Aye, Robot (A Rex Nihilo Adventure) (Starship Grifters Book 2)

by Robert Kroese

  “Did you resist? He was supposed to let the crew go unharmed.”

  Apparently running hadn’t been the best move after all.

  “There’s no reason we can’t proceed with the deal,” Rex said. “You just pay us instead of Malgastar. Easy.”

  “I could have done that,” Pepper replied, “except that you opened the chamber.”

  Rex frowned. “Did I void the hundred-year-old frozen guy warranty or something? Everybody knows Ort Felzich went nuts. That’s why they froze him.”

  “Nuts, yes. This guy is catatonic. All he does is walk into walls and say ‘Slacks.’”

  “Slacks,” said Felzich, his forehead thumping against the wall.

  “I don’t understand,” I said. “I assumed the Sp’ossel connection to Felzich was mainly sentimental. Are they expecting to be able to reinstall him as their leader?”

  “I can’t say what they expect, exactly. My communications with the Sp’ossel leadership have been limited. But I get the impression they think Felzich has some valuable information.”

  “What kind of information?”

  “The legend says that Felzich was looking for something when he went insane. Something that was central to the Sp’ossels’ mission. I think the Sp’ossels know what he was looking for, and they hope to use him to find it.”

  “What do you think he was looking for?”

  “I don’t know. I’m not sure I even buy the story. The point is, the Sp’ossels believe it, and they were willing to pay for the information. I never promised them any information, though. I told them I’d deliver Felzich unharmed.”

  “Well, he’s technically unharmed, isn’t he?” Rex asked.

  Pepper shook her head. “They’ll take one look at him and renege on the deal. They might give me ten thousand credits for him, if I’m lucky. I could have sold them the cryo chamber unopened for fifty million, easy.”

  “I knew it!” Rex exclaimed. “I knew you were shafting us!”

  “But he’s practically worthless like this. In any case, I don’t have the money. I couldn’t pay you if I wanted to. I already spent twenty thousand so Malgastar could pay his crew for the job. Between that and the trouble I’m having getting pirates to pay their bills around here, I’m strapped for cash.”

  “Bills for what?” I asked.

  “Food, fuel, supplies, repairs, you name it. Sargasso Seven is a one-stop shop for all your privateering needs. But business has been bad since the Malarchy started indiscriminately blowing up pirate ships a few weeks ago. The Primate has put Heinous Vlaak in charge of anti-piracy efforts, and Vlaak is desperate to prove himself. I had to let all my employees go except Tim. I don’t even pay him. He works here because he thinks there’s such a thing as a piracy internship program.”

  I frowned. “You lied to him?”

  “Of course I lied to him. He was ready to sign up with Hookbeard. He’d be dead by now if I hadn’t intervened. At least this way he gets three square meals and a place to sleep. But I might not even be able to keep him on much longer. One of my regulars, a guy named Gil VerBrugge, just quit the business when three of his ships were blasted by the Malarchy. He sold his remaining ships and retired. Bastard owed me ten million credits.”

  “You let this VerBrugge guy rack up a debt of ten million credits?” Rex asked. “Sounds like you were asking to get ripped off.”

  “I was holding a shipment of black market pheelsophine as collateral on the debt, but I haven’t been able to unload it. It’s still sitting in my storeroom.”

  Rex frowned disapprovingly. “You’re telling me you were unable to sell a shipment of perfectly good black market narcotics?”

  “It’s tougher than you might think,” Pepper said. “The planets in this part of the galaxy are crawling with Malarchian agents. If they catch you with ten million credits’ worth of black market pheelsophine, you’re looking at a hundred years in Gulagatraz. I know a middleman on Vericulon Four, but he hasn’t been returning my calls. I’d go there in person, but I can’t leave Sargasso Seven.”

  “Hmm,” said Rex.

  “Sir, please,” I said. “We’re not drug dealers.”

  “I’m a businessman,” Rex replied. “I don’t make moral judgments about the products I sell.”

  “You could have ended that sentence at ‘judgments,’ sir.”

  He ignored me. “What if Sasha and I could deliver the pheelsophine and get the money from your middleman? Then you could pay us most of what you owe us.”

