Aye, Robot (A Rex Nihilo Adventure) (Starship Grifters Book 2)

by Robert Kroese

  Rex, Vlaak and I were put in a shuttle and transported to the palace. We were hauled before the Primate in his reception chamber. The Primate, a tiny, gray-skinned, balding little man in a purple robe, sat upon a massive throne at the far end of the room. Six members of the elite Malarchian Guard flanked the throne, three on each side. He opened his mouth to reveal exactly three teeth.

  “Heinouth Vlaak!” lisped the Primate. “What have you done with my fleet?”

  “That’s a great question,” Rex said. “But let me ask you one, Your Limitless Radiancy: are you happy? Because if you’re not happy, you have one person to thank, and that’s Heinous Vlaak.”

  “Who ith thith man?” the Primate growled. “Why did you bring him before me? Ekthplain yourthelf, Vlaak!”

  “Forgive me, Your Primacy,” Heinous Vlaak said, with a deep bow. “The Orion wing has been destroyed. I brought these two along in order to explain—”

  “You dethtroyed an entire wing of my fleet?” the Primate howled. “That’th the thecond time you’ve done that, you thimpering imbethile!”

  “Yes, Your Primacy,” said Vlaak. “But this time there was a good reason.”

  “Your requetht thaid there wath an urgent threat to the thtability of the Malarchy. Where ith thith threat? Where are their thyips? Are they invithible?”

  “No, Your Primacy. You see, the Sp’ossels built a mind control transmitter deep within an asteroid field. By acting quickly, I was able to—”

  “You’re thaying you’ve thaved uth from thome kind of thinithter Thp’othel conthpirathy?”

  Vlaak stared at the Primate. “I’m sorry, Your Primacy. Could you repeat that?”

  “A thinithter Thp’othel conthpirathy! Thith ith what patheth for your defenth?”

  “Mister Primate, sir,” said Rex, “If I may interject a moment, I think you’ll find once you’ve reviewed the evidence in my possession that Vlaak’s actions were fully justified and that he is, in fact, a bona fide hero of the Malarchy, deserving of medals and suchlike.”

  “Who are you?” the Primate demanded.

  “Rex Nihilo, Your Poignant Vibrancy. And can I just say what an honor it is to meet an unquestioned despot such as yourself? The way you subdue the entire galaxy with an iron grip is truly inspirational.”

  “Thyow me thith evidenth or get out.”

  “Of course, Your Tremulous Urgency! Sasha?”

  Fortunately, Rex had briefed me on my role, so I was only mildly terrified.

  “Your Primacy,” I said, giving a curtsy, “As I’m sure you know, robots of my type are congenitally incapable of lying. So when I tell you that what Heinous Vlakk has told you about the Sp’ossels—”

  “Thith ith your evidenth?” the Primate growled. “The tethtimony of thome thilly robot?”

  “No, Your Inimitable Haberdashery,” Rex said. “Sasha, get to it!”

  “Aye, sir,” I said. “Your Primacy, in addition to my personal testimony, I offer you a complete audio and video recording of my memories over the past ten hours. You will clearly see the nature of the Sp’ossel menace explained by none other than Ort Felzich himself.”

  “Prepothterouth! Ort Felthitth ith frothen!”

  “We thawed him, Your Primacy,” I said, pressing on. “You will also witness the ensuing battle, in which Heinous Vlaak bravely risked his life and lost his entire fleet in order to preserve Malarchian rule over the galaxy.”

  “And how do I aktheth thith thuppothed recording?”

  “Simply plug a memory card into my interface port and I’ll download it for you. You can watch the entire thing at your leisure.”

  “You!” the Primate growled, pointing at one of the guards. “Get me one of those memory thingth!”

  The guard bowed and ran out of the room. Several moments passed.

  “Tho,” the Primate said casually, looking at me, “enjoying your thtay?”

  “Yes, your Primacy,” I replied nervously. “I mean, we haven’t seen much of the planet yet. Just the spaceport and your palace. It’s a fine palace, obviously. I don’t mean to—”

  “Thilenth!” the Primate shouted as the guard reentered the room, holding a tiny memory drive in his left gauntlet. The Primate turned to face the man. “Plug that into the robot,” he said.

  A moment of confusion followed, as no one in the room could make heads or tails of the Primate’s order.

