Just Desserts

by Kandle, Tawdra

  But to my surprise, I didn’t have to be the one to slow us down. Liam moved his mouth, kissing up to my collarbone, and pulled my dress back over to cover me. He pushed back until he was sitting against the wall and propped me up so that my face was close to his. And then he dropped his head back on long, deep sigh.

  “I don’t want to stop.” He spoke with his eyes closed as his fingers rubbed my hip. “If I could, I’d lay you down here on this bed and kiss every inch of your body ... I’d make you come until you forgot your own name. I’d lose myself in you for hours.”

  My mouth went dry, and I may have actually whimpered.

  “But that’s not what you really want.”

  I wasn’t so sure about that.

  “You’d be upset after. And I don’t want you to think that’s all I’m interested in. I want to take you out. I want to have dinner with you, and talk about politics, history, psychology ... all the shit that makes your eyes get bright when I bring it up.”

  I nodded, even though I wasn’t sure I didn’t want him to go back to the first part. The part about kissing every inch of my body.

  Liam brushed my hair back from my face and looked down into my eyes. “I’m not sure what’s going on in your head. Hell, I don’t even know what I’m thinking. But I want to figure it out.”

  He kissed me again, holding my head in his hands, letting his lips rub languorously against mine. I relaxed into his arms, letting him move me at will.

  At some point, I snuggled down into Liam’s chest and dozed off. Only when my back protested my position did I wake up.

  Liam’s eyes were closed, and his head had lolled to the side. When I shifted and stretched my legs, he smiled. My heart lurched at that moment, and an odd feeling crashed over me. I didn’t want to think about what it was.

  “Sorry. Guess I fell asleep.”

  I rolled over and stood up, straightening my wrinkled dress. Liam climbed off the bed as well, checked the clock on Julia’s desk.

  “Holy shit, it’s three in the morning.” He grinned and lifted a strand of my hair. “You really wore me out.”

  My face reddened, and he laughed. “I guess I better go.”

  I wondered if he wanted me to invite him to stay with me. It was almost morning anyway, and a few more hours wouldn’t make much of a difference. While the college administration officially frowned on resident advisors having overnight visitors of the opposite sex, I knew they also looked the other way. No one was going to turn me for having Liam Bailey in my room.

  But I didn’t say anything. I was still too unsure about this whole situation. What I had planned to do to Liam was hazy now. After what he’d said to me tonight ... I needed time and space to think. To clear my brain.

  “Will Giff be worried about you?” I ventured to ask.

  Liam shook his head. “Nah, he probably crashed over at Jeff’s. And it’s not like we check in with each other.”

  I stood awkwardly in the center of the room. “You didn’t wear a coat, did you?”

  “I left it in the car. It’s all right, I’m parked pretty close.”

  “Okay.”

  “Ava?”

  I met his eyes.

  “It’s fine. I don’t expect you to invite me to stay over.”

  I shrugged. “I would, it’s just ...” My voice trailed off. “I don’t know.”

  He smiled again. “How about a good-night kiss, then I’ll let you get some sleep?”

  I stepped closer and let him pull me to my tip-toes. His lips were warm and his tongue tempting, but he kept the kiss brief and released my arms.

  “I’ll call you tomorrow. Sleep well.”

  I managed a smile. “Thank you for my rose. And for ... everything.”

  Liam winked and opened the door. I fought down the temptation to follow and watch him down the hallway. Instead, I locked my door and leaned against it with sigh.

  Shit. What now? What the hell did I do now?

  ***

  THE SUN WOKE me up the next morning, shining in my eyes at an angle that told me I’d slept late. Groaning, I buried my face in the pillow. I felt hung-over, even though I hadn’t had anything at all to drink the night before. All I’d had was Liam, and way too much of him. Or maybe not enough.

  Coffee. I needed a coffee, and as soon as possible. I slithered out of bed, pulled on my oldest, most comfortable jeans and the oversized hoodie that sagged almost to my knees. My hair was unholy mess, so I pulled it back into a messy bun and hoped like hell I didn’t run into anyone I knew.

