Our Fragile Hearts

by Buffy Andrews

  “But what about Rachel Rose?” Piper said.

  Rachel pointed to the plastic bag on the chair. “I brought her with me.”

  I winked at Rachel. We’d talked about how to handle what happened and it seemed to go smoothly. I told Rachel and Piper that I had to make a phone call and would be back. Rachel said the doctor was going to discharge her but she had to wait until all of the paperwork was signed.

  I walked outside and called Ralph. I told him what happened. “If this doesn’t solidify our case I don’t know what will.”

  Ralph assured me he’d gather all of the evidence. In fact, he said he’d been reviewing photos and reports from the investigator when I called. “We have him coming out of a crack house and photos of what looks like a drug deal going down in the park across from the high school. This guy’s definitely a loose cannon. I don’t think we’ll have any problem getting his rights terminated.”

  “Good. That’s what I wanted to hear.”

  By the time I returned to the emergency room, Rachel was dressed and she and Piper were ready to go. “Do you want me to pull the car up to the door or are you able to walk?” I asked her.

  “I can walk,” Rachel said. “I’m not going to let anyone or anything keep me down.”

  I smiled. “That’s the spirit, Rachel. We’re survivors!”

  Chapter 39

  Rachel

  Days passed. The movers came and went. The painters came and went. And Mary had coordinated it all.

  Piper’s bedroom turned out beautiful, a garden of pink and white and lace and silk. Mary had surprised me, too. She had my bedroom painted a soft lilac and bought all new bedding. She’d learned from Piper that purple was my favorite color.

  “It’s beautiful, Mary,” I said. “I especially like the flat screen TV and laptop.”

  Mary hugged me. “You deserve it, Rachel.”

  Piper tugged on my shirt. “Will you paint my nails?”

  I bent down so I was eye to eye with Piper. “You’ve been biting them again, haven’t you?”

  Piper shrugged. “Maybe a little.”

  “Come on.” I grabbed Piper’s hand and led her into her bedroom.

  “I’m going to start dinner,” Mary said. “And give you two time alone.”

  Piper handed me a bottle of pink polish. “Can I paint your nails when you’re done painting mine?”

  Pink sparkly polish wasn’t my thing, but I didn’t want to disappoint Piper. “Besides, I could always remove it in a day or two.”

  I shook the bottle and took Piper’s hand, carefully dabbing on a little polish. “Do you want me to do your toes, too?”

  She nodded. “Mary said my swing set will be here soon.”

  “She did?” I looked up. Mary had not only purchased a swing set for Piper, but also a Victorian playhouse. “Do you think you’ll like living here?”

  Piper nodded. “I’ll miss my old house, but I like this one better. I like living with Mary. She’s a good cook. Better than you.”

  My eyes widened and Piper’s hand flew to her mouth. “I didn’t mean that, Rachel.”

  “It’s okay, Piper. You’re right. Mary’s a much better cook and she can teach you how to cook.”

  Piper smiled, flashing her missing tooth.

  “Piper,” I said, sitting down on the stool beside her. “Promise me you’ll listen to Mary. Be good for her. Do your homework and help her out around the house. I’ll be here, but I might be too sick to help her so you’ll have to.”

  “I will. But you have to promise me something.” Piper mashed her lips together and her chin wobbled.

  “What’s that, Pipe?”

  “That you won’t die.”

  I hugged Piper as she started to cry. “It’s okay, Pipe. I don’t plan on going anywhere.”

  I looked up to see Mary standing in the doorway, her hand clutching her heart. She sniffed. “Dinner’s ready, girls.”

  Piper and I walked into the dining room and my hand flew to my heart.

  “When did you get here?”

  Nick smiled. “Not long ago. Mary invited me to dinner.”

  Piper flew into Nick’s arms and he picked her up and walked over to me. He put Piper down and hugged me.

  I looked at Mary and she smiled. “I thought it might be nice to have Nick over.”

  “It is, Mary. Thanks.”

  We sat down at the table and held hands as Piper prayed.

