The Infinity Sign That Takes Longer to Draw 2

by Zohar Neiger

  "Where did you send Alioth!?"

  Dian'er cracked a smile. "After her mother."

  "You didn't!"

  "I don't think you thought it through, when you took her on this journey, Feng. When you took both of them." She crawled to her feet. "You cannot provide her the loving care she needs. She's the symbol of betrayal."

  "Alioth, Diana, I cared for her, and she can't make it on her own. She… needs me and Akhet. I think she does."

  "You had a choice, you know. Your teacher found out Jinn powers can be suppressed with gems. I have a supply of gems. You could have let Alioth stay with her family, live a typical, happy life. You chose to selfishly take her away instead."

  "I… I didn't want Lan'er's daughter to have a meaningless life."

  "Forget her!" Diana raised her voice. "She's Princess Huilan's daughter, exactly so! She didn’t care about you! That tattoo over your chest, do you think it means Huilan cared for you? Valued you? No, she was flattering you. Getting you to leave, to please her father. Filiality, remember that? He was the man who saved her, took her in."

  She was breathing like a feral animal now. "In your mind there was only the mark Huilan left on your soul and body, in her mind there was only the empire and how many people she can scar with its power."

  She spoke with more freedom and flow than she ever has. Her voice sounded different. Hungrier.

  What else did she want? Did she want Huilan to kill her? "So why did you follow Huilan? Why did she shelter you?! What about your filiality for Lei Caihe?!"

  She was taken aback. Her voice turned quieter now. "I sacrificed myself to find you and repent my mistake made from fear. I left the wonderful life Huilan had granted me, she granted me out of mercy, knowing I only made a mistake, living with Master Lei and… with Erkin." Slowly, she spoke up again. "With them I felt like I was safe, like someone understood the horror I went through, and instead I came to you— you ungrateful! —"

  “Repent?” I weighed the words on my teeth, and their scale nearly made them collapse into my gums. “Is kissing me fixing your ruining my life? Bringing my sister back? Bringing the empire back?”

  “The empire! You want the empire back!” she screeched.

  “I want my love back!” I yelled, trying to douse the fire that brought me to tower over her.

  “I know, I gave you love!” She never thinned or paled. “I gave you all the love I could…"

  “You gave me nothing,” I whispered just in the right interval between her next batch of screaming. Just in time for her to hear. Just in time.

  She swallowed her voice. “Nothing,” she repeated expressionless.

  “My love hasn’t been Lan’er ever since we betrayed each other. I didn’t know, but I realized that. My love, nowadays, was my friend, were my friends,” I said.

  “Your...” She still did not pale. She looked at me while her face was slightly turned to the floor. The light hitting the bags under her eyes made them darker, shimmering in violet. I wanted her to break, I wanted the coloured glands on her face to stretch, tear and bleed.

  “Akhet made my mistake. She went after imaginary love, because of you.” I went on.

  “No,” she clapped her hands to her ears. “Don't say that."

  “That’s what you did to me, you forced me into false love. You don’t have an inch of real love in your body."

  “You don’t know what love is, Houyi!” She was yelling again, yanking her arms away from her face. She was howling. “I threw away my life for you. You don’t know love, and you don’t know pain. You don't know how it feels when someone close to you chooses to end their own life and you blame yourself. You don't know what it's like to abandon your home for a greater cause, life only brewing you disaster. If you don’t know pain, I’ll strike you again. And again. Again. Feel the wasps in the electricity forever vibrate and sting in your every nerve."

  Storm clouds gathered above us faster than I could process her words.

  I fell to my knees, curling deep into myself in the fetal position, clinging to my hair.

  I felt my shaking arms repeatedly hit my head, my eyes wide open. The thunder was close. So close.

  A golden lightning bolt struck. It is right beside me.

  I wanted to think my goodbyes, but I couldn't think.

  They very abruptly stopped. She let out a sickening gasp, and I heard her thundering feet grow quieter and quieter.

  A fur coat was draped across my body. "You forgot this when you left," said Caihe.

  46

  White and Blue

  He helped me to my feet.

  "Sorry about Dian'er. You see how she ran away from me, that only proves she's ashamed of herself."

  "My friends… she drove away my friends."

  "Careful on the rocks, now, don't slip. I see your leg got hurt. Luckily, you're not me."

  He climbed above me, reaching his bandaged hands to help me up the next pile of rocks. We worked like this, trudging through the snow, until we reached the top.

  "Lei Caihe… my watch is in my back pocket; can you get it for me?" I barely managed to pronounce.

  He warmly gazed at me, slipping the watch out of my pocket through the chain, and slipping it into my hand. It chinked softly.

  "Thanks."

  Then I took my jittering legs and ran to the waterfall's rock. "What— Houyi!" he shouted, falling on his stomach trying to grab the trails of my trousers. "No!"

