Whiskey Lullaby

by Stevie J. Cole

  And I had to forgive myself for that before I could do anything.

  ______

  I spent most of that late afternoon at the beach, watching the waves. Thinking. I stayed until the orange sun melted behind the horizon, and once the stars came out, I looked up and smiled.

  There were so many. So many glittering diamonds.

  Finally, I pushed to my feet and dusted the sand from my legs before crossing the street back to my apartment. As soon as I rounded the corner of the stairwell, I froze. A guy was sitting on the welcome mat with his back pressed against my door. The bill to a dark blue ball cap was pulled over his face, and his heavily tattooed arm draped over his knee, the raven’s feather noticeable from where I stood, my feet glued to the spot. My pulse clanged in my ears as a nervous heat drowned my body. I went to say something but lost the words when my keys dropped from my trembling hands to the concrete with a soft clink.

  He lifted his chin and glanced over at me before pushing to his feet. “Hey, you,” he whispered as he timidly closed the space between us. My eyes drifted from his face down the front of his white shirt. Instead of the worn out, secondhand shop clothes I was used to seeing him in, his clothes were neat and crisp. Designer. The rugged stubble on his face was perfectly shaped. It had been one thing seeing his pictures, hearing his voice, but seeing him this close after so long, it broke me all over again.

  The spicy scent of redwood surrounded me, and I wanted to fall into it, but instead, I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “Hey.”

  “God,” he said, slowly lifting his hand to my face and rubbing his callused fingers over my cheek. “I’ve thought about you every day. I never meant to hurt you, Hannah.”

  Warm tears filled my eyes. “I know,” I lied.

  “Do you?”

  Unable to hold his gaze a moment longer, I glanced to the ground and shrugged a shoulder.

  He exhaled. “It doesn’t matter, I shouldn’t have just walked away like that.” His thumb swept over my lip. “Forgive me.” He forced my chin up, his eyes pleading. “Please.”

  I closed my eyes, knowing tears were going to seep out any minute. “I forgave you months ago.” The thing was, I only needed to forgive myself.

  He leaned in, his lips pressing against mine in that reverent way only his could. The entire world crumbled around me in that moment. He tasted so familiar, so right, and as much as I wanted him—God, I wanted him— I knew I couldn’t handle it. I flattened my palms against his hard chest, my heart begging me not to as I gently pushed him away. “I can’t.”

  His brow wrinkled as his eyes searched mine. “Don’t do this.” He hung his head. “Don’t fucking do this.”

  “Noah, we aren’t those same people.” I took a step around him, knowing that even with the best intentions, he’d end up breaking what little there was left of my heart. “I’m here and you’re… there.”

  “So move back.” A slow smile worked over his lips. “I can give you anything you want, I can take you to Paris, buy you a house in the—”

  This was insane. “Noah, stop!” I exhaled. “Stop.”

  “Hannah, I came all the way out here for you.” His face crumpled. “I—I left in the middle of a tour to come out here and—”

  “I didn’t ask you to.” I shook my head. The regret that had been building in my chest billowed into a heavy cloud of resentment. Did he think he could just fly out here and I’d fall at his feet? Of course he did.

  “Hannah, come on.”

  I took a breath, narrowing my eyes on him. “Why now? Why not a week later, a month later?”

  His jaw clenched. “You blocked me. Cut me out. What was I supposed to do? I did what I thought you wanted and left you alone.”

  I dropped my chin to my chest. It was such a shame that we let our own insecurities tear us apart. But I knew how much losing him hurt, and he was no longer that bad boy from the wrong side of town. He was famous. If we couldn’t make things work when life was as simple as Rockford, how on earth could we make them work now? Only a fool would set themselves up for that kind of heartache twice. “It doesn’t matter.” I swiped my key from the ground and shoved it in the lock.

  “The hell it doesn’t!” His voice echoed through the apartment breezeway. “I fucking love you, I’ve been in love with you since the first time I kissed you, so say what you want, but don’t you say it doesn’t matter!”