  Amen!

  Mary had made my favorite, steak with baked potatoes and corn. That night we laughed and talked and Piper fell asleep on the couch while we watched a movie, something we rarely did on a school night. Nick carried her up the stairs and tucked her in bed, and I made sure her stuffed dog was beside her.

  I saw Nick to the door and he turned to look at me before leaving. “Rachel, let me know if you need me to do anything.”

  “Thanks, Nick. And thanks for coming over tonight. It was great seeing you.”

  “It was great seeing you, too.”

  I crawled into bed and called Claire.

  “Are you ready for tomorrow?” Claire asked.

  I wasn’t looking forward to starting chemotherapy the next day. The plan was to drop Piper off at school and then take me for my first treatment.

  “I’m scared, Claire.”

  “Rachel, you’re going to beat this.”

  “I wish I was just as sure. Is it wrong for me to be angry?”

  “Absolutely not. You’ve had a pretty sucky life. And just when things were getting better for you, you learned you had a kid sister that needed help. You gave up all your dreams to raise her and then this happens. It’s natural to feel angry.”

  “The thing is, Claire, I’m not angry about giving up my dreams to raise Piper. I’m angry about getting cancer and not being able to.”

  Claire was right. I’d given up my dream. But something had happened I hadn’t expected. I’d fallen in love with Piper. Sometimes, I looked at her and I’d see my five-year-old self. She had her whole life ahead of her and her sweet dreams were made of fairy dust and rainbows. I wanted her to have that magic, to grow up knowing that nothing was impossible.

  I got off the phone with Claire and heard a knock on the door. “Come in.”

  “Rachel, I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.” Mary walked over to my bed and sat down on the edge.

  I looked up at her. “Thank you.”

  “For what, my dear?”

  “For giving me a home.”

  “I’ll tell you a secret, Rachel,” Mary said. “Home isn’t a place.” She pointed to my heart. “Home is there.”

  “I’m not sure I understand.”

  “One day you will.”

  Mary hugged me and said goodnight and walked out my door. I lay in bed a long time trying to figure out what she had said. To me, a home was always a physical place. And I think what Mary was trying to tell me is that home is where your heart is.

  Chapter 40

  Mary

  I was going through the boxes the movers had put in the basement. I thought maybe I’d find some photos of the girls I could sit around. Most of the ones I found were of Piper and her mother. I set one aside. I’d ask Piper if she wanted to put it on her nightstand. It was in a pretty silver frame and would look lovely there.

  I opened another box and found a bunch of books. A white envelope was sticking out of one. I picked up the book and pulled out the letter. It was sealed and addressed to Rachel. I turned it over in my hand. I wonder if it’s from her mother?

  I found Rachel sitting on the bench watching Piper swing. I handed her the letter. “I was sorting through some of the boxes the movers packed and I found it sticking out of a book.”

  Rachel took the letter and stared at her name, written in blue ink.

  “It’s from your mother, isn’t it?”

  Rachel nodded. “What could she have possibly written that would make a difference now?”

  I patted Rachel’s back. “Maybe you should
open it and see.”

  Rachel handed the letter back to me. “I’m not sure I’m ready for that.”

  I held up the letter. “How about I put it in your nightstand? Maybe someday you’ll want to read it, and if you do, it’ll be there for you.”

  “I can’t imagine ever wanting to read anything she wrote.”

  I knew better than to push Rachel on the subject. She was as stubborn as they came. “I understand.” I stood to go back in the house.

  “Mary?”

  I turned around.

  “Thanks for showing it to me.”

  I smiled. “You know where it will be if you change your mind.”

  I walked up the stairs and into Rachel’s room. I opened the nightstand drawer and tucked it inside.

  I sat on her bed and glanced around her room. It was so hard for me to see Rachel so sick. I knew the chemo drained her. It hadn’t taken us long to get into a routine. I dropped Piper off at school and then took Rachel for chemo. Day in and day out. Nick came by to visit Rachel and take Piper bike riding. He’d taken off her training wheels and she’d only had one major crash that resulted in skinned knees and lots of Hello Kitty bandages. Claire came by on a regular basis, too. I was glad Rachel had them both.