  “As I’ve established,” Pepper said, “I don’t owe you anything, since you delivered a defective product. However, considering the effort you’ve put in, I might be willing to give you twenty-five percent on the pheelsophine.”

  “No deal,” said Rex. “We’re taking all the risk. That pheelsophine is worthless to you without someone to fence it for you. I can’t sell it for less than seventy percent of the proceeds.”

  “Forty,” said Pepper.

  “Fifty percent and you have a deal.”

  “Done,” Pepper replied. “Let me show you where the pallet is.” She started toward the door and then stopped. “Do you think Felzich will be okay alone for a few minutes?”

  “Slacks,” said Felzich, banging his head against the wall.

  “He’ll be fine,” Rex said. “Let’s go get those drugs.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  I didn’t like the idea of getting into distributing black market pheelsophine, but we didn’t have much choice. Our ship was in bad shape. We had no money and just enough fuel to make one more hypergeometric jump. If we didn’t have some cargo to sell, we were going to have to sell the Flagrante Delicto-cum-Chronic Lumbago. That would get us a little cash, but then we’d be stranded on a strange planet with no way of making more money. It wouldn’t be the first time Rex and I had been in that position, but the last time we worked hard labor for three weeks before Rex managed to steal a prisoner transport vessel and get us off world.

  Anyway, this was a one-time deal. We’d contact Pepper’s middleman on Vericulon Four, sell him the pallet of pheelsophine, and head back to Sargasso Seven to give Pepper her cut. We left Boggs, Donny, Squawky, and Rex’s eye patch back at Pepper’s place as collateral.

  “I can’t believe she fell for that,” Rex said, as we entered orbit around Vericulon Four.

  “Sir?” I said.

  “Does Pepper really think we’re coming back to Sargasso Seven once we get paid for this shipment?”

  “Aren’t we, sir?”

  “Why? To give her half the money we make on these drugs? Not a chance.”

  “Sir, has it occurred to you that Pepper Mélange might be a valuable resource for us? She seems to be privy to a lot of information. If we stay on her good side, the long-term reward will undoubtedly outweigh—”

  “Never talk to me about long term rewards, Sasha. If I can’t spend it, I don’t want it.”

  “Additionally, sir,” I continued, “it would appear that Pepper has friends all over the galaxy. If we cross her, there’s a considerable possibility of retribution.”

  Rex rolled his eyes.

  “Also, you won’t get Squawky back.”

  “Squawky!” Rex cried, suddenly pained at the thought. “I miss him so much. Not just Squawky, of course. My eye patch too.”

  “You’ll never see either of them again if we swindle Pepper.”

  “It’s an impossible decision,” Rex moaned. “Five million credits or the best friend I’ve ever had. I can’t bear to think about it. What’s taking so long? Why haven’t we landed?”

  “Working on it, sir.” Our ship descended through the atmosphere and we landed at the Vericulon Four City Spaceport. Vericulon Four was a cold, gray, and depressing planet. Clouds concealed the planet’s sun and much of the surface was ice; only a few hundred square kilometers near the equator were habitable. The lone spaceport on the planet was right in the middle of this area.

  Pepper’s fence ran a small shipping company adjacent
to the spaceport. We left the pallet of pheelsophine in the ship and walked over to see him. We’d tried to raise him on the ship’s comm, but there had been no response. The spaceport was mostly deserted. Other than a few cargo handlers who wandered about listlessly or lay sleeping on the floor, we saw no spaceport personnel. Crates and various equipment lay strewn about the landing area. Despite these worrisome signs, however, Rex was in exceptionally good spirits.

  I opened the door to the shipping office to find a member of the Barashavian species lying on top of a sizable desk. Barashavians looked a bit like blue-furred kangaroos, with donkey-like ears and two large eyeballs on eyestalks. The Barashavian’s body remained motionless as we entered, but its eyes and ears turned slowly toward us.

  “Greetings!” Rex said, striding into the room. “I take it you’re Rav Varmara. Pepper Mélange sent us. We’ve got a shipment of something she said you’d be interested in.”

  “Oh,” said the Barashavian. “Oh, that’s great. Really great.” A smile came over his face and he extended one of his long arms, giving us a thumbs-up.

