Holding a Tender Heart

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “But you’re not even promised to him, Verna!” Mamm exclaimed. “Are you?”

  “Nee, I’m not,” Verna admitted. “And yet I love him.”

  “I see it’s useless talking with her,” Reuben said. “I had hoped for better things.”

  “So had I,” Wayne added.

  “We all hoped for better things,” Daett said. “But this matter is out of our hands anyway. The ministry has decided this morning that Joe’s membership will be placed on probation until this matter is settled. And Verna is being strongly encouraged to stay away from him until his situation is resolved. All of us, especially the two ministers and Deacon Mast, hope she will take the counsel given to her.”

  Verna felt the blood rush from her face. She gripped the side of the chair as a cry leaped from her lips. “Nee! You cannot do this! Joe is innocent!”

  Daett’s voice was firm. “Then time will prove it to be so, Verna. And no harm will be done. Joe understands, I’m sure. In fact, if I have to remind you, Joe agreed with me that your relationship with him was over. You shouldn’t be the one to pursue the matter. Accept our counsel this afternoon and let this thing lie.”

  “I can’t,” Verna whispered, her whole body now cold. She couldn’t even feel her hands that were clinging to the side of the chair.

  “Then this is a sad day in the life of this family.” Daett was extremely serious. “I had hoped you would listen to your elders, Verna. You’re a young woman, and like Eve in the garden, subject to error. Please reconsider.”

  Verna met everyone’s gaze as she looked around the room, but her hands shook. “And if I do and Joe is later found innocent, how will that look to him? And not only him, but to me as well. I would have to live the rest of my life with the knowledge that I didn’t stand by Joe in his darkest hour. Nee, I-I won’t…do that to Joe or myself.”

  Reuben looked ready to say something, but he didn’t.

  Mamm was crying, as was Ida.

  Verna’s heart hurt to see them weeping on her account, but what else could she do? She couldn’t leave Joe to walk this road alone.

  “Then I hope Joe will soon be proven innocent,” Daett finally said. “You have either great courage, Verna, or you’re very stubborn. I’m not sure which at the moment. But know that if Joe is found guilty, you will be held accountable for not following the ministry’s counsel.”

  “Stubborn, that’s what she is!” Reuben accused.

  You don’t know anything about me! Verna wanted to fire back. But she pressed her lips together and held the words inside instead.

  Mamm had risen to her feet and walked over to give Verna a hug.

  Verna wrapped her arms around her mamm’s shoulders and allowed her own tears to flow freely. Great sobs came from the depth of her being. She mustn’t be totally rejected by the family if Mamm still hugged her. Perhaps deep down they admired her loyalty. It was the Amish way, was it not? One stood by her husband…except she was doing so before Joe and she married.

  If she were proven wrong, there would be horrible repercussions. But she would welcome the pains, Verna decided. The community would welcome her back into the fold after she humbled herself. That option was better than if she were wrong about Joe. And if Joe really was guilty, she wouldn’t care what the community did to her.

  “Okay, can we dry our tears now?” Mamm felt her way back to her rocker. “What’s done is done, and I don’t think anyone is undoing it. So let’s not mourn over spilled milk. The family is together tonight like it hasn’t been in a long time. My heart is glad even with this sorrow. Open the front door, Ida, and let the children come in. They’ve been peeking in the window for the past half hour.”

  The mood soon lightened as Ida followed Mamm’s direction and all four of Wayne’s children and Reuben’s two raced in. Mamm took the smallest ones on her lap. She cooed in their ears. The oldest ones looked around a few times, clearly curious about what had gone on. There was nothing for the children to see except the red, tear-stained faces of the women and the stern faces of the men.

  Soon the two eldest children dashed outside again.

  Lois went over and tapped Verna on the shoulder. “What was decided?” she whispered. “I have to know.”

  Verna got up and led Lois into the kitchen. Debbie felt a bit uncomfortable being present with such intimate family troubles being discussed. She excused herself to go upstairs.

  “You don’t really want to know,” Verna told Lois when they were alone in the kitchen. “Everyone thinks I should cut off my relationship with Joe.”

