Rusty Knob

by Erica Chilson

  “New dude gets to be the grunt man.” Bren takes the boxes from me, and replaces them back on Tyler’s stack, until only the guy’s nose and eyes are visible. “It’s just the order of things. If he wants to hang in our town, on our court, and at our house, he’s gotta pay his dues.”

  “Hazed. You’re twisted,” comes muffled from behind the pizza boxes. “I like you.”

  I chuckle when Jack’s eyes narrow and his lips draw in a tight line. Bren’s short and hasn’t filled out into the stocky dude he will become. Jack’s a bit taller but lanky. Fury giving him strength, Jack shoulders his way by Bren, nearly felling Bren to the ground.

  What the hell, Duncan?” Bren hurries to catch up with our jealous buddy. “What’s gotten into you lately? You’re always pissed at me.”

  Tyler winks at me, communicating how he’s just jerking Jack’s chain. Feeling manic, I burst out laughing over the idiocy of the situation. I’m going to have to do something to help them along. I know how insane this makes you feel, like your words, thoughts, and actions aren’t your own anymore.

  We need a cure for teenage angst.

  I reach over again, taking four pizza boxes so Tyler doesn’t upend and ruin our dinner. Bren and Jack are silently fuming and stomping down the sidewalk ahead of us. There’s ten to fifteen guys straggling behind us. Most are from Rusty Knob, a few are from Kade’s LBGTQ group, and a couple don’t seem to care that they just found out there’s a gay dude on their team– maybe it’s the free pizza?

  “So… Mentor KM, huh?” Tyler drawls, but he’s grinning. “Just so you know, Kade has a vanity plate that says TEACHER. You guys done fucked up.”

  “Yeah, I know,” I breathe the words. “It’s like… it’s like being told not to do something when you never planned on doing it, or being told to do something when you were gonna do it in the first place. Yeah, it’s like that. I just wanted to be a dick because no one trusted me. I’ve never acted like anything but an adult, and they kept saying I was a kid. So it’s like, ‘fuck you! Here’s how a kid would act!’ I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t stop myself.”

  “I get it,” Tyler tries to comfort me. “It’s irrational. But I get it. Maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe they’ll ignore it.”

  “It’s gonna be the gay thing that destroys us. If Kade was straight and I was a girl… they would laugh and call him a stud. If Kade was a girl, they’d call me a stud for bagging a teacher. I feel sick right now. I’m like the most responsible person I know besides Royce, and I just mucked up Kade’s life because I was throwing a tantrum.”

  “I’ve been in Mentor KM’s group for a year and a half, and I just met him in person. He’s almost six and a half feet tall and two hundred pounds… Kade was with you because he wanted to be, consequences be damned.”

  “I should have been the bigger person and told him no. But instead, I did the one thing they kept accusing me of, and I don’t regret it.”

  “Wynn?” Tyler stops walking, and the horde behind us hesitates, unsure what to do. Thankfully, they are talking so loud and we’re being so quiet, they can’t overhear us. “I’ve made destructive mistakes and been an asshole. Josh fucked me, fucked me over, and fucked me up, and he then left. I’ve been there and done that, and I’d still do it again with that hindsight is 20/20 bullshit.”

  “Thanks.” I take another pizza box to lighten Tyler’s load to be nice. “I don’t regret it. I regret the assholes who are going to mess with Kade because they are scared of who we are.”

  “Truer words, my friend.” We start walking again, and I have to laugh when the crowd mimics us. “Truer words have never been spoken.”

  “I know I broke the rules,” I mutter, feeling lost. “I get that.”

  “Nah-uh… NO!” Tyler shakes his head. “You didn’t break the rules. Kaden Marx did. He knew the rules, and he still did it. Don’t get a big head because he wanted you so much, but don’t beat yourself up because of it, either.”

  I spot Willa in her rocking chair, blue eyes huge as she watches us flow into the yard. Royce is in the garden with Hayden, and Hayley is chasing Bren and Jack down at the fire pit. Bren starts smashing wood with his bare hands, and Jack’s even more violent. My niece parrots all of their movements, and it’s so dang cute it makes me snort.

  “Who’s the little killer?” Amusement is thick in Tyler’s voice. “She reminds me of my baby sister.”