  I could’ve hit the dining hall, but it was just as far away as Beans was. I knew Beans had better coffee, plus was a better place to hide out. I grabbed my jacket and my sunglasses and tucked my phone into my back pocket.

  The line of people at the coffee shop was mostly made up of locals. I ordered my espresso and chocolate croissant and skulked back to my favorite corner table with the Sunday newspaper.

  “Ava? Is that you?”

  Shit. It was a girl I knew from the resident advisors board. I pasted on a smile. “Hi, Cary. How are you?”

  “Oh, fine, thanks. Great party last night.”

  I had forgotten she was there. “Thanks. My roommate Julia did a great job, and the freshman pitched in without too much complaining.”

  “Good to know. There’s got to be some benefit to dealing with all the spats and broken hearts.”

  “Not to mention the first-time drunks and hang-overs.”

  “True.” She leaned against the empty chair across from me. “So I was surprised to see Liam Bailey there last night. Didn’t he date your roommate for a long time?”

  I bit back a groan. “Yeah, they went out. But you know, we’re all friends, so ...”

  “Really? I heard they had a nasty breakup, that he cheated with some freshman chick.”

  I held Cary’s gaze, refusing to give in. None of her damn business. “You know how these things get blown out of proportion.”

  “Yeah. Mostly. But with Liam, I’d believe anything.” She made a face and hooked a thumb at her own chest. “Sophomore year. We met at a party at Alpha Delt. Had me convinced he was in love with me, that I was going to change his life. Ha!”

  I felt the blood drain down to my feet. “He used to get around quite a bit, I know.”

  “It was more than that. He really chased me for three weeks. Called all the time, came to see me ... I was dumb enough to think I was going to be the one to hook him.” She shook her head. “Hook up, yes. Hook him? Not so much. One night and he never spoke to me again.”

  I felt sick. “That’s not cool. I’m sorry.”

  She shrugged. “It happens. Gave me a good story to warn my freshman girls away from dicks, right? Anyway ... I’ll catch you at the next RA meeting.”

  I wanted to curl up on the floor and die. Idiot. I was such a fucking idiot. Thank God I hadn’t actually slept with him. But this was almost worse.

  I might not have fucked him, but I’d fallen for him.

  BACK IN MY room, I paced the floor. I didn’t know what to think. Cary didn’t have any reason to tell me that story about Liam and her; she was dating someone now, a grad student, I was pretty sure. But everything happened for a reason. Maybe it wasn’t coincidence that I’d run into her this morning, when I was still floating from my night with Liam.

  This was what happened when I deviated from the path I’d chosen. Long ago I’d decided to stay away from guys until I was ready to be in control. Keeping my eyes on the prize, sticking to my guns—all of that had made me safe.

  I picked up Antonia’s picture and studied it. I remembered my bright-eyed sister, dancing, singing, cooking with our mother and me, laughing at life. Nothing had been the same since ... well, since.

  That was why I had to stick to the plan. Schoolwork. Good grades. Graduating with honors. Using my psych degree to land a big-time job with a good salary at a top advertising agency. And then ... maybe a guy. But not until then.

  The rose Liam had broug
ht me sat on my desk behind my sister’s photograph. I couldn’t bring myself to throw it away, but I shoved it back behind some books so I didn’t have to see it. And then I retrieved my notebooks and went back to my homework, the one place I felt safe and secure.

  My phone stayed silent all day, which only confirmed to me what I’d feared. Liam didn’t ever plan to call me. I was just part of his games. He must have gotten a good laugh at stupid Ava, who let him kiss and grope her after all her protests to the contrary.

  Julia got home around six, a little subdued after her lunch with Jesse’s sister.

  “Allison was really nice,” she assured me. “I mean, she seemed to be. She loves Jesse, for sure. And the few times she relaxed enough to be herself, I liked her. But she’s so defensive about her mom, and she won’t hear anything nice about Sarah and Danny. Or even poor Desmond.”

