The Back Building

by Julie Dewey

“Wow. That’s a long time to be here. I hope to be out of here in a few weeks,” I admitted.

  “Now it’s my turn to laugh. You aren’t going anywhere in a few weeks. I have been here for three years. So have most of these ladies. We are all told it’ll be a month, then six months. A year at most.”

  “Well, I’m not, um, sick like you are. I just don’t agree with my parents. I am here to get help with that and then I am going home to be with my family,” I said stoically.

  “I hope so, Iona, I really do.” Rose Mary suddenly looked very dazed and drool dripped down her chin, her convulsions came on slowly at first, then I watched in horror as her body twisted and contorted itself on the ground. Emily and the other attendants came running as I screamed and they held Rose Mary in such a way that kept her from hurting herself.

  “Everyone, snack time is over. Please retreat to your rooms. I will gather the group when it’s time for supper.” Emily said, addressing all the patients in the lounge.

  “Just because Rose Mary is having a fit doesn’t mean the rest of us should be held prisoners in our rooms,” one of the woman said glaring at Rose Mary with disdain.

  I looked her up and down not sure if I cared for her selfish attitude, couldn’t she see Rose Mary was in dire need of medical attention?

  “What you looking at, Kid? Huh?” The woman asked me directly.

  Emily stood up from assisting Rose Mary and walked toward the other patient. Her name was Sam. She told me she was born into the wrong body, she wanted to be a boy, but was instead a girl. She wanted to be housed with the men and felt her confinement with the women was the worst humanly possible assault against her.

  I heard Emily speaking sternly to Sam, but decided this was as good a time as any to go back to my room and nap. I always liked naps and was suddenly overcome with exhaustion; even my muscles ached and needed a rest. It had been a whirlwind of a day. I missed the smells that wafted through our house and soaked into the fabric of our everyday life. I missed my hens, Millie and Evelyn. I would give anything to be outside setting traps and enjoying Father’s land. But, instead, I was in a hospital for the insane, some of whom were criminally insane and frightening. I failed to understand how being among truly crazy people would make me get well. But I trusted that my parents wouldn’t send me some place on a whim. They said this was the best place for me to heal and get help. If they would only come and get me now I would promise to obey them at every turn. I would learn to sew and embroider. I would cook and do laundry and clean, too. I just wanted to be home. I felt more confused than ever as I drifted to sleep.

  A loud knock, different from Emily’s, forced me awake. I answered my door and was surprised to see Rose Mary standing before me.

  “Can I come in?” she asked clutching a handkerchief with her left hand.

  “Sure,” I said, opening my door wider to allow her entrance.

  “I am sorry if I scared you before, my seizures, they come out of nowhere sometimes. I should have warned you.” She dabbed her runny nose and folded the handkerchief where it was now damp.

  “It’s okay. Are you alright, though?” I asked sitting up. I admit that seeing her in such an uncontrollable state was unsettling for me.

  “I am fine once they’re over. I get really tired from the adrenaline but at least I am back in control now. When I have a seizure I can’t control anything, I am sure I must look really weird.”

  “Scary. That’s how you looked.” I did my best impression of her eyeballs rolled up into her head and tongue hanging down. Rose Mary let out a loud laugh and then I did too.

  “Iona, I hope you are the one that really does get to go home in a few weeks. You seem pretty normal to me. Except for your hair. What were you thinking?”

  “I just got so mad and pulled a bunch of it out, then I wanted it all to match so I cut it. There was no harm done to anyone but myself. Still, my parents are embarrassed and think any girl who would want short hair is crazy,” I admitted.

  “I understand that, my parents were always embarrassed around me. I would have seizures in church or in the salon and my mother was useless. She just cried as I rolled around on the floor, but really I know she hated her friends seeing me that way. They sent me away because there is no cure for epilepsy. I could be here forever, who knows.”

  “Jeepers. I feel really bad for you. It’s not like you’re crazy and yet you’re stuck here in the hospital. Well, at least there are classes, and movies, and things to do, right?”