  “That’s my niece, Hayley. Hayden’s the little feller staring at us from the garden with the pumpkin in his hands. Their momma is on the porch– my sister, Willa.” I point at Royce, who’s staring at me like he’s worried. “That’s my dad– Bren’s actual dad. In true hillbilly fashion, Royce is the twins’ uncle daddy.”

  “What?” Tyler releases an uncomfortable laugh like I’m joking.

  “It’s the truth.” I wait a heartbeat, and when Tyler frowns, I expand on it. “The twins have three uncles: my brother and me, and then Royce. Bren’s dad is the best. He adopted me and the twins. Uncle Daddy, as Hayley likes to call him.”

  “Only my baby brother would come home six hours before his curfew.” Willa comes up to me, lifts the lid on the pizza box resting in my arms, and then takes a slice of pepperoni. “Bren texted, saying he was bringing some friends and pizza.” She points at the flood of basketball players flowing to the fire pit in the backyard. “That’s not a ‘few’ friends.”

  “I’m sorry,” I apologize for stressing Willa out. This is the kind of thing she shouldn’t be around.

  “It’s okay, Wynn.” My sister rubs the center of my back, something she started last month when we moved from holding a hand to actual physical contact. Willa’s allowed to touch us, not the other way around. “Royce and the kids and I are gonna watch a movie in the den. Just don’t let anyone in the house.”

  “Understood,” I agree. “I promise.”

  “They can potty in the field.” She puts her slice back in the box, and then takes the box from me. “This one is Royce’s and mine. There’s one with extra cheese somewhere for the kids.”

  Tyler and I look at each other, and then burst out laughing. “Um… I’ll put my boxes on the stack again, and then take a peek for the glob of cheese.” After some maneuvering, I locate Willa’s pizza.

  “Your fridge in the barn is stocked with water and Coke,” she says as I settle the box into her arms. “Royce needs to have a private word with you before you run off with your friends… so, this feller needs to hightail it to the bonfire.”

  “Shit,” I hiss. “How the fuck did he hear about it so quick?”

  “I’d smack your hand if my arms weren’t filled with pizza,” Willa warns, and I eye the spatula sticking out of the pouch of her hoodie. “Kade called the second he left the parking lot. He’s with Warren and Penny right now, trying to get his shit together.”

  I pivot, ready to run across town. “No!” Willa stops me with her momma voice. “You have your friends and he has his. You’ll see him on Sunday morning. You can’t be seen together in public again until things get settled.”

  “Oh, shit…” I mutter, voice breaking, when I spot Royce striding across the lawn to me.

  “I’ll just stand over here,” Tyler promises, already a loyal friend, even though it’s unnecessary. Royce isn’t going to harm me in any way.

  “Hayley! Hayden!” Royce shouts, never taking his eyes off of me, like he expects me to bolt. “Go with your momma into the house, ya hear? Go on, now.”

  “You okay?” Willa asks me. When I nod, she leaves us be. I watch her walk back to the house and onto the porch. By the time she gets to the front door, Hayden’s opening it for her, and Hayley’s walking in right behind her– Royce’s little soldiers.

  I close my eyes, unable to see the look of bitter disappointment on Royce’s face. The shaking begins again, starting in my fingertips to radiate up my arms. My guts twist and my throat clenches like I’m going to be sick.

  “I was stupid,” I force out, having a hard time with speec
h since bile, not words, is the only thing that wants to flow.

  “Are you okay?” Royce’s voice is filled with a deep well of compassion. “Do you need to go to the hospital?”

  My eyes pop open. “What?” I squawk, shocked.

  “Are you hurt?” Royce runs his palms up and down my arms, checking for… wounds? “We should go now. C’mon.”

  “What?” flees my lips again. “I’m physically fine, Royce. Why aren’t you mad at me? What’s up with you acting like I’m dying?”

  “You didn’t have sex?” Pure relief is in his tone. “You’re not hurt?”

  A laugh huffs out of me as I try to fathom what’s gotten into Royce. “Um… I’m pretty sure if I had anal sex and had to go to the hospital, either we were doing it very wrong, or very right. We’re talking about Kade and me, Royce.” I start sputtering. “Really?”

  Royce’s hands grip my shoulders, fingers biting in. “If, at any time, things get out of hand and you get hurt, go to the hospital immediately. It can cause lasting harm.” His eyes are sad, with misery swimming in their depths.

