by Elle Casey
“Fine. One look. Last time ever.”
“Okay,” he agrees, nodding. “If you say so.”
“I do say so.”
“Fine. I agree to your terms.” He folds his hands and puts them on the table in front of him, right on top of all the wrappers and food he still has remaining.
“You’re nuts,” I say as I lift up my shirt.
This time I look right at him from the start.
This time he doesn’t turn into a ghost.
“Well, would you look at that… A brown line. Right down the center of your belly.” He reaches out to touch it, but I slap his hand away.
“Don’t touch.”
“Why? Does it hurt?” His hand is still hovering very close.
“No, of course not.”
“I just want to … feel … it…” His hand comes closer, and this time I let it.
His finger touches the line and slowly makes its way down towards my protruding belly button.
My whole body is on fire now. Not just my face, but my chest, my breasts, my arms, my legs and the space between them. Colin has found my hot button apparently.
And then he gets to my belly button and I go instantly cold at the idea of him even seeing it, let alone touching it.
I shove my shirt down and knock his hand away at the same time. “Freak show over,” I say, standing up and grabbing my tray. The panel of my pants is gathered at my hips, but I leave it. I just want to escape.
“Hey, I was just getting started,” he says, standing up too. He walks with me over to the garbage can, full of good humor. He’s not one bit uncomfortable, unlike me. I want to lock myself into a closet and not come out until he’s two counties away.
“That’s what you think,” I say, trying to play off my embarrassment. I cannot believe he almost touched my outie. I try to walk back to the table, but he stops me with a hand on my arm.
“You’re beautiful, Alissa. Really beautiful. I wish you’d stop being mean to yourself.”
I yank my arm away. “Better get back to work. Don’t want you to get fired.” He’s being too nice. It’s making me uncomfortable. Before, when he was ignoring me and treating me like I had a disease, he was much easier to handle. Being all nice and caring makes him very threatening all of a sudden. I imagine I can still feel his fingers on my stomach. It makes my heart cramp up in my chest. It means nothing to him, I know it does, but it feels like everything to me.
“Aren’t you coming back too?” He stands next to the table as I carefully lower myself back into my chair.
“No. I’m waiting for someone.”
“Who?” His happiness is quickly replaced by suspicion.
“Charity. She and I are going to talk about her adoption.”
He glances up and looks out the windows of the restaurant. “Speak of the devil.”
I twist around in my seat to see her coming up the sidewalk. “She’s early,” I say, worried at the expression on her face. I get up to meet her at the door. “Are you okay?” I ask as she walks in.
She grins hugely. “Hey! Miss me?” She grabs me into a hug and our bellies bump together.
I squeak and turn sideways at the same time she does. We both laugh.
“Yes, I did miss you, actually.” Our bond reconnects and my day is suddenly way brighter.
“I see you brought tall and not too dark but very handsome with you.” She looks over my shoulder at Colin standing behind me.
“He followed me here. Can’t get rid of him.”
He steps up in time to hear me say that, but he smiles anyway.
“Well, don’t get rid of him on my account,” Charity says. She puts her hand out. “Nice to see you again.”
He shakes her hand and nods once. He’s back to being Mr. Cool, Mr. Distant. “I have to get back to work. I’ll give you a ride home later?” he says to me.
I shake my head. “Nope. I’m riding with Teagan.”
“Suit yourself.” He leaves without another word, his face set in stone.
I struggle to keep my happy expression going while my heart collapses painfully inside my ribs.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
“YOU’RE EARLY,” I SAY, MOVING past my regrets at how I left things with Colin ten seconds earlier. I try not to stare at his form moving quickly down the street.
“Yeah, I had one of my classes cancel, so I skipped that homework.”
“I already ate, but I’ll sit with you.”
“Grab us a table before we get locked out,” she says, pointing to the crowded doorway.
By the time she comes to take to the seat I saved for her, it’s the only one left in the whole place. While Colin was charming my pants down and feeling me up, the whole world decided it was time for lunch.