  Lois huffed. “I already knew that. What happens if you don’t?”

  Verna looked down. “Honestly, I don’t know. Daett said the ministers and Deacon Mast had discussed it. If I don’t heed their counsel and Joe is found guilty, I must undergo church discipline.”

  Lois appeared indignant. “What if they’re wrong about Joe?”

  Verna winced. “You know how it works. The ministry will be given credit for being vigilant, which I guess is understandable. If they supported Joe and were wrong, that’s what would set tongues wagging.”

  Lois’s face was all sympathetic. “I hope you’re not in for a big disappointment.”

  Verna frowned. “You don’t believe Joe’s innocent either?”

  Lois raised her hands in the air as she said, “I don’t know, Verna! Don’t attack me. I’m just saying how it looks.”

  “I’m sorry,” Verna murmured. “You’re right. And I know how it looks.”

  Lois wrapped Verna in a tight hug. “You’re so brave. I hope I find such a worthy love someday.”

  “Thank you!” Verna whispered.

  Lois held her at arm’s length. “Is he really worth this much?”

  Verna nodded. “Every last bit of it. Joe has a heart of gold.”

  Twenty-Nine

  That evening after supper Verna waited as Wayne held the buggy shafts and Reuben came out of the barn with Daett’s driving horse, Milo. Her brothers knew where she planned to go—to see Joe. This was something they wholeheartedly disagreed with, yet they’d had their say earlier and were now showing nothing but love toward their sister.

  Verna stepped forward to fasten the tugs when Reuben arrived and maneuvered Milo between the buggy shafts. He shooed her away and pointed toward the buggy. “Climb in. We’ll get the buggy ready.” She did as she was told, and the two men quickly had Milo and the buggy ready to go.

  “You’re sure you want to do this?” Wayne asked as he threw Verna the lines.

  He already knew the answer, so Verna just looked away.

  “Get up!” she called to Milo. She glanced back to see her brothers gazing after her with sorrowful looks. At the last minute, Mamm stepped out on the front porch to give her a little wave. Verna clutched the lines. She was a grown woman now with duties beyond childhood loyalties. In her heart she was Joe’s frau.

  Verna guided Milo north at the end of the lane and drove along the empty roads. Her thoughts turned to her younger siblings. They should be at the hymn singing by now. Ida had left with Debbie some time ago with Buttercup hitched to the buggy. Lois had ridden with Emery. Verna had waited until all the young folks from the district were at the evening’s activities before she ventured out. The last thing she needed were curious glances as she passed buggies heading in another direction. It wouldn’t take many guesses for people to figure out where Bishop Beiler’s eldest daughter was bound.

  The shame she caused her daett bothered her the most. He’d sat on his rocker with his popcorn bowl filled before she left. He’d tried to act cheerful, but all the while his face had been shadowed with sorrow. Verna wiped her eyes on her dress sleeve. This was taking a toll on all of them, and she had her share in the blame.

  “Please forgive me, dear Hah, if I am wrong,” Verna whispered toward the heavens. There was silence broken only by the steady beat of Milo’s hooves. How kind of daett to allow her the use of his favorite driving horse. He could easily have forbidden it, an
d she would have had to use one of the smaller workhorses because Ida was driving Buttercup tonight.

  Deep sorrow filled her heart as she watched the hayfields go past the buggy door. She was the eldest girl in the family, and yet here she was the one who broke Daett’s and Mamm’s hearts first, when all along everyone thought that task would fall to Lois and her love for the Englisha world. Minutes later Verna approached the Weaver farmstead. It looked deserted. A few of the Weavers’ cows gazed over the barnyard fence at her. The draft horses paused in the pasture to lift their heads as she drove in. Several of them trotted closer to the fence along the road.

  Had everyone left for the evening? But Joe wouldn’t be out somewhere…and certainly not to the hymn singing. Verna pulled to a stop by the hitching post and climbed out to secure Milo. She took quick steps toward the front porch. There she gave the front door a sharp rap. When there was no response, she knocked again. Perhaps she’d been wrong. Maybe Joe had gone to the hymn singing. But how could that be?

