And I didn’t even care that Veronica was still there. And my mom said that God does. Which is what Sister Mary Justin said. So I said WELL, DOES GOD PUT THEM IN YOUR STOMICK?
And that’s when my mom looked at me like she was gonna be mad. And then she took a deep breath. And then she looked at me like she wasn’t gonna be mad. And then she said YES, HE DOES.
And I said WELL HOW DO YOU KNOW?
And she said WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
And I said WHO TOLD YOU THAT GOD PUT A BABY IN YOUR STOMICK? WAS IT A ANGEL? THAT’S HOW THE VIRGIN MARY FOUND OUT, YOU KNOW.
And she looked at Veronica and sort of smiled. And then she said WELL I WOULDN’T EXACTLY CALL IT A ANGEL. And Veronica burst out laughing. A lot. And then Veronica said BUT IT SURE WAS HEAVEN. And then they both started laughing. And I said I DON’T UNDERSTAND. And Veronica said YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO. And my mom said WE’LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER. And so that means we’re NEVER supposed to talk about it ever again. But I wonder what she did see if it wasn’t a angel? And so does Robert. And so we hope you’ll tell us this time. Thank you.
Your pal,
JERRY CHARIOT
PS: When I get to be God you know what I’m gonna do first? I’m gonna get rid of Hell by using my Super-breath to blow out all the flames. And then I’ll take all the people in Hell and fly them to Purgatory because I don’t think ANYBODY’S that bad that they should stay in Hell. Except maybe Buster and Sister Mary Justin and Veronica next-door. And Olivia Mariotti and Jimmy Sinceri and Old Lady Holbrook. And maybe my mom. And so maybe we should have a special place for them. What do you think?
J.C. again
Dear SUPERMAN,
The other day I went to visit my sister the nunn who lives in Erie, Pencilvania, with all the other nunns who aren’t really nunns yet. They’re kinda like cub scouts who want to be boy scouts but they can’t yet. And that’s why I can only go there once every four months for two hours in the afternoon sometimes. And so can my mom and my dad and Buster and my baby brother who isn’t even borned yet. He gets in with my mom. And we have to sit in a big garden where all the familys of all the other almost-nunns have to sit with us. Except they sit by themselfs on their own benchs. And we have to talk REAL quiet because all the older nunns are inside praying and himing. It sounds just like a hospitel which is where you go when you want to see everybody who’s sick. Except nunns aren’t sick. They’re holy. And they make you stay in the garden and you can NEVER go inside unless you have to pee.
Which usually I do.
So we have to tip-toe so we don’t bother anybody. And when you get inside everything’s so quiet that you can hear your tip-toes squeeking on the floor. Which is all shiny because nunns must clean all the time except when they’re praying. Which is most of the time. And if you sneeze like I did once then it sounds REAL LOUD. I thought it was gonna knock over all the statues. That’s why I really hate peeing there, Superman. Because it’s so quiet that everybody who’s waiting outside can hear you. And there are LOTS of people waiting in line because there’s only one place for regular people to pee in the hole place. So I try to pee on the side of the toilet so it don’t hit the water because I don’t like to make noise when I pee when everybody’s listening. Especially nunns.
And also priests.
Priests are around all the time because somebody has to give the nunns Holy Communion when they want it. Which is everyday. Which is what my sister the Sister said. And she also said they go to confession every morning. And I said WHY?
And she said BECAUSE NUNNS HAVE SINS TOO.
And I said REALLY?
And she said OF COURSE, WE’RE HUMAN TOO.
And I said WHAT KINDS OF SINS DO NUNNS HAVE SINCE YOU’RE PRAYING ALL THE TIME?
And she said ONLY GOD KNOWS THAT.
And I said CAN’T YOU TELL ME JUST ONE?
And she said YOU CAN ONLY TELL GOD AND PRIESTS.
And I said BUT YOU CAN TELL ME.
And she said NO I CAN’T.
And I said BUT IF I WAS GOD THEN YOU COULD TELL ME, COULDN’T YOU?
And she said BUT YOU’RE NOT G
OD.
And I said WELL I MIGHT BE THE BABY JESUS.
And BOY did she get mad, Superman! REALLY mad! But I can’t tell you about it right now because I’m supposed to do my homework before I take my bath. Which is just before I go to bed. So goodby for now. And goodnight.
LOVE,
JERRY CHARIOT
Good morning, SUPERMAN.
