With Every Sunset

by Jane Stevie Lake

  I looked into her eyes and they registered no surprise. “Go on.”

  “After the final football game of the season last year, there was a party at Ron’s. His cousin is the captain of the football team, but that’s not important. Jeez, this is…it’s hard.”

  She looked at me sympathetically, and I wished to God that sympathy wouldn’t turn into pity or resentment. “Why don’t we start with Ron and why you hate each other?”

  “We don’t hate each other,” I said, and it was the truth. “But I suppose, I have to start somewhere, so Ron it is. We’ve been friends since we were in kindergarten and for my whole life, Ron was like a brother to me. My parents had Cole when I was twelve, and I don’t have any other siblings…that I know of.”

  She smiled at the last bit, my attempt at humour, “Alright.”

  “I come from a lot of wealth, generational on both sides. My parents are focused on making more of it, and last year, they had a falling out over the business and it turned into a huge fight when my mother accused my father of fraud and cheating on her. He stormed out and she followed him, leaving Cole in the house alone because the staff had been dismissed for the weekend. It was the night of the party and I was at Ron’s. I had just broken up with this girl, and I wasn’t really in the mood to party, so I told Ron I was going home. He and the other guys on the team started making jokes about it, saying I was being a party-pooper because of the breakup.”

  I looked at her to see where we were so far, and the way she looked at me hadn’t changed. A part of me wanted that so bad, I considered lying to her. But this story wasn’t a secret, and the other versions of it out there were more damning than the truth. She had to hear it from me.

  “They decided that it would be a good idea to get me drunk so I could get over it and off my phone because she kept blowing it up.”

  “What caused the breakup?” she asked, drawing circles on my palm.

  I cleared my throat. Here we go. “She uhh, we…she lied about being on birth control so I could get her pregnant and I found out from one of her friends.”

  Charlie nodded slowly, letting the information sink in. I brought her hand up to my lips and kissed it tenderly, savouring this small display of affection.

  “I told them I had to go home and be with Cole, since my parents had started fighting around him. Whenever they fought, he would ask me to take him to the game room or the movie room to escape the noise. He’s such a gentle person, you see. So, the guys decided to offer me one last drink before I left and I declined. Ron said it was just a cider for the road and nagged until I drank. I didn’t know it was spiked, but they did it out of harmless fun. We used to pull a lot of stupid pranks, I guess. My ex-girlfriend called again and someone threw my phone into the pool before I could answer it. By then, I was buzzed and it was about half an hour before I could find someone to drop me off at home. I got there, and I-he…”

  She put her palms on my cheeks, and I felt the wetness on them. “Xander, it’s okay. You don’t have to tell me anything anymore.”

  But I had to, even though a part of me didn’t want to. If I let her sympathy spare me the agony of baring my soul to her, I would leave feeling like I had manipulated her. And as much I had not learned much about how a man acted from my father, I knew that he didn’t act that way. I needed to be a man. For her, for myself and for Cole. I made the decision to continue.

  “There was a burglary that night, after my parents left. They didn’t find much, most of the really important stuff was in safes. They must’ve ransacked the place, because the house was littered with broken vases and furniture was upside-down. They didn’t find much of what they were searching for, but they did find Cole. I don’t really know what…how-” my voice broke, and right then, so did my heart.

  This was the first time I was retelling this story to someone who wasn’t the blank faced police officer who interrogated me or the stoic doctor who asked how it had happened. Everyone had asked, but I had been stuck in a dark corner inside my mind. In the past year, I had found myself retreating to that corner for pain whenever I felt better. I didn’t deserve to feel alright.

  “Xander,” she gently shook me back to reality, and I realised with shame that I had been descending into the same endless pit.

  “I’m sorry,” I sniffed, hating the sound.

  “Don’t be sorry,” she said, moving in to sit on my lap so she could hook her arms around my neck.

  I shut everything else out, inhaling her scent and revelling in the feel of her in my arms. I dreaded to think it wouldn’t be the same after this, and I held her tighter.

  “I was the first to arrive, and I called 911. He-he was at the bottom of the staircase, and there was blood…everywhere. There was so much of it…I…rushed to him and he was barely conscious. The paramedics arrived at the same time as my dad, and my mom shortly after. By then he…he was out of it. Then we all started tearing into each other, a lot was said and it can’t be taken back. Ever.”

