F**k It Therapy

by John C. Parkin

  But we did go very slowly. And, after passing a station along the way, the train came to a halt again. After sitting there for ten minutes, the driver came onto the PA and said that we had run into a flood, so we’d have to return to the station and find another means of getting to the airport. Sorry.

  Fire, now flood. This joke was getting funnier.

  We got to the station, and I knew that inevitably I had to get onto a bus quickly in order to stand any chance of catching my plane. I was the first on the bus, which was very soon packed. I knew if we left shortly I could make it. But the driver announced in a wonderful friendly tone:

  ‘Mornin’, ladies and gents, we’ll be on our way to the airport soon. Got to admit, though, that’s it’s my first day on this route, so hope you can help me out if I get a bit lost.’

  He got lost, of course, badly lost. And none of us knew the roads round there.

  Did this joke have an end, a punch line?

  When we finally got off the bus, I knew that I’d missed my plane. Not because the plane had taken off, but because it was 35 minutes before it was due to take off and Ryanair is very strict about not letting people check in less than 40 minutes before take-off. So I went straight to the desk. There was a line, but I was the first in line from our train/bus. I also knew of two other possible flights that I could get to Italy that day, which would get me close enough to home.

  I still felt relaxed. I felt it was an adventure. I was being taught a lesson. And I wasn’t going to resent that lesson, I was going to enjoy it – even if it was darned inconvenient.

  And when I got to the desk and asked about one of the alternative flights, I was told it was full. I asked about the other one (to Bologna), and it had just one space left. I booked it – and smiled.

  It was an astonishing day for me. I did feel as if I was being taught a lesson of trust, but by a force that was benign. (‘If you stay with this, John, and stay relaxed, and NOW trust me, I’ll get you through it, but let me have my fun, won’t you?’)

  This travel anxiety has only happened to me once since. I suddenly got anxious about driving on the country roads here in Italy. I even told Gaia that she should slow down, because you just don’t know what other people are going to do (they tend to cut the corners). So I drove more slowly that morning. I wondered, too, if my fear could actually attract some trouble, but resolved not to be scared, just more cautious than usual.

  Sure enough, on my return from dropping off the boys at school, on the last stretch before turning onto our track, I was driving (more slowly than usual) down the open road, and a car was waiting to pull out from a driveway. The driver was looking in my direction. But just as I was closing on her, she pulled out right in front of me. I braked. I swerved. I missed her by a few inches. If I’d been going faster I would have ploughed into her door.

  Or would I have passed that driveway before she’d even gotten to it?

  How the heck was that one working?

  I didn’t know, and I didn’t think about it too much. What I knew is that I’d had that feeling again and I’d trusted it – and avoided an accident.

  Did you know that there are usually fewer than average people on trains that crash? Sadly, there are still people on those trains, but there are fewer than there ‘should’ have been.

  How the heck does that work?

  Now, please don’t suddenly stop getting on trains and planes because you feel slightly weird. This is a very rare and unmistakable, unusual feeling. If you’re generally nervous about flying, for example, don’t suddenly start to think that you’re nervous because something is going to happen. Things usually don’t happen. Planes are even safer than trains, and trains are very safe – even trains that burst into flames, and hit floods.

  ATTRACT IT

  A book could be written on this subject alone. In fact, many have. And very well they’ve done, too (The Secret, anything by Abraham-Hicks, etc.). The question is this: how do you attract the stuff you want? Well, even that is making an assumption – that you somehow believe you can ‘attract’ things to you. So let’s rephrase the question in less presumptuous terms:

  How do you get the stuff you want?

  The magic answer (the ‘secret’) is this… drumroll, please…

  You want it. |

  But not too much.

  Yes. Yes. I’m going to explain. Let’s cover the ground either side of this proposition (for successful ‘manifestation of whatever you want’) first, though.

  THE GROUND ON THE LEFT: NOT WANTING ANYTHING SPECIFIC

  You can go through life not wanting anything specific at all. The people who do this are usually in two camps. One camp has a big + logo painted on the entrance. The other a big – logo.

  The – lot (that’s a negative symbol, by the way) drift through life without any idea of where they want to go. They usually feel that life is random, tough, and shitty. They act like victims on the receiving end of the terrible cards life has dealt them. They take no responsibility for anything that happens to them and spend their lives complaining about everybody and everything.

  If you sat them down and gave them an easy-to-enact action plan for how to get out of the shitty situation, they’d start their response with ‘But…’ This camp is hard to escape. It’s a prison camp. And everyone in this prison camp is kept in by habit, negativity, and the fact that everyone else around them thinks and talks the same way. If you find yourself straying inadvertently into this camp, and talking to one of the inmates, try to get away as soon as you can. If you have to sit and listen to them, close your ears and think about something else. They’re unlikely to hear any sense. The only thing they’ll respond to is if you say, ‘Yes, it’s terrible isn’t it?’

  The + lot (the positive camp) is a happy, laid-back place. This lot has realized that ‘wanting’ stuff is like being on a never-ending treadmill. You want something so bad. Then you get it. And it’s okay for a moment. But then you want something else. Then you get it. And it’s satisfying for a moment. Then you want something else. And so on, and so on.