“I’m starving. Are you starving all the time like I am?” she asks, unwrapping a sandwich.
“No. I don’t have much of an appetite.”
“Lucky you. You probably haven’t gained anything, have you?” She takes her first bite of her sandwich and winces.
“I have. My butt was only half this big before.”
She smiles. “For serious. My butt …” She shakes her head slowly. “It’s hopeless. I’m going to invest in a lot of spandex after this baby is born. And I’m going to join the track team.”
I smile, not sure what to say to that. I have zero plans for my future, but hers sounds so hopeful.
“I made you a flier, by the way.” I pull the paper out of my purse and show it to her, covering up the awkward silence.
She looks it over and nods. “You think this will work? I mean, what if some weirdo calls me?”
I’m suddenly not feeling as confident in my flier as I was two minutes ago. Only two people have seen it, and they both think it’s terrible. “Well, we could change it. Or we could try something else.”
“We could stalk the grocery store,” Charity offers. “You know … hang out there a lot. Maybe we’ll see her shopping again.”
I nod. “Yeah, I guess we could. As long as they don’t throw us out it could work.”
“We can just sit in the parking lot. Want to go right now? I have my grandpa’s car.”
I gesture to her food. “You haven’t finished.”
She stands and starts shoving things into the paper bag her food came in. “I’ll eat it there. We can do a stake-out like in the movies.”
Her grin is impossible to not respond to in kind. “Okay. Sounds like fun.” It’s way better than filing stuff at Rebel Wheels, that’s for sure.
Ten minutes later we’re in the grocery store parking lot with the car pointed towards the front doors. If the lady wanting to adopt goes in or comes out, we’ll have a clear view of her.
“Want a fry?” Charity asks. The whole interior of the vehicle smells like greasy food. My stomach turns over uncomfortably.
“No, thanks. I’m stuffed.” I rub my tummy and am instantly rewarded with a kick.
“So, that guy … Colin. He your boyfriend now?”
I smile kind of sadly. I can’t help it. “No, not at all. He’s the brother of one of my roommates, so I see him a lot, but we’re definitely not together.”
“He know that?”
I look over in time to catch her grinning.
“Of course.” I really want to know why she said that, but I keep my mouth shut about it. There’s no point in letting her lead me down that road.
“Do you have a boyfriend?” I ask, trying to throw her off the scent.
“Nope. I slept with one a couple times and ended up learning that lesson the hard way. For some reason my brain took a vacation when he told me it would feel better without protection.”
I shake my head, angry at this stranger I’ve never met. “Why do guys do that to girls?”
“Because they’re selfish, immature, and brainless. He didn’t mean to get me pregnant.”
I look at her sideways.
“I’m not making excuses for him. But fact is, I should have taken responsibi
lity for my body and I didn’t. You can bet your sweet buns I’ll be carrying condoms with me wherever I go after this baby is born.”
I laugh. “So you can just drop and go wherever you are.”
“Wherever and whenever,” she agrees, giggling.
My face freezes in place as I see a flash of blue in blond hair across the parking lot.
“What?” Charity says. “Did I offend you? I’m sorry.”
“No.” I grab her arm with one hand and point with the other. “I think that’s her.”
Charity’s head whips around to follow the direction I’m pointing in. “The lady with the yellow shirt?”
“Yes.” I grab the door handle. “Are we going in?”
Charily looks at me, her expression suddenly unsure. “Should we?”
I relax a little in my seat. “Only if you want to. I don’t want to push you into doing something you don’t want to do.” Lord knows, people have been doing that to me enough lately that I don’t want to be guilty of it myself. Besides, this isn’t some little thing. This is about giving up a child. A life being handed over to another person. My stomach cramps a little at the thought of it.
“No, I do want to. I’m just nervous.” Charity holds out a trembling hand. “See? I’m shaking. Wow. What a dork.”
