I spent the morning dealing with a few freshman issues and putting together notes from our last RA meeting. Afterwards, I stripped the sheets from my bed and trundled them down to the laundry room. The sun shone through windows as I came back in, and I paused, watching the dust motes dance along a beam that ended on my desk. A framed photograph was nearly hidden by the pile of books. I reached for it, carefully smoothing my fingers over the glass. My sister’s face smiled up at me, her dark eyes laughing, her mouth open as though she were about to share the joke.
A pain I’d thought had dulled to an ache squeezed my heart. I sat down at my desk, wishing I could have just five minutes more with Antonia. If I could call and ask her advice about this whole mess with Liam, I knew she’d help me see things clearly. Of course, if she were still around, maybe I wouldn’t be the same Ava. Maybe I’d be the kind of girl who went on dates and kissed boys and didn’t care about graduating with honors. I cold hardly remember that girl.
The rosary my grandmother had given me for confirmation usually hung over the frame. I retrieved it from where it had slipped down onto the desk and draped it on the corner. Fingering the small wooden beads, I had an idea.
I turned some music on over our sound system and dusted and vacuumed our room to the accompaniment of Frank Sinatra singing The Girl from Ipanema.Old school, yes, but I couldn’t help the music I loved. I kept my Frank-obsession to a minimum when Julia was around, but alone I could listen all I wanted without her commentary.
Once the room was clean, I moved my sheets to the dryer, and then I got dressed and walked across campus to Our Lady of Mercy.
When I was growing up, my family had never missed a Sunday morning Mass. Father Byers was the priest who’d christened me and given me my First Holy Communion. He had been transferred before my confirmation, but to my surprise, it turned out he was rector at the church in Gatbury. My parents were overjoyed to know he was there; I think it gave them peace of mind, since they weren’t able to see me often. I liked having someone familiar nearby, too.
Father Byers was in his office when I knocked on the door. He greeted me with a smile.
“Come in! Have a seat. What can I do for you?”
“I thought I’d come to mass today. And I wondered if you’d hear my confession beforehand, if you have time.”
“Of course.” He leaned back in his chair, studying me over the top of his glasses. “Is this a booth kind of confession, or a talk face-to-face confession?”
I sighed. “I think I’d rather stay in here, if you don’t mind. I could use some guidance.”
He nodded. “What’s up?”
It only took a few minutes for me to pour out the abbreviated version of the last few weeks. Father Byers listened, but he didn’t speak until I finished.
“So you’re struggling because you feel guilty for having feelings toward your friend Julia’s former boyfriend?”
“Yes. I mean, if they had just had a friendly break-up, I guess it wouldn’t be so bad. But the way he treated her ... and how she feels toward him ... it’s like I’m betraying her.”
“Hmmm.” He stared over my shoulder for a few minutes, rubbing his chin in silence. I sat still, knowing that he was deep in thoughtful prayer.
“Ava, I’m glad you’re unhappy about this situation.” I raised my eyebrows, but he waved his hand. “No, I know. But it’s a sign that there’s something going on that you need to address. I’m not sure I understand this girl code you talk about. I think you’re afraid you might be betraying your friend, and that’s a valid concern, since you haven’t been honest with her.”
“So do I tell her? What if she never speaks to me again? That would kill me.”
“And what will happen when she finds out from someone else? Far better coming from you in the form of an apology.”
I sighed long and hard. “You’re right. Okay. I’ll talk to her.” I paused, toying with the edge of my scarf. “What about Liam? I need to walk away, right? Forget about him?”
Father Byers templed his fingers over his nose. “Is this Liam Catholic?”
I tried to remember if we’d ever discussed religion while he was going out with Julia. “I’m not sure. I don’t think so.”
The priest grimaced. “Well, if your mother asks, I advised you to find a good Catholic boy. Better yet, a good Catholic Italian boy. But for our purposes here, I think you should follow your heart. Within the teachings of the Church, of course.”
