Walking Home: A Pilgrimage from Humbled to Healed

by Choquette, Sonia

  He then stepped back into the pouring rain and disappeared. I asked for Cheater and went to my room. Dinner would be served next door in an hour, so I had time to dry off, and change my clothes. What a long and winding road it was today.

  Day 33

  (23 km; 14 mi)

  Arzúa to Amenal

  I woke up to rain and howling wind, and only wanted to roll over in bed and continue sleeping, but this was my second-to-last day before arriving in Santiago, so instead I got up and took a long, hot shower. I couldn’t believe I was almost at the end of this incredible pilgrimage. It felt as if I were slowly waking up from an epic dream.

  I looked over at Cheater. He was one lightweight fellow right now. Since I began this pilgrimage I had given away nearly a third of my clothes, all of my shoes except for my hiking boots, and all of my bandages and first-aid supplies, and had eaten all of my PowerBars. We had both done a good job of letting go of the excess baggage we carried to the Camino. “Well done, Cheater. We are almost there,” I said to him out loud. Pilgrim just smiled in the corner.

  Given the weather outside, I layered up with the last little bit of warm clothing I still had with me, and then packed up Cheater. Next I stuffed my rain poncho, gloves, and headband into Pilgrim, threw my little purse with my wallet and my pilgrim’s passport around my shoulder, and headed downstairs with all my stuff in tow.

  Once I handed Cheater over to the receptionist and got my passport stamped, I strolled over to the small dining room. There, at the far end, Johnny and Allen were seated, doing their very best to ignore me. I wasn’t sure whether I was glad about this or if it made me feel uncomfortable. At any rate, I took the hint and sat at a table at the other end of the small room. I didn’t need any negative vibes today—that was for sure.

  Since Johnny and Allen were the only ones besides me in the restaurant, however, I was too uncomfortable to linger, so I hurriedly swilled my last sip of coffee, grabbed my poles, and walked out the door, smiling and wishing them both “Buen Camino” as I left.

  Outside, the rain had stopped, and I was greeted with a few rays of sun peeking through the still heavy clouds and a stiff, cold breeze. It woke me up and got me going. I looked around for the yellow markers, and once I saw them, I started to sing, “I’m Off to See the Wizard,” this time at full volume and with gusto as I got under way. An hour later, I stopped to pray.

  Holy Mother-Father God,

  Please help me keep my heart open and my thoughts present as I find my way through this second-to-last day. Help me remain available to all the lessons I must learn on this day and guide me each step of the way. Please give me the help I need to succeed today. And thank you for giving me the ability to keep on going, as I don’t know how my feet are doing it, but they are.

  Amen and with gratitude,

  Thank you.

  The air was so fresh and cool it cleared my head and lifted my heart. I tried to reflect on all that I had experienced so far, but the Camino wouldn’t allow it. You can think about that later, when you’ve finished, it said to me. Pay attention and stay aware, or you will miss the gifts of today.

  The rain had by now completely cleared and though it was still cool outside, the sun was brilliant and felt good on my face. As I walked, I enjoyed the gorgeous symphony of nature coming alive. Butterflies were everywhere. Hundreds of them. Farmers were in the fields, dogs barking and running alongside them. Horses came trotting over to have a look at me as I walked by their farms and snorted as I passed, as if to say, “It’s just another pilgrim!” I laughed.

  “What’s next for me?” I wondered aloud, giving in to the temptation to jump ahead once again. It was one thing to be serene in the middle of such a sacred and blessed path, under the Milky Way, but what would it be like when I got back home? “Am I really changed? Have I really accepted all that has happened in my life and forgiven others and myself for the pain that came along with it?” I questioned.

  I certainly was no longer the broken person who showed up here five weeks and several lifetimes ago. I no longer felt chained to the past or to the feelings of grief and anger that had been for so long buried inside me. The Camino had healed me of all that, and I was profoundly grateful for this miracle. In its place was a quiet space in my heart, filled with compassion and love for all human beings.

