Rusty Knob

by Erica Chilson

  “I was sitting in my truck after you handed me my ass at the Circle K. I just… I’d got yet another empty paycheck. I worked another week to fuel my daddy’s addiction. I was the one killing him, no different than if I pointed a gun at his forehead and pulled the trigger.”

  “You’re the first enabler I’ve ever heard who actually gets it.” Kade brushes my forehead with his, moving my hair away from my eyes so he can see me. “I have been so pissed at you since I came home. I just wanted to shake you and scream, ‘Knock it the fuck off, Wynn!’ But I knew you weren’t ready to listen.”

  “I get that.” I release a self-deprecating laugh. “I was sitting in my truck, staring at the shit world I lived in, looking at my daddy drink himself to death and my momma smoke herself into an early grave. I knew I’d be the one taking care of them at the expense of myself. I was destined to be an active participant in their deaths, no different than an assisted suicide by funding their addictions. I couldn’t live that way, and I couldn’t see another way of life. My eyes were squeezed shut to the possibilities.”

  “You can only help those who are willing to help themselves for a reason, Wynn. That help isn’t monetary. It’s education. You teach someone how to take care of themselves so they can show others in turn. To spend all that time and energy, and most often money, you’re taking it away from someone who truly needs help. Some people aren’t fixable because they like how miserable they are– they thrive in it. For you to attempt suicide over people who are truly worthless, means you were taking away all the good you could have done in this world.”

  “I know that now,” I whine, voice breaking. “I get it, okay?”

  “It’s not okay.” Kade’s voice is stiff with anger yet filled with compassion. “But it will be eventually.”

  “You asked me, why did you attempt to commit suicide? What you don’t understand is, I did kill myself. The person I was is dead– the way I saw the world around me. It wasn’t a matter of not taking enough drugs or not slicing deep enough. I did the irreparable. I put the barrel underneath my chin, and then I pulled the trigger. When it didn’t go off, it was a conscious decision on my part to pull it again. Then I did it a third time just to be sure.”

  “Wynn. No…” Kaden’s hands unlock from around my wrists, where they begin fluttering around my face, like he’s envisioning the nightmares I’ve had whenever my eyes are closed or open.

  I would have turned my head into liquid. A shotgun beneath the chin would have blown my brains out of my skull and exploded my face. I’ve admitted this to no one, but I haven’t kept any food down since. The vision pops into my head at random, and it makes me physically sick.

  I almost didn’t see Saturday’s dawn.

  “That wasn’t an attempt. I did it. I fucking did it three times. I can’t use the excuse that Warren removed my ammo, because I didn’t know that.” The words start pouring out of me, quicker and quicker. “I did it. I feel sick about it. I can’t change it. Goddamn it, I wish I could change it. I didn’t even kill myself, and I regret. If I had…”

  “Shh… it’s gonna be okay. I promise.” Kaden envelopes me in his arms, rocking me back and forth. For the second time in less than twelve hours, I break down sobbing. I fear I’m going to be doing this with great frequency. I melt into Kade, comforted by that fact that he’s bigger than me. Kaden can hold me up and protect me from myself.

  “It’s like my life sped up to when I’m actually going to die, and it’s been playing all the moments from that point to when I tried to kill myself, but only in reverse. It’s showing me what I would have missed if Warren hadn’t been on Wynn suicide watch.”

  “What’s it showing you?” Kade rasps in my ear. “What would you have missed?”

  “Just stupid shit that makes me feel warm inside, yet makes me ache thinking I would have missed it. Like someday Willa will be herself again. Penny and Warren will get hitched, and they’re going to have a billion kids and grandkids who will go nuts when I visit. Hayden is going to grow up to tell his wife she can’t wear pants, but she’s going to wear the pants in the household. Hayley is going to be a lawyer because she’s a know-it-all, but underneath her suit she’ll be covered in tattoos and piercings. It’s going to take Bren forever, but he’ll figure out he’s already in love. Royce is going to get remarried, and then complain how his kids will be graduating when he’s wearing Depends.”

  Kade’s laughter is warm and rich. He curves around me, cupping the nape of my neck in his palm with his fingertips splayed in my hair. “That sounds nice. But what about you? Where are you in all of this?”