I sighed. “It doesn’t really matter, anyway. I don’t have time for someone like Liam in my life. I can’t risk losing my focus.”
“Ava, I appreciate your dedication. I know your parents are proud of you. But try to remember that fun isn’t necessarily sinful. It’s all right to relax every once in a while.”
When I didn’t answer, Father Byers stood up. “Let me get my stole, and I’ll give you absolution. Then I need to get ready to say Mass.”
***
I KNEW FATHER Byers was right, and I needed to come clean to Julia. But still, I dragged my feet. After Mass, I hid out at the library for the rest of the afternoon. It was dark by the time I made a quick trip to Beans. I ordered my espresso and found a table in the back, where I opened my computer to work on my term paper.
“I thought I’d find you here.”
I jerked my eyes from the screen to Liam’s face. He stood across the table, his hands on the empty chair, grinning down at me.
“Liam, I’m busy. Please leave.”
“I’ve been texting you all day, and you’ve been ignoring me. I thought we were past that.”
“You might be, but I’m not. Nothing has changed. Except ...” I took a deep breath. “I’m going to talk to Jules and tell her everything. I can’t keep lying to my best friend.”
I’d half-expected Liam to protest, but as usual, he surprised me.
“Good. Then we don’t have to sneak around.”
I rolled my eyes. “You’re missing the point. After I tell her, I’m not seeing you again.”
“Why not? I thought your guilt trip was about not telling Julia.”
“Do you ever listen to me?” I folded my napkin into a neat square. “I don’t have time go out with you. I don’t do romance, I don’t go on dates, and that’s final.”
“Then what was the other day in the car? And that night in your room?”
“Temporary insanity. And now I’m cured.” I finished my coffee and stood up. “Good-bye, Liam.”
I chucked my cup in the trash, and I didn’t look back as I walked out the door.
AS IT TURNED out, it was Tuesday before I talked to Julia. Between her dates with Jesse—things were definitely heating up there—and my class schedule, we kept missing each other. I didn’t push the issue; the idea of having to confess all became scarier the more I thought about it.
She hijacked me Tuesday morning as I was getting ready for my early class, and we agreed to meet at Beans that afternoon. My stomach rolled ominously all day, and the closer the end of the day came, the worse I felt.
I arrived at the coffee shop first. It tended to get busy in the late afternoon, so I got in line, ordered our drinks and found a table before Julia even got there. I’d been sitting there, turning my Styrofoam cup in slow circles when I saw her come in. She scanned the room, and I waved to get her attention.
“Hey, there you are.” She dropped her bag in the empty chair and sat down across from me.
“I ordered you a mocha latte on ice. Even though I think you’re crazy to drink cold stuff in the winter.”
She laughed. “I’m quirky, what can I say? Thanks. And it’s not that cold out today. The sun feels good.”
“Yeah.” I picked up the paper wrapper from my straw and began folding it into tiny geometric shapes. I swallowed hard over the lump in my throat.
“Ave.” Jules caught my hand and squeezed it. “What’s up? This is me. I know everything about you, and I love you anyway. Remember, I’m the one who’s been driving you nuts being
needy and insane the last three months.”
I raised my eyebrow. “Only the last three months?”
She grinned. “Thanks, I love you, too. But seriously, tell me what’s going on.”
This was it. I took a deep breath and licked my dry lips. “Jules, I do love you. You know that, right? You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. We might joke about that, but it’s true. I would never, ever hurt you for anything in the world.”
Julia frowned. “Okay, yeah, I know all that. Ave, you’re freaking me out.”
The smell of my espresso was making me nauseated. I pushed it away. “That Friday night, when you had your first date with Jesse, Liam came over as you were leaving.”
She nodded. “Right. You said after I left, he just went on about me going out with other guys, blah, blah, blah. You told him to mind his own business.”
“Yes. That’s what happened.” I took a deep breath. “To a certain point. When you left, he was standing in the hall. I didn’t plan to let him into our room. He kept talking, and I was trying to get him to leave. And that girl Rachel—the freshman? She was walking by with a bunch of her friends. Liam didn’t want her to see him, so he asked if he could come in for a minute. And he did.”
