Our Fragile Hearts

by Buffy Andrews

  Mary checked the delicate gold watch on her wrist. “Almost forgot I have a doctor’s appointment. Will you be okay here by yourself?”

  “Sure. Is everything all right?”

  Mary waved her slender hand. “It’s just a check-up.”

  Before she left, Mary showed me the closet she wanted emptied first. She was right. It was packed with old suits. Most of them were black; a few of them were blue. And there must have been fifty white shirts.

  She handed me a box of garbage bags. “You can put the clothes into the bags. But don’t make them too heavy. We’ll need to be able to carry them down the steps and to the car.”

  I took the box of industrial-strength garbage bags from Mary. The idea of putting suits that cost thousands of dollars into garbage bags seemed wrong.

  I waved to Mary as she left and started to remove the suits. Mary had reminded me to check the pockets, explaining that James had had a horrible habit of not removing his hankies.

  I pulled the first jacket off the hanger and checked the pockets and pulled out a hankie. I tossed it in the trash like Mary had told me to do. I checked the pants pocket and found a few quarters. I put them on the dresser.

  One by one I took the suits off the rack, removing coins and bills from pockets and discarding the hankies. I had a pretty nice pile of money on the dresser. While most of the bills were tens and twenties, I’d found a hundred-dollar bill. I’d never held a hundred-dollar bill in my hand before. Even when I worked at the bar the largest bill I got was a fifty.

  When I took the last suit off the rack, I found a photo of Mary and her dad in the inside pocket. I studied the photo. Mary was stunning. She wore a lemon-yellow floral dress gathered at the waist with a full skirt. The puffy cap sleeves were adorned with tiny yellow bows. A matching headband held back nut-brown hair that fell to her shoulders before flipping up. I looked at the back of the photo. It was dated 1958.

  I laid the photo on the dresser beside the stash of money. I heard a car door slamming. I looked out the window. It was Mary.

  I was working on the shirts when Mary walked into the bedroom. “How’s it going?”

  I pointed to the pile of money on the dresser. “You were right, there was a lot of stuff in the pockets.”

  Mary smiled. “Take the cash. I’m sure you could use it.”

  “Really? But there’s a hundred-dollar bill in there.”

  Mary shrugged. “Buy yourself something special.”

  “Wow, thanks Mary. I don’t know what to say.”

  Mary sighed. “Hard to believe James has been gone twenty years.”

  “That’s a long time to be alone. Do you miss him?”

  Mary sat down on the bed. “Can I tell you something, Rachel, that you can’t tell anyone else? Not even Claire?”

  I sat down on the bed beside her. “Yes, of course, Mary. What is it?”

  Chapter 22

  Mary

  I wasn’t sure at first if I should have said anything to Rachel, but I wanted to tell someone my secret. I’d kept it for fifty-seven years and the thought of finally telling someone what had happened so many years ago gave me a feeling of peace.

  I’d finally cleaned James’s closet; perhaps it was about time I cleaned out the rest of the cobwebs. I wasn’t sure where exactly to begin so I just started.

  “Remember when I told you I never loved James and he never loved me? That ours was a marriage of convenience?”

  Rachel nodded.

  I waved my arm. “This was his bedroom. We never slept in the same bed, ever.”

  “Wow,” Rachel said. “I had no idea. That must have been painful.”

  “It was at first. On our wedding night, we came back to the house. James said he’d take me on a proper honeymoon when work slowed down. That night, I took a long bubble bath and wore the white silk nightgown I’d bought. I lay in bed, expecting James to come to me, but he never did. Night after night I waited for him, but he always slept in here.” I glanced around the room.

  “What did you do?” Rachel asked.

  “I finally confronted him. I asked him why he wasn’t coming to me at night. I was beginning to think something was wrong with me. That’s when he told me he preferred men.”

  Rachel gasped. “Oh, no! And you had no idea?”