  “Shit.” I whimper, eyelids drooping. An enlivening yet drugging sensation waves over me. I snort in surprise when it finally clicks, but I choose to ignore it. “In these dreamscapes, I’m just an outside observer seeing what I’d miss in my loved ones’ futures because they’re what’s important to me. Obviously I’m not, or I wouldn’t have tried to kill myself. But now I realize that if I love them, I’ll protect myself because they love me.”

  “You have no idea,” Kaden says as he steps away from me, leaving me feeling bereft. “Look out there,” he orders, pointing in the general vicinity of the sidewalk. I gasp in surprise at what comes into focus. “There’d probably be a few kids from Hillock Corners and Furrow Creek on their way here if they knew where you lived.”

  “Bro…” Bren approaches my porch hesitantly, stopping at the bottom step. “I was worried Mentor KM was going to hurt you because you’re a fucking moron.”

  “So were we,” Jessica pipes in, with Francis and Jack as her backup. “When you stopped messaging us, we got worried.”

  “So we ran out of our houses to investigate,” Jack adds, but he’s grinning.

  “Mystery’s solved, yeah?” Francis is wearing a pout. “I’m jealous. I’m going home now.” He stomps his way down the sidewalk with his head hanging low.

  “What the hell?” I mutter as I watch Francis go.

  “Wynn, you’re a rockstar. Dayum,” Jessica drawls. “You managed to catch Mentor KM.”

  Sputtering, I make an unintelligible sound of exasperation.

  “Oblivious, I tell ya.” Jack grabs Jessica’s arm. “C’mon, let’s go home. We can practice the fag and dyke tests in my bedroom again. Both of us might get off this time.”

  “Hey!” Bren looks from between me and our friends’ retreating backs, torn between talking to me and joining them. “Hey!” He decides sex is more important than friendship and jogs down the sidewalk. He abruptly stops and turns to face us. “Just so ya know, you could pound nails with that thing. That was what they were talking about– your mystery crush revealed. Don’t look down, but I think it’s contagious. Kade is gonna be hurting soon. Night!”

  Confused, all I can do is watch Bren run off. “Assholes, wait up! If you’re gonna play, let me join. I’m bi. I can please you both. Jack, I’ll give you a blow job instead! You’ll like it more. I promise.”

  “You’ve never given a blowjob in your life!” Jessica alerts the neighborhood.

  “I’ve had enough of ‘em!” Bren shouts. Lights turn on in adjacent houses as he runs down the street. “I can learn! Practice makes perfect. Wait up!”

  Of course, I look down, but Kade is twisting out of view. Clearing his throat brusquely, it takes a few tries to get the words out. “Hope Bren doesn’t tear a hamstring chasing after them.”

  “He’s probably already in Jack’s bedroom, completely naked and stroking his cock. Bren can outrun and out-sex everyone on the team.”

  “Yes,” Kade utters. Then he releases a funny laugh. “Let’s remind me how you’re only seventeen years old, a high school junior, and I’m now a faculty member. Please remind me of that often. You being my neighbor with no adult supervision, while raising my tiny students, is totally throwing my equilibrium out of whack. Bad Kade. Not an adult.”

  “What? I don’t get it,” I murmur, suffering blood loss. “What are you, twenty-two?”

  “Tw
enty-three, actually…” Kade backs up slowly. “And you’re off limits.” He hops down the steps, and then jogs across the street. When he gets to his porch, he yells, “See ya around the neighborhood!”

  Muttering to myself, I lock the front door, and then weave my way through the living room in the dark. “Fucking bizarre. My life is fucking bizarre.” By the time I make it to my bedroom, my hand is already jammed down my pants, taking care of business.

  “Life has been kind to you, my brother,” Penny’s voice startles a shriek out of me.

  Tearing my hand out of my pants, I whisper-shout, “What the hell?” I yank my t-shirt down to cover my bulge. “Why are you in my bedroom, sitting on my bed?”

  “Yeah, I guess I didn’t think that through.” Penny bites her bottom lip in indecision. “Your dick is bigger than your brother’s.”

  My hands are already cupping my ears before I can shout, “Shut up!”

  “It was a compliment. Warren isn’t exactly small, ya know?” I bug my eyes out, pleading with Penny to shut the fuck up.

