Just Desserts

by Kandle, Tawdra

  I couldn’t breathe. It felt a little like the night I’d drunk too much jungle juice at Jeff’s house; the room tilted, and I grabbed at the door to stay upright.

  “This new friends of yours ... whatever your name is, dear ... I think we all know into which category she falls.”

  That was it. I took a step backwards, out through the open door. “I ... I have to go. I’m sorry, Liam. I can’t stay here anymore.”

  Tears blinded me as I wheeled out of the room and into the hallway. I had to get out of there, out of the building, away from both of them.

  “Ava!” Liam’s voice rang out, following me down the hallway. “Ava, wait. Don’t leave. I’ll make him go. Just don’t leave.”

  I didn’t turn around, and I didn’t stop until I was back in my own dorm. I pushed past the crowds, desperate to get to the sanctity of my own room. A few of the freshman girls called my name, tried to get my attention, but for the first time ever, I ignored them and walked away.

  Julia was sitting in her desk when I burst through the door. She looked up at me, startled.

  “Hey, I thought you were staying with Liam ...” Her voice trailed off, as her eyes took me in. “Oh, sweetie. Ava, what happened? What’s wrong?”

  I threw myself across my bed, buried my face in my pillow and cried.

  ***

  I DON’T KNOW how long I sobbed as Julia sat on the bed next to me. She pulled me into her arms, and we lay there as I poured out the whole ugly conversation.

  “He said ... he said I was a girl to fuck. A girl who gets left behind, because she’s not good enough for anything else.” I wiped my face, taking a deep breath against Julia’s shoulder. “And I couldn’t say anything, because I am fucking his son. For God’s sake, Jules, we were practically doing it when we walked into the room. I was wrapped around his waist, and his hand was ...” I closed my eyes.

  Julia sighed. “Liam’s making this a habit, walking into rooms with his hand down a girl’s shirt and getting a surprise.” When I began to sob harder, she shook her head. “I’m sorry. Too soon. Oh, Ave, I’m so sorry about this whole thing. But you can’t really believe that’s what Liam thinks about you.”

  I balled up my pillow and leaned my chin against it. “I don’t know what to think. Liam might not be feeling that way right now, but what’s going to happen later? I don’t want to be the one he leaves behind, but I also don’t want to be the one who hurts his career. Ruins his life. And what if he only keeps me around because he feels sorry for me? Or to get back at his dad? Damn it, Jules, what if this whole thing with me is just Liam’s way to screw his father, to throw it in his face after what he found out?”

  “You don’t seriously think that’s true. Come on, Ava. What happened to the girl who spent weeks trying to convince me that Liam Bailey wasn’t a dick? That he’s not out to hurt you?”

  “I don’t think he’d do it on purpose. He probably doesn’t even realize that he’s dating me to get back at his father.”

  “That sounds like some kind of psych crap you heard in a class. Stop and think about what you’re saying.”

  “I am. God, Jules, maybe I was just as much of an idiot as I thought back in the beginning. Why the hell would Liam Bailey be interested in someone like me? I don’t do country clubs or tennis. I don’t have family money. I come from immigrants. Yeah, they’re good people, hard-working, but they’re not the kind of people the Baileys would want marrying into their precious family.”

  “Ava, stop it. This isn’t the Middle Ages. Or even the fifties. That kind of thinking is bullshit. People marry who they want to marry.”

  “You didn’t hear Liam’s father talking. It might not be that clear cut, but I for sure don’t fall into the category of girls he wants for his son.” I took a deep breath and pushed to sit up. “I can’t do it, Julia. No matter what Liam says, I’ll always be second-guessing it. Second-guessing us. Knowing that people are going to be looking at us together, thinking to themselves, what’s Liam Bailey doing with someone like her? I can’t live like that.”

  “God, Ava, you’re getting way ahead of yourself. No one’s talking about marriage except Liam’s father, who is clearly a dickwad. You don’t have to make this decision right now. Just keep things like they are, and when the time comes, you can worry about all this.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not like that, Jules. I know I’m not ready to get married, but I can’t be with Liam if I’m not good enough for him.”