  I stopped going to bridge when Doris, one of the regulars, made a rude comment. “Those girls are like feral cats,” she said one day. “Feed them and they won’t go away.”

  I wanted to slap her I was so mad. Instead I threw my cards down, walked out and never turned back. I didn’t need friends who referred to my girls as feral cats.

  Chapter 41

  Rachel

  I watched Piper play on her swing set. She wanted me to swing with her, but I was too tired. The chemo drained me. My life had become a revolving door of treatments, rest, more treatments. I felt as if I were on constant rewind. My own personal Groundhog Day hell.

  That night as I brushed my hair, a huge chunk came out. Even though I knew it would happen, nothing prepared me for what I felt just then. A total loss of control. A feeling that I’d been ruined in some way. The next morning, I found hair on my pillow and my scalp felt tender.

  After we dropped Piper off at school I asked Mary if she’d do me a favor.

  “Of course, Rachel. Whatever you want.”

  “Will you shave my head tonight?”

  Mary didn’t say anything for a few seconds but I could see her lips quiver. “Yes. I’ll shave it if that’s what you want.”

  “That’s what I want. Better than losing it a clump at a time. At least then I’m the one in control and making the decision on when I’ll go bald. We could even have a party to celebrate. A Shaving of the Head party.” I laughed.

  Mary looked at me and started laughing, too. It felt good to laugh. I hadn’t realized how starved I was for a deep belly laugh.

  That night, Claire and Nick surprised me. They showed up at Mary’s for the impromptu Shaving of the Head party Mary had thrown together. I woke up from a nap expecting to find Mary helping Piper with homework only to find them decorating the cozy sitting room off the kitchen. They had strung pink and white streamers and Piper made signs. Good luk Rachel. Hair today, gone tomarow. Balldays r bestest.

  Nick hugged me. “You look great.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You’re not a very good liar, Nick.”

  “No, seriously. You look good. Okay. You look better than I thought you would.”

  I smiled. “Thanks, I guess.”

  For a few moments, my life felt normal. We joked and laughed and Piper sang a song Mary had taught her about an ant moving a rubber tree plant.

  Mary spread a sheet out on the kitchen floor and placed a chair in the middle. “Are you ready, Rachel?”

  “Me first! Me first!” Claire shouted, rushing to sit down on the chair.

  My hand flew to my chest. “Claire, no! You can’t. Your hair is beautiful. Don’t do this for me!”

  Claire, who had thick brown hair that fell to the middle of her back, waved. “It’s only hair. It’ll grow back. Besides, think how much we’ll save not buying razors, shaving cream, shampoo or conditioner for the next eight months.”

  It was hard to argue with that logic.

  Mary held up the scissors. “Are you sure?”

  Claire nodded. “I’m sure.”

  I cried as I watched Mary cut Claire’s hair, cutting it as close to the scalp as she could. Then, using the shaver, she finished the job. Claire looked at the pile of hair surrounding the chair, then at me. “Your turn!”

  “Not quite.” Nick stepped forward. “I’m next.”

  “Nick, please. It’s not necessary,” I said.

  “I know it’s not necessary, but I want to.”

  Once again, Mary trimmed the hair down to the scalp then shaved the rest.

  Claire handed me her cellphone. “Take a photo of me and Nick. I’m going to post it on Instagram and Facebook and ask, ‘Who wears bald better?’”

  “You’re crazy, you know that?”

  Nick and Claire posed and I snapped a few photos.

  When it was finally my turn, I sat down, not nearly as scared as I would’ve been. Ever since I knew I had to get chemotherapy, I’d tried to picture what I’d look like bald. I knew it would eventually happen because I was determined I wasn’t going to lose pieces of myself bit by bit. There were few things in my life I had control over, but this one I did and I wasn’t going to give that up. I wanted to be the one to call the shots on the things I still could.