  This + lot have realized that you don’t need to get anything else, or go anywhere else, to be happy. They’re fine with who they are, they’re fine with where they are, they’re fine with what arises in their life in any moment. They have no particular plans. They certainly don’t have any goals. If they feel like visiting another country, then, sure, they’ll ‘plan’ a trip. But they don’t plan to transform their life so they can have twice as much time away. They are spontaneous. They’re very relaxed and nice to be around. And things seem to work for them.

  So why isn’t this chapter about them? Because not many people make it to this camp (and if you now make it your aim to get there, you’ve probably missed the point). This chapter is about them to this extent: the reason life tends to work for those in this camp, is that the law of attraction (which we’re coming to) works in some very subtle ways. If you’re happy with your lot and open, and feel good about most of what’s going on for you, yet you have no fixed plans, then you’re still likely to attract some amazing stuff into your life. In fact, you’re likely to attract most of the amazing stuff that those using manifestation techniques want to attract. It’s just that you’re not using any techniques. You’re just living, and it’s working. Lucky you.

  THE GROUND ON THE RIGHT: BEING VERY FOCUSED ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT

  This is how most of us operate, because this is how we think we get the things we want. And getting what we want is pretty much what life is like for most of us. I’m not just talking about the material stuff, of course. Whether you want a Porsche, or to meet the perfect man or woman, or to get promoted, or to be happy in your skin, or to live in the countryside, or to have more friends, or to float your company for a billion dollars, or to find more peace in your life, or to start a family, or to make a difference, or to be able to access your higher self, or to meditate like a monk, or to have sex with more than 1,000 people before you’re 40, or to complete yo
ur collection of Mickey Mouse teapots, or to free yourself from the confines of your ego, or to make a breakthrough in science and win the Nobel Prize, or to enjoy the heady scent of power, true power, or to become famous, or to get better, or to run a marathon, or to find enlightenment, yes, become enlightened, truly enlightened…

  You want something.

  And the way to get that something you want is, usually, to follow these four steps:

  Be clear about what you want.

  Work out a plan (with steps) to get it.

  Persevere and work hard on those steps in order to get it.

  Not give up.

  And this IS an effective way to get what you want. Yes, I’ll say that again: this is an effective way to get what you want. And this is how many people have gotten what they wanted. Maybe it’s how most people have gotten what they wanted.

  Period? No.

  It has its price – in fact, prices. I’ll number those, too:

  1. NOT HAPPY

  Are they happy when they get what they want? Often not. The very nature of the programming (which includes something like I’ll be happy when I get…) means that, once the ‘wants’ are achieved, then they’re replaced by other wants. Steps one to four are repeated forever. For the sophisticated seekers, it ends up with ‘I want enlightenment.’ Even Buddha wanted that. Conclusion: it’s a bottomless pit of desire; the serially fulfilled wants never fully satiate the core desire (which is, usually, to feel good).

  2. IT’S TIRING

  Exhausting, in fact. Look around you and what you’ll probably see is people literally exhausted by the process of following the above programming. It works on its own terms (you might get what you want), but it knackers1 you out, and will probably make you ill.

  3. IT EXCLUDES SPONTANEITY

  If you’re very focused and stick to your plan, follow your steps and persevere no matter what, you close yourself to the numerous opportunities and sights that exist around your plan. You’ll know this to be true from every part of your life. For example, on a journey, say, in your car, when you’re entirely focused on where you’re going and what you’ll do when you get there, you tend not to notice what’s going on around you. You don’t consider other routes that might be more picturesque or more pleasant or less busy. You don’t notice the whole world of life out there through the window. You don’t notice the old woman who’s just eased herself onto a bench to enjoy a bar of chocolate; you don’t notice the leaves held up above the street, momentarily motionless because of the meeting of two air streams; or the burned-out restaurant you used to go to with your wife before you were married; or the kid pulling on his mother’s hand, wanting to go into the toy shop; or the poster pasted onto a boarded-up storefront advertising a meditation and mindfulness course. And that becomes your life. You don’t notice what’s really going on, because you have your eyes on something else. Well done, though, at least you’re focused.

  4. WANT VERSUS NEED

  You might get what you want, but maybe not what you need. The two are often different. Watch any movie. Most movies are about a character who wants something very, very much and tries to get it. They are presented with challenges along the way, sometimes apparently insurmountable ones. But they usually prevail and (usually) get what they want. Along the way, however, usually by confronting what’s referred to as their ‘ghost’ (something deep within them that they haven’t been able to face previously), they realize what they ‘need.’ And it’s often different from what they ‘want.’ So getting what they need usually becomes the point, and the satisfying aspect, of the movie. In the end, getting what they want becomes a sub-plot, less important to them and you than getting what they need. Therefore, if you can work out what you need, rather than what you want, you could save yourself a lot of time. Indeed, if you can work out what you really, ultimately ‘want,’ it starts to converge with what you need. With a bit of thought, you might realize that you simply want to feel good, now. And all your want-chasing is, underneath, motivated by that simple desire to feel good. If all you really want (and need) is to feel good, now, why not cut a long story short and decide you can feel good now, without anything else? I will, now. Ahhhh, that’s better.