  I tried to listen and make the appropriate sympathetic noises. Julia had been working for Jesse’s dad and step-mom as a nanny to their little boy Desmond for a long time now, and she was practically part of the family, even before she met Jesse. I knew there were some bad feelings between Jesse’s parents, and his sister had taken their mother’s side. Jesse was in the middle, more so since he’d come down to get his graduate degree at Birch and live with his father and Sarah. Even though it made perfect sense—he was getting a free ride plus room and board by getting his masters here—his mother saw it as a betrayal.

  “How about you? What did you do today?” Jules finally stopped talking about lunch long enough to look at me.

  “Homework. I had a quiet day. I needed it after all the fun last night.” I gave her a sunny smile.

  “Okay, good. I’m glad it went well, Ava. And I’m happy we’re back, you know?” She hugged me, leaning awkwardly over my books and computer. “I don’t want us to ever let a boy come between us. Especially not someone like Liam Bailey. Totally not worth it.”

  I nodded and changed the subject.

  It was nearly midnight before my phone buzzed a text. My lips tightened as I read the message.

  Hey, gorgeous. Sorry I didn’t call today.

  I drew in a deep breath. I knew what I had to do, but I needed some time to gear up for it. I had to play along for a little while.

  No problem, I was pretty busy.

  Lunch tomorrow?

  I paused, my fingers hovering over my phone’s keyboard.

  I’ve got a full week. Lots of tests and a huge paper due. Can we say Friday night?

  His reply was fast.

  Sure. I’ll miss you ‘til then.

  I raised my lips in a sneer. “Sure you will,” I muttered.

  “Ave?” In the dark, Julia’s sleepy voice floated over to me. “Did you say something?”

  “Just talking to myself, sorry. ‘Night.”

  LIAM TEXTED ME sporadically throughout the week. I kept my replies short and non-committal, but pleasant. I didn’t want him to come over before I was ready for him, and I didn’t want him to suspect that I was at all upset.

  On Wednesday night, Julia came into our room after work and dropped her bag on the bed with a deep sigh.

  “She wants to meet me. Jesse’s mom, I mean.”

  I glanced over at her from my closet, where I’d been hanging clean clothes. “That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

  “I don’t know. I guess Allison was talking about us having lunch last weekend, and now Jesse’s mother is flipping out because she’s the last person in the family to meet me.”

  “Is she coming down here?” I found that unlikely, since I knew she didn’t like Jesse’s dad and his wife Sarah.

  Julia shook her head. “No, we’re driving up there. Jesse asked me this afternoon if I’d go up there with him.” She pressed her hand to her stomach. “God, Ava, I’m going to be a nervous wreck.”

  “But you’ll go anyway?” I smiled.

  “Of course. For Jesse, I’d be willing to meet a hundred scary moms.”

  “That’s sweet.” I turned back to the closet, but the wheels in my mind were whirling. This was going to work out perfectly for me.

  And it did. Julia left with Jesse right after work on Friday night. Liam had texted me that he’d be over at seven.

  He knocked on the door at seven on the dot. My stomach turned over, and I looked toward Antonia’s picture for strength. It was time to do this. Get it over with, end it, and move on with my life, the way I wanted to live it. I straightened my shoulders.

  Liam leaned down to kiss me when I opened the door, but I turned my face so that his lips caught my cheek.

  “Hey, beautiful. I missed you.”

  “Did you?” I gave him a small, tight smile and walked away to sit in the safety of my desk chair.

  “Yeah.” He frowned at me and jammed his hands into the pockets of his brown jacket. “How was your week?”

  I lifted one shoulder. “Oh, you know. Typical. Busy.”

  “What’s going on, Ava? You look ... strange.”

  “Strange?” I raised one eyebrow. “Oh, I’m sorry. Did you expect me to be waiting for you in bed? Was this the night you talked me into sleeping with you, and then you ditch me? Sorry. Didn’t mean to ruin your plans.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “Stop it, Liam. Please. Just stop. I want you to leave, and I want you to leave me alone.”

  “What happened? I thought ... when I left here last week, I thought we were good.”