  “I… I…” My eyebrows knit together in the center as I try to reason him out. “What?”

  “Just promise me,” Royce begs.

  “Okay, but… it’s Kade and me. You get that, right? We might be big dudes, but we’re both very passive. If it gets to that, we won’t be pounding each other to death. What’s up with you? Why aren’t you tearing me a new asshole?”

  “So, you’re okay?” Royce’s eyes make a circuit over my body. “You’ve both been so frustrated. I worried about how it would be when you both broke.” His brown eyes dart away, refusing to hold my gaze. “I blame myself. None of this would be happening if I had allowed you to see each other again.”

  “I feel like we’re talking two different languages here, Royce, and we both know I’m fluent in English, Appalachia, drunk, and bullshit. You’re not to blame at all. It’s mostly on me, with Kade not telling me no.”

  A big palm covers Royce’s face, and then scrubs hard. “The first time I noticed was when Kade was visiting from college and you were waiting by my truck to begin work. He was staring at you from the window. So every time he came home, I told you not to come to work.”

  “What?” blows out of me in a gust.

  “After he moved back home, Kade kept visiting you at the Circle K. He was being real surly, but it was in public so I let it be.” Royce turns around, like he’s the one ashamed. “I just didn’t want you ruining your lives… what I feared, I created. If I would’ve allowed you two to spend time together, not pushed Kade to stay away from suppers and church, it wouldn’t have looked so odd in public.”

  “It’s not your fault that I like him.” Insane laughter bubbles up, replacing the anxiety with disbelief. “I did exactly what you warned me off from doing– exactly what you said I was doing, and I argued with you about.”

  Royce turns back around, almost violently. His patient brown eyes are now shooting sparks of rage. “If I’d let nature take its course in this house.” He points to the upper floor. “We wouldn’t be in this mess. Only we’d know. It would have been private. But I didn’t want to keep secrets– secrets that would destroy futures.”

  “Hey.” I reach over to shake Royce a bit, trying to calm him down. “It’s going to be okay. No matter what happens. You’ve got to believe it. You ought to be beating Kade and me, tearing into our ears with your lectures, not beating yourself up. Dang it, Royce!”

  Looking me deep in the eye, “I was scared,” he admits like a secret. “I let Bren do whatever with girls as long as he’s safe, because he won’t hurt them and they can’t hurt him. But I was scared what would happen between you two if you got alone.”

  Speechless, I just stare at my dad. I know he’s not a homophobe. There’s something that isn’t clicking into place in my head. “I know I’m dang innocent, but even I know it’s not supposed to hurt enough to harm. Be uncomfortable, I suspect. Anyway, Kade says he doesn’t do that.”

  “Okay. Good.” Royce takes a deep breath, and then it shudders out. “I’m gonna go sit with Willa and the kids for a while. The boys need to be on their busses before nine, and no one can spend the night but Jack.” He walks toward the porch. “Either in your room or the spare room. Keep Jack out of Bren’s bedroom, please.”

  “Okay,” I agree quickly, still confused. “Bizarre.” I trail a manic laugh as Tyler hesitantly approaches me. I know he heard it all. “Am I missing something? Is sex between men like going to the slaughter?”

  “No.” Tyler looks a bit sad. “It’s uncomfortable sometimes. But you can get really hurt if someone wants to hurt you.”

  “I…” I reach for the top half of the pizza boxes, feeling bad that Tyler didn’t just go to the bonfire instead of sticking around for me. “I feel like shit right now. If Royce would have yelled at me, been disappointed in me, grounded me, I would have felt better. It’s a billion times worse because he’s upset with himself.”

  “Wynn?” Tyler calls out when I start heading toward the team. “Your dad… he… he’s been hurt real bad. Someone wanted to harm him. He doesn’t realize that it’s just as normal for us as it is between him and a woman. That’s what your mind won’t let you light on, because you’re petrified of the truth.”

  I walk to the bonfire in a daze with tears swimming in my eyes. I’m thankful for the waning light so no one will call me out on crying. My body is warring with itself. I want to run halfway across town to give and seek comfort from Kade, but I also want to go in the house and give Royce comfort as well. But I know better. Royce is a prideful man who wouldn’t want his sons to see him break. I think that’s Willa’s job now.