The reason I’m writing this letter is because everybody else is still asleep except me. Because I woke up REAL early because I couldn’t stop thinking about my sister the Sister who gets up at 5 o’clock to pray before she goes to the bathroom or it gets light out. And then she goes to the chapel and prays some more before she gets her Holy Communion. Which is after she went to confession. And then she goes to the cafeteria where she has to pray before she can eat. And then she eats. And then she prays some more to thank God she finished eating. And then she reads the Bible after she sings some hims and salms. Which was before she waxed the floors because it was her turn. And after that she meditates. And I said WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
And she said I THINK ABOUT GOD AND HOW I CAN LOVE HIM SOME MORE AND IF I’M HOLY ENOUGH TO SERVE HIM.
And I said YOU SEEM PRETTY HOLY TO ME.
And then she eats lunch after she thanks God she’s gonna eat lunch. And then it’s afternoon and so it starts allover again. And so what I wanted to know was where she finds the time to commit all those sins. But she wouldn’t tell me. Not even when I said I might be The Baby Jesus. Which is when the hole thing started. Which I’ll have to tell you about later because my mom’s coming up the steps to wake me up. Goodby.
JERRY again
Hello, Superman.
The reason I know all that stuff about how she prays and everything is because that’s what she always talks about when we sit in the’garden with all the flowers and statues and nunns and things. And she always asks the same questions like HOW’S ANT HELLEN? and HOW’S JERRY DOING IN SCHOOL? And that’s when I said I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. And she said she would have to go inside with me because I wasn’t allowed to go inside alone. Which I already knew. So I figured if I took a poop then it would be almost time to go back to Pulpburg and she couldn’t hear about school. But there was a hole bunch of other people standing in line and I wondered if they really had to poop like I didn’t. So I peed.
And on the way back she asked me if I liked Sister Mary Justin. And I said SORTA.
And she said Sister Mary Justin was one of the BEST nunns in the hole convent. And I said ARE YOU SURE?
And she said she hadn’t seen Sister Mary Justin in a long time but she couldn’t wait till Sister Mary Justin comes to Erie again so she could find out all about me.
And I said WHEN DO YOU THINK THAT WILL BE?
And she said SOON I HOPE.
And I said REAL SOON?
And she said MAYBE.
So I said CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING REAL IMPORTENT?
And she said OF COURSE again.
And I said PROMISE YOU WON’T TELL ANYBODY ABOUT IT? NOT EVEN SISTER MARY JUSTIN?
And she said IF YOU WANT.
And I said WELL, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF SUPERMAN?
And she said YOU MEAN THE COMICBOOK?
And I said AND ALSO ON TV.
And she said OF COURSE I HAVE.
And I said DO YOU LIKE HIM?
And she said WELL I GUESS SO.
And I said DO YOU BELIEVE HE EXISTS LIKE GOD EXISTS?
And she said GOOD AFTERNOON, SISTER MONICA.
And Sister Monica said GOOD AFTERNOON, SISTER.
And they both smiled like all nunns smile. Which is just like all the statues in the garden smile. Except not many of the statues are smiling because they’re mostly praying. Which is when my mom came over and we started talking about how nunns have sins. Which I’ll have to tell you about later because Robert’s waiting for me. We have to go up Old Lady Holbrook’s and practice my flying because today’s Wednesday. Yesterday was Tuesday so I worked on my X-ray Vision. Except I’ll have to tell you about that later also. So long.
Your Friends,
JERRY and ROBERT
Dear Superman,
I think you’re God and Robert thinks you’re God but nobody else does. Especially my mom and my dad and my sister the Sister who is becoming a nunn almost. She doesn’t even think you’re Superman or anything. In fact she doesn’t believe in you at all. And she doesn’t believe in me either. She said that God is God and Jesus is God and that’s it. Except for the Holy Ghost. She said that you’re not God and I’m not Jesus and WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN GETTING THESE NOTIONS? And I said I FIGURED IT OUT ALL BY MYSELF AND ROBERT. And she just looked at me. And the way she looked at me was the same way that Sister Mary Justin in school looks at me. That’s how I knew she was gonna be a good nunn for sure.