  My breath caught, but all I could do was stare at the gold apartment number on my door. Common sense told me giving into him would be a disaster, maybe he was the right person, but this truly was the wrong time. But my heart—God, my heart was racing, pleading for me to not let him go as I reached for the doorknob. “I loved you too,” I whispered. I’d imagined telling Noah I loved him for so long, wondered how it may have changed things, and yet, that felt like a dagger right through the middle of my chest.

  “Loved?” he laughed, not an arrogant laugh, but one full of vulnerability. “Fine, then why did you move here?”

  I froze at the door.

  “Why did you move here?” he repeated before stepping up behind me. His warm breath fanned over my neck and I closed my eyes, remembering what he felt like. Goosebumps scattered over my arms. “Because it was as far away as you could get? Well, you know what? This was my escape. This was my place to run to, so why on earth would you run here if you were running away from me?”

  I clenched my teeth. No matter how much whatever it was between us hurt, there was still a peace I could only find in those moments. “I don’t know.”

  He stood there breathing, and I stood staring at the ground. After a few seconds of silence, he stepped beside me. Dragging a hand down his face, he reached into his back pocket and brought out an envelope, handing it to me. “Here.”

  I grabbed it from him, my brow wrinkling in confusion when my eyes landed on the cursive handwriting. “Where did you…”

  “There was an entire packet waiting for me when I got home after the first half of the tour.” He shrugged and stepped across the walkway, leaning against the wall and propping one foot on the brick.

  My chest tightened. “What?”

  “I’d been gone for months. Months, I guess… I don’t know.” He sighed. “Look, I didn’t fly twenty hours to just say ‘hey’ and be on my way, so you take as much time as you need.” He pushed off the building. “I’m gonna go right over there and sit.” He pointed across the street at the beach. “Do whatever you need, think whatever you need to think through, but I’m not leaving.” Shaking his head, he walked down the breezeway and across the yard.

  What am I doing? There are some moments in life that seem so surreal, that are so high on emotion, there is no logical reaction. Your head and heart war with each other, tearing you to shreds on the inside. You should. You shouldn’t. It’s so right, but what if it’s wrong? This topsy-turvy cycle of excitement and doubt, constantly swirling with fear. An unsteady anticipation formed in my chest and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to scream or cry. Over the past year, I’d painted him to be some guy I wasn’t so sure he was. I told myself he was a liar. I made myself believe that everything he said, every moment we shared wasn’t sincere. I allowed him to be the bad boy everyone swore he was, but, until he walked away I never believed he was. I’d turned him into the villain I needed him to be so I could go on with my life, to convince myself I hadn’t lost a thing.

  But, I had. I’d lost so much.

  I glanced back at the envelope in my hand, at my mother’s very distinct handwriting before pushing the door to my apartment open. How had he ended up with this? I didn’t even close the door before I slipped my finger underneath the edge of the flap and tore it open, unfolding the familiar stationery with pink and purple roses along the top.

  My hand shook as I read over the first few lines:

  My Dear Sweet Hannah,

  I may not be able to hold you any longer, but I do believe that my soul will always follow you. I hope you feel that. And I hope you can f
orgive me for leaving you, I didn’t want to, but some things are beyond our control.

  Death and love...

  You’ve turned into such a wonderful, strong woman. I’m proud of you. Always know that you made me so proud, Hannah. Sweet and caring, loving. You were my reason for this life, I know that more than anything, and I can only hope that the life you lead once I’m gone will be everything you deserve.

  We have one life, my dear. One. However short or long, that isn’t our choice, but the person we spend it with, that is our choice to make. And that is why I sent Noah your letters.

  I hope you can forgive me, but you thought he didn’t fight for you. You can’t expect someone to fight for something they never knew was theirs to begin with. You loved him, that was evident to me, and the way he loved you—Hannah, listen to his songs. The poor boy sings those songs about loving you every single night. You told me it hurt too much to write those letters, imagine the pain he endures just to sing those songs to you. I’m convinced that’s why he sings them, hoping you’ll listen.