  It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be, mostly because of Nick and Claire. Mary had bought a boatload of scarves and hats.

  “When did you buy all this?” I asked.

  “Piper and I stopped after school at this great boutique on Madison and Broadway.”

  I knew the boutique they were talking about because I’d met a young mother getting chemo for breast cancer who told me that’s where she bought all of her scarves. Every time I saw her, she was sporting a different one. They were absolutely beautiful.

  Claire fashioned a purple paisley one on my head. “You look beautiful, Rachel. Now you put one on me.”

  Just like Claire had done, I wrapped a floral fuchsia one around her head.

  “Hey, what about me?” Nick asked.

  Mary left and returned with a brown tweed newsboy cap and handed it to Nick. “Try this!”

  Nick put the cap on his head and smiled. “What do you think?”

  I laughed. “You look very debonair.”

  “Yeah,” Claire said. “Wear that when you want to be sophisticated. For the motorcycle you, just cover your head with a red bandana.”

  When I went to bed that night, I opened my nightstand drawer to get out my reading lamp. I noticed Mom’s letter. I wasn’t ready to read anything she had to say.

  I fell asleep but was awakened a few hours later by a storm. Thunder roared outside my bedroom window and the trees shook like maracas. I heard a knock at my door and then a tiny voice. “Rachel?”

  I sat up and turned on the small lamp on my nightstand. “What’s wrong, Piper? Is it the storm?”

  She walked over to the bed, dragging Rachel Rose by one arm. “Can I sleep with you?”

  “Sure.” I lifted up the blanket so she could crawl in bed beside me.

  “Rachel?”

  “Yeah, Pipe.”

  “Are you scared?”

  “Of the storm?”

  “No, of cancer.”

  Since my diagnosis, I’d tried to shield Piper from what I was really feeling. I didn’t want to scare her. She’d been through so much and I didn’t want her to worry about me. On the other hand, I wanted to be honest with her. I wanted her to know that if something happened to me, she’d have Mary. I didn’t want her to think she’d be alone. I know what it feels like to be alone in a world that can be mean and harsh and unforgiving.

  “A little,” I finally said. “But you and I have each other and Mary. And Pipe, Mary’s not going to go away. She will a
lways be here for you, even if I’m not.”

  “But I don’t want you to die, Rachel.”

  “I don’t plan on that happening. I promise you I’ll fight and beat this.”

  “And then we’ll be together forever, right?”

  “Right, Pipe. Forever.”

  Chapter 42

  Mary

  When Piper wasn’t in her room, I figured she was in Rachel’s. I lightly knocked on the door.

  “Come in.”

  I opened the door and walked in. “I had a feeling I’d find Piper here.”

  “She was afraid of the storm,” Rachel explained.

  I smiled. “I woke up to some great news.”

  Rachel looked at me “Is it what I think it is?”

  I nodded.

  Rachel slipped out of bed without waking up Piper. It was Saturday and she could sleep in as late as she wanted. She put on her robe and followed me into the kitchen.

  I poured myself a cup of tea. “Would you like some?”

  “Yes, please.”

  “So,” I said, “Ralph called this morning. Piper’s dad’s rights have been terminated.”

  “This quickly?”

  I nodded. “Turns out with all of the evidence we’d compiled against him along with that most recent arrest the courts took everything away from him.”

  I punched the air. “Yes!” This was the news I’d been waiting for.

  “So, how do you feel about becoming a McAlaster?”

  Rachel started to cry. “I’d be honored to take your name, but I need to talk to Piper.”

  “Of course. Maybe when I go to the NICU later today you and Piper can talk. And please, Rachel, if she has any questions let me know. I can sit down and talk to both of you.”

  “I’m trying to think if I were Piper what I’d want to know. Like how does being adopted change anything.”

  “Good point,” I said. “For now, very little will change, other than her name. But as she grows older she’ll have opportunities afforded to her that she might not have had otherwise. Like you.”

  “What are you saying, Mary?”

  “I’m saying that you’re going to be my daughter and as such you will have money to do the things you want to do.”