  “Did I thtutter?” he snapped. “Thtick it into the robot’th thlot!”

  “Yes, Your Primacy!” the guard exclaimed. “Sorry, Your Primacy!” He ran up to me, holding the memory card in his fingers. “Uh, can I… uh…?”

  “Thtop romanthing her and thtick it in!”

  The guard’s face went red as a ripe tomato. I grabbed the card out of his hands and stuck it into the slot below my chin. I scanned the contents for viruses and then made a copy of the data on it before downloading my recording of the battle to the card. The whole process took less than three seconds. I removed the card and handed it back to the guard. “Was it good for you?” I asked.

  The guard murmured something incomprehensible, bowed slightly and then ran back to the Primate with the card. He handed the card to the Primate, bowed again, and then returned to his post.

  The Primate stuck the card into a slot in his throne, then pointed behind us. Turning, I saw that the entire wall of the chamber had turned into a massive viewscreen. Ort Felzich, some ten meters high, was saying, “But if the Malarchy wants to retain dominion over the galaxy in any meaningful sense, it’s going to have to deal with the Sp’ossels.”

  “I’ll refer the matter to my superiors for further investigation,” said ten-meter-tall Heinous Vlaak. “Meanwhile, the lot of you will be executed for piracy.”

  Rex glared at me. I shrugged. Rex had told me to give them the entire, unadulterated recording. Anyway, the matter was out of my hands. I stood silently as the scene unfolded.

  Ten-meter-tall Heinous Vlaak was saying, “Planet Z is real? You found it?”

  “I did,” said ten-meter-tall Felzich. “And the Sp’ossels found it too.”

  “It was long believed that the zontonium planet was only a legend,” said ten-meter-tall Vlaak. “If Planet Z actually exists, that amount of zontonium is a matter of strategic importance to the Malarchy.”

  The Primate was now nodding in approval. I breathed a sigh of relief. The rest was a formality. We watched as Our Moment of Victory traveled to Planet Z. The Primate witnessed the entire battle, down to our harrowing escape. He seemed satisfied that Vlaak had acted appropriately. And if Vlaak was back in the Primate’s good graces, that meant Rex and I would be allowed to live—as long as Vlaak didn’t double-cross us.

  “Ekthellent work, Vlaak,” said the Primate, when the recording had finished. “It almotht compenthateth for the dethtructhion of my entire fleet.”

  “As you say, Your Primacy,” said Vlaak, clearly relieved to have summary execution off the table.

  “Jutht one matter remainth to be adrethed,” the Primate said. “The ekthecuthion of thethe mitherable pirateth!”

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  For a moment, nobody spoke. We were counting on Heinous Vlaak going to bat for us, and I was beginning to think we’d miscalculated. I thought Rex might speak up, but he—unbelievably—remained silent as well. Finally Vlaak spoke.

  “I gave these pirates immunity for their crimes in exchange for their assistance in the Battle of Planet Z. With the understanding that they will henceforth cease all pirate-related activities, obviously.” He shot a threatening glare at me and Rex. We tried to look suitably rebuked.

  “Pirathy thyall not be tolerated!” the Primate roared.

  “Absolutely not, Your Primacy,” said Vlaak. “I will be keeping a close eye on these two, you can be certain of that.”

  The Primate shrugged. “I tire of thith. I’m mithing naptime. Be gone.” He waved his hand dismissively.

  “Yes, Your Primacy,” said Vlaak. “Thank you, Your Primacy.” He gave
Rex a nudge and the three of us hurried out of the chamber.

  “Thought you were going to sell us out there for a minute,” said Rex, once we were back in the hall.

  “I almost did,” said Vlaak. “Tell me the truth, Nihilo. Do you really have the capability to transmit that video of me across the galaxy?”

  “Absolutely,” Rex said. “If you’d have double-crossed us, everybody from here to Rigelus Nine would hear you whining about being executed for treason. You’d never intimidate anybody in the galaxy again.” This was a lie, of course. I did have the video, but hadn’t had time to download it to the Flagrante Delicto or transmit it anywhere. Fortunately, Vlaak couldn’t be sure of that, and he valued his role as fearsome Malarchian enforcer more than vengeance against Rex and me.

  “If you ever do release it,” Vlaak said, “you’re both dead. I’ll be watching you.”