  “What do you want?” I bite out between my gritted teeth. “I’m busy.”

  “I can see that, Dirk Diggler.” Penny gets up from the edge of my bed to walk over to my bedroom door. Finally. “Someone was pounding on our front door. I watched them choke you, slam you against the house, and then yell at you. Then I saw you get all moony-eyed again, so I came in here to wait for you. I was going to ask if you were okay. But, as we’ve both figured out, I didn’t think that through. I forgot how that look translates into sex. I can’t unsee you jingling your thingy, but I thought I ought to compliment it.”

  “Good night, Penny,” I groan, humiliated beyond belief. I fall to my cot when she exits to the hallway.

  Peeking back into my bedroom, Penny gives me a thumbs up. “Only you would pick the unobtainable. Jesus Christ, Wynn. I’m impressed.”

  “Go away.” I cover my eyes with my forearm. “I want to jerk off while I can still remember the feeling of getting hard because I want to fuck someone other than imaginary friends.”

  “Have fun!” is followed by a bottle of hand lotion hitting my stomach. Blessedly, my door latches before I die of embarrassment.

  In less than two seconds, my cock is slicked up with my fingers gliding up and down it. I’ve never touched myself in bed– always in the shower. My eyes are closed, and I’m fantasizing about taunting lips, a warm laugh, and a strong body… I learn it doesn’t take a shotgun beneath the chin to blow my head clean off.

  •Late Summer•

  Welcome Home

  “How’s this taste?” Penny shoves a spoon at me, hitting my front tooth. I either open my mouth or risk bodily harm. “It’s potato salad,” she assures me, as if I couldn’t tell by the mayonnaise and potatoes I’m swallowing down my throat.

  “Hmm…” I drawl. “Maybe a bit more pepper?” Penny’s kitten growl has me chuckling. “Just kidding. It’s tasty. Warren will love it.”

  Penny’s smile is brilliant, with her freckles disappearing in the wrinkle at the top of her nose. “You promise?”

  “Honest.” I tug her ponytail. “The salad is really good.” I gesture to the dishes lining every surface in the kitchen. “Everything looks delicious. I’m really proud of you.”

  She hops on her heels, clapping, and then jumps up to kiss my cheek. “It was that cookbook you gave me. It really helped.”

  “It was necessary,” I mouth to Jack, but he doesn’t see me because he’s sneaking a bit of icing off the icebox cake.

  Everything Penny used to make was gray, even when it started out another color. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how that was possible. When Royce had me rummaging through his storage unit, so I could pass out essentials to those in need, I came upon a huge cookbook. If anyone was in need of a cookbook, it was Penny.

  Penny turns pensive, voice breaking a little as she speaks. “I’m gonna miss you, Wynn.”

  “I’m not going anywhere.” I sound flippant, as if I don’t care. But it’s all an act. I’m scared shitless yet excited. But a bit sad, too. “I’m sure you or Warren will come a-hollering, wanting me to fix this or that. You’ll still see me in school every day come next week. It’s not like I’m moving across the state or something. I’m two streets over, is all.”

  “It’s just not the same.” She pulls me in the billionth hug. I’ve suffered through this for the past week straight. Every time Penny sets her sights on me, I’m getting embraced. I won’t lie; I do enjoy it. Her tiny belly is growing and it presses into my hip, like my new niece or nephew is hugging me too.

  “Warren will keep you busy.” Jack taunts, and Penny shoos him from the kitchen by snapping his ass with a dish towel. Laughing, “The ol’ boy has gone without for three months,” flows from the porch and beyond.

  I make my escape. “I’m just gonna see if I forgot anything, and then I’ll help ya finish setting up for Warren and Willa’s welcome home party.”

  “The house feels so empty now.” Penny’s words make my heart ache, but her sniffle breaks it.

  I wander from room to room in the small house, making sure nothing important was left behind. For the past three months, we’ve been slowly filling up the spaces with more belongings than I’ve ever owned in my lifetime. Most of the furnishings were things I found at the flea market, thrift shops, online yard sales, and actual yard sales. I get a lot of pride out of refinishing something, turning it into what it was meant to become.