  Verna returned to the buggy but hesitated before she untied Milo. She ought to check the barn yet. Joe was somewhere. Maybe he was working late on his chores and hadn’t heard her drive in.

  Verna was halfway to the barn when the door opened and Joe appeared. Happiness spread over his face when he caught sight of her. “Verna, you have come?” He hurried toward her, and she held out her arms to him. But he stopped a few feet away, and his face clouded over. “You shouldn’t be here, Verna. You’re only hurting yourself and your family. Didn’t your daett tell you this afternoon? My membership has been placed on probation.”

  “Yah, he told me.” Verna frowned. “Please, Joe, let’s not argue. I have my own choices to make. I believe my heart more than what some people believe using their ears and eyes. Will you hold that against me?”

  “But you can’t do this.”

  “Joe.” Verna reached out to take his hand. “Joe, aren’t you glad to see me?”

  “What can I say?” he said softly. “You know I am. I guess I have to gather my wits about me.”

  Verna pulled on his hand. “Perhaps you could gather them better sitting somewhere. Maybe in the house?”

  “Nee.” He stopped her. “I still have chores to finish in the barn. Would you help me? We can talk then.”

  “Yah.” Her face brightened. “You know I will, but I’m afraid we’ll only talk about one thing, and it won’t do much gut.”

  “I suppose so.” He held open the barn door. “One’s mind doesn’t stray far from trouble, it seems.”

  “Then we must make it stray elsewhere.” She grasped both of his hands. “Let’s see only the future tonight. Let’s see only what lies beyond this trouble. Is that not what faith does? Believing that Da Hah sees us even in our difficulty and has planned a way of escape? Was that not the attitude of the great prophet Daniel when the king threw him to the lions?”

  A smile played on Joe’s face. “I’m afraid I’m not Daniel, Verna. And we don’t quite face the lions. Unless you want to call the Englisha law a lion. But they are only doing their duty.”

  Verna sobered. “There are lions everywhere, Joe. I don’t know where exactly or who they are, but they wish to tear our lives apart. If you go to jail it may not be to the lions’ den, but it will be the lions’ den for our hearts.”

  Alarm flickered across Joe’s face. “That’s exactly why you shouldn’t be here, Verna. You can still save yourself. Go back to your daett and tell him you’re sorry, that you made a mistake. That you’ll wait until my situation is resolved and then decide what you want to do. That would be so much better for you, Verna.”

  “And for you?” Her eyes searched his face. “Would that be the best for you?”

  He avoided her gaze. “I don’t think of myself, Verna, but of you.”

  “That’s why I know you have a golden heart, Joe.” She touched his face. “Let’s say no more about going back. I will stand with you even if you go to jail. If that happens, we’ll make things right with the church when you come out.”

  Horror crossed his face. “But, Verna, if I’m found guilty that could be twenty years or more of jail time. You and I would be old by then. I can’t ask this of you. Your time for bearing children would be gone.”

  A wry look flickered on her face. “Yah, Joe. Did I not say there are lions? That’s why you must not be found guilty.”

  He tried to keep the despair off his face. “I didn’t do these actions I’m accused of, Verna. All I can do is depend on that truth.”

  She winced. “That doesn’t mean you won’t be found guilty, Joe. I don’t know much about Englisha law, but I imagine innocent people are often put in jail. It’s a matter of what they can prove or not prove.”

  He groaned and sank down on a hay bale. “Then I’m finished. They have the witness’s word and my fingerprints on the stolen items. I was seeing her during that time.” He buried his face in his hands.

  She pulled on his arm, her voice insistent. “Tell me this, Joe—and don’t even think of lying! Have you been with her? In that way?”

  His head jerked up, his eyes wide. “I would not have done such a thing, Verna!”

  Relief flooded her face. “Then she can be driven back. I know it, Joe. Da Hah will help us.”

  “But how, Verna?”

  She sat on the hay bale beside him. “I don’t know, but I’ll talk to Debbie. She knows about such things. I think Da Hah may have sent Debbie to us partly for this hour of our trouble. We need someone who understands the Englisha ways, Joe. They are so different from us.”

