Holding a Tender Heart

by Jerry S. Eicher

  They bowed their heads as he led out, “Now unto You, most gracious heavenly Father, we give thanks. For Your goodness, for Your grace, and for Your Son, Jesus Christ, who came to this earth as a child to die for our sins. Help us today, O Lord. Give us wisdom as we seek Your will. Enlighten our hearts with Your Holy Spirit. Amen.”

  Bishop Beiler glanced around the room, but no one looked at him. The men kept their eyes focused on the floor. They must know he didn’t have gut news to share, he thought. “I was over to Henry’s place yesterday, and it didn’t go that well, I’m afraid. Henry has purchased a new tractor—a brand-shiny-new one.”

  “Surely he had the dealer change the tires?” Minister Kanagy said hopefully.

  “Yah, Henry knows that much,” Minister Graber said and nodded his head.

  Bishop Beiler sighed. “No, he didn’t. Rhonda spotted him working in the fields with the rubber tires still on. He did have them changed when I got there, but he had them hidden under feed bags in his barn.”

  “Now I’ve heard everything!” Deacon Mast exclaimed.

  Minister Graber squeaked, “Has Henry admitted to this?”

  Bishop Beiler nodded. “In so many words, yah.”

  “I would still wish to speak with Henry myself,” Minister Graber said, shifting on his chair.

  “That’s fine with me,” Bishop Beiler told him. “I’m not planning to move too fast on this matter, but we can’t leave it unattended either. If any of the others wish to make a visit over to Henry’s place, by all means do so. Perhaps you can talk sense into his head. In the meantime, I told him I would settle for a knee confession and the tractor returned to the dealer. Henry doesn’t need a nice new one that can use rubber tires with the problem he has.” No one disagreed with him, so that was gut. Now it was just a matter of time, and he could wait. “We will speak more about this in a few weeks then. In the meantime, I hope Henry sees the error of his ways. But he can’t continue like he is—breaking the Ordnung regularly.”

  They all nodded in full agreement. Indeed, this was something the bishop could be thankful for. Either of these ministers or the deacon could make trouble if they took Henry’s part. But they didn’t, and they understood what should be done.

  “Let us move on then with any other issues we may have,” Bishop Beiler directed.

  The rise and fall of their voices continued.

  Twenty-One

  Late that afternoon, Verna and Debbie drove Buttercup toward Cousin Benny Beiler’s place, headed back for the Sunday evening hymn singing. The sound of other horses’ hooves beating the pavement filled the air around them, and the peacefulness of the evening hung in the air. Verna was in a particularly lighthearted mood. This morning she’d caught a glimpse of Joe’s gut heart, and now, for once, she could look forward to both the supper and the hymn singing. It wasn’t like last Sunday when her spirits had failed her so she’d stayed home.

  “He might be there this evening,” Debbie commented, as if reading Verna’s thoughts.

  “He might!” Verna agreed as she allowed hope to rise in her heart again.

  Daett had preached this morning about Noah and the flood. He’d explained how Da Hah had directed Noah to prepare a boat that saved his whole family. She hadn’t paid much attention to her daett’s words as she darted quick glances at Joe. He wouldn’t look back at her, and that had discouraged her. His face appeared so troubled but still strong.

  It was in the last part of Daett’s sermon, when her heart had sunk the lowest, that she had seen things plain as day. Joe regretted their broken relationship just like she did. He wished things hadn’t turned out the way they had, but because of his pain he was afraid to risk seeing her again.

  This was like a light sent from Da Hah straight into her heart. Now she could hope again. Even if she couldn’t do much else, she would stay the course. She would give Joe the attention he needed whenever possible and leave her heart open. Joe would return! Like a flower to the bee, so her love was to him. She’d almost laughed out loud in the middle of the service at this insight but pinched herself to stop just in time.

  Verna had served the unmarried boys’ table afterward filled with the joy of her discovery. She’d hoped Joe would at least open up enough to give her one little smile. Instead, he’d focused all his attention on his food—even when the whole room roared over one of Paul Wagler’s jokes.