  Love doesn’t have to make sense to work, it only needs to exist. And the most beautiful of flowers bloom in the most unlikely of places.

  I love you, my dear, sweet Hannah, and I’ll miss you. Please, when you remember me, smile, I had a wonderful life, and maybe that’s why God took me sooner than we’d have liked, he knew I was already content.

  You’ll forever be in my heart.

  I love you,

  Mother

  If I closed my eyes, I could hear her voice. Tears streamed down my face, my breath caught on a soft cry. Even after she was gone, she tried to take care of me. How could I be upset with that?

  42

  Noah

  I’d been to Melbourne, Cambria, Sydney, but never Perth. I stood at the shoreline, watching the waves form into whitecaps under the moon and then roll to shore, crashing against the soft sand. And the stars. God, the stars. Over the past year, I’d forgotten to take the time to just look up at them.

  My phone buzzed in my pocket for the fifteenth time since I’d come out to the beach. I knew it was Debra, threatening me. The first text she sent was filled with profanities. I responded to that one, saying I’d told the arenas I intended to refund the tickets from my own account. All that did was piss her off even more. Now it was ringing. Damn, she isn’t going to give up! I pulled my phone to my ear. “What?” I snapped.

  “You canceled three shows!”

  “We went over this over text. Yes.”

  “I can’t… I can’t even…”

  “Look, do you need anything else, I’m kinda busy here and I have to leave for a flight in about twelve hours so…”

  “I swear to God, Noah, if you didn’t make the money you did…” She let the empty threat hang in the air for dramatic effect, I guess.

  “Yeah, yeah. Alright. I’ll be in Chicago on Sunday.”

  “You damn well better!” Click.

  She just had to have the last word…

  A shadow fell onto the sand beside me and I turned around.

  “You read the letters then,” she said softly, staring out at the ocean.

  “Yeah.” I sighed. “I wish you would have told me.”

  “I didn’t want you to think I was some sheltered little—”

  “No, Hannah, how you felt. I wish you’d told me how you felt, because had I known…” I shook my head, thinking of the past year and a half I could have spent with her. Thinking about the moments we lost because of stupidity, because we feared rejection. Hell, I had taken chances with so many things in life, I should have taken a chance that she’d break my heart.

  Sighing, I swept my hand over her jaw. “I’ve only ever loved you. It was only ever you.”

  She rubbed her lips together. I leaned down to kiss her. Soft at first, then hard. My tongue brushed her teeth and I fisted her hair, tugging on it as I deepened the kiss. Kissing her was like breathing in a sunrise, a promise to start over, to not fuck up, and I soaked that up. This woman was my muse, the first thing I thought about when I woke up, the last thing I saw in my mind before I fell asleep. Hannah Blake was the definition of my everything.

  I placed my forehead against hers, stroking my thumbs over her jaw.

  “I love you too much to lose you twice,” she whispered.

  “You never lost me the first time.”

  Epilogue

  Noah Summer 2017

  Love isn’t easy.

  As much as I’d love to brag and say it was like a Southern version of “Cinderella” after I flew out to Australia to get her, it wasn’t. But, you take away the singing mice, pumpkin carriage, and fairy godmother, and it was close.

  “Boy”—Grandma swatted something from my shoulder— “you sure dress up nice.”

  “Thanks, Grandma.”

  Smiling, she patted my cheek. “I done alright raising you, I guess.”

  “You sure did. Couldn’t have asked for anything better.”

  “Aw, now, I’m not so sure about that, but I’ll take it.” She grabbed my face and kissed my cheek, then shuffled down the aisle to take a seat in the front row.

  Debra stood by John’s shop with her phone pressed to her ear, shouting about the TV stations lining the road. “I swear to God, Murphy, you had better get them out of here before I—” Her eyes went wide, and her jaw clenched. “I don’t care if that’s not considered part of this property, I want them out of here!” She stormed off, still ranting.