  “I’m counting on it,” Rex replied. “Which reminds me, I do need one more thing. Well, two things.”

  Miraculously, we made it off Malarchium unscathed. Our next stop was Sargasso Seven to drop off Pepper. We had no way of cutting the massive stone into pieces, and it was dangerous to travel with that much zontonium anyway, so I chopped off a little more for us to use as fuel and then let Boggs carry the stone to Pepper’s office. Unfortunately, until Pepper could get a larger safe built, she had nowhere else to put it.

  “What if somebody breaks in?” Rex said, as we stood around the huge stone.

  “I’ve never had any trouble,” Pepper replied.

  “You’ve never had a hundred million credits’ worth of zontonium in your office either.”

  Rex had a point. I’d seen the way the pirates looked at the stone as Boggs carried it through the bar.

  “I’ll order a bigger safe,” Pepper said. “Money isn’t a problem anymore.”

  “But what will you do until then?” I asked. “You need some way of protecting it.”

  “I’ll protect it,” said Boggs. “If anyone comes near the office, I’ll bonk them on the head.”

  Boggs would make a pretty intimidating security guard. “You have to sleep, though,” I said.

  “I can take naps,” said Boggs. “I’m good at naps.”

  It was true. He was incredibly good at naps.

  “Donny doesn’t have to sleep,” said Donny. “Donny can watch the door when Boggs naps.”

  “There you have it,” said Rex. “Problem solved.”

  “Do you guys really want to stay here?” I asked. “There’s plenty of room on the Flagrante Delicto if you want to come with me and Rex.” As much as I hated to admit it, I’d grown attached to Boggs and Donny.

  “Pepper is a friend,” Boggs said.

  Pepper smiled. “Thank you, Boggs,” she said. “I consider you a friend as well.”

  “Also,” Boggs went on, “I think I am scared of spaceships now.” Donny nodded in agreement.

  “Well, I can’t blame you for that,” I said. We had nearly been killed in an amazing number of ways on a remarkably diverse range of spacecraft.

  “Cowards, the lot of you,” Rex grumbled. “At least I can count on Squawky. Right, old boy?”

  “Scared of spaceships,” said Squawky, and fluttered into the air. He landed on Boggs’s shoulder.

  Boggs grinned. “Steve is a friend,” he said. The bird squawked contentedly.

  “Ugh,” said Rex. “Let’s get out of here, Sasha. All this friendliness and good feelings is making me wish we’d just let the blasted Sp’ossels get away with their sinister plan. Then at least I wouldn’t find this all so irritating.” He turned and stomped out of the office.

  “You could stay too, Sasha,” Pepper said. “There’s plenty of work to do around here. I could use a smart robot like you.”

  I shook my head. “Rex needs me,” I said.

  “Of course he does,” Pepper said. “But what are you getting out of the deal?”

  It was a good question. To be honest, I wasn’t sure my sticking with Rex wasn’t just part of my Sp’ossel programming. There certainly didn’t seem to be any other rational explanation. And yet, I am who I am. What can I say? Abandoning Rex just didn’t feel right.

  “I’m not sure,” I replied. “But there’s only one way to find out. Good to see you again, Pepper. Goodbye, Boggs and Donny. You guys really were a topnotch pirate crew.”

  I turned and walked out the office.

  “Now what, sir?” I asked. We had left Sargasso Seven and were now sitting at the bar of the cargo waystation orbiting Xagnon, the same place Rex had gotten it into his head to hijack the Raina Huebner.

  “Now we wait,” said Rex, sipping at this martini.

  I would have asked what we were waiting for, but I had a feeling I knew. “Do you think it’s wise for us to be hanging out at the same station where we absconded with the Raina Huebner, though?”

  “We’re not pirates anymore, Sasha. The Malarchian Primate himself signed off on our pardon. We’re untouchable. Try to relax.”

  I nodded, still feeling nervous. To be honest, it wasn’t the authorities I was worried about. This part of the galaxy had a strong Sp’ossel presence—and I suspected that was exactly why we were here. The Sp’ossels were going to find us one way or another, and Rex wanted to see them coming.

