Tattooed On My Soul

by Lisa DeBells

  I didn’t turn; his words were a contradiction to what he’d said before. He walked around my body to face me instead. His body was bare, save his jeans that rode so low on his hips it should be outlawed. The smooth lines of his chest captivated me.

  “Just listen, OK?” He tugged my chin up and I nodded my head once in ascent. I was too curious for this. He pushed me the few feet back so that I sat on my bed and he knelt in front of me in between my legs. His hands rested on my thighs, as if he needed the contact to continue. I was warring within myself and his touch, wanting the connection, not wanting it. Gah!

  “I didn’t do girlfriends—” I sprung to my feet, ready to kick him the fuck out of my house. Mitchell placated me with his hands and his soft words. “Listen, please,” he implored holding me still.

  “This better be good,” I mumbled under my breath. He ignored it, and continued.

  “I never used to want to be with any one girl in particular. They stayed the night, only when sex was involved. I wouldn’t stay at theirs, unless it led to sex. I never did dinners, or lunches, unless it generated into sex.” I rolled my eyes at his blatant sexual prowness; this confession was like torture. “Until you. At first I didn’t want to admit that you got under my skin. When you didn’t call me, I wanted you to. You have me re-evaluating what I envisioned my future to be. Everywhere I look, I see you with me. In my home, in my bed, fuck me, going shopping. I. Can’t. Get. You. Out. Of. My. Head. You are my game-changer.” He gaze was incredulous, as if he didn’t believe it either.

  So he wanted me. “Why the warning, Mitch?” I whispered.

  He dropped his head as if remembering something that was unpleasant. “I had a speed-bump from my past pop up today.” His troubled eyes reflected confusion.

  “Sounds like a woman.” Please say it wasn’t. His hesitation told me it was. His nod was the only response. My stomach was instantly in knots. “So, how do I fit in? Or don’t I?” I tried to stand, wanting some distance but again, Mitchell’s hands stilled my legs.

  “She means nothing to me, Eden. Just a temporary obstruction that Chase is sorting out. I wanted to tell you because I won’t lose you over this. I have worked too hard in the last five years to get my life in order. The last thing I want is for my future to meet my past.”

  “You’re ashamed of me?”

  “Are you fucking serious? I’m ashamed of me. I’ve don’t shit, Eden, bad stuff that I have blocked out and built a wall around. I’ve paid my dues; now this problem needs to sort out before we can move forward. You have me baby, don’t think that when I’m not with you just that thought of you doesn’t consume my every waking hour.” His chest was rising and falling heavily as if he were having trouble saying the words. I could understand that; words weren’t my strong suit. My heart melted completely at my roguish man opening up to me. “I dream about you Eden. You were made to be mine.” He says with vehemence. The rejection that I’d felt earlier dissipated at Mitchell’s words. He was confused by his feelings; my man was dealing with shit that I had no idea of. At the same time, he wanted me. My chest ached when I looked to a future that lacked him in it. Could I hold on, give him some space.

  “You need some time apart?” This almost killed me to say out loud. “To sort out this . . . impediment?”

  “You would give me that. You would wait for me?” He looked at me incredulously. It was all I could do to reach out and run my finger down the side of his beautiful face, across his full lips that had done wonderful things to me.

  “If that’s what you need to come back to me.”

  Mitchell pulled my body into his, curving his arms around my back tightly. We were nose to nose, chest to chest, his hard sculpted body pressed up to my softer curves. “Just . . . come back, Mitch, okay?”

  He ran his nose along my cheek, and inhaled deeply when he reached the crook of my neck. He rested his chin there as we simply held on. I wasn’t sure why I was taking this risk. I always shielded myself from this kind of drama. But Mitchell was different, and worth so much more to me. I would do this for him; for us.

  “I just need a couple of days. I need you too much to stay any longer. Just trust me, OK?” Mitchell’s lips connected with my neck. He buzzed his kisses all over from my ear to my jaw. I breathed in his scent and swallowed down any tears I felt. Why did this feel more like a break up.