  The wind kicked up, blowing the leaves in the oak tree I stood beneath. It seemed fitting to hold the ceremony here, after all, it was where I kissed her for the first time. And how more Alabama can you get than getting married underneath an oak tree in the preacher’s front yard?

  People filed in, filling the chairs covered with purple sashes and white flowers.

  Trevor and Benji walked across the yard. Trevor looked alright in his tux, but Benji looked like a busted can of biscuits. “What’d you do?” I shouted. “Get a kid’s tux?”

  “Well”—Benji yanked at his slacks before hacking up a loogey and spitting it on the grass—“I told them to give me a size smaller, you know, as motivation to lose some weight. But…” he shrugged. “I forgot. Besides, I wanted to do this.” He stuck his arms out and swayed from side to side. “Fat guy in a little coat,” he sang and spun around. “Fat guy in a little coat.”

  Trevor shoved him, and he fell right into one of the few empty chairs, ripping off the purple sash across the back of the chair. I couldn’t help but laugh.

  “Imma punch you after this is over,” Benji said, making his way up to the front beside me.

  Trevor grinned like the shithead he was, then stopped next to me and placed his hand on my shoulder. “I’m happy for you, man. Seriously. You got all famous, got yourself the preacher’s daughter...” He waggled his eyebrows. “And it’s a known fact they’re freaks.”

  “Man…” I shook my head. “Don’t make me hit you on my wedding day.”

  “What? I mean, hell we all know she ain’t a virgin now, but still…”

  “Trevor…”

  He held his hands up and took a step back. “Alright. Alright. Still, shit turned out pretty good.”

  “That it did. That it did.”

  John stepped out of the front door in a suit, clutching Claire’s Bible in his hand. That was the first time I’d ever seen the man in anything except a pair of Wrangler jeans and plaid button-up shirt.

  He smiled when he walked down the aisle toward me. “Noah.” He hugged me, keeping his hands on my arms when he took a step back. “I couldn’t be more proud. No one could ever love that girl the way you do, son.”

  I fought the tightness in my chest. It’s hard when you tell yourself for so many years that you aren’t good enough to finally realize that you are.

  “I know her momma would agree if she were here,” he said, tearing up as he took his place at the front.

  The bridesmaids made their way to the front and then the
violinist strummed out the beginning notes to “What a Wonderful World”—that’s what Hannah requested to honor Claire, and everyone rose from their seats to face the side of the yard.

  My heart went nuts when Bo escorted Hannah around the side of the house. The golden color of the setting sun hit her white dress just right. God, if beauty was ever going to make me stop breathing, it would have been right then. Subtly dropping her chin on a smile, she draped her arm through Bo’s. Her eyes locked with mine as she rounded the chairs and stopped at the end of the gravel drive. The violins and hushed whispers of the guests faded away. It was just the two of us as far as I was concerned.

  Her eyes locked on me when she started down the aisle, each step full of grace. Had someone told me this girl would be mine when I saw her the first time in that church all sad, I wouldn’t have believed them. There are few moments that stick with you throughout life, and I guess maybe the ones that do should tell you something about who means something to you.

  Because I never forgot laying eyes on her for the first time. I never forgot the moment she walked into Tipsy’s and glanced up at the stage.

  Some people are meant to pass through your life, while some are meant to be your life.

  That girl, she was my life.

  I’d been on stage in front of thousands of people with not the slightest of care, but when Hannah let go of Bo’s arm and I took her hand, I couldn’t calm my nerves.

  “Hey, you,” I whispered, and she grinned.

  “Everyone, please take your seats, and thank you all for coming,” John said. “Now, usually the father walks the bride down the aisle, but…” He stepped over and took one of Hannah’s hands. “No matter how old you get, you’ll always be my baby girl.” He kissed her cheek, fighting tears as he stepped back to his place at the front of the aisle and cleared his throat. “It is at this moment that I proudly put the care my little girl in the hands of Noah Greyson.” Hannah rubbed her lips together, her eyes watering.