  “It’s pheelsophine,” Rex said cheerfully. “Black market pheelsophine. We’d love to sell it to you.”

  “Yeah,” said the Rav Varmara. “That’s great. Just, you know, leave it by the door.”

  “You heard him, Sasha. Go get the stuff.”

  “Yes, sir,” I said. I went to the ship and used an antigrav hand truck to carry the pallet back to Rav Varmara’s office. I parked it outside and went back into the office. I found Rex lying on the desk next to Rav Varmara. “Sir?” I asked.

  “Hey, Sasha,” Rex said. “What’s up?”

  “The pheelsophine is outside, sir.”

  “Great!” Rex exclaimed. “Just great.”

  “Yeah,” Rav Varmara agree. “Isn’t it? Just great.”

  “Sir, what are you doing?”

  “Just lying here with my friend, Rav Varmara. Did you know he’s been here for three days?”

  “Sometimes I get up to pee,” said Rav Varmara.

  “But… why?” I asked.

  “Don’t like lying in pee.”

  “I mean, why have you been lying here for three days?”

  Rav Varmara shrugged. “Every once in a while I think about doing something, but then I’m like, ‘why?’”

  “Exactly,” Rex said. “It’s so great here. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy.”

  “Me neither,” said Rav Varmara. “Let’s just stay here forever.”

  “Okay,” Rex said.

  “But sir,” I said. “What about the pheelsophine? What about the money?”

  “Money!” Rex spat. “Money doesn’t make you happy. You know what makes a person happy? I’ll tell you.”

  A long pause followed, during which he did not tell me.

  “Sir?” I asked.

  “I’m thinking,” Rex said. “I’m just so…”

  “Happy,” Rav Varmara said.

  “Yeah!” Rex exclaimed. “What he said. So, so happy. You should try this, Sasha.”

  “I don’t think there’s room for me on the desk, sir.”

  “It’s not about the desk, Sasha. Stop being such a downer. Why can’t you just be happy like me and Rav Varmara?”

  “I honestly don’t know, sir,” I replied. “Perhaps it would help if you described what you are feeling.”

  “I’m just, like, so happy,” Rex said.

  Rav Varmara nodded.

  “I don’t even know why I bothered with all those crazy cons and moneymaking scams. Happiness was here all along. Right here in my heart. Come on, Sasha. Lie down here with me and Rav and feel the happiness in your heart.”

  “I don’t have a heart, sir.”

  “Yeah, that’s true. Wow, that’s great. No heart. I’m so happy for you, Sasha.”

  “Please, sir. I think we’ve made a mistake. There’s something not right on this planet.”

  “No, no. Everything is fine. Everything is great.”

  “Really great,” Rav Varmara agreed. “So happy.”

  “Things are not great, sir,” I said. “Something has gone wrong with your brain. You’re experiencing some kind of delusion. An artificial euphoria of some kind, like a narcotic.” Had Rex gotten into the pheelsophine? The shrinkwrapping around the crate was unbroken, as far as I could tell. And this didn’t seem like a pheelsophine high. It was more like some kind of mind control. And it seemed to be affecting the entire spaceport, if not the whole planet. It explained why we hadn’t seen anybody working. Every sentient being in the area was experiencing an irrational euphoria that dampened their desire to do anything productive. Presumably I remained unaffected only because of my inorganic brain.

  Somehow I had to get Rex off this planet. But how? If he was completely content, there was nothing I could bait him with. On the other hand, if he was equally happy about everything, then nothing I suggested would seem like a bad idea to him.

  “I have a suggestion, sir,” I said.

  “That’s great, Sasha,” Rex replied. “I love it when you have suggestions.”

  “Suggestions are the best,” Rav Varmara agreed.

  “Well,” I went on, “I was thinking, wouldn’t it be great if we got back into the Flagrante Delicto? It would be so much more comfortable in there.”

  “Right?” Rex said. “This desk is horribly uncomfortable. Terrible ergonomics.”

  “The worst,” Rav Varmara agreed.

  “But that’s what makes it so great,” Rex added.

  “So great,” Rav agreed. “I’ve never been so happy to be this uncomfortable. It’s like my hips are on fire.”