  “Not good enough? Are you crazy? You’re too good for him. I’ve been saying that all along.” Her firm voice, ringing with her confidence in me, made cry all over again. She pulled me back into a hug.

  “Oh, sweetie, don’t. Please.” She stroked my hair. “Listen to me, Ave. You know I haven’t been the biggest Liam Bailey fan ... like, ever. I was the one who tried to talk you out of him at every turn, right? I was sure he was playing you, or he was going to end up breaking your heart. But all along, you’ve told me that there’s something in this boy that’s worthwhile. Something special, something only you could see. And the last few weeks, I can see it. His eyes, when you walk into the room ... they never leave you. He’s not that stiff, closed-off jerk I dated for much too long. With you, he opens up, and he seems ...” She tilted her head, thinking. “I don’t know. Content, maybe.”

  I sniffled. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”

  “No, I absolutely am not. I wouldn’t. If this had happened a month ago, I would have been the one doing the I-told-you-so dance all over you. But I’d be wrong.”

  I shook my head, but I couldn’t manage any words.

  “And Ava ... you’ve changed, too. I love you, and I always have and I always will. But up until this year, you were closed-off. I knew you were always in my corner, and you’d do anything for me, but there was this part of you that you kept away. You were so focused and driven that sometimes it scared me. Liam’s changed that in you. You smile all the time now. You laugh. You’re ... softer.”

  Another sob rattled from my chest. “There’s a reason hard things last longer. Soft things get hurt. They don’t have endurance. And they get left behind.”

  “That’s not true. You have endurance. I would never leave you behind. And neither would Liam.”

  Mention of his name just made me cry again, and finally Julia gave up on logic. She just held me while I wept until my sobs turned to hiccups. Once I’d settled down into sniffles, she went to the student union to get us soup for dinner. I didn’t think I could keep anything else down.

  Alone, I tried to push away all thoughts of Liam and his father. I picked up my Cognition textbook, but it caught on my rosary, tipping over the frame with Antonia’s photo.

  I drew in a shuddering breath and set the picture upright. I wished I could call my sister right now, ask her what to do. She would’ve liked Liam, I thought, at least once she’d gotten to know him. She probably would’ve kicked his ass for letting his dad talk like that. Not that he had, not really; he’d defended me up to the minute I ran away. I was fairly sure Antonia would’ve told me not to give up on love, even when it hurt. Thinking about her and what she might have said made me cry all over again.

  I had turned off my phone, not wanting to see Liam’s texts or calls. But I’d expected he would come over, try to see me. When the hours went on, and nothing happened, a sense of dread filled me. He wasn’t coming. His father had convinced him that I wasn’t worth his time. He’d finally realized that he didn’t love me. I was just an aberration—what had I told him this past winter? Temporary insanity.

  My last exam was the next morning, but I didn’t even bother opening a book. I knew nothing I read would stick at this point. I had a good grasp of the material, and right now, I didn’t care anyway. Pass, fail, get kicked out of school ... what did it matter?

  The next morning, I was hung over. My stomach was in knots, my throat hurt and my body ached. I stayed in bed until the last possible minute, and then pulled on my yoga
pants and an old t-shirt. Even that simple act made me cry, remembering Liam making fun of me for wearing the pants without going to the class.

  I slid into my classroom just as the exams were distributed. For two blessed hours, I didn’t have to time to think about anything but Cognition. It was just the paper, my pencil and me. The rest of the world ceased to exist.

  When the test was over, I walked back to the dorm in a daze. I only wanted my bed, the quiet and the dark. Just a little peace.

  Julia was putting clothes into a bag when I opened the door. She looked up at me and smiled.

  “How did it go?”

  I shrugged. “I think I did okay. It’s over.” I fell into my bed. “It’s all over. The last exam of junior year.”