  Joe would come around, Verna told herself. She hadn’t imagined the hope that had come to her during Daett’s sermon. Da Hah had sent those thoughts to her. They had come like Noah’s boat so she wouldn’t sink under the waves. She wouldn’t let go of this hope until Joe came around or dashed her heart against the rocks by dating another girl. But Joe would never do that! He couldn’t! He loved her! Verna was certain of that.

  Debbie’s soft touch came on her arm. “You seem troubled, Verna.”

  “Oh nee, I’m happy!” She clucked to Buttercup to keep up the pace.

  Debbie looked at her with skepticism.

  Verna giggled. “I guess my nerves have been a little shot at times. That’s all.”

  Debbie squeezed her arm. “You worry me, Verna. There are doctors who can help, you know. You don’t have to be ashamed of accepting aid.”

  “I’m okay, Debbie.” Verna gathered herself together. “This is almost over. I’m sure of it.”

  “Verna, please…” Debbie clutched her arm.

  Verna shook her head. “Joe will come around soon. That’s what I’m trying to say. I feel it so very strongly.”

  “Woman’s intuition?” Debbie still looked skeptical but less worried now.

  “I guess so. I was thinking about Joe at the service this morning. He has a heart of gold. It’s broken right now, but he’s every bit the treasure I think he is.”

  “Okay…” Debbie settled back in the seat. “But you can talk to me if things get any worse.”

  Verna nodded and pulled into Cousin Benny’s driveway. She drove past the house to park beside the barn. A few boys lingered in the yard and glanced their way.

  “Looks like we might get some help,” Verna said.

  Debbie whispered from the other side of the buggy. “He’s coming from the barn. Don’t look.”

  Verna froze. Had she heard Debbie correctly? There was only one man to whom Debbie would refer in that tone. “What am I supposed to do?” she asked.

  “I don’t know,” Debbie said, “but I’m getting out now. This is your moment, Verna.”

  Debbie climbed down from the buggy and smiled her brightest. “Hi, Joe.”

  He returned the greeting and slowed his pace as he approached the buggy.

  Debbie gave a little wave to Verna and made a dash for the house.

  Verna tried to calm her heart as she caught the first glimpse of Joe as he came around the side of the buggy. She waited, unable to move as first Joe’s hands appeared on the buggy door, followed by his upturned face.

  “Gut evening,” he said.

  Verna forced a nervous smile. “Gut evening. How are you?”

  “I’m fine, I suppose,” he said. He paused before starting up again. “Verna, I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting.” He glanced at the ground, momentarily tongue-tied. His hat was shielding his face.

  Verna wanted to reach out and hug him, to do anything but sit here and not move, but she didn’t dare. She saw his heart again like she had this morning. Joe needed to reconcile with her at his own speed.

  “Can you forgive me?”

  His hat brim came up and she saw his sorrowful eyes. “Joe, of course I forgive you. I forgave you a long time ago.”

  He wasn’t finished. “I mean for not coming back right away. For taking so long to get this…this thing settled inside me.”

  She reached out to touch his arm. “Joe, you know you’re forgiven. I’ve forgiven you with all my heart.”

  “You have?” The first hint of joy crossed his face.

  She drew back her hand. He must not think her forward. “I�
��ve been missing you a lot,” she offered. “Wishing I could have made things plainer…that night…you know.”

  He hung his head again. “It was all my fault, Verna. I know that, and I knew it then. But I couldn’t say the words. I guess it was easier with the hurt to just leave. But running away isn’t what I want. It’s not…right.”

  “Oh, Joe!” She pleaded with her eyes as she said, “You don’t have to run from me or from what happens. I trust you. I really do.”

  A shadow crossed his face. “I can see that, Verna. And I’m sorry for not seeing it sooner.”

  “Sometimes a wound takes a while to heal, Joe.”

  A surprised look sprang to his face. “Do you know about…her…about Rosy? About us?”

  “Nee, Joe,” she said quickly. “I don’t. I was just saying in general.”