  A refinished piece of furniture is a bit like me. The old Wynn lived in Gillette Holler with his eyes squeezed shut to the truth. The new Wynn will be starting senior year on Monday, will be living in a household filled with people who love him, and has a future to look forward to living. It won’t be easy, but nothing a bit of sandpaper and a fresh coat of paint now and again can’t fix.

  I didn’t take much with me when I moved my stuff to Royce’s house this morning, because I wanted Penny and Warren to enjoy everything I left behind. My old bedroom still has my cot and dresser, just in case someone needs to crash for the night or longer– my way of paying it forward.

  The twins’ bedroom is completely bare, but that’s a good thing since the baby will need it. Hayley and Hayden wouldn’t have been comfortable going from one bed to another, anyway. It wouldn’t be fair when my greatest wish for them is stability. Yesterday I got them situated at Royce’s. They enjoyed their sleepover with Bren, not realizing it was permanent. At a few weeks into their seven years, Hayley and Hayden are living where they will stay until they either graduate from high school or college.

  I find nothing we truly needed was left behind, and that depresses the piss out of me. Fighting my emotions, I make my way outside. The yard is set up with several folding tables and chairs for the party. Even the god-awful decorations Penny and the kids made don’t manage to cheer me up. I’m excited to start this new chapter in my new life, but I’m terrified of what condition my siblings will be in when they arrive. The unknowns are scary when the known I was living was so pleasant and warm.

  Bren nearly tackles me, arm hooking around my neck. He bends me at the waist so he can reach to give me a nuggie. “How’s my new big bro?” I fling my arms out to stop him, but he’s behind me.

  “That’s kinda creepy.” Jack cuts in, saving me from being assaulted. “If Wynn is your new brother, and Willa is his sister, then wouldn’t that make Royce the grandpa to Hayley and Hayden? That’s some twisted, West Virginia shit. Grandpappy uncle daddy?”

  Bren drops me to the ground, annoyed with Jack and taking it out on me. “My dad is only thirty-seven. He isn’t elderly by no means. He wants to raise ‘em as his kids, dumbass.”

  Jack reaches down to draw me to my feet. He brushes leaves off my back in apology. “What does that make Willa to him then, huh?”

  I chuckle as Bren gets all flustered: red-faced with his hands combing through his short, black hair. “Other than Dad’s sister-in-law? I don’t rightly know. Dad doesn’t ta
lk much about it. He tells me what to do, and I pretend to do it.”

  “Pretend?” I eyeball Bren. “You’re such a bad liar.”

  “Don’t make me look like a pussy in front of Jack.” Bren whispers out the side of his mouth toward me, but Jack hears him anyway.

  “You don’t need Wynn to do that for you.” Jack’s been playing a hard-to-get asshole, and it’s amused me to no end because it confuses the piss out of Bren. “It’s obvious when I look at you that you’re a daddy’s boy.”

  “Duncan!” Bren is flummoxed, arms waving around erratically as he tries to think up something to say.

  “No comeback?” Jack releases an evil, taunting laugh. “I thought so. Wynn doesn’t need to make you look like a pussy ‘cuz you always smell like one, making me want to puke.”

  “Ah!” I drawl, enlightened. “I get it now.”

  Jealousy.

  “What’d I do wrong, sugar?” Poor Bren’s so confused, he’s just looking around for an answer, gazing heavenward for some help from above. Then his eyes bulge from his skull and a huge smile slips across his face.

  “Oh, Jesus. Fuck. Not him again.” Jack breathes out next to me, but not because he wants our newest arrival. He’s sick of my fixation because it’s hurting me, while Bren thinks it’s hilarious.

  My eyes drink in what’s causing such a commotion. Kade strolls across the street– all six and a half feet of him. All I want to do is climb him like a tree on a warm summer’s day, and then hang off one of his limbs.

  Kaden is headed right in our direction, and my pulse starts going haywire and my palms sweat. “Thank the Lord I wore a jockstrap today.” My boys snort at me when I whimper in pain from my dick’s circulation getting cut off. “I wasn’t sure if he’d show, so I was being prepared.”

  I lived through seventeen years of never having anyone trip my trigger, and now I wish I’d revert back to that. If Kaden is in my general vicinity, or if I think about him, my dick turns to granite. This summer he was my across-the-street-neighbor and always starring in my thoughts. I can’t remember the last time my dick was soft.