  We may have destroyed the Sp’ossels’ mind control device, but the Sp’ossels were still a vast and powerful organization. And as far as they were concerned, we were still Sp’ossel property. Somehow I doubted they were going to keep us on as acquisitions agents after we’d foiled their sinister plan, though. We were more trouble than we were worth. Sp’ossels are supposedly averse to killing, but there were things they could do to us that would make death look like a nice vacation in the Ragulian Sector.

  So we waited.

  Amazingly, it took them less than an hour to show up. Rex saw them first: Doctors LaRue and Smulders. The same ones who had tried to wipe our memories at the Collective of the Inverted Ego. They sat down across from us.

  “Rex and Sasha,” said the woman, Dr. LaRue. “Good to see you again.”

  “Great to see you guys,” said Rex. “Sorry about the, uh…” He made what I took to be an explosion gesture.

  “Yes,” said Dr. LaRue, “that was an unfortunate turn of events. One that is going to have unpleasant repercussions for me and my colleague, as we were indirectly responsible.”

  “That’s a shame,” said Rex. “Just awful. I can’t imagine anything worse, except maybe someone manipulating me for my entire life and wiping my memories without my permission.”

  “Ah, so you remember,” Dr. LaRue said.

  “I don’t, no. But Sasha does, and what she tells me dovetails with what I know about Sp’ossels.”

  “Which is what?”

  “You guys are serious wankers. Like, wankers on a cosmic scale.”

  Dr. LaRue smiled coldly. “Our supervisors have ordered us to kill you,” she said. “Well, the exact orders were to ‘terminate the assets.’ It came as a bit of a shock to us, because as you know, Sp’ossels are generally opposed to killing. I suppose they consider you less than human.”

  “Yeah, well, for a couple of subhumans, we sure blowed up your planet good.” He downed the rest of his martini and signaled the waiter for another.

  “We’re not going to do it, though,” Dr. Smulders said. “Dr. LaRue and I discussed the matter. Do you know why we’re not going to do it?”

  “Nope.”

  “Because we want you to suffer, Rex. You too, Sasha. We’re going to torture you for the next hundred years for what you did to us. We have methods of torture, you know, that go far beyond physical pain. We’re experts in mental manipulation. We’ll make you beg for death. By the time we’re done with you, you’ll—”

  “Gaaaahhhh!” Rex exclaimed. “Is this about over? Wow, I get it. You’re going to torture us. Scary stuff. Great. Thanks.”

  “Is that all you have to say?” Dr. LaRue said. “You’re not going to beg for us to le
t you go? Or give you another chance?”

  “Begging’s not my thing,” said Rex. “Tell ‘em, Sasha.”

  “Begging is not his thing,” I said.

  “No, tell them the other thing.”

  “Which thing, sir?”

  “The reason they’re not going to do all that boring stuff he was talking about.”

  “Of course, sir,” I said. “Rex would like me to tell you that we are under the official protection of Heinous Vlaak, the Primate’s chief enforcer. If anything happens to us, you will be hunted down and tortured to death by Vlaak himself, who has been the Interstellar Torture Society’s man of the year for three years running. Granted, the Sp’ossels are now considered enemies of the Malarchy, so I’d suggest going into hiding in any case, but if we disappear, Vlaak will go after you personally. We’ve given him your names.”

  Smulders laughed. “Nice try, robot. Heinous Vlaak doesn’t make deals with two-bit con men.”

  “He did this time,” I said. I turned on my holographic projector, and the image of Heinous Vlaak appeared on the table.

  “Do I start talking now?” the Vlaak projection said. “Yes? Okay. This is Heinous Vlaak. I’m talking to the Sp’ossels, specifically a Doctor Smulders? Is that right? Yes? A Doctor Smulders and a Doctor LaRue. I’ve made a deal with these two-bit con men. Anything happens to them, and you’re finished. I hunt you down like rabbits and then torture you to death.” Vlaak shook his fist dramatically.

  “Ridiculous!” Dr. LaRue snapped. “How could he even know—”

  “If you’re wondering how I’ll know if anything happens to them, the robot has a transponder implanted in her head. It transmits an encrypted message that can be received by any Malarchian communications facility across the galaxy. If she is deactivated, incapacitated, or harmed in any way, the message will not be transmitted. If the message isn’t received for forty-eight hours, she will be assumed to be in Sp’ossel hands, and I will begin to hunt you down, beginning with her last known location. That is all.”