  “None. He’d always been the perfect gentleman. At first I was devastated. While I knew I’d never love anyone the way I loved Teddy, I’d hoped to feel something more than friendship for James. But he got what he wanted, a marriage of convenience. I was by his side in public, and he lay with men behind closed doors.”

  “Mary, I don’t even know what to say. That must have been so lonely for you. What about adopting children? I know you said James couldn’t father children because of an injury, and it sounds like he wouldn’t have wanted to even if that wasn’t the case. But he promised you when he proposed that you could adopt. A child or two would’ve made your life happier, I’m sure.”

  I rubbed my neck. This cobweb was the hardest one to knock down. It was glued with such strength it took all my might to sweep it away.

  “Yes, he did promise that I could adopt. But then something happened that changed my mind forever about wanting to. I didn’t want to bring a child into this home. Not with James being the way he was. And my father.”

  “Your father?”

  I took a deep breath. “One day, Mother and I were out shopping. When we returned home, my father’s car was parked in front of the house. We thought Father had come over to keep James company while we shopped. They didn’t hear us come in, but we heard them as soon as we walked in the door. We walked down the hallway and into the living room and found them naked and having relations.”

  “Oh. My. God!” Rachel reached out and held my hand. “I’m so sorry, Mary. So sorry you had to see that.”

  Tears started streaming from my eyes. “At first, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Mother couldn’t either. I learned later she knew my father was gay. Like me, she’d learned after they were married and they never shared a bed, either. She’d adopted me. But she had no idea that my father and James were lovers. Of course, it all made sense. Father wanting me to marry James, father being nicer to me after I’d accepted James’s proposal. It made it convenient for them to be together.”

  “What did they do when you caught them?”

  “They stopped, of course. I ran to my room crying hysterically and my father yelled after my mother who ran after me, “Tell that whore how it is.”

  “What did James do?”

  “Nothing. He did nothing. It turned out that my father had ruled James’s life as well. What he said, James did. The worse part was listening to them at night when my father would come over to visit James and spend the night. It was awful. There was no way I was going to adopt a child and subject him or her to this kind of life.”

  “Why didn’t you just divorce James?”

  “I thought about it, but it wasn’t like it is today. Divorce was taboo. I weighed my options and tried to figure out what was best. I decided to stay and I coped by helping others.”

  “I feel like I’m going to explode, Mary. This makes me so sad for you. To love a man you could never have because your father sent you away and made you write a Dear John letter. Living with a man you never loved and who never loved you. And having a child and never seeing that child and never knowing what became of her. It’s just so sad.”

  I patted Rachel’s hand. “But I survived. And you will survive, too. I know you haven’t had an easy life, but you’re giving Piper an incredible gift. I hope that, in time, you’ll find what you want most and that your life becomes all that you want it to me.”

  Just then, Rachel turned and gave me the biggest hug I’d ever received and we both broke down in tears. With Rachel’s help, I’d finally knocked down all the cobwebs stuck in the corners and it felt good to be rid of them.

  Chapter 23

  Rachel

  I couldn’t believe what Mar
y was saying. My heart physically hurt as she described her life. It was just so sad.

  “Mary, you would have made a wonderful mother. If I’d had you for a mother who knows how my life would’ve turned out.”

  Mary turned toward me. “Thank you, Rachel. You saying that means a lot to me. But there’s something I learned a bit too late and I’d like you to think about it. You and only you are in charge of your destiny. No one can take that away from you except you.”

  I nodded. “Thanks, I’ll try to remember that.”

  Mary stood. “Now, how about we take these bags downstairs and put them in my car trunk. I’ll drop them off at the thrift store when I go to book club later.”

  I carried the bags downstairs and into the garage. Mary opened the trunk and I heaved them inside. I followed her back inside the house.

  “Thanks, Rachel.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  I suddenly felt light-headed and had to sit down.

  “Oh dear, you look like you could use a drink.”

  Mary brought me a glass of water and I sipped it. “Wow! Not sure what came over me.”

  “Maybe you’ve had enough for one day,” Mary said. “If you’re not up to doing more, that’s fine.”