  She grinned. “I know. I’m pretty sure I kicked ass on my history of journalism final. So I’m going over to Jesse’s to celebrate.” She paused, glancing at me. “Will you be okay? Do you want to come with me?”

  I shook my head. “No. God, no. No offense, Jules, but being around you and Jesse right now is so not what I need. I just want to lay here in my bed and die.”

  “No dying. You’ve still got the fun of checking all the freshmen out of their dorms tomorrow and the next day. You wouldn’t want to miss that. And at least three girls have come by looking for you. They all have questions. Lucky you.”

  I groaned. “Put a pillow over my head. It’s a mercy killing. I’ll write a note.”

  “Don’t even joke about that.” She sat down on the edge of my bed. “Seriously, will you be okay? I’ll stay if you need me. Jesse can wait.”

  I squeezed her hand. “Thanks, Jules. But no. I really just want to be alone. I promise I won’t do anything desperate. But I just want to crawl into bed and sleep for about a week. And then I’ll see what the world feels like after that.”

  “Okay.” She leaned over to hug me from behind. “Love you, Ave. Call me if you need anything.”

  She left, swinging her bag over her arm, and I turned my face into the depths of my pillow. I heard her voice in the hall, probably talking to some freshman girl. Hopefully telling said girl that I was horribly sick and to leave me alone.

  The door opened again. Without moving, I groaned. “For the love of everything holy, tell them to go away. I don’t want to see anyone. Or talk to anyone.”

  The door closed with a click, and a moment later, the bed sagged next to me.

  “Sorry, you don’t get a choice in this.”

  My heart skipped. Liam. I could feel his warmth next to my hip, smell his scent. But I didn’t move. I didn’t even breathe.

  “Ava ... turn over. Come on. Talk to me.”

  I shook my head against the pillow. “Go away, Liam. I can’t deal with this.”

  “Then deal with me. I want to see your eyes. I need to see that beautiful face.”

  I snorted. “You’re out of luck. This face is red and ugly from crying for almost twenty-four hours straight. Trust me, it’s not what you want to see.”

  He took hold of my shoulder and pushed until I was on my back. He traced the edge of my cheek with one finger.

  “I will always want to see this face. No matter what. This face is gorgeous all the time. And it’s the face I love.”

  Tears I thought had dried up brimmed in my eyes. “No, it’s the face of a girl you leave behind. A girl who’s only good enough to ...” I couldn’t say the words.

  “Ava, my father is a fucking idiot. And I told him that. I told him I wasn’t taking his internship. I was going to make it a surprise for you, but I got a job this summer in the history department, here. I’m going to stay at Birch all summer. With you.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not getting in the middle of you and your parents. I won’t be the reason you can’t have a relationship with them.”

  Liam sighed. “You’re not. I talked to my dad for a long time last night. That’s why I didn’t come over here. By the time he finally left, it was late and I knew we both had finals this morning. I didn’t want to screw up your test.”

  I sniffed. “You wouldn’t have. I don’t care about it, anyway. You’re more important.”

  He leaned down and pulled me to sit, gathering me into his arms. “That’s what I told my father. You, Ava Catarine DiMartino, are not a girl who gets left behind. You never were, and you never will be. You’re the girl I love. The girl I want with me always.”

  I let my head fall onto his shoulder. “The things he said, Liam ... they were horrible. I keep hearing him.”

  His arms tightened around me. “I know. I told him that if he ever spoke that way to you or in front of you again, it would be the last time he ever saw me. I think he got the message.” He ran his hand down my hair, cupped my face. “Ava, I don’t know if he’s ever going to change. But the important thing is that I stood up to him. I showed him that I’ll fight for what’s important to me. Including choosing my own future, making my own plans. And you. You are the most important plan, the one crucial element. Without you, the rest of it doesn’t make sense.”

  I swallowed back a shuddering sob. “I don’t want to be your rebellion against your parents. I need to know that you love me for who I am, not just because I piss off your mom and dad.”