  I was also keenly aware of the difference between my ego and my spirit, and how painful and heavy my ego was to carry. It was dead weight and brought nothing good with it. Nothing. It only perpetuated stories that isolated me from life and love and everything I wanted or needed. It set up battles and power struggles with others that no one would or could ever win.

  It wasn’t that I was done with my ego. I knew that wasn’t possible. My ego was part of who I was. It was the lower part. The confused part. The never satisfied, never secure, never trusting part of me. It was also the vain part. The scared, manipulating, thin-skinned, hypersensitive, easily offended, easily threatened, and entitled part.

  It was the part of me that said, “I am right, and they are wrong.” It was the part looking for love and not finding it. When it took hold of me, I was no longer connected to my spirit, my true and beautiful self. I became lost.

  I had no illusions that I was done with my ego. I knew it would, again and again, try to run my life, as I was only human. I knew it would flare up when I was tired or feeling insecure, or felt afraid to be seen. Only now, I knew how to tame it. There was only one way. I had to love myself fully and unconditionally. I had to have compassion for myself and be sensitive and responsive to my authentic needs. I had to pray daily for guidance and give myself the time and space to nurture my spirit and enjoy my life. I had to stay present in the moment and not leap into the future or fall back into the past. That was a tall order, but I knew it would bring me peace.

  I also needed to stop seeing my ego as “the enemy” and start seeing it as the “me” who needed more love. I didn’t have to fight my ego when it flared up in pain. I needed to soothe and calm my ego, handing it over to the care of my spirit and to God to quiet down and reassure.

  It was simple. When I loved me, I was filled with grace. When I didn’t, the battles and pain began.

  Please help me remember this, Holy Mother-Father God. Help me take this lesson and carry it forward from this pilgrimage back to my life. Like St. Francis, I only want to be an instrument of peace. I pray for the guidance and strength and presence of mind and heart to live with love and compassion for all.

  I sat down and soaked in the beauty around me. Soon it would be over, so I was blessed to be here now. I was so grateful that words couldn’t begin to express how I felt. I was whole. No longer broken and shattered.

  Thank you for healing me. I pray I can carry this healing forward and touch all those in my life. Amen.

  The walk was magical. I laughed, I cried, I sang. I limped along. There were no other pilgrims on the path almost the entire time, unlike the past few days. It was so quiet I even questioned whether I had missed an arrow and wandered away from the Camino. Right then I saw an arrow, as if the nature spirits were pointing it out to me.

  As the sun rose higher and higher, so did the temperature, and I began to peel away the layers of clothing that I had bundled myself into that morning. It was close to noon by the look of the sun. I had been walking for at least four hours, so I decided to stop and get a snack.

  Fifteen minutes later I happened upon a little outdoor café filled with pilgrims basking in the sun and drinking beers and Cokes. Again I wondered where they all came from, given that I hadn’t seen a single one of them for hours. Strange how that kept happening.

  I noticed a table and sat down. I took Pilgrim off my back and proceeded to reach for my little purse to get some money and order lunch, only to discover it was not strapped across me, as it should have been.

  Not allowing myself to panic, I calmly reached for Pilgrim. I must have stuck it in there, I said to myself, knowing full well that I had not. Still, I
looked inside, only to confirm it was definitely not there.

  I took a deep breath and made a concerted effort not to freak out. That little purse had my only credit card, all my money, my passport, my ticket home, and my little pilgrim’s passport with ALL MY STAMPS FOR THE ENTIRE WAY!

  I burst out crying. What was I going to do? I tried to stay calm as I went into the café to ask for help, but no one there spoke English. My mind was frantic. I had already walked four hours, and I could have lost it anywhere along the path. Should I leave now and go back? If I do, how far should I go? What if someone found it? How would they get it to me? Maybe I should run ahead and call from the next hostel. I stepped forward then back, turning in circles and getting more upset by the moment.

  I started praying. I needed a miracle and fast.