  How was she supposed to describe her insight from this morning? And how could she tell him he had a heart of gold? That wouldn’t be appropriate. They had, after all, only seen each other a few times. Even with that, it seemed like she’d known his heart all her life.

  He seemed to accept her explanation. “May I see you home tonight then? Or is that too soon? I can wait. And I will understand.”

  She took her time to answer even though the words wanted to burst out in a great rush. Of course I’ll go home with you! I would have agreed to that weeks ago! “Debbie and Ida can take this buggy home,” she said. “Or Lois since they’re both coming with Emery.”

  “Then it’s decided.” A soft smile filled his face.

  He looked happier than he had in weeks. Oh, how many precious moments had been wasted already? “Maybe we’d better get this horse unhitched,” she ventured.

  He moved with care and took his time removing the tugs on his side while Verna climbed down and worked on the other side. She wondered if Joe was as delirious with joy as she was. She had to move slowly so she wouldn’t shriek out loud.

  Joe left with Buttercup and headed toward the barn. Verna waited for him.

  Debbie was chatting with two men in the yard and glanced her way. Verna gave her a little wave so Debbie would know everything had turned out well. She seemed to understand. Verna watched as her friend turned toward the house with the two men in tow—one of whom was Paul Wagler.

  Verna felt as if a great weight had fallen from her shoulders. Her heart could beat again unhindered. This situation with Joe must never happen again. If they ever had another falling out, she feared she might never recover. She pushed the dark thought away as Joe came out of the barn. It wasn’t time yet to think of marriage, but rather of the time to heal. They had both been through difficult moments. She must remember that. Tenderness was in order…and lots of time spent together.

  “Shall we go inside?” Joe asked from a few feet away.

  She laughed. “I’m sorry! Was I in a daze?”

  He nodded. “You looked like it anyway.”

  “I’m happy, that’s all. I’m so happy, Joe.”

  “And so am I, Verna,” he said and took her hand for a moment.

  “Supper’s about ready, I think. We’d better go inside.”

  Joe didn’t move. His face looked troubled again. “I need to tell you something else, Verna.” He paused for a long moment. “It’s…it’s one of the reasons I didn’t come back these last few weeks. I’d best say it now since I’m afraid you’ll find out eventually. I want you to hear it from me.”

  “Yah?” She waited nervously. Had the next shock of their relationship arrived already? Well, she would cling to what she’d realized this morning at the service. Nothing would shake her conviction that Joe was her man.

  “I used to date an Englisha girl—back in my rumspringa time, Verna. For over a year. That’s why Rosy broke off our relationship. She found out.”

  “For that she left you?” Astonishment was written on her face. “But, Joe, what does that matter now?”

  He shrugged. “I only know it did for Rosy.”

  “Did you tell her?”

  He hung his head. “Nee, someone else did.”

  “So why are you telling me?”

  “It’s better that way, Verna. If you know now, you can decide.”

  Torment filled his face. He really did expect her to send him away. The poor man. Verna stepped closer. “Joe, I don’t care about the Englisha girl. We all do things we shouldn’t.”

  He appeared puzzled. “You perhaps dated an Englisha fellow in your rumspringa?”

  Verna laughed. “Nee, Joe. But it doesn’t matter to me that you dated an Englisha. You didn’t marry her or something, did you?”

  He shook his head and added, “There was nothing like that, Verna.”

  “Then we’re okay!” she chirped.

  Relief spread across his face. The wound Rosy had given Joe must indeed have cut deep. Much, much deeper than she could comprehend. Well, it was nothing that her love, along with Da Hah’s help, couldn’t heal.

  “Come, Joe!” She pulled on his hand. “It really is supper time. And I’m afraid I have no pies awaiting us at home, so you’d best eat your fill.”

  He appeared pleased. “Seeing you will be plenty satisfying, Verna. And I really mean that.”

  “That’s nice of you to say.” She let go of his hand and walked toward the house.

  Joe hurried to catch up.