“No, it’s not dorky.” I hold her hand in mine. “I’m with you. If you want to do this, I’m going too.”
“Wingman?”
“Yes. Wingman. Wingwoman. Wingmomma.” I smile at the idea of us two penguins waddling into the grocery store, on a mission.
Charity opens her door and takes the keys out of the ignition. “Okay. Let’s do this before I chicken out.”
I get out too, and together, we walk into the air-conditioned grocery store, scanning the aisles for the lady with the blue headband.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
WE FIND HER IN THE baby food aisle. She’s staring at a line of organic fruit jars.
“Just follow my lead,” I whisper in Charity’s ear. Walking over to the canned vegetables just a few feet away from the woman, I exclaim, “Oh, look! Peeeaas. I wonder when we need to start feeding the babies peas.”
Charity jumps right in. “I’m pretty sure it’s not until they’re like a year old or something.”
I tap my finger in my chin as I carefully consider all the labels. Or pretend to. I’m not actually seeing anything. I keep waiting for the woman to notice us being confused and come to our rescue. “Well, you could be right. I wish I knew. I’m kind of clueless about all this baby stuff.”
“Excuse me. Can I be of help?”
Bingo! Blue headband, nine o’clock!
“Oh, sure, that would be really nice,” I say, turning to face her. I wait for the spark of recognition to appear, and I’m not disappointed when it does about five seconds later.
Her eyebrows come together in confusion. “Didn’t I …?”
“Feel my baby move just a few days ago? Yes. Hi, again.” I hold out my hand.
She points at me. “You were in the tampon aisle last time.” She takes my hand absently as she waits for me to respond.
“Good memory.” I grin like a fool and pump her hand really good.
A tapping in the middle of my back gets my attention and I drop our handshake. “Oh, by the way, this is my friend Charity.” Turning to the side, I give the lady a better view of my friend.
“Hello, Charity. I’m Barbara.” She looks down. “Oh. Wow. Looks like you’re almost ready to go.”
“Yes, ma’am, I am.”
Barbara looks pained all of a sudden. “You just called me ma’am. Now I feel old.”
“Oh, you’re not old,” I say, false happiness lighting up my voice like neon bulbs on the Vegas Strip. “Didn’t you say you were thinking of having kids? You can’t be old for that.” I cringe at the words coming out of my mouth, a steady stream of verbal vomit. I’m supposed to be going all stealth with her but it’s not working.
Both Charity and Barbara are staring at me like I have a single eyeball in the middle of my forehead.
“So … you’re shopping for baby food,” Charity says, glancing nervously between Barbara and me. “We were just doing the same thing. Small world, huh?”
“Yes.” Barbara looks first at the food and then at the front of the store. I get the impression that she’s about to leave in a hurry. Maybe she’s worried we’re going to kidnap her. I would be if it were me.
It’s time to kick this into high gear before we lose our chance. I jump right back into the conversation. “Yeah, and you know what? We are so clueless. So, so, so, so, so clueless. And for me it’s kind of a big deal, because you know I’m going to keep my baby and stuff. But Charity here is going to give her baby up for adoption, so she’s just acting as like a consultant for me.”
Silence.
The totally awful, creepy, awkward silence is making my ears ring. I am so not the type for stake-out work.
“Listen …,” Charity starts and then lets out a big sigh. “Let’s just cut out the bahoola and get right to the point.”
“Bahoola?” Barbara asks, looking once more at the front of the store.
“You know. The games,” Charity explains. “We were totally stalking the store waiting for you to come in.”
Barbara looks sharply at her. “Excuse me?”
Charity rolls her eyes. “Yeah, I know. Terrible idea.”
“I’m sorry, I’m just not following.” Barbara looks at me. “What am I missing?”
I open my mouth to speak, but Charity goes first, cutting me off.
“See, I met Alissa the same day you did but after, and we got to talking about adoption, and I told her that’s what I want to do and she told me about you wanting a baby and all. But she didn’t know your name or anything, so we just came back here … hoping to see you.”
