Holding a Tender Heart

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “But, please!” Verna stood to face him. She caught a glimpse of Barbara’s pale face out of the corner of her eye.

  “There is no please in this matter, Verna.” Minister Kanagy stared at her. “The time for please is long past. That’s what Joe should have been saying when the temptation to sin came to him. Begging Da Hah for mercy. And that’s what he should be doing now. Begging for forgiveness from the whole church. Saying he’s sorry this thing has even happened. Nee, Verna, it cannot be. It’s best that you and Joe stay apart. It’s the least we can ask for with how things are going.”

  Verna found the edge of the couch with one hand and sat down again.

  Minister Kanagy continued to pace the floor.

  “Can I get you something now?” Barbara offered in a whisper.

  Verna shook her head. Instead she stood back up and groped her way to the door. Barbara jumped up to support her arm and stayed with her until they reached the front lawn. There, Verna found her own way to where Debbie waited with the buggy by the hitching post.

  “Pretty bad?” Debbie asked when Verna climbed in.

  “Yah, really bad,” Verna whispered. “Go! Drive home!”

  Debbie didn’t say anything as she swung the buggy around in the driveway as if she’d done it many times before. So Verna had only made things worse. She slipped her arm around her friend’s shoulder and pulled her close as the tears came.

  Thirty-Eight

  Friday night of that same week, Bishop Beiler stood on the front-porch steps with Mamm beside him. Verna stood behind him at the front door, tears streaming down her cheeks. “Please don’t go, Daett,” Verna begged. “I know what’s going to happen, and my heart can’t take it anymore.”

  Bishop Beiler turned to her. “You know I love you. And you know my heart is also breaking, but there is nothing I can do.”

  “But you’re the bishop!” Verna’s eyes pleaded with him. “Don’t go to this meeting Minister Kanagy has called.”

  Bishop Beiler hung his head. “That’s the first time in your life you’ve ever said something like that, Verna. I can’t say I blame you, but it shows how low we’ve all fallen. What with this wild trip of yours to Minister Kanagy on Monday night, everything has changed. I told you that you could go. I shouldn’t have, so I’m partly to blame. But that’s the problem, see. We’ve both let this matter cloud our judgment. Family must not hinder the work of the church. In this case it has, and it sorrows me. That’s also partly why I will have to go along with whatever Minister Kanagy counsels tonight. I am at the end of what I can do to protect you, Verna.”

  “No, you can’t go!” Verna wailed. “It’s not right!”

  “That will be up to what the others say, Verna.” Daett took her hand in his. “They are also the ministers of Da Hah and hear His voice. I’m afraid we must listen to their counsel. I can disagree, and so can you, but in the end peace can only be arrived at by submission to Da Hah’s will.”

  Verna threw her hands over her face.

  “Verna, dear!” Daett wrapped his arms around her shoulders. “Remember, I will always be your daett, and you will always be my daughter. That may not be much comfort right now, but it means more than you may think.”

  “But I want Joe as my husband!” Verna choked out.

  “We will pray about that later,” Mamm spoke up. She led Verna inside to seat her on the couch. “You have to control yourself now. This has gone on long enough. Soon you will be opposing the ministry outright, and where will that lead you?”

  “But it’s all so wrong,” Verna sobbed. “It’s so very wrong. They should be helping Joe instead of punishing him.”

  “You will speak no more like this.” Mamm’s voice was stern. “We don’t know what Minister Kanagy’s counsel will be. And calling a man to repent of his sins and bear the harvest he has birthed is for the betterment of his soul. You know that, Verna. You’re forgetting it only because someone you love is suffering.”

  “I will stay with her,” Ida said as she slipped out of the kitchen to sit beside Verna on the couch. “You need to go, Mamm. Daett is waiting. Being late for the meeting isn’t going to help anything.”