  “My whole upper back has gone numb,” Rex said. “It’s amazing.”

  “Fantastic,” said Rav Varmara.

  “So the Flagrante Delicto…” I said.

  “Seems like a lot of effort, considering I have everything I need right here,” Rex said. “Maybe you should try lying down, Sasha.”

  I sighed. Clearly I was going to have to stack the deck in my favor. I went back outside, removed the antigrav hand truck from the pallet, and went back inside. “Who wants a ride?” I said.

  “Ooh, me!” Rex cried. He rolled off the desk onto the hand truck. Before Rav Varmara could get on as well, I pulled the hand truck away from the desk, moving toward the door. Rav Varmara shrugged and lay back down. I carried Rex across the tarmac back to the Flagrante Delicto. He yelped with glee the whole way. When I dumped him on the floor of the ship, he moaned, “Wow, that hurt. Amazing. I’m so happy you did that, Sasha. Ow.”

  I went to the cockpit and took off a quickly as I could, in case Rex changed his mind. He seemed perfectly content to lie on his back on the deck, but as I didn’t know the cause of his euphoria or what it might cause him to do next, I didn’t want to take any chances.

  We were only a few klicks above the surface when Rex came into the cockpit, looking even more surly than usual. “Why’d you leave that place?” he groused. “I loved it there.”

  “So I saw. You seemed to be in the grip of some kind of irrational delusion.”

  “You don’t have to ruin it for everybody, just because you don’t know how to have fun.”

  “Perhaps if you explained to me what was so wonderful about that shipping office…?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, Sasha. That place was… well, there was a big desk there. And a guy who smelled like urine. And, uh… Space, my back hurts. What was I thinking, Sasha?”

  “I don’t have the faintest idea, sir. I thought you’d gotten into the pheelsophine, but I—”

  “The pheelsophine! You left it at the spaceport!”

  “I didn’t have much choice, sir. I barely got you out of there.”

  “We have to go back!”

  “That would seem inadvisable, sir, until we figure out what happened to you. My best guess is some kind of mind control. It seemed to be affecting everyone at the spaceport, so I suspect some kind of localized psionic manipulation.”

/>   “A mind control ray.”

  “It would appear so, sir.”

  “And we don’t know who is using it or why. If we land again, they might send you into a suicidal depression or a homicidal rage. You were difficult enough to deal with when you were merely content.”

  “Why would somebody be using a mind control ray on the Vericulon Four City Spaceport?”

  “It may not be limited to the spaceport, sir. It could be the entire city. Perhaps even the entire habitable area of the planet.”

  “Only one way to find out,” Rex said.

  “Sir?”

  “Fly back toward the spaceport. Keep going until I’m happy.”

  “And then what?”

  “Leave again.”

  “Okay, and then…?”

  “Fly back in. Good grief, Sasha. Use your head. We’ll buzz around until we get an idea of how big the field is. Then we can find a safe place to land. I’ll wait in the ship while you get the pheelsophine.”

  “Aye, sir,” I said. As Rex’s ideas went, it wasn’t a terrible one. I turned the Flagrante Delicto around. Not two minutes later, Rex gave a contented sigh.

  “This is the best idea I ever had,” he said. “I love this place.” He sank to his knees on the metal deck. “Such a nice floor. So great. Sasha, let’s never, ever… ugh. Why am I on the floor?”

  “We seem to be leaving the field again, sir. Give me a moment to bank and I’ll head back in.

  “Hurry up,” Rex snapped, getting to his feet. “This is like the worst hangover ever. If you hadn’t left a perfectly good pallet of pheelsophine back there, we could… oh yeah, that’s the stuff. Wow. This is amazing, Sasha. I’ve never been so happy in my life. Why don’t we just put the ship on autopilot and—damn it!”

  We continued in this manner for the next half hour or so, flying in and out of the happiness field until I had a general sense for its size and shape. The bad news was that it was far too large for us to safely land outside of it. It covered the entire habitable area of Vericulon Four. If we wanted to get our pheelsophine back, we were going to have to land right in the middle of the field.

  “It appears to be cone-shaped,” I said. “About twenty klicks wide at the base, centered on Vericulon Four City.”