  “Yah,” he allowed, “they are.” Silence fell, filled only by the soft rustlings of the barn settling around them. Moments later Joe leaped up from the bale of hay. “I’m forgetting my chores.”

  Verna managed a strangled laugh.

  Joe grinned. “You can tag along. I only have to feed the calves.”

  Verna stayed close to him while he measured the feed. After the bucket was ready he dropped it within reach of the hungry animals.

  “Have they been weaned long?” she asked.

  “Only a few weeks. They’re spring calves.”

  “Will you be keeping all of them?”

  He shrugged. “The heifers, I think. Daett is expanding his herd next year. And these are quality stock.”

  “I wouldn’t expect anything else from the Weaver farm,” she teased.

  His spirits seemed lifted by the time they were done. Joe led the way back to the front of the barn and lit a lantern.

  Verna sat on a bale of hay and waited as Joe hung the lantern from the barn ceiling. Lazy flies soon buzzed around, and a moth banged into the bright glass and tumbled to the barn floor.

  Verna watched it flutter downward and a horrible thought filled her mind. Surely she wasn’t a moth drawn to Joe’s flame of love, only to have her heart burned and destroyed? This wasn’t a sign from Da Hah, she told herself. Joe was not a flame, and she was not a moth. They were in love, and Da Hah would honor their love. She had to believe that or she would lose her mind. Verna glanced over at Joe’s face as he sat beside her.

  “Hold me, Joe, please,” she whispered. “I’m scared.”

  He looked startled but slowly pulled her into his embrace. His arms were strong. He smelled of clean grain and fresh hay.

  Verna turned and buried her head against his chest, willing the fear to leave. Here she was safe and would always be safe. Because Joe loved Da Hah and His ways as she did. And Da Hah would not fail them.

  “Verna?” His voice sounded far away.

  “Yah?” She looked up, still nestled against him.

  “I know I have no right to ask this of you…being in the state I am. I was going to wait until everything is clear, but my heart is moved tonight by your love and by my desire for you. Will you be my frau, Verna? When this is over?”

  She jerked upright, her heart suddenly pounding at the words she longed to hear. “Oh, Joe! You know my answer to that!”

  His arms wrapp
ed around her again.

  She clung to him.

  “Verna…” His calloused hands found her face.

  She closed her eyes as he came closer. She held her breath as he kissed her, and she drank in the sweetness of it, her face burning brighter than the lantern flame. But she still met his gaze above his clean-shaven face when he moved back. Their world would be made right. It couldn’t be otherwise with the love rising inside her. She would never find another man more wunderbah than Joe. There would never be a more memorable night than this—despite their troubles.

  He leaned in close again, and moments later, Verna pulled away. She had better go home now. It wasn’t gut that they were alone too long with no one in the house. They didn’t need more whispers in the community about things that were not true.

  Verna stood up with Joe’s hands still in hers. “I had best be going, Joe. But I will see you again soon.”

  He rose to his feet. “Yah, I suppose you should. I will pray that Da Hah soon brings this awful time to an end.”

  Verna wrapped her arms around his neck, and he pulled her close for another long kiss. Then she slowly pulled back. If she didn’t leave soon, she would float home. In a daze, she followed Joe outside and accepted his hand as he helped her into the buggy. He undid the tie rope and put it under the buggy seat.

  “Stay on the road,” he said with a twinkle in his eye.

  “You are a very naughty boy,” she said. She clucked and Milo took off at a good clip. Joe had seen enough of her flaming face for one evening, Verna figured. She had touched his heart with her love, and Joe had asked her to be his frau! Verna hugged herself as she drove Milo out of the Weavers’ driveway. This she would tell no one until they could see what she could see—that Joe was a very gut man.

  Thirty

  Mid August had set in when Debbie drove her car west toward Lewistown. On this Friday morning it was only a little past seven o’clock. The slight haze that hung along the horizon still hadn’t melted away even with the full blaze of the rising sun. How like the troubled clouds that hung over the Beiler household. Debbie was thankful Ms. Hatcher, Joe’s public defender, had consented to see her.