I leaned my head into my hands. This next part would be easier if I didn’t have to look Julia in the eye. “I swear, Jules, I never thought anything would happen. I figured he would finish what he was saying, I’d get him to leave, and I could go back to my homework. But then we got talking. I was giving him a hard time about Rachel, and he said nothing happened between them. It was a mistake.”
Julia snorted. “Yeah, a big mistake he was making out with in front of all our friends just to shake me loose. What goes around ...”
I nodded, still not looking up. “I said pretty much the same thing. And he said it was more complicated than we knew, but he felt bad that you were making mistakes when it was his fault.”
“Same old song. Ava, I still don’t see—”
“I’m not finished.” I spoke through clenched teeth. “After that, we were just talking. I had forgotten how much I used to enjoy that when you guys were dating. And then I got out some wine-coolers. And Liam started telling me about how he’s not sure he wants to go into the career his parents want for him, and ... I don’t even remember what I said, but the next thing I knew, he was kissing me.”
For a moment, Julia was silent. I chanced a peek at her face. Her eyes were wide, and her mouth hung open.
“Oh my God! Are you freaking kidding me? And here I was thinking he might be changing. Ave, I am so sorry. He’s an asshole.”
It would have been easy to leave it that. But it wouldn’t have been right.
I swallowed again. “Jules, you don’t understand. It wasn’t just him kissing me. I kissed him back. And ... more.”
Jules leaned forward. “More? What do you ... Ava, did you sleep with him?”
“No.” I shook my head. “But there was kissing. And touching.”
Julia sat back in her chair, her hands flat on the table. I could see the shock and the anger, and I waited for her to blast me for my betrayal. Instead she looked into my eyes and sighed.
“Ava, I’m not mad. Not at you, anyway. I’m surprised. Shocked. I don’t know what to say.”
I leaned forward, needing her to understand. “I didn’t, either. After he left, I felt stupid. I figured he was probably using me to get back at you for all the guys he thought you were seeing. But then he called and he texted, and he kept trying to talk with me.”
She shook her head. “This is a mess. I get-I mean, I mostly get—how you could kiss him. He’s hot, he’s good and you’re not the first girl he’s conned into a make-out session or worse, I bet. I hope you told him to go to hell when he called you.”
I twisted my fingers together. “I tried to. But he’s been relentless. I actually saw him a few times this week.” The memory of our kiss in the car at the park burned across my mind. “I feel stupid for doing it. I’m so, so sorry, Jules. Can you forgive me?”
She poked her drink with the straw. “There’s nothing to forgive. I don’t care about Liam. I only care about you. If I really thought you two could work, I’d deal with it. But we know Liam. He’ll only break your heart.”
I sniffed as tears threatened. “Everyone knows you don’t make out with your best friend’s ex. Ever. What’s the matter with me? I’m a horrible bitch.”
“You are not. Liam is a master manipulator. I just wish you’d told me right away, so you didn’t have to agonize over it.” She paused, drawing circles on the side of her damp cup. “Ava ... why didn’t you tell me? You’re not interested in going out with him, are you?”
I thought of Liam’s hand holding mine, the laughter in his eyes as we talked. And I pushed it away. “Of course not. It was temporary insanity, I guess.” I repeated the same words I’d given him.
Jules nodded. “Okay.” She stared down at the table, and I knotted my hands. I had thought that coming clean to Julia was going to make everything better, and I did feel a sense of relief. But a strange heaviness had also settled down in the pit of my stomach, as though I had lost something I’d never had.
THERE WAS AN odd, almost uncomfortable quiet between Julia and me as we walked to our room. She disappeared to take a shower once we were back inside, and I changed into yoga pants and a hoodie. I climbed into bed, slipped in my earbuds and turned on music. I hit my favorite go-to play list, heavy on the Frank Sinatra tunes, and his Body and Soul poured into my ears. Anything to drown out the pain.