  I paused, and she kissed me soothingly. My lips didn’t move, frozen against hers. Now more than ever, I knew she deserved better.

  “And Cole? What happened with him?” she asked cautiously.

  I breathed heavily, “He lost a lot of blood, but I wasn’t a ready donor because of the…stuff in my system from the drink. My dad drinks like a fish, so…I eventually did the transfusion because there wasn’t a ready match. They flushed the stuff out…but after the operation, he got into a coma. He hasn’t woken up yet, and we don’t know when…” I felt overwhelmed by the possibility of him never waking up and the lump in my throat grew. I raised my head to look at her and there were tears in her eyes.

  I wiped them away, and she surprised me by doing the same to me. She cried silently with me, and when she spoke, her throat was clogged. “I’m so sorry, baby.”

  My world was spun on its axis at hearing that term again, after what I had just told her. “That’s why I visit the hospital a lot, and why Ron and I aren’t friends anymore.”

  “The day we met,” she began, then hesitated.

  “I uhh…it was Cole’s birthday, and the guilt consumed me all the more. I couldn’t breathe, Charlie. It’s not that I wanted to die, I just wanted…peace. To feel nothing.”

  She nodded calmly, “I was worried for the rest of summer. I’m sorry I didn’t reach out to you that day.”

  I touched her cheek, “Don’t be. I would have just been more of a dick to you than I was already.”

  “You weren’t a dick to me, you were just mysterious. And you did get me home,” she reminded me, but the only reminder I got was of how perfect a human being she was. I loved her.

  “That’s the full story, I promise I didn’t leave anything out. If I remember something, I’ll tell you.” I said, feeling sad at the ending we got.

  She kissed my cheek sweetly, “I love you, baby.”

  “I understand if you never want…What?”

  She blinked back tears, “I said I love you, Xander.”

  I wiped her tears with my thumb, surprised but hopeful, “Still?”

  “Yes, why wouldn’t I?” she asked simply, as if I hadn’t just told her that I was intoxicated while my brother was getting shot alone at home.

  I sighed, willing her to understand. “Charlie, you can’t be with me. I love you, but you deserve a guy without all this drama. Someone who can take care of you, and look how I failed Cole.”

  She shook her head adamantly, “No. You did nothing wrong, and I won’t let you punish yourself anymore. You didn’t shoot him, and if you’d been there, they probably would have shot you, too.”

  I tried to speak and she covered my mouth with her palm, “Wait. You’re not breaking up with me, I won’t let you rob us of our love. You deserve to be happy, and the Cole you described to me would want that for you. Besides, you started our relationship, I think it’s only fair that I get to decide when and how it will end. And it’s not right now, and certainly not like this.”


  Even with the guilt still lodged inside me, I almost kissed her feet with relief. I felt my walls crumbling to her will, and I loved her even more for it.

  “Would you like to visit Cole with me?” I blurted out and immediately felt embarrassed.

  She gave me one of those arctic-melting smiles. “Yes, I’d love to meet your brother.”

  I breathed and felt freer than I had my whole life. After laying out my biggest failure to her, she was still here and she still loved me. She was perfect, and if ever I had to live or die for someone, it would be her. She was my beacon of light in the dark, the axis my universe spun on.

  Charlie

  “What are you doing?” he asked from where he sat on the couch. I had gotten up to use my phone.

  “Texting Lea, then my dad,” I said matter-of-factly. “I can’t leave you here alone tonight, and I need an alibi.”

  He turned his face sideways, his long hair hiding his expression from me, “I don’t need a babysitter, Charlie.”

  I dropped the phone into my purse, walking over to him. “I know, but I need to be with my boyfriend tonight.”

  He smiled and pulled me into his arms. “Really?”

  “Yes, really.” I said, enjoying the start of our banter. This was the sign of us starting to deal with everything he had told me, and I had wanted us to be alright after it all. I loved him, and even though he didn’t think himself deserving of that love, it wasn’t going to change.

  He stared down at my hands on his chest, reaching out to tug them gently and make them roam his abdomen. He smirked, “Look at you, seducing me.”

  “You mean you using me to seduce yourself? I’m basically a sex toy right now,” I scoffed.