  I took a deep breath, hearing the waterfall flow and thrust itself towards the drop. My hand tightened around the watch, and I threw it as hard as I could down, down, down. Into the lake below.

  There's no Akhet to save it now.

  "Oh, Heavens, Houyi…" he shuddered. "Don't. Don't scare me like that ever again."

  I breathed in deep, the fresh, thin mountain air filling my brain. The sky was dark and deep, flickering stars littering it. "Sorry."

  I moved back, mechanically, helping him to his feet.

  He got up, dusting himself off, massaging his stomach. As he caught his breath, a few moments passed in silence.

  "That watch, Young Feng, it was the Empire's, correct?"

  "Yeah."

  "But it wasn't yours."

  "How do you know?" I asked.

  He paced the rocks, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with me, facing the waterfall now. His profile was soft, like his features were creases on a silk pillow.

  "Immortals of the empire only got their watches once they reached 31 years old," he said. "Didn't the empire fall before you turned 30?"

  "No," I said. "I was supposed to get a watch, but had to leave before I got it. This watch was Princess Huilan's."

  Thinking upon it, it made sense that she would give it to me if she thought I would never return to the empire. Perhaps that really was a final sentiment to show she cared. Cared that I might lose track of time. After all, that was the whole point of the empire's watches: documenting a timeless immortal's age.

  "Houyi." Caihe turned his face to mine. "This drop, now that it has water, is not that high."

  I blinked. "I threw it on purpose, Caihe."

  "Oh, I know," he smiled. He fastened his fingers on mine. It was comforting, to feel a nonthreatening touch. An innocent touch. Someone who wasn't corrupted.

  "However, from experience, the lake can be quite soothing, even still."

  I exhaled, smiling nervously. "It must be freezing cold."

  The innocent smile turned devilish, a glint in his doe eyes. "That'll be the soothing part."

  I pursed my lips. "You can't actually be suggesting…"

  "Oh, Houyi," his face bathed in a sweet glow, "we can't die, remember? That does sometimes have its perks."

  "I… can't… we're not immune to hypothermia, surel—…" my voice trailed off. As I pondered, I remembered myself walking through the snow of Mt. Cheekha Dar with nothing but sandals and a robe for many minutes. I saw my fingertips, still numb from climbing this mountain, stay fleshy white and not turn blue. Desp
ite the sensation of cold, I never actually experienced the human consequences of it since I drank the potion.

  "What else am I immune to?" I whispered. Perhaps I had been too used to mortal ways to find out. I never knew what I might be capable of surviving. I never even tried properly.

  "Well, heatstroke. Heart attacks. If I knew the recipe, I could tell you more," Caihe laughed.

  "Lightning…?" I drew out my words.

  "Oh," he said, "no, that would mess up your system quite badly. Kaguya's Potion doesn't protect against injury, but can heal it over time."

  We made eye contact. "Can anything reverse the effects of Kaguya's Potion?"

  "If there was," he sighed, "would your sister have died?"

  "Maybe," I said. My voice shook. "I think the emperor didn't care."

  "If there was a way to save her, the Empire wouldn't have fallen." Caihe spilled a glance to the floor.

  I felt my heart beating. I wanted to silence it. I once heard a theory that if you freeze yourself, you could be immortal. But since I already was, freezing myself would serve the purpose of preserving myself, and shutting down my nerves, rather than making me immortal.

  I wanted to feel the thrill of the air running through my face again, right then.

  "Alright, Caihe," I smiled. "Let's jump."

  47

  The Dip

  I didn't care about my scars or my tattoo, because I knew he wouldn't ask questions. To my surprise, he had a tattoo as well. His body was thin, with bony ribs and slightly sunken chest. We put our shirts and trousers in a pile on the rock. "Jump carefully, go vertically into the water," he said.

  His bandages were off, too, and I could see cuts only shut by congealed blood running all the way around his arms.

  Stretching his limbs, he dolphin-dived without a hint of hesitation. I watched him soar; it took about three seconds before he was swallowed by the surface of the water. I curled my lips, feeling my toes touch the edge of the rock.

  I shoved any fear out the door of my heart, leaping and positioning myself upright.

  The air slid up my body until I was submerged in the gloopy water.

  "Nice form," Caihe cackled.

  I stretched my shoulders, jokingly pouting. I splashed him with the freezing water, which made me shiver. My teeth were chattering, but I didn't mind. "Come, there's a shallow section where we can stand over there," he pointed.

  We were in a valley between two mountain ranges, the lake a medium size. The starry sky reflected off the water which slid over itself gently with the movement of the waterfall. I stood on the rocks of the shallow part, thinking how wonderful it would be if Akhet just landed on this water and told me a story like nothing ever changed.