  Mamm stood up. She wrung her hands before leaving to join her husband on the front porch. When she arrived, Daett sighed and led the way to the barn. There the two harnessed Milo in silence. Mamm climbed into the buggy and held the lines while the bishop pulled himself into the buggy.

  “I’m going to die an early death if this keeps up,” Daett muttered.

  “You must not tempt Da Hah.” Mamm handed him the reins. “His ways are past ours and difficult at times to understand. Have you not said this yourself so many times in your sermons? Is the fact that your daughter is suffering reason to abandon sound wisdom?”

  “You’re right,” Bishop Beiler admitted. He settled back into the buggy seat.

  Mamm stared off into the distance. “And you know you won’t be winning any argument with Minister Kanagy tonight. This thing has caused quite a stink in the community.”

  “I feel like I’m losing my mind.” The bishop slapped the reins gently against Milo’s back. “I allowed Verna to call on Minister Kanagy. I should have known better.”

  “What’s done is done, Adam.” Mamm slipped her hand under his arm. “Da Hah will use this for His own gut. You know He always does.”

  “And to remind us that we’re human.” Bishop Beiler’s eyes sought the horizon where the sun was setting in a blaze of red and gold. “And to never let us forget that He alone is God. And that man will die someday—return to the dust from which he came.”

  “Don’t speak of such things tonight,” Saloma whispered. She pulled close to him. “Is it not enough that we still have each other? And we will still have all of our children, even when this is over? Other girls’ hearts have been broken before, and Verna’s will heal. She will learn much by accepting Da Hah’s will…whatever that is.”

  “You are a blessed woman, Saloma. You comfort my heart more than you know.”

  Saloma smiled up at him as he turned in at Minister Kanagy’s driveway. “Remember, I love you, Adam. And speak your mind tonight but do not act foolishly.”

  Bishop Beiler pulled to a stop at the hitching post and gave his frau a warm look as he climbed down to secure Milo. “You will pray for me, perhaps?”

  “You know I always do, Adam.” Mamm climbed out of the buggy and waited for him until he returned from putting Milo in the barn. They walked together toward the house.

  Minister Kanagy opened the door for them, his face serious. “Gut evening.” He motioned for them to enter.

  “Gut evening,” Bishop Beiler replied. Mamm echoed his words.

  “The others are already here,” Minister Kanagy said as he led the way to the living room.

  The others didn’t have weeping daughters to attend to, Bishop Beiler told himself, so they could get there on time. He kept silent and took his seat on the couch. Mamm disappeared in the direction of the kitchen from where women’s voices could be heard.

  “We might as well begin,” Minister Kanagy said. “It sorrows me to take such measures as to call this meeting, and I did so only because the matter weighs so heavy on my heart. And because the bishop’s family is so closely involved.”

  “I assume this is about Joe and Verna,” Minister Graber interrupted. “Has some new thing come up which makes this meeting necessary?”

  “Yah, you could say so.” Minister Kanagy gave a nervous laugh. “More shame for the community, I’m thinking. Verna came by the other day—I understand with Bishop Beiler’s blessing—to see if she could talk me into allowing her to have contact with Joe again.”

  “Is this true, Bishop?” The question came from Deacon Mast.

  Bishop Beiler winced. “Verna did beg me to reconsider my opinion, and I told her I wouldn’t. She then wanted to speak with Minister Kanagy on the matter, and I did not forbid or encourage her.”

  “But is this not a little strange?” Minister
Graber offered.

  “This whole thing is more than a little strange,” Minister Kanagy said. “I say this situation with Joe Weaver has caused enough shame and reproach to each of us, as well as the community. Verna’s visit just pushed me over the edge. That’s why I have called this meeting. It’s time that Joe is asked to face the consequences of his actions. It is time he’s required to face the things he did while living in sin. It is also time he cease this attempt at defending himself. That’s just a sneaky way around not admitting his sin. And do you understand what will happen when Joe has Paul Wagler testify on his behalf? The shame we have known now will be like a child when he spills a glass of milk. At the trial, Da Hah’s name and those of our people will be disgraced beyond our imagination. And all of it will be placed in the public record, where generations of Englisha can read them.”