“Because …” Barbara stops and then just trails off, staring first at Charity and then at me.
It’s my turn to talk now and make a complete fool out of myself. “Because you said you wanted a baby really bad, and you seem so nice with that blue headband on and stuff…” I look out the front window, desperation in my heart. “And you have that nice minivan and some baby food too…”
“I don’t … I don’t know what to say,” Barbara whispers.
I try to smile but I’m sure I look more like I have a stomachache, which I do. My guts are cramping terribly.
Charity must notice my discomfort because she jumps in again. “I’m sorry we kind of bum rushed you, but you know, I’m giving birth soon and I haven’t done anything I need to for the adoption yet. So I guess you could say we just acted without thinking too hard about it.”
Barbara is nodding, her hand fluttering to her chest and then her throat. “I need to go,” she says in a choked voice, moving down the aisle so fast she’s practically a blur.
Charity and I watch her go in silence. She’s out the door and in her car before Charity speaks again.
“Well, that went well,” Charity says.
I put my arm across her shoulders. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. This was a terrible idea.”
She puts her arm on my waist. “Aw, don’t worry about it. Maybe she just doesn’t like black babies.”
I look at her to see if she’s serious. I feel positively sick. “No … you don’t really …”
“Nah. I’m just joking.” She grins. “Come on. I’ll drive you home. I gotta get to class.”
She keeps up the chatter all the way to my place, but I can tell she’s hurt. I’m dying inside knowing that I made that hurt happen. I wish I knew what to say to her, but I can’t think of the right words that won’t make me sound like I feel sorry for her. She’s too proud for that nonsense, and I don’t want to damage our already delicate relationship. I really like Charity and admire her; I almost wish I could be more like her. She’s strong and smart and keeps a sense of humor about her even when the picture goes dark.
“Here you are,” sh
e says, pulling up to the curb in front of the house. “Want to go have another lunch sometime?”
I’m so relieved that she still wants to hang out with me, my answer comes out in a big rush of air. “Sure. Anytime you want.”
“Okay, good.” She puts her hand on my arm as I’m struggling to get out of the car. “Listen, if I go into labor, I’ll let you know, okay? It’s not long for me now. Maybe you can come visit me in the hospital. Maybe bring me some red licorice or something.”
“Aren’t you going to call your partner?” I ask, getting to my feet in the street. “I mean, I’ll come, but you should call your partner first.” I shut the door behind me and look at her through the open window.
“Partner? What partner? My square dancing partner?”
I bend over a little so I can see her better. “No, silly, your birth coach partner.”
“What’s that?”
I lean in the car window and look at her straight on. I can’t tell if she’s messing with me or not. “Are you serious?”
“Serious about what?”
Someone comes walking up the sidewalk behind me. I turn around to see who it is, but don’t recognize him. He’s younger than me for sure and wearing a goofy baseball hat turned sideways, so I don’t feel threatened. He distracts me from my concern over Charity’s lack of birth assistance. I don’t have any myself, but she’s much younger than me.
“Oh, hey,” he says, cheerfully. “You must be the famous Alissa.”
My nostrils flare out and my lips press together as I consider his words. I’m not sure how I feel about being famous, but since he’s not laughing as he says it, I decide to give him the benefit of the doubt. “I’m Alissa, yes.”
He holds out his hand for me to shake. “My name’s Rat. I was just in your place doing some handiwork for Teagan.”
I shake his hand and notice it has callouses on it. “You seem a bit young to be a handyman.”
He grins, his bright teeth lighting up his mocha-colored face. “Don’t let the baby-smooth skin fool ya. I’m all man.”
I laugh because I can’t help it. He still has acne, so I have to wonder how honest he’s being about the man thing, but I’m not going to pop his bubble and tell him that. “Nice to meet you, Rat.” I turn and gesture into the car. “This is my friend Charity.”