  Twenty-Two

  On Monday morning, a week later, Verna hummed a tune as she washed the dishes. Everything looked so much brighter now. The early July sunlight poured in through the kitchen window, and the field near the barn was filled with mown hay. Her outlook on life had greatly improved because Joe’s heart and hers had mended with the time they’d spent together recently. It had been two Sunday nights now that they’d enjoyed each other’s company after the hymn singing. Deep in conversation with each other while sitting on the couch, Verna couldn’t stop looking into his strong, handsome face. She was sure no one had ever felt as happy as she did when she was with him.

  She jerked her head around as quick steps sounded on the stairs behind her. Debbie rushed into the kitchen, obviously on her way to work at that Englisha place in Lewistown.

  “Having a good morning, are we?” Debbie asked.

  “I am!” Verna said, practically glowing. She couldn’t help but have a gut day unless Da Hah decided to break her heart again. And He hardly seemed about to do that this morning.

  “I’m so happy for you!” Debbie gave Verna a quick hug. “I do confess I kept holding my breath the past two Sunday nights, expecting another breakup between the two of you.”

  “It won’t happen,” Verna said with a grin. “We’re getting along just fine.”

  “That’s certainly what it looks like,” Debbie allowed. “I was determined to awaken when you came upstairs last night. I thought I’d come over and wish you congratulations for your continued success. But I must have slept soundly.”

  “That’s so sweet, Debbie,” Verna said. “But I don’t want anyone waking up for me. Not once it’s past midnight.”

  “Well, it’s so great that you had a good time,” Debbie said as she dashed out the washroom door.

  Verna looked out the kitchen window and watched her friend leave. Not until Debbie was in her car and had driven out the lane did the thought cross Verna’s mind. Debbie was in her Amish dress. She’d worn Lois’s Sunday dresses for the weekends, but she’d always worn her own Englisha clothing during the week. Had that changed now with Debbie’s steady journey toward the Amish way of life? That was another great happiness to add to her joy this morning. What a blessing Debbie was to their family, and now Debbie dared show her intentions to the Englisha world! Would her boss be happy about that? Yah, apparently. Things must be okay at work if Debbie had enough nerve to wear Amish dresses that were unstylishly long.

  Debbie didn’t speak a lot about her job. Here at home her focus was on learning the Amish lifestyle. Lois gave her cooking lessons at least once every week, and sewing lessons were on the list somewhere.
How Debbie managed all that plus a regular Englisha job was hard to imagine. Maybe that’s why she was always rushing around, especially in the morning. She was a brave and determined girl, and Verna admired her a lot. It took great courage to change one’s lifestyle the way Debbie planned to. And Daett liked and approved of Debbie too. That was its own miracle all by itself.

  Verna glanced toward the basement stairs as footsteps sounded. Ida appeared with an empty hamper basket. Her cheeks were rosy from her outside work. She’d hung another load of clothing on the wash line. Verna had been out in the barn earlier with Ida while Lois made breakfast. Lois was in the sewing room now, busy with a dress pattern.

  Verna glanced at Ida. “Do you need help? I’m almost done here.”

  “Nee, all I have is a load from Emery’s room.” Ida muttered, “Boys—what a mess they make! More dirty clothing from one boy than ten girls.”

  Verna smiled. Emery was a little spoiled, but then Ida did exaggerate.

  “I’m getting a clean man—once the time comes,” Ida said as she plopped down on a kitchen chair.

  Verna hid her look of astonishment. Ida never sat down for a minute in the middle of her wash day. At least not until every last piece was on the line, so she must have something serious on her mind. Verna turned toward her. “Did something happen I don’t know about? Were you asked home from the hymn singing for next Sunday night?”

  Ida laughed. “Nee, of course not. But that doesn’t keep one from thinking, especially since you and Joe patched things up. Do you think Daett would allow me to say yah if someone did ask?”

  “Certainly, Ida. I’m sure he would.” Verna made her voice sound cheerful. She wanted to hide her lack of confidence lest Ida notice and her hopes end up dashed before they ever took flight. The truth was, what their daett would say was far from certain. And after the trouble she’d had with Joe, Daett might be more wary than ever. The thought cast a dark shadow across her heart. Things with Joe must continue to go well. Especially if Ida had hopes some boy would bring her home soon.