A chirp interrupted my song, and I glanced down at the message from Liam.
Did you tell her?
I began to delete it, and then changed my mind. He deserved to know that much, I decided.
Yes. It’s fine.
Go out with me tonight. I’ll meet you somewhere.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I pushed away the memories of Liam’s laugh, his eyes when he looked at me, the feel of his lips over mine ... and instead, I chose to think about only all the terrible things he had done. Intentionally hurting Julia. Making poor Rachel the freshman cry. All the girls he’d dated and tossed away before he and Jules got together. I had to be strong, and in order to do that, I had to focus on the bad.
No.
I hit send, and then I went back and deleted all of his texts from my phone. I opened my Behavior Disorders book and started reading as Julia came in, bringing steamy air from her shower. I was vaguely aware of her as she dried her hair and pulled out her own homework. But I was preoccupied until a pillow hit me in the head.
I jumped and pulled out my earbuds. “What was that for?”
“It’s dinner time. Want me to get takeout? You look pretty snuggled down there.”
I shrugged. “Whatever. I’m not hungry.”
She climbed into bed with me. “What’s wrong? You’re not still worried I’m mad, are you? I’m not.”
I pressed my lips together and shook my head. “I’m disappointed in myself. All this time, I’ve been focusing on school stuff, getting good grades, keeping my scholarship. I guess part of me thought I was above all that boy stuff. I stick to my path, and I don’t give dating a thought. Well, not much, anyway. But then some guy who I know is a jerk and a player comes along and kisses me, and I’m no better than any other lovesick girl.”
“Lovesick?” Julia raised her eyebrows at me.
I flushed. “A figure of speech.”
She laid her head on my shoulder. “Ave, you’re the most amazing person I know. You’re gorgeous, smart and funny. All you’d have to do is let it happen, and guys would be falling at your feet. But you have a plan, and you stay focused. Just because you have one little slip-up doesn’t mean you’ve failed. I can tell you Liam Bailey isn’t just a typical guy. He might be a class-A ass, but the boy knows how to kiss. And what to say to a girl, when he’s in the mood to be charming. So don’t beat yourself up.”
I closed my eyes and dropped
my head back. This was not helping me forget the parts of Liam that tempted me.
Julia sat up. “I didn’t tell you. I had a meeting today with Dr. Turner. I’ve decided not to write that story for the blog. At least, I’m not naming names.”
“What made you change your mind?” I turned on my side and pulled the blanket up over my arm.
She shook her head. “I don’t know. I guess it was realizing that I’ve moved on. I had such a good time with Jesse last night. It’s easy, and it feels right, you know? Not the constant up and down and angst there was with Liam. I ran it all by Dr. Turner, and she gave me some good advice.”
“So all the revenge plans are abandoned?” I caught the side of my lip between my teeth.
“I guess. When I saw him this afternoon, I--”
I sat up fast, almost knocking Julia off the bed in the process.
“You saw Liam this afternoon?”
“Yeah. Sorry, I guess I forgot, with us talking about everything else. He was standing outside the building here when I got back from seeing Dr. Turner.”
“What was he doing here?”
Jules shook her head. “I have no idea. He was kind of cagey about it. No, that’s not true. He was, like, nervous. And he apologized for the other day. I mean, really said he was sorry, not the typical cover-his-ass-and-not-take-any-blame crap. I almost fell over.”
“He apologized?”
“Yeah, for what that’s worth.”
My mind began to race. I needed to get Liam out of my system, off my mind, once and for all. He wasn’t going to give up as long as he thought there was a chance for us—and clearly I wasn’t very good at being firm when I was with him. But maybe there was a way to convince him, give Jules her payback and get my life on track again.
“Jules, what would you think about throwing another birthday party?”
She stared at me. “What do you mean?”
“My birthday is in two weeks. Give me a party. And we’ll both get what we want. You’ll have revenge, and I’ll get him to leave me alone.”
Just Desserts Page 5