  He laughed, burying his face in my hair. “Baby, that’s just an added benefit. I love you because you’re who you are. You make me better. When I’m around you, you make me feel ... peaceful. And then I kiss you ...” He brought his mouth down to cover mine in one searing, passionate sweep. “And peace explodes into this powerful need.”

  I gripped his shoulders, holding him close. “I need you, too. When you touch me, everything stops. Nothing exists but you, and me, and your hands on me. Your lips.”

  I rose on my knees and then straddled him, bringing my mouth up for a kiss that wiped every other thought from my mind. And then I sat back and stared into his blue eyes.

  “So we can’t live without each other. Is that a good enough reason to possibly alienate your parents?”

  He dropped his forehead onto my shoulder. “Trust me. They won’t stay alienated. Especially my mother—she’ll be calling this week, wanting to meet you out of curiosity if nothing else. No, it was time to make this stand. It’s all going to work out. But you’ve got to promise me that you won’t bail if things get rough again. And they’re going to. You’ve got to trust me, and stick with me. Don’t run away.”

  “I’ll do my best. I won’t run unless you’re with me.”

  He smiled into my eyes. “Last night, when I couldn’t sleep, worried I’d lost you, I put on your play list. And All The Way came on. I started thinking ... that’s how I want to love you. Like it says—come what may. Can you trust me to do that?”

  I nuzzled his neck. “I’m keeping you, Liam. I probably don’t deserve you, but I’m keeping you anyway.”

  He smiled against my lips. “You deserve so much more. Infinitely more. But I promise, I’m going to be the person who makes you happy. You won’t regret keeping me. I love you, Ava. I love you all the way.”

  I closed my eyes as he kissed down my neck. “I love you, Liam.”

  The sun filled my room, and in the hallways, I could hear freshmen having end-of-the-year tantrums. The world was spinning around us, but within the cocoon of Liam’s arms, I was safe, and quiet, and content.

  ***

  “HEY, LIAM, BRING out the ice cream, will you? If you’re not too busy groping Ava, that is.”

  Giff’s voice floated in from outside, and I giggled, hiding my face in the crook of Liam’s neck. He had me on the counter, and he stood between my knees, his arms wrapped around me, his hand up my shirt and his mouth on my breast.

  “Fucking Giff.” His words were muffled and just made me laugh more.

  People were just beginning to arrive for our impromptu housewarming dessert party. It had been nearly a month since Liam and I had moved into the townhouse a block down from where Jeff and Giff lived. It was Jeff who had told us that one of his neighbors
needed a last-minute tenant, giving us the opportunity to rent the house for the next year.

  Moving in together had been a natural conclusion; we were always at each other’s room, and both of our roommates made it an easy decision. Giff had been staying with Jeff anyway, and Julia was practically living with Jesse. I was pretty sure she’d end the summer with a ring on her finger.

  Liam was working at the history department at Birch, and he loved it. He was talking about maybe getting his masters degree and teaching after graduation. His parents still weren’t happy with this decision, but they had thawed enough to come down and take us both out to dinner. While the senator still couldn’t look me in the eye, his wife had been pleasant. I was hopeful that they might come to accept me. Someday.

  I was busy with the internship I’d gotten with a local ad agency. It was so much fun to use the psychology I’d been learning; since the company was so small, they often let me contribute ideas to some of their campaigns. Most of the time, though, I was filing papers and answering phones. It was a start.

  My parents had reluctantly agreed with my decision to move off campus, though they insisted we live in a house with two bedrooms. If it made them feel better, I was okay with maintaining the illusion. My mother had come down once on a rare day off from the restaurant, bringing Frankie with her, and together, they helped me with some decorating.

  Tonight, all of our friends had gathered to help us celebrate. Jeff was manning the make-your-own sundae station with Jesse’s help, and Amanda and Jules were putting out the cookies and brownies on the table in the back. Even my brother Carl and Angela had driven up for the day, bringing Ma’s cookies and one of Vince’s famous rum cakes. But right now, the most important celebration was going on right here in the kitchen.