  Deacon Mast coughed. “I’d better say something right here. I don’t know what it means yet, but something else has come up.”

  “Another shameful thing?” Minister Kanagy stared at him in horror.

  “Perhaps, but I’m not sure.” Deacon Mast cleared his throat. “Joe’s daett came over this afternoon with the news that Joe’s lawyer told him a new witness has been found. A witness for the other side. And Lloyd wanted prayer for the situation. It seems the owner of the place where Paul claims he and Joe were at on the nights of the robberies—this Slick’s Bar and Grill—will now testify that Joe and Paul left early on all of those nights. The implication is that Paul himself may be involved in this thing.”

  “Da Hah have mercy on all of us!” Minister Graber squeaked. “This cannot be gut news for anyone. Does Joe deny this?”

  “Of course,” Deacon Mast said. “Lloyd claims none of this is true.”

  “So why haven’t you told me this before?” Bishop Beiler leaned forward. “Perhaps we wouldn’t have needed this meeting. I doubt if Joe will want Paul to testify now.”

  Deacon Mast shrugged. “I didn’t know what the meeting was about. And I didn’t have time to finish my chores, make the trip over to your place, and still be here on time. Anyway, what’s the great urgency? None of us can do anything about this other than pray.”

  Minister Kanagy’s face hardened. “This is yet more reason to have this meeting. Did Joe say he was stopping this defense now that there is a new witness against him?”

  Deacon Mast shifted on his seat. “I understand the lawyer still wishes to continue. She thinks Paul’s testimony may carry more weight since Paul is Amish. His testimony is all they have, I understand.”

  “So now we will have an Amish church member testifying up there, telling the whole world about the sins of his youth.” Minister Kanagy’s voice had risen until it filled the living room. “And then we will have an Englisha man going up and calling the two Amish church members liars. Are any of you having a problem with this? And all of this so that one of our church members can draw himself back from suffering for the wild seeds of sin he has sown? How is this being tolerated? Does our bishop have nothing to say?”

  They all stared at Bishop Beiler. Silence filled the room. What was he to say? This had clearly turned into an awful situation. All the words he had prepared in Joe and Verna’s defense had vanished.

  “Do you have something to add to what Minister Kanagy has said?” Minister Graber asked.

  “I…well…I…” Bishop Beiler forced the words out. “I admit this news does not sound gut, but I must also think of my daughter’s happiness. She’s deeply in love with Joe, and if Joe really hasn’t done these robberies, he shouldn’t have to suffer for them.”

  Minister Kanagy sounded incredulous. “You would wish to bring this shame on the community for one person’s chance at happiness? How can you say this thing? How can we as ministers lead our people if the individual does not sacrifice his or her well-being for others? And this is so much more than that. Joe has done evil, and he must be called upon to end this shame once and for all. Is this not true?”

  They watched him again.

  Bishop Beiler shook his head. “You can do what you wish; this is my family after all. But I would counsel that we wait and see if something more doesn’t come up. This news has only arrived today, and there may be other things said tomorrow.”

  “Against a witness of this kind?” Minister’s Kanagy’s hands twitched now. “I think not. Waiting will accomplish only shame. The people need to see leadership and a clear example established. What better thing than for Joe to bear his shame and accept what Da Hah’s will is. Are these not the words by which our people live?”

  He was right, Bishop Beiler thought, and he hung his head. “I will not stand in your way if this is your counsel.”

  Minister Kanagy wasted no time in replying. “It is my counsel. And what of you others?”

  They nodded in turn, with Minister Graber going first. Bishop Beiler couldn’t blame them. If he were in their shoes, he would do no differently. The least he could do was act like the bishop and place the decision into words.