  “Yeah, I suppose. I am learning to keep a positive attitude. Well, I’ll see you later, I am getting tired again but just wanted to apologize.” She stood to leave.

  “Please don’t apologize, and thanks for coming, that was nice,” I said, grateful for anyone who dared to show me that I existed.

  The day and night passed uneventfully, Emily led us to supper in the dining hall. We had a seating arrangement and I was pleased that Rose Mary was placed beside me. Our meal was of braised pork, applesauce, and biscuits. We even had fruit cups with sweetened cream and then tea to finish off our meal.

  Emily said good night to all of her charges and told me that breakfast was at eight o’clock in the morning. It would be followed by my appointment with Dr. Macy at nine o’clock.

  The creaks and settling sounds the building made didn’t allow me much sleep. I felt very much alone and was scared. I wanted my blanket for comfort but hadn’t received my belongings yet. I would ask the doctor if I could please write to my parents tomorrow, although I know correspondence is forbidden in the first week, I felt I didn’t belong here and this was an emergency.

  Chapter Three

  Reality

  In the morning I walked from my room to the communal shower covering my private areas with the small towel I was given, and feeling ill at ease. I counted and noted my paces as usual. The spray from the nozzle was sparse and cold, and worse, anyone could come in and see me naked. I shampooed my scalp as quickly as possible, and then soaped my underarms and feet. Rinsing thoroughly, I wrapped my body in the scratchy towel and was in and out of the shower in mere minutes. Back in the privacy of my room, I donned one of the dresses that hung in the closet. The dress fit fine, it was billowy and grey, neither of which I minded. If anything it made me look younger than I was, but that was okay.

  Breakfast was comprised of sausage links, pancakes, and maple syrup. We also had a tall glass of milk and fresh fruit. My mother would never permit me to eat so lavishly, but then, mother wasn’t here. I ate my fill and felt more than satisfied. I stared at the clock, noting I had fifty minutes before my appointment with the doctor. I had fifty minutes to contrive a way to convince him I was better off at home, with my family. Granted they didn’t want me, but I would change. Forty-nine minutes.

  Finally, Emily came to escort me across the square created by facility buildings to the Chapin House, which was the centralized building where the doctors assessed their patients.

  I sat in a sterile waiting room alone, fidgeting with my hands and biting my nails until they bled. Finally, one of the two office doors opened and a man appeared before me. He held a leather-bound journal to his chest that presumably held my paperwork. According to the sign across his doorway this man was Doctor William Macy. He was stout, wore glasses, had a mustache that curled slightly at the ends, and smiled wholeheartedly at me. My heart dropped as he smiled, for I smelled a trap.

  “Iona, what a pretty name. Please come in to my office.” He stepped aside like a gentleman and let me enter before him. (Five paces from chair to chair.) His office was tidy and sparse. He had an oak desk and matching chair, a hook behind the door for his coat and hat and two extra seats pushed against the wall.

  “So, tell me, how is everyone treating you so far?” His eyes lingered on my shaved head for a moment too long.

  “Just fine.” I said trying to be brave.

  “Forgive me. I didn’t properly introduce myself. I am Doctor Macy. I have been the attendant in charge for two yea
rs now. You have been assigned to me as case number 2,343. But I prefer to call you by your name: Iona.” The doctor stood to shake my hand and I did the same.

  “Now that we are acquainted, why don’t you tell me as much as you can about yourself? Your likes and dislikes. We’ll just get to know each other a little better today, okay?” he asked.

  “Well, I like to be outside.”

  “Good, very good.” He took out his steel pen and began his copious note taking in the notebook.

  “I don’t like to be inside.” This should have gone without saying but I felt the need to spell it out since I was feeling claustrophobic.

  “Okay, understood. What is it you like to do outside?” He asked without looking up from his pad of paper.