  Just then, Johnny and Allen came walking into the café. They both took one look at me and Allen came right over and said, “Sonia, are you all right?”

  I burst into tears all over again and told him I had lost my little purse with everything in it. I needed help and didn’t even speak enough Spanish to ask for it. At that point Johnny walked over.

  “What’s going on?” he asked. Allen told him, because I was too numb to speak, feeling so close to the end and so out of control.

  Allen said, “Sit down. I’ll get you a coffee.”

  “I saw you at breakfast. Have you stopped since?” Johnny asked me, mobilizing into action.

  “No, I haven’t. I just walked,” I responded, shaking my head.

  Next, he whipped out his cell phone, tuned in to the Internet, and started speaking to the woman behind the counter in fluent Spanish all at the same time, asking her what cafés and hostels were between where we started out this morning and here. They spoke furiously back and forth, he barking things at her, and she barking things right back, then both now barking things on the phone, while he nodded at me and told me to keep drinking my coffee.

  I let it sit there. I couldn’t even drink a sip I was so stressed out. All I could do was pray.

  Fifteen tense minutes later, he started talking to someone new on the other end of his cell phone. “¡Sí, sí, sí!” he said, then hung up.

  He then turned to me and said, “I found it.”

  I was shocked. “Where?”

  “Someone saw it on the trail about four kilometers past where we started out today and took it back to the hostel because you had the name of it written on a piece of paper inside.”

  “Oh, thank God!” I cried in relief. “I have to go back now and get it.”

  “No need,” he said. “I told him to send it along with your bag to the hostel where you are staying tonight because your bag was still there.”

  “You’re kidding! What a miracle!”

  Johnny continued, “He said not to worry. Everything is still there. No one took anything.”

  I was stunned.

  “Oh my goodness. You are my Camino angel, Johnny! I can’t thank you enough. You saved me.”

  He laughed out loud very hard when I said that.

  “No one has ever called me an angel before.”

  “But you are. You are my angel, and I am so grateful for you in every way,” I said, giving him a big hug. He seemed uncomfortable.

  Allen then took out five euros. “I bought your coffee. I hope this is enough to get you to the hostel tonight.”

  I took the money and gave him a big hug, as well. They looked at me and said, “Okay, then. Well, buen Camino,” and left.

  I just sat there, speechless. My dark angels of two days ago just saved my trip.

  Who knew that would be my experience today?

  Thank you, God. Thank you, Camino angels. Thank you, Dad. Thank you, Bruce Anthony. Thank you, knights, and anyone else looking after me.

  As I resumed walking, I started singing the old song “Johnny Angel,” and thought about how little we really ever know anyone. The worst two pilgrims of the entire Camino just became my most beloved today. That goes to show you should never judge anyone because you never know who they really are and can be. I knew this before, but now I really knew this.

  “Thank you for this lesson, Camino. It is one I am sure I won’t forget.”

  I walked the next two hours feeling blanketed by angels. The walk was long and wound in all directions. I walked through farmland, across roads, and past long stretches of forest. As I did, the weather got worse and worse, rain coming down so hard now it was scary. I even saw a cloud that looked eerily like a tornado from afar. It made me run.

  Finally, finally, I arrived at my hostel. Once inside I was told that someone was coming to pick me up and take me to a second location belonging to the same owner.

  “Is my little purse here?” I asked anxiously.

  “No,” was the answer. “No little purse.”

  “Is my bag here?”

  “No, no bag either.”

  “Stay calm, Sonia,” I said, keeping myself grounded. “It’ll be at the next hotel.”

  In five minutes a man drove up and put me in the car. He spoke very little English but was kind and friendly. I relaxed a little. When I got to the hostel, I asked him for my little purse. He said he did not have it. Then I asked for Cheater. He took me into a room near the desk and, whew, there he was.

  I explained about my little purse, and he got on the phone to the hostel that had delivered my bag. He then said that he would get a call back in 30 minutes.