  THE MIDDLE GROUND: ATTRACTING WHAT YOU WANT

  I see now that this is literally the ground in the middle – and good ground it is to be on, too. So attraction does work:

  It works for those who don’t want anything in particular, but are feeling good in the now: they attract lovely stuff into their lives that continues to make them feel good. This is like the soft side of ‘Life’ (or the ‘universe’ or ‘God’ if you prefer, I’ll use ‘Life’ this time): saying, ‘Well, I love the fact that you’re so laid-back and grateful just to be you and to be doing what you do, so I’m going to give you something really rather lovely… I know you don’t need it to be happy, but I’m going to give it to you anyway; call it a “thanks-for-not-bothering-me” gift, if you will.’

  And it works for those who are very focused. This is the more business-like side of Life. It’s the subcontracted fulfillment house of Life saying, ‘Yes, Yes, I know I promised that if you asked, then you’d receive, so we’re working hard here on providing what you want… we’re doing our best, you know, it’s just that it might take a little time, please be patient, thank you.’

  And if you combine elements of those two methods of successful attraction, you get something rather magic (which it’s why it’s in this magic section).

  So, begin by learning from the first group: learn to be fine with who you are, where you are, and what Life is giving you on a moment-by-moment basis. (Turn to Thank It for how to do this.) Learn that you can feel good now, without going anywhere or doing anything, or improving anything about yourself.

  Next, learn from the second group: if you keep something you want in mind, you’re very likely to get it.

  Then fuse the two together. You begin to lead a life in which you’re fine with you, who you are, and where you are in life. But in this space of acceptance and gratitude, a desire arises for something else. And that desire for something else doesn’t mean that what you are now is wrong. It’s just a gentle desire. It’s like walking in a park in a wooded area. You’re enjoying being in this area, among the trees. But you then have a thought that you’d like to be next to the lake, watching the ducks and the swans. That thought doesn’t make you dislike where you are, or unhappy with being among the trees, but you now start to walk gently toward where you think the lake is (you know there is one, you just can’t completely recall the exact spot). You enjoy the walking. And when you reach the lake, you enjoy the experience. But while you’re there watching the ducks, you realize you’re hungry, and have a desire for Chinese food – crispy duck, in particular. And this desire doesn’t make you dislike the experience of watching the ducks (though it’s a little weird), but you now plan how to make your way to a Chinese restaurant. Later, on your way to your favorite Chinese restaurant, you bump into a good friend whom you haven’t seen for a while. She’s free and wonders if you want to eat together. You know she’s allergic to MSG, and she suggests going to a great Italian restaurant she knows. So you agree. You let go of that thought for crispy duck easily. And you start looking forward to a tagliatelle al ragu, which, when you get to the restaurant, the waiter informs you they don’t have on the menu. But they have gnocci with a duck sauce, which is strange and you go for it. You try some of your Italian on the waiter, and you get chatting. And a week later you’re sitting in a Chinese restaurant with the sexy Italian waiter, eating a dish of crispy duck.

  So you have a few apparently contradictory things going on here (which is what makes it an interesting art to practice):

  Recognizing that you can be happy with what you have, but still ‘wanting’ something else, at the same time.

  Being clear about what you want, but not being attached to it. This is the ability to hold something lightly: Yes, it would be nice to have that, but my happiness
doesn’t depend on it (and this is supported by point one, because you’re happy anyway, so your happiness certainly doesn’t depend on it).

  Being clear about what you want, but not knowing how you’re going to get it. If you can resist making your step-by-step plan and instead open to it happening in many different ways, then you open to Life helping you do it. It takes the strain off you (remember that exhaustion was a major problem for those who were focused on what they wanted). It means you can be more free and spontaneous. And it means you’re likely to find amazing new things along the way that will probably fulfill what you ‘need’ as well as what you ‘want.’

  If you can figure that out, then you give Life a fine old time, too. Life is happy because you’re happy, so the pressure’s off (for you and Him/Her/It). Life is happy because the brief is clear, but the ways to achieve it are loose (this gives the fulfillment house much more flexibility and the opportunity to be CREATIVE – and they love being creative). Life is happy because if, for whatever reason, there’s some kind of f**k up down at the fulfillment house (and mistakes do happen, that’s Life), then you’re not so attached, so it’s fine.

  Everyone wins. It’s magic.

  I said ‘F**k It’ – and bought a Porsche

  I’m a consultant. I do well – well enough to pay the mortgage, lead a nice life, take the odd vacation, and run a sensible car. And it was on a F**k It Retreat in Italy, in fact, a couple of years ago, that I decided to say F**k It to the sensible car thing. I knew it would be a stretch on the bank account. But I also thought If not now, when? I’d always wanted to drive a Porsche, so I thought that I should take the plunge and try one out.