  “I can do that,” I murmured unconvincingly.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  I’d walked to work this morning, reasoning that I could clear out some of the turmoil in my head with the fresh air. Oh yeah, at the time it was a great notion. Mission accomplished, except for the fact that I was now freezing my butt off on the return trip. I had sat Mitchell on the back-burner, exactly where he had put me. I’d surmised that I was somewhere between kinda-girlfriend to a problem he didn’t want interfering with whatever the speed bump was. Well, fuck him! I’d thrown myself into work the last ten days, and I was feeling mighty fine.

  Liar, you feel shitty and you miss him like mad . . . Damn that devil on my shoulder for telling the truth. Well, I didn’t have to admit it out loud, even if it was true.

  Now I was walking home. It was a cold November day. Rain drizzled, darkening the sky earlier than usual, and dark-grey clouds threatened to open up into a full-blown thunderstorm. Here I was in my suit, with a briefcase and my handbag, fighting with my ridiculous leopard-print umbrella. I could have hailed a cab, but that would be me defeated. Nup, I would push through this shit it if killed me; I’d been through worse.

  Thanksgiving was fast approaching. For me, this time held nothing but tragic loss, and the memory of a cataclysmic incident. An experience that had devastated me. I was just a child of ten years’ old, a baby really. I carried the sorrow with me all the time. It was easier these last few years, though, to deal with being an only child. The ache had lessened. I did still ache at the same time every year, no matter how much I had healed. I was always thankful for the precious time I’d shared with them.

  When this happened by keeping busy I had learnt to deal by keeping busy. My best friends hung around me like they had nothing better to do, but secretly I knew Ariel coddled me. I wasn’t sure if it was for my benefit or hers; either way it was out of love, so I embraced her support wholeheartedly.

  This year was different. I wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary. I was balancing work, launching new products and researching new formulas. This was very exciting and kept me extremely busy so that I’d skipped lunch most days.

  I hadn’t heard from my girls for about a few days. It wasn’t unusual, especially with the high-profile case Gia was engulfed in. Sammy was rehearsing daily for her first album. This was a special time for her, and I understood that we were all busy. Ariel was coming over for dinner tonight. It had been too long between drinks and a decent catch-up. Text and three-minute phone chats weren’t cutting it anymore. I needed my bestie to make everything right with the world.

  Bubbles of anxiety pooled like ice in my belly at the thought of him. I waited for the lift to arrive at my floor. Why was it that even though Mitchell had only been in my life for little over a month, I could picture him in each part of my house? I yearned to see him again, hear his sexy voice that dripped over me like honey, feel his hands glide up my body, gripping me and molding me to him. I wanted to hear him telling me I was his, demanding that I say it in confirmation. By far the best part of Mitchell was when his eyes met mine, those moments in time where we connected, the heat zinging between us. I hungered for that again and felt the stabbing pain in my heart at not having it.

  The doors opened up to my home. It was full of my possessions, from expensive objects of art to huge conch shells that I had handpicked on summer vacations in exotic destinations. I kicked my runners off and shed a trail of clothing to my bathroom. I was cold and shivering, my hands raw; a bath would warm me up. I ran the taps and squirted some vanilla and coconut scented bubbles. Maybe if I closed my eyes I could drift off to another w
orld, a secluded beach with nothing but the bright, hot sun beating down on me, loosening the sadness that I carried around my neck like a noose. I dropped down into the white, stone tub and hissed at the sting of the hot water on my cold skin. I lay back and closed my eyes, hissing from the outside pain, welcoming it.

  I had tried not to think about what was keeping Mitchell away from me. Was he is trouble, like with the law, or had he wanted to test the goods with his ex again? I inhaled huffily and pinched my eyebrows together, over analysing the circumstances was not easy when I had barely the facts to work with. not wanting to head down that dismal road of doubt and deceit. Mitchell was the one who’d asked me to take a chance on him. I had, and it had gone against all that I stood for, but god damn, it was the best decision I had made in a long time. I trusted him with my life. That was why this hurt; the non-contact. The longer I went without a phone call or text, the more distant I felt from what connected us.