  I sunk to an all-new low.

  What if it doesn’t arrive? I worried. What then?

  There was no use staring at him while he stared at the phone, so I grabbed Cheater and, with Pilgrim and poles in hand, I went to my room.

  I sat on the bed and wondered what to do if my purse didn’t show up.

  Coming up with no ideas, I decided to take a shower and just have faith. I let it all go, knowing everything had worked out this far, and would till the end.

  I unzipped Cheater. Surprise! My little purse was inside.

  “Hurray!” And true to their word, everything was inside as promised.

  What a roller-coaster ride this day had been. I couldn’t believe it!

  I threw myself on the bed and nearly screamed, “Thank you, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, and all the angels in the world,” relief surging through my every cell.

  As I feel asleep that night, I thought about my lesson today. I realized how much goodness is all around, sometimes hidden right before our eyes. We only have to have faith in others and in life, be patient and stay grounded when the unexpected occurs, and remember to pray and have faith that we will always receive the love and support we need if we let go and allow it.

  “Wow! Camino,” I said, falling asleep. “I wasn’t prepared for this lesson today, but I really needed it before I got home. Moreover, it’s one I’ll never forget. Ever. Thank you.”

  I then set the alarm for 4 A.M. I had another 15 kilometers to go to get to Santiago, and I wanted to make it to the 10 A.M. mass at the cathedral. I was excited to complete this pilgrimage, and yet sad it was coming to an end. What an adventure! My mind danced all over the place. It was difficult to fall asleep, but eventually I did.

  Day 34

  (15 km; 9 mi)

  Amenal to Santiago de Compostela

  When the alarm went off, it was pitch-black outside and I didn’t know where I was. I had been dreaming that I was taking part in a religious ceremony, celebrating my arrival at a new land after being on a ship for years and years. In my dream a bell was ringing as part of the solemn ceremony. Now starting to wake up, I realized it was my alarm clock going off. I turned it off and sat in the dark for quite a few more minutes before I remembered I was walking to Santiago today.

  “How appropriate,” I said out loud, turning on the light, thinking of my dream. “At least I hope I’m arriving in a new land.” I looked at my watch: 4 A.M. Time to get going.

  My feet were so sore today that I had to step very gingerly as I walked to the shower.

&nbs
p; “Feet, don’t fail me now,” I said, recalling one of my favorite disco songs, “One Nation Under a Groove,” as I stepped in and let the hot water run down my face and back. Ahh. It felt good. “I can’t believe I will arrive in Santiago in only a few hours. How surreal is that?” I continued talking to myself.

  Once dried off, I got dressed quickly. I had laid out everything I was going to wear the night before, along with my poles, gloves, and headband; the penny my dad gave me; and the crystal I received from the shaman, as well as my wooden cross from Patrick #2, the singer, so it only took a minute.

  I packed up Cheater and looked at him, saying, “Can you believe it? I walked and you rode across an entire country, Cheater. I’m impressed. Aren’t you?”

  Then I looked at Pilgrim. “You, too, little friend. We are almost home.”

  Then, as hard as it was, I shoved my painfully sore feet into my boots. “Ow!” Somehow at this hour of the morning, it was more painful than usual. “Almost there,” I said to my feet encouragingly. “I promise you both a long and well-deserved rest after this. And when my toenails grow back, I’ll get you a pedicure, too.”

  “Yeah, sure,” they answered, unimpressed. “Just finish this already, will you?”

  I patted them gently. “I know. Hang in there. Today is the last day.”

  Then I gathered up everything and headed downstairs. I had to be extra careful not to make noise in the hallway, as it was still so early in the morning, and I didn’t want to wake anyone up. I had three floors to descend so it was tricky, but I managed.

  When I got downstairs, it was pitch-black, save for a light in the coffee shop next to reception. I walked in and saw the woman who served me dinner last night. She was waiting to take me back to the other hostel where the Camino left off yesterday so I could resume my walk. She said I could get some breakfast there as well.