  “I like to take walks. I like the fresh air. I like to be with my family’s horses, and also the chickens. I like to hunt, and my family thinks that is improper.” I crossed my arms in my lap and held them close.

  “Tell me about the chickens, are they your responsibility then?”

  “Well, I collect their eggs. Did you know the color of the hen’s ears dictates the color of her eggs?”

  “I didn’t know that, that is interesting,” he said seeming genuinely impressed by my knowledge of the bird.

  “I like to be outside so I take a long time collecting eggs. I sit in the coop and tell the birds stories and I sing to them sometimes too.”

  “So, would you consider the chickens to be your pets?”

  “Sort of, I guess, yes.”

  “It says here you pluck their feathers and that you strangled one? Tell me about that.” He pushed his glasses up further on his nose and looked directly at me. His eyes penetrated right through me, making me uncomfortable.

  I looked down at my white knuckles. “Well, it was Hetty’s job, but Hetty doesn’t like blood. I told her I would do it for her. One time she had to wrangle a chicken and pluck it, she really didn’t like the work at all. I don’t mind the task so I did it for her.”

  “You don’t mind even though they are your friends, or pets, rather?”

  This felt like a trick question. “Well, Sir, Hetty is my friend, too. Either way the chicken in question was going to be served for dinner that night, so I just offered to save Hetty the trouble.”

  “I understand. Tell me about Hetty then. What is she like?”

  “Hetty is funny. She tells me some good jokes that make me laugh.”

  “Where did you meet? How did you meet?”

  “She works for us two days a week, she does all the hard chores like scrubbing floors and the baseboards as well as the tub and toilet. She does the laundry too. Her hands are always cracking and bleeding from her calluses.”

  “If I understand correctly, your parents employ her to work. How did the two of you become friends when she is so busy working?”

  Another trick. “Well, my mother wanted me to shadow Hetty because she is such a good worker. She always gets the rings out of the tub and the floors shine when she is done with them. The laundry smells good and fresh and is always properly pressed.”

  “I wish I had someone like Hetty!” He laughed.

  “Yes, she is really nice to me too.”

  “How so?”

  “Well, she has patience with me. She never yells at me when I scorch a shirt or dump a pail of water by accident. She just tells me to learn from it and do better next time.”

  “She sounds very wise. How old is Hetty?”

  “Hetty is a few years older than me.” I liked talking about Hetty, but it made me sad too because I missed her something fierce. A tear welled up in the corner of my eyes and threatened to spill down my cheek.

  “You look sad. What’s wrong, Iona?” he asked with true empathy.

  “I just miss Hetty. I want to go home,” I admitted.

  “I know you do. What would you do differently if you went home?” There it was, the question I had been waiting for.

  “Well, I would listen to my parents and become a proper young lady. I would cook and sew and do whatever else they wanted. I would mind them better,” I said.

  “I understand you have a new baby coming into the folds of the family soon?”

  “Yes, and I want to be there to meet him.”

  “Him?”

  “Or her, but I think it’s a boy. My mother mostly has boys.”

  “I see.”

  The doctor closed his pad and put the top on his pen. He told me he’d really like it if I stayed a while longer. He thought I would start to like the facility once I got used to it. He also told me I could volunteer anywhere I wanted in Hadley Hall, the entertainment building. I would think about it I told him. Then I was released to Emily who sat outside the office waiting to bring me back to the ward. We took a detour through Hadley Hall and Emily showed me the bowling lanes. I was interested to try the sport so I lifted one of the balls but it was so heavy that Emily laughed when I tried to roll it down the lane.

  “Tomorrow we have bowling, there will be lighter balls then. These are set out for the men!”

  She showed me the cinema room, the theater, the basketball court currently being used by ten men playing an intense game, and finally the snack bar. We filled cups with popcorn and nuts and walked back to the third ward.

  “So, did he tell you about our new patient?”

  “No, he didn’t, why do you suppose he would?”

  “Well, she is your age. Her name is Kate and they are trying her out on the third ward since you’re here. The doctor hopes that being with someone her own age will help her.”