Anyway, my mom got REAL mad. Almost as mad as my dad did. Buster didn’t do nothing because he was writing a postcard to Mary Louise that he bought at Howard Johnson’s. And I could tell my dad was gonna hit me but my sister the Sister wouldn’t let him. She said I was just a little mixed up. And my dad said WAIT TILL I GET HIM HOME, I’LL STRAIGHTEN HIM OUT! And that’s when we had to leave because all the nunns had to go pray again. And my sister told my dad how she would talk to me next time we went to Erie and she would straighten me out so my dad wouldn’t have to do it. But I could tell he was gonna do it anyway. And I was right. All the way back to Pulpburg he didn’t even talk once while he was driving. Not even to my mom.
And it took three hours to get home.
And when we got out of the car he didn’t even wait till we got in the house or anything. He just grabbed me by the ankles and he held me up in the air with his hand and he kept hitting me and hitting me. And I had a bunch of pennys in my pocket which fell allover the sidewalk while he was hitting me and while my mom was yelling STOP IT STOP IT YOU’LL KILL THE BOY! And even my mom was crying like I was. And my dad was yelling how he’ll break my leg if I ever do that again NOW GET IN THE HOUSE AND GET TO BED BEFORE I DO IT RIGHT NOW! And I could hardly even walk inside because it was really hurting and I was really crying and my mom and dad kept yelling for a long time after I went to bed. I could hear them fighting all the way upstairs and my dad said THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE KID!
And my mom said YOU DON’T HAVE TO BEAT HIM LIKE THAT!
And my dad said I’LL DO WHAT I DAMN WELL PLEASE!
And my mom said FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!
And my dad said SHUT UP BEFORE I HIT YOU TOO!
And my mom started to say something and my dad hit her. Real hard. I couldn’t see it but BOY could I hear it. And then I heard my mom crying for a long time and then my dad went out and slammed the door. He was probly going to the Italien Club because that’s where he always goes when he wants to be alone with the boys.
And then it was 2 o’clock in the morning and he still didn’t come back yet and my mom was still crying and waiting downstairs. That’s why I couldn’t sleep. Because I really hate him, Superman. I hate him more than Luthor or The Joker or Jimmy Sinceri or ANYBODY. Even Sister Mary Justin. Because I don’t care if you’re God or not, Superman. And I don’t care if I’m God or not. I don’t care about anything except getting Super. And getting even. And if he ever hits my mom again then I’ll get a knife. And I’ll stick it in him when he’s snoring. I swear to God I’ll do it! And I know you hardly ever hurt or kill anybody but I don’t care, Superman. Because I just don’t. Because you’ll see.
JERRY CHARIOT
DEAR SUPERMAN,
Robert said you NEVER kill anybody and I said you might if you really had to. And Robert said Well you ain’t never killed anybody yet. And I said ARE YOU SURE? So we looked in all our old comicbooks and also the two new ones we bought at Starita’s. And we couldn’t even find one place where you killed somebody even though everybody is trying to kill you all the time. And I didn’t mean it when I said I was gonna kill my dad. I was just kidding. Ha-Ha. I would never REALLY kill him. I just want to get rid of him
for a while. Like maybe he’ll get sick and have to go in the hospitel or something. That’s all. Ha-Ha.
Your Friend, JERRY
PS: The other day we was on our way to the Duck Rock and we saw this rock on the ground and I looked at it a LONG time and then I told Robert there was Kryptonite inside of it. And Robert said HOW DO YOU KNOW? And I said BECAUSE I CAN SEE IT WITH MY X-RAY VISION. And Robert said I DON’T BELIEVE YOU. So we broke it open and guess what? There was this green stuff inside and it was Kryptonite. We think. Except I’m sure of it. And so we burried it in the ground just in case. You’re welcome.
DEAR SUPERPAL,
Me and Robert just read the story about how The Kryptonite Kid came from another planet and tried to kill you with his dog and his Kryptonite touch in GIANT SUPERBOY NO. 10. And he kept turning everything into Kryptonite, even the trees and the sliding boards and Krypto’s bones. And he told you if you didn’t leave Earth forever then he’d kill you FOR SURE and his Kryptonite dog would also kill Krypto. But you couldn’t kill him first because every time you got near him you got weak and started to die. And besides, you wouldn’t kill him anyway because that’s just the way you are. And on page 33 he turned the chairs and the books and the floor and everything into Kryptonite. And he said,
“HOW ABOUT A KRYPTONITE ASH TRAY? OH, YOU DON’T SMOKE? THEN AMUSE YOURSELF WITH A KRYPTONITE PHONE BOOK!”
And then you said, “OWWW! HE’S CHANGING HARMLESS OBJECTS INTO DEADLY MENACES!”
The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel Page 8