  “I had a momentary lapse. Now I’m better.”

  “Is this how it’s going to work for us? We make out, you let me kiss you, then you push me away and plead temporary insanity?”

  “Nope. Not any more. I’m done. I want you to leave, and I don’t want you to bother me again.”

  Liam shoved one hand through his hair. “Ava, come on. I just want to talk.”

  I closed my eyes. “Liam, no. Please. Go away.”

  “You can’t tell me you don’t feel anything for me. God, Ava, when I kiss you ... it’s like everything in the world disappears. I don’t want to stop. Ever.”

  “Well, you have to!” I tried to keep my voice down so as not to alarm the curious freshman girls.

  “Why?” He moved closer, reaching to touch me, but I ducked away. I couldn’t let him touch me. It robbed me of the ability to think clearly.

  “Because, Liam, this is wrong. You don’t care for me. You’ve talked yourself into thinking you do, for some reason I just don’t understand. But you don’t know me, and I’m not picking up for you where Julia left off. You forget, I saw firsthand how miserable you made her. No, thanks. I’m not signing up for that tour.”

  He sighed. “It’s not the same. Julia and I were a mistake. I told you that. But Ava, I have never felt about anyone the way I feel about you. Just give me a chance to prove it.”

  I felt like screaming, and I tried to hold onto to Cary’s words as they echoed in my head. He had me convinced he was in love with me, that I was going to change his life. But the voice that was telling me to take a chance, to let him in, was getting stronger. Pretty soon it would drown out the other voice, the sensible one that remembered that Liam Bailey was a jerk, and I would give in again, let him kiss me, touch me ...

  “No.” I said it out loud to strengthen my resolve. “Not again. Not this time.” I tightened my jaw and swallowed. It was time to play my last card, the one that would get rid of Liam once and for all.

  “Liam, you think you really like me, don’t you?” I forced lightness into my voice. “You think it’s different with us, right?”

  “Yes.” He spoke with relief, and I knew he thought that I was hearing him at last.

  “Good.” I clenched my fists against the seat of the wooden chair. “I’m glad. Because now I can tell you ...” I took a deep breath and plunged in. “I don’t feel anything for you. Nothing but ... pity.” I let that sink in. “After what you did to my best friend, did you seriously think I could even look at you? I’ve been playing you, Liam. Just
waiting for this moment. You know what they say about revenge, right? Well, it’s been worth the wait.”

  I finally raised my eyes to his face. Pain and another emotion I didn’t recognize warred behind his eyes, and I had to steel myself not to cross the room to hold him, to reach up and kiss away the hurt.

  “That’s it?” His words were clipped. “This was all a way to get back at me? You expect me to believe that?”

  “Believe it or not. It’s the truth.” I bit the inside of my mouth hard, holding back the sobs that were gathering in my chest. I had to be strong for just a few more minutes, just until he left the room.

  “I thought ... I thought this was different. We were different. But the whole time, this was just a game to you.”

  I couldn’t speak any more. I nodded.

  Liam turned. He paused for a minute in the doorway of the room, and for a crazy beat of my heart, I prayed he would come back in, see me for the liar I was.

  But he didn’t. He kept walking, away from me, out of my life.

  When I knew I could move again without running after him, I walked across the room, closed the door behind him and locked it. Then I climbed into my bed, curled up on my side, and cried into my pillow, deep, silent sobs wracking my body until the whole bed shook.

  Revenge was not sweet. It felt like death, and it hurt worse than anything I had ever known.

  ***

  ***

  “AVA! WHERE HAVE you been, lovely? I haven’t seen you in too long.”

  I turned, the smile on my face genuine for once.

  “Hey, Giff. I’ve been around. Just busy with papers and school, you know. And it seemed like every single girl in our dorm had her second-semester-freshman-year meltdown the same week. It’s been crazy.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I hear you. Guys don’t do the meltdowns. They just up the partying. I had three cases of alcohol poisoning in two weeks. So then I had to do the dorm meetings and the PSAs on the dangers of over-indulging. Fun times.”