  My nose tingled with unshed tears. The lump in my throat was golf-ball sized and my eyelids burned with hot tears. A sob swelled up my throat. Trying to stop it was like trying to stop the sunsetting—impossible. I let the torrent of heartbreak out. Fat tears streamed down my cheeks as I sobbed into my hands bitterly. I cried for having my parents ripped away from me, the total desolation of my childhood, and the struggle of my awkward teenage years when I suppressed all of my emotion into being a smart-mouthed little bitch.

  I heaved in and out, desolate sobs that racked my body, shaking me to the depths of my very soul. I grieved until the tears had dried up. When I opened my eyes it took me minutes to focus my erratic thoughts on one thing until I rested on Mitchell, imagining his face, rough and beautiful at the same time . . . and absent.

  My hiccupping sobs dwindled until I was consumed by Mitchell. Images flashed through my mind like a movie, of how we’d first met on a drunken night, to him carrying me and caring for me when I couldn’t. Our first kiss, the first time I went to his apartment and found that there was a lot more to the bad boy that I had judged from his outside package. The way he wanted me, raw and passionate, gently ripping away the shell I had erected around my heart.

  I traced my lips with the tip of my finger, remembering his touch.

  I needed Mitchell. I wanted him to need me just as much. Why wasn’t he fighting for us?

  I sunk my wrecked body into the bottom of the tub until I could feel my hair floating around me. Like a baptism I emerged, more desperate than ever before.

  ********

  Ariel found me hours later, snuggled on my lounge with a blanket and pillow that I had dragged from my bed. I didn’t have the energy to make the dinner I had promised her. Instead I was drifting in and out of sleep, dreaming of the accident and Mitchell. Somehow, instead of losing my parents, it was Mitchell that I was grieving for. He was in the crumpled car that had coasted off the ravine taking his life.

  “Eden, wake up.” I had the faint sensation of being jostled about. I was falling down that cliff, the one I had been running and jumping off, not knowing what was beneath me, only that it was going to take me forever. “For Christ’s sake, please, Eden.” The persistent worried voice was insisting in desperation.

  I opened my eyes and met the concerned gaze of my best friend. She was shaking me gently by my shoulders, as if she were afraid that I would break. “Oh my God, Eden, you freaked the shit outta me. I let myself in and you were . . .” She motioned with her hand up and down me. “. . . crying out Mitchell’s name. You said you loved him,” Ariel whispered, touching her hand to my cheek.

  “I dreamed that he was dead.” New tears sprang to my eyes as I remembered the dream.

  She pulled me into her embrace and I scooted over on the lounge. “Shhhh,” she cooed, pulling me in for a hug. “It’s Thanksgiving soon. I haven’t been here enough for you lately. I’m sorry, honey.” Ariel rocked me in her arms and I cried a myriad of tears because my best friend was taking care of me.

  “It’s okay, Ari. You’re here now.” This was all it took for me to spill everything to her, including Mitchell asking me to trust that he’d come back to me.

  “Have you told him yet?” She pulled back and settled her questioning eyes on me. There was no explanation required as to what Ariel was referring to.

  “No. I don’t think I can. Besides, I think its over.”

  “He’s a douche for not calling.”

  “Yeah, he is.” I’m starting to agree. I gave him space, but a text to tell me he was thinking about me, or missing me, wouldn’t hurt. I was an idiot to think that he was ever mine to begin with. “I have given him almost two weeks of space, maybe he’s happy I haven’t called him.”

  “Don’t even go there, maybe if Mitchell knew about—” She smoothes her harem pants down her thighs in clear discomfort. “If he knew the full effect that this time of year has on you, well he may be here to soothe the ache.”

  “No Ari, give it a rest, I don’t need him here out of pity.” I interrupted her. Fresh tears pooled in my eyes and I hated myself for letting him get to me, but the festering ache like a smouldering fire that seared my empty chest reminded me that he was not around when I needed him to be. He was dealing with his own demons and I had been left in the fall-out.