  Where could have Alioth gone, now? How could she be convinced to leave me? Was I so bad to her?

  Caihe's hand on my shoulder distracted my thoughts. "Look at the waterfall, Houyi. See the formation of the rocks twisting sharply like a zigzag? This proves the waterfall wasn't here before. It is only a guest between the cracks on the mountain wall."

  I looked. It really was a little wavy, rather than straight.

  The view from the sides of the lake was Caihe's mountain and a large flat area which extended until the next mountain range began. There were no clouds.

  "What's on your mind?" he asked, the water slushing as he walked near me. His tattoo looked fresher than mine, as if it had been made that day. I regarded him up and down, seeing his thick eyebrows clench. My skin slowly grew accustomed to the cold of the water.

  "How come you got to keep your hair?" I asked. "They made every non-soldier shave the top of their head in the Queue haircut."

  He nodded, smiling. "Daoist priests, Shamans, were not forced to."

  "You were a shaman by 16?"

  He shrugged. "A favoured student-in-training."

  "Is that how you got your tattoo?" I asked.

  He twirled the water with his finger. "I was one of the first people to get it, after proving that surviving Chang'e's Potion was possible. The first prototypes were made before the Jiaqing emperor rose to power, but once they started tattooing people, I was given one right away. I gave up my option to go to Paradise for the Empire; I'd say that's some loyalty."

  I chuckled. "Yeah."

  I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to sit there and let the cold turn my bones into icicles. What if I see Northern Lights over the horizon, will Alioth come running?

  "The day I received Dian'er," Caihe broke the silence, only interrupted by the white noise of the streaming waterfall. "She was terrified. It was clear she was bathed and put into respectable clothing by the princess. Being in that sedan and being carried here looked like the last thing some wild thing like her would do."

  I breathed. It was hard to imagine Diana in a traditional cheongsam and tight hairstyle, though I remembered the first time I saw her she had a hair pin stuck in her bun, like those the empire's women would wear.

  I think she was right. She was a free, passionate person, who dedicated her life to me, like a wolf giving up their life in the wilderness to stay loyal to a human. She did give me her essence – when she would have rather died, granting her the final act of freedom.

  I hated the feeling of pity that bubbled within me. I wished she stayed rabid and wild, so that my lack of understanding for her could allow me to hate her for what she did to me.

  I wonder who taught her that she needed to repent in the first place.

  "My men were trying to kill her, that night," I said.

  He didn't seem surprised. "She has the scars to show for it. I don't think she knows… that you were their general."

  Indeed – if I were a pawn following orders, I would have been faultless. I could not muster courage to speak of my guilt. Moments of silence later, my companion spoke again.

  "Erkin was already my student, then. He was beautiful. He was a native, here from Urumqi. A rebellious child, desperate to be free. When he thought my rituals weren't working, he went down to the city and tried… all sorts of other things. The day he returned I thought he might have changed his mind about me, but I was wrong."

  Lei huffed. "He only came back here to do what he wanted to do."

  I didn't know what to say.

  "I couldn't bring myself to take in anymore students, ever since." His voice was choked up, but his eyes weren't sparkling. "I used to do things. Not now. I've been sitting next to this waterfall a lot."

  I sunk into the water up to my neck, looking at him from below. His jaw was so softly built, and it was curled, a dimple sinking into it as his lips downturned. "You know what it's like to lose someone suddenly," Caihe spoke to the air.

  "I do," I replied. "I thought I could do something about it."

  He bit his lip, looking down at the surface of the water. "I did too."

  "How long has it been?"

  He pinched the skin between his eyebrows. "Twenty years."

  I tried to think of something to say. He gave a kind smile. "In my terms, that's not a lot anymore."

  "I never thought it was."

  The cold brushed up into my ribs. I felt myself want to hug him again, for the warmth – but then remembered why I agreed to jump. We stood in the stillness of inaction, and he watched the water undulate.

  I saw his expression change. His eyes held a startled spark as his face darted upward to be washed clean by the shadow of the full moon. "I thought it was a trick of the water reflection. What is that?"

  I shot my head to the sky, seeing exactly what I knew I would. A black silhouette with raving wings danced around the moon like a moth. My Adam's apple bowed, suffocating me, but that didn't stop me from summoning all the air I could.

  I jumped forward. "Akhet!!!" Whilst screaming, I burned my vocal cords from the inside out.

  Caihe grabbed my arms, stopping me from running out of the lake. I fought against his grip, but I was weak. My voice echoed against the mountains.

  She didn't stop fluttering
.

  I went limp, feeling my eyes scorching.

  I tried wiping away my tears only to realize I only made my face wetter with the lake water.

  48

  The Big Dipper / Prelude

  Caihe stood in his tiny kitchen smothering a piece of bread with mayonnaise and vegetables. It was the only food out of his options that I took a liking to.