  “Deacon Mast will tell Joe our decision then on Saturday. And if he doesn’t listen, we will take this before the church. It is our decision that Paul will not testify before this Englisha court. If Joe wishes to tell his story, he can. Other than that, his words are to be yah and nee before Da Hah alone.” They nodded even before he was done, and Bishop Beiler rose to his feet. “I believe it is time I go home and comfort my daughter. Though Verna may well be like Rachel from the scriptures who could not be comforted.”

  Thirty-Nine

  The following Friday night Verna lay in her room listening to the tick of her alarm clock on the dresser. Midnight was close, and the house had been silent for some time. She ought to be asleep herself, but sleep wouldn’t come tonight…like it hadn’t come on every night this week. The days had turned slowly since that awful evening last week when Daett came home from the meeting at Minister Kanagy’s with such dreadful news.

  Verna hadn’t slept a wink that first dark night. She’d cried until there were no more tears. Ida and Debbie had stayed in her room until she shooed them out. The next day had been a blur seen through sleep-deprived eyes and a pounding headache. She’d never seen Mamm look so worried. Mamm even insisted she take a nap after lunch.

  But the fitful half hour of sleep on the couch had only made the following night even more restless. To top it off, Verna had lost weight this week. The pins on her dress strap were already inches tighter. Sometime this would have to end. Joe couldn’t do anything more about his situation. He had sat in the church services last Sunday with his head low. He never came to the hymn singing anymore, so Verna stayed home herself.

  “You can’t continue acting like this,” Mamm had told her. “Life must go on.”

  And it would go on—though dramatically changed. The trial was a foregone conclusion as things stood now. Joe was going to jail because the Englisha court would never believe his side of the story without a witness. And Paul was forbidden to testify. And even if he did, there was that second witness who would testify that both Paul and Joe left the bar early on the nights in question.

  Nee, Paul’s testimony would no longer do any gut even if he could. Debbie herself had admitted that to Verna. Joe might go to jail for years.

  There were moments when bitter thoughts overcame Verna despite her best efforts. If Paul had been allowed to testify, maybe the jury would have believed Joe’s story even with the bar owner’s word against them. But she mustn’t think these thoughts. They were the ones that kept her awake at night. They ate at her. She ought to say them to someone so the sting of their barbs would be less effective, but she didn’t dare. Such words had never come out of her mouth before. Even Lois, in her most rebellious moods, didn’t speak against the counsel of the church leaders. Would she be the one to set the example for Lois to follow? Nee, she must not, Verna decided for the hundredth time. Such a path led nowhere she wished to go. And Lois would likely follow her example and use the same excuses. Only Lois would
end up in the Englisha world and never return.

  Nee, she must be strong. She must learn to accept Da Hah’s will. But how escaped her grasp. How did one watch a living death and accept it? How did one not scream protests and writhe with the agony of its pain? Joe would never be the man he once was. Not after years spent in a dark, Englisha jail. All that time he’d live without the comforting hand of his people to walk with him. And, of course, the bann would be placed on him. Minister Kanagy already had his plans in place, she was certain. The Englisha jury would no more then hand down its verdict before Minister Kanagy would act.

  At least she knew what to expect at the trial, thanks to Debbie’s careful descriptions. And Debbie had said anyone could attend. Verna decided no one would keep her away, even if Minister Kanagy took it into his head to forbid such a thing. But surely even he wouldn’t go that far. He wouldn’t forbid her to share in Joe’s final shame. No man of her people was so heartless.

  She would sit in the courtroom and listen to Joe tell his story on the witness stand. And she would believe him even when the guilty verdict came back. Even when the whispers of the Amish community rose around her. Already that was happening, although no one spoke directly to her about it at the Sunday meetings. She wouldn’t have blamed them if they had. If this had been anyone but Joe, she might have said the same things. She could even imagine the words…

  “This doesn’t look gut at all.”

  “They say there’s an upstanding Englisha witness testifying.”

  “I never thought Joe was gut at lying.”