  “Or he could entertain you with his big dick, he does have a huge one doesn’t he Ed’s, please don’t burst the image I have of him.” She clutches her hands together, begging me.

  “Ewwww, you have fantasised about the size of Mitchell’s, you-know-what.”

  “Cock, say it.” She fell back into the lounge giggling.

  My cell phone interrupted. I wasn’t picking it up. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone even if there was a slim chance it was Mitchell. “Here, take it, I don’t want it.”

  “It’s the douche,” Ariel confirmed, holding the phone out to me while my heart leapt out of my chest. I didn’t touch it, as if the phone was a hot rock. Why was he deciding to call me now? Maybe he was out of fresh pussy.

  “Will you be answering that anytime soon?” Ariel quirks as eyebrow at me.

  I shook my head deliberately. “I’m not even sure what I would say to him.”

  “You tell him exactly how you feel. No calls, not even a text? Come on, girl, he’s hurt you and you deserve some answers. If he means that much to you, call him on that shit.”

  I mulled over Ariel’s words. Could I tell him how I felt? That he’d healed my heart and was now slowly but surely breaking it. Surely this would just push him away even further. “Obviously he didn’t want me around for a reason. Mitchell was clear; he doesn’t want his past, meeting up with me. I’m just not sure if he’s trying to play games.” I rolled my eyes.

  “What does your gut say?”

  “Stupidly, I actually trust the guy. He was way too sincere with me and he’s only ever looked out for me from that very first night. I just can’t get past the non-contact; it’s as if nothing we shared really meant anything to him. I know we had this connection. Fuck, Ari, we sizzle when we’re together, and not just in bed.”

  “The fact that you’re blushing is freaking me out. When you’re ready, if, let him know you’re not going to wait in the wings for whatever is keeping him from you. You’re a catch, babe, and if he can’t see that, you’re better off without that sexy son of a bitch.”

  I had to laugh in the face on adversity. Only Ariel could make my life so cut and dry; there weren’t any shades of grey with her.

  “Yeah, you’re right. I can’t go another day without knowing either way. Thanks Ari, you do know you’re the best, right?” I bumped her with my shoulder. It felt good making a decision, like I had a direction, even though I wasn’t sure of the outcome.

  I walked into the kitchen and busied myself putting together a plate of comfort food and wine, when I heard Ariel’s voice pique in anger.

  “So, you finally decided to call. Well, you certainly took your sweet-ass time, asshole. Ten days too long.”

  Shit it was Mitchell. I
hated the excitement that filled me just knowing he was on the phone. Ariel pointed to the cell phone at her ear and mouthed the words, “Are you taking this?” I shook my head no.

  “No, you can’t . . . You lost that right when you didn’t give a shit to call or come and see her.” I hear loud music blare from my speakers. “Besides, Eden is occupied, we are out and not at your club.” Oh no she totally didn’t.

  I was furious that Ariel was ruffling him up, but proud of my best friend for defending me.

  “Trust me babe, the Lion’s are circling tonight. Theres talent is in abundance.”

  Great, this was a one-sided conversation.

  “Eden will get back to you when she’s ready. Stay away . . . Unless you come back crawling over shattered glass, but not even then . . . Goodbye, douche-bag.”

  Wow, I had to give it to Ariel. She was a little firecracker, and right now launching a missile at Mitchell. She sashayed a path from the lounge to the windows waving her hand, in all of her hot-tempered glory.

  “Sorted him out.” Dropping the phone onto the side table she brushed her hands, signaling that he was done.

  “Wow, Ari, you really tore him a new one.” A smile tugged at my lips for the first time in days. “Right now, I’m shit scared of you.”

  “He needed to be told. You’re my girl and I stick up for you. You’d do the same for me, right?”

  “You got it, girl.” I handed her a wine and plate with a steaming piece of Mikey’s finest double-cheese.

  “By the way, he said to expect him.”

  I almost choked on a mouthful of pizza. Oh shit.

  “Was he pissed?”

  “If you mean was he yelling and mad, ummm, no, more like, dark and demanding.”