  “’Bout time!” A few guys shout when we approach. “I’m starving,” Bren continues on, but he’s looking at me like it’s killing him not to ask what his dad and I talked about.

  Our fire pit is a large hole dug into the ground, with flat rocks surrounding it so the fire won’t spread. There are a few logs set out as seats, and an outdoor storage box filled with matches, lighter fluid, and roasting sticks for hotdogs and marshmallows. Royce loves to sit out here and stare off into the field and the hills beyond.

  Some of the guys are sitting on the logs, but that’s not what they’re for. Bren and Jack have it right, sitting on the ground with the log as their backrest. I settle down on the ground next to Jack, not wanting to be interrogated by Bren just yet.

  Placing the pizza boxes on a sawed-off stump, “Okay, asshats!” Tyler shouts. “We’ve got a meat lovers with a shit-ton of jalapenos.”

  “Me!” Tyler’s Power Forward takes the box, and he and two buddies go after it, taking slices.

  “Another meat lovers. I’m sensing a trend, here.” Bren lunges forward, steals the box from Tyler, sits down next to Jack, and then props the box on their thighs. “Vegetarian? That is just a travesty.”

  “Mine!” Francis grabs the box out of Tyler’s hands, giving the kid a once-over. He sits next to Bren. After grabbing three slices of vegetarian, he passes the box to Jack. I laugh while watching the idiots make pizza sandwiches out of one slice meat lovers and one slice vegetarian, all because their Franny doesn’t eat meat but can’t eat a whole pizza himself.

  “A fag that don’t eat meat? You guys are seriously fucked in the head.” Rob from Furrow Creek taunts, but his voice is light and there is a sympathetic smile on his face. “You better bring it on the court. We don’t need any more jesters.”

  “Three pepperoni– y’all can fight over those.” Tyler plops the boxes on the ground, and a couple of guys grab them up. “Chicken Wing. WIN! That’s mine.” He’s looks around for a safe place to stash it.

  “I’ll hold it.” I try to take the box but Tyler won’t let go. A game of tug-of-war commences as we laugh. “Don’t worry, I won’t touch your pizza. I can’t eat it without it making me sick.” The box is tossed on my lap in a heartbeat.

  “Another meat lovers, seriously?” Tyler just
hands the box to the chubby kid, knowing it’s his. “Barbeque chicken? Mmm… I want a slice.”

  Duane grabs the box, reaches in, and tosses two slices on top of Tyler’s Chicken Wing pizza, and then retrieves two as compensation. He then settles down next to Francis. I snort, noting how we’re all together yet still segregated. Rusty Knob is sitting together at one log. Furrow Creek at another, and Hillock Corners at the last log across the fire.

  “Last but not least… Plain cheese? Who eats that?” Tyler taunts, walking over to sit next to me, breaking the segregation cycle. “Even Franny has an imagination. Wynn, plain?”

  “Wynn has tummy aches,” Bren teases me around a mouthful of half-chewed pizza. “If he’s upset, he eats boring food. When he’s not, he goes balls to the wall and empties out the cupboards.”

  “Cheese won’t hurt as much as meat lovers on the way back out,” I mutter underneath my breath. “So, let’s just pretend I didn’t screw around in the parking lot of Calhan’s, and that you all know it was with a guy. It doesn’t affect my performance on the court. So if you want to work hard, learn some new tricks, and get better before we graduate and go off to college, then now’s the time to swallow whatever bullshit you want to say to me and get to work.”

  After a few nasty remarks, we spend the next hour and a half eating pizza, sharing stupid stories, bragging about our stats, and getting to know one another, because there is no I in team.

  Let Us Grow Up

  I’m standing outside of Royce’s office with my ear pressed against the wooden door, trying with all my might to eavesdrop. About five minutes ago, Kaden arrived for Sunday supper. I saw from the upstairs window, and my heart flipped out at the sight. By the time I got down here, they were locked together in Royce’s office.

  Friday night I tried to call Kade and he shut me down. I logged into the group, and he wasn’t on. Like a stalker, on Saturday, I went to Warren and Penny’s, dragging the twins and Bren in tow. It was an excuse to spy on Kade, but everyone saw through it. Warren said Kade took a drive to get his head on straight, that he was with his grandfather, and I was to leave him be.