  “In what way?” I asked wondering what this Kate needed help with.

  “I am not really at liberty to say, let’s just hope it all works out. She’ll be arriving tomorrow.”

  “Hmm, okay. That will be good I guess, I already have one friend, but two would be good.”

  “Oh yeah, who did you connect with?” Emily asked.

  “I like Rose Mary. She’s really nice.”

  “Rose Mary, huh.” She didn’t say anything else but soon enough we were full from snacks and I was told we’d be taking a trip to the chapel at eleven so to be ready.

  I put on the nicest dress and shoes from the closet and waited until it was time to go to church. My suitcase with all my clothes still hadn’t come and I forgot to mention that to the doctor. It irked me that someone was going through my things and I wanted them back. I wanted my stationery so I could write my parents, double gosh darn it. I forgot to ask about that too.

  I couldn’t sleep, so I just fidgeted while I waited for our chapel trip. Finally it was time to go. We walked down the steps and through the second ward, a route I had not taken before, (one hundred and seven paces). Patients were more vocal on this level and I even saw two of the staff holding down one young woman with blood smeared across her forehead.

  “Never mind about that, they are doing their job, understand?” Emily asked me.

  “Uh huh,” I said, but I didn’t like how the patient was being restrained at all. I needed to get out of here before that happened to me.

  The service was attended by our group and one other from the men’s ward. The men were all much older, I would guess by their grey hair they were all in their sixties. Some of them drooled and others closed their eyes and slept during the sermon. It was a little unsettling but soon enough it was over.

  After church my group went outdoors for recreational therapy. We were allowed to walk along the property and would resume with a picnic by the lake. Just being outside helped me to settle my nerves.

  We had drumsticks and cornbread along with carrot sticks and celery. I took my lunch to the lonely wooden bench and sat eating while I looked across the tranquil lake. It was very still today, and the sun glistened off the water. The leaves were changing color and the air was crisp, I felt optimistic in this moment. I knew I could get home if I could get my hands on some paper. I knew I could survive a few more days and felt hopeful indeed. I ran my hands through my sh
ort, bristly hair and wondered what possessed me to cut it? My mother said my hair was among my greatest physical attributes. Maybe that was why I did it, so that my mother would see me, not my hair. I would discuss this with the doctor at my next appointment. Funny he never once mentioned my hair, or lack thereof, today.

  When our picnic was over we walked the long way back to our residence. I admit I did feel refreshed. Perhaps the methodology of recreational therapy worked after all.

  ***

  The new girl arrived and she was assigned to be my roommate. She had a bed in the opposite corner from mine but we shared the wardrobe. She was just lounging on her elbow, biting her nails when I twisted the doorknob and opened the door.

  “Ha-ha-ha!” She blurted when I walked in. “What happened to you? You look like a boy!”

  “Nothing happened to me. I cut it,” I said, perturbed both by the fact this new patient was in my room and by the fact she was so bold.

  “You look ridiculous.” She said.

  “I don’t care.” I retorted.

  “Is that why you’re in here? You are not to be trusted with scissors?” She laughed.

  “You could say that, what are you here for? Being rude?”

  “Good one. No, although I am prone to violence. I am here for my lack of self-control.”

  “Never heard that one before. But then again I just got here.”

  “I was at Utica’s Insane Asylum before being transferred here. Thank God, I need some new prospects.”

  “I am afraid to ask,” I said gulping down the bile that was rising in my throat.

  “Boys, stupid. I need some poor unsuspecting boys, or men, doesn’t matter, to fall madly in love with me. Then I’ll have my way with them.” She grabbed my pillow and began mauling it.

  “I don’t understand.”

  “You will. You’re still young. I’m Kate, by the way, but everyone calls me Cat.” She laughed and then opened the door and walked out like she owned the place. I followed her only because I was looking for Emily. I wanted to ask about my suitcase and stationery.

  “You following me, Kid?”