  I held up my hand. “No, I’ll be okay. Just give me a minute. I’ve just been feeling tired lately.”

  Mary looked at me with steepled brows. “How long have you felt like this?”

  I tried to remember when I started feeling so sluggish. “Probably around the time I started caring for Piper.”

  “Oh.” Mary sighed. “Caring for a little one is a lot of work.”

  “How did you make out at the doctor’s?” I asked, changing the subject.

  “Fine. I have to get some bloodwork done, but I expected that.”

  “Why the bloodwork?”

  “I’m taking some medications and he wants to check everything. No worries. If you continue to feel so tired, perhaps I could make an appointment for you to see him. He’s a great doctor. Just out of medical school. He joined his father’s practice. That’s who I normally see but he’s on a Mediterranean cruise with his wife.”

  “Wow. A cruise! I’ve never even been on a boat.”

  Mary sat down across from me. “No boat? Ever?”

  I nodded.

  “Well, we’ll have to change that. There’s a river boat that does dinner cruises.”

  “You mean those big boats with a big red paddle in the back?”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh! Piper would love that!”

  “What about you?”

  “I’d love it, too.”

  Mary leaned forward. “Rachel, I’ve been thinking. Would it be okay with you if I put up a swing set in my backyard? I know how much Piper likes to swing and I don’t like the idea of her climbing the tree. A swing and some sort of jungle gym would be safer. I’m afraid if she climbs the tree she might fall and break a bone and then I’d never forgive myself. And I figured if we’re going to do our weekly dinners, she’d have a safe place to play outside.”

  I smiled. “Piper would love that, Mary. Thanks.”

  I called Claire on my way to pick up Piper. “Anything new?”

  “No. Just the usual. Work, work and more work. How about you?”

  “Mary hired me full-time.”

  “Her house is that dirty?”

  I laughed. “I’m doing more than just dusting and sweeping. Like today, I cleaned out a closet in one of her spare bedrooms. I must have stuffed fifty suits and shirts into a garbage bag.”

  Claire coughed. “You threw them out?”

  “No. She’s going to drop them off at the thrift store. They were her late husband’s.”

  “Sounds like Mary really likes you,” Claire said.

  “I like her a lot, too. She gave me this gorgeous tea set. It’s so pretty I’m afraid to use it because I don’t want to break it.” I pulled into a parking space at the apartment complex to wait for Piper’s bus.

  Claire laughed. “I can’t imagine you serving afternoon tea. You’re becoming quite cultured.”

  I laughed. “I think I’m acquiring a taste for it, actually.”

  “Has that creepy man been around today?” Claire asked.

  “No and I hope he doesn’t come around. Don’t forget to get that lawyer’s number when he comes in the bar tomorrow. Besides a lawyer, I need to find a good doctor.”

  “Still not feeling well? Maybe you should take this pill I’m taking. It’s all natural but it gives me extra energy to make it through the day. I’ve even stopped drinking coffee.”

  “That must be some kind of miracle pill. You drank, like, three pots a day.”

  “I know. This new girl started at the bar and she takes it. I swear she moves around the room as fast as a jack rabbit. I asked her what she was on and she whipped out a packet of pills she keeps in her purse. Besides taking the pill, she drinks a shake and wears a patch. It’s kind of expensive but I thought I’d give it a try.”

  “Well, let me know how it works. Mary gave me the name of her doctor. I think I’ll call tomorrow. Maybe I have an iron deficiency. Hey! Gotta go. Piper’s bus is coming.”

  I got out of the car and stood with the other, um, parents. Piper ran over to me. It was good seeing her so happy. “How was your day?”

  Piper climbed into the car. “Luke likes me.”

  I looked at her, wondering if I’d missed something. “Who’s Luke?”

  “He sits beside me.”

  “Oh. Do you like him?”

  “He’s okay. He smells funny. Like my sheets when I pee in bed.”

  I wasn’t sure how to respond so I kept it at “oh.”

  We walked into the house and I got Piper a snack. Then I called Mary’s doctor and got an appointment for the next day.

  I emptied Piper’s backpack, hoping she didn’t have a lot of homework. I took out a piece of paper with a big A written in red ink at the top. Beside it was a yellow smiley sticker. “Good job, Piper.” I put it on the refrigerator door, which was covered with Piper’s artwork. I never thought I’d be one of those people with a refrigerator decked out in a child’s artwork. And yet here I was tacking it all up like a proud parent. What was happening to me?

  When Piper had finished her snack we did her sight word flashcards. She was getting faster every day and it was now taking her only seconds to recognize some of the words. “One more time and then you can do your matching homework.” I held up the page. On one side were drawings, such as a dog, and on the other side were words. Piper was supposed to match the picture with the word and draw a line to connect them.

  My cellphone beeped. I had a text from Nick.

  Hi, Rachel. Everything OK?

  Yeah. How about you?

  Had better. Learned today my company is being sold.

  Oh no! Does that mean you’ll lose your job?

  Not sure. Have to wait and see.

  That stinks. But with your skills I’m sure you’ll find something fast.

  Maybe. How’s Piper?

  Good. She’s doing homework.

  Homework? Kindergarten?

  LOL! I know. That’s what I said.

  We’ll have to take her to the park again soon.

  K.

  Later.

  Yeah. See you later.

  I loved getting texts from Nick. I hoped if he lost his job he’d find another one in the area. I really liked Nick and I had the feeling he liked me, too. I wondered if there was a chance for more between us. I couldn’t give a guy my full attention now because of Piper, but I thought Nick would understand that. He was so good with Piper and I’d learned he had a lot of practice handling children. He was an uncle to a half-dozen nieces and nephews, and he adored each one of them.

  I heard Piper come up the steps. “I’m done!” she shouted, walking into the bathroom where I was putting towels away. She held up her homework.

  I closed the linen closet door. “Great. Now let’s read. Get
a book and I’ll meet you on the couch.”

  By the time I came downstairs Piper was sitting on the couch paging through the book. “So what did you pick?” I asked.

  She held up Clifford the Big Red Dog. It was another one of my books. I remembered getting it when I was in second grade. I spent Christmas that year in a foster home. Mom spent it in jail.

  I was eight, just like Emily Elizabeth, and I loved how she picked the runt of the litter for her Christmas present. I guess I always had a thing for underdogs. No one expected Clifford to grow, but he did because of all of the love he received from Emily. I remember thinking that I was like Clifford, a runt, and that maybe if my mom loved me as much as Emily loved Clifford, I’d become special, too. But that never happened. Not the growing up part; the special part.

  Piper snuggled next to me and I put my arm around her shoulders and held the book in front of her and read. Whenever I noticed one of the sight words, I’d ask Piper to read it. To my surprise, she knew them all. Not that I was prejudiced, but I thought my little sister was smart.

  I called Mary to tell her about my doctor appointment. I wanted to make sure she was okay with me leaving before my shift was up.

  “That’s fine, Rachel. I’m glad you called. Don’t forget I’m getting bloodwork done tomorrow. But you have the key. Just let yourself in.”

  “Is there anything special you’d like me to clean?”

  “Why don’t you finish the upstairs?”

  “Sounds great,” I said. “I’ll see you when you get home.”

  The next morning, Piper didn’t have much pep. “I think you’ve been staying up too late. You need to get to bed earlier.”

  “Uh-uh.” She shook her head.

  I knew better than to argue with Piper when she was tired. It always ended up badly for both of us. But I was glad when the bus came and hoped that her mood would change when she got to school and saw Jacy.

  As expected, Mary wasn’t home when I got to her house. I let myself in, took some cleaning supplies from the closet and headed upstairs. As I walked down the hall to the bedroom, my cellphone rang. “Hi, Judy.”

  “Hey, Rachel. Just checking in. Have you heard from Piper’s dad?”