  He glared at me, the playfulness half gone, “You’re not a toy, but I do think about having sex with you, a lot.”

  I smiled shyly, trying to erase the one sexual encounter I’d ever had out of my mind. It had been extremely awkward, and he had climaxed before I’d even felt anything besides the pain of penetration.

  “What are you thinking about?” he asked seriously.

  “Uhh, nothing,” I lied.

  “Spill it, now.”

  “I was just…thinking about my first time,” I confessed.

  He lifted me off him like I was a piece of paper, setting me aside and sitting up to look at me closely. “So let me get this straight: I tell you about my wish to have sex with you, and you’re thinking about another guy, in my bed?”

  There was no mistaking the displeasure in his tone, and I was starting to think this impromptu sleepover wasn’t such a great idea after all.

  I cleared my throat, which was suddenly parched. “No, Xander. I was just thinking about how miserable it was for me.”

  His eyes searched mine curiously, “Although the thought of another guy’s hands on you and his dick…you know, irks me, do you want to tell me about it?”

  My own eyes must’ve widened into huge saucers, “Why do you want to talk about it, then?”

  “Because,” he reached out to palm my cheek, “I want to make it what he couldn’t. I promise I’ll make you feel good, whenever you’re ready to take the plunge.”

  I smiled teasingly, feeling touched. “What about you? When will you be ready?”

  He laughed quietly, “If it were up to my readiness, I would have fucked you ages ago.”

  “Fucked?” I probed, wanting to get hints of the experience.

  He shrugged, “Well, I can’t say I’ve ever actually made love with anyone. But I can make love to you, baby.”

  “So, I’d be the first girl you make love to?”

  “And I’ll blast your horrible experience with Ben out of your mind.”

  “His name’s not-” I began.

  “You’re not even allowed to remember his name anymore,” he scowled, glaring at me before pulling me into his lap.

  I laughed, the sound ringing in the large room. Xander made me laugh like I never had before and believe in things I hadn’t considered possible before him.

  I awoke in the middle of the night, and it took me a second to register that the hot weight engulfing me was Xander. I carefully untangled myself from him, wanting a glass of water. I was on my way out of the room when I heard his voice.

  “You’re leaving?” he rasped. There was something dark and delicious about his voice when he was sleepy, different, but as equally enticing as its normal husky sound.

  “I’m just going to get some water,” I turned to him, he was sitting up but his face was unclear in the dark.

  “Alright. You good, baby?” he asked.

  I smiled in the dark, “Yes, I’m alright. I’ll be back in a minute.”

  When I returned, he was lying in bed again, and I got in slowly, trying not to wake him again. He wrapped his arms around me, and I sunk into him.

  “Charlie?” he spoke, surprising me. I didn’t think he was still awake, but his voice no longer sounded sleepy.

  “Hmm?”

  “I want to ask you something,” he said, his voice directly in my ear.

  “Sure,” I whispered.

  “Earlier, you said that the first time you had sex was horrible. Did you come?”

  I was glad for the dark room, because now he couldn’t see the embarrassment flashing in my eyes. “No, I didn’t.”

  “But did he make you come after that?” he asked.

  I shifted uncomfortably, and he turned me to face him. “We uhh…we only did it once.”

  He reached behind him to switch on the bedside lamp, bathing us in the warm glow of the golden light. He was handsome, even with his hair spiking out. I loved looking at him.

  “Can I ask one more question, you don’t have to answer if you’re uncomfortable. But if you do choose to answer, don’t lie.”

  I didn’t know where this was going, and his warning only made me unsure of whether I wanted to answer his question. “Okay.”

  “Have you ever made yourself come?”

  I exhaled, hating to sound so inexperienced. I cursed Jesse for making my first time all about him. “No. That time in your room was…my first time.”

  His face lit up in a happy grin, “Really?”

  “I don’t see what’s so amusing,” I narrowed my eyes at him, but I couldn’t ignore the heat gathering my stomach at the memory.

  His grin became a sweet smile, “I’m happy.”

  “Clearly, and I’m scared to ask why,” I said dryly.

  He brought his lips close to mine and whispered huskily, “Because, I was your first in the way that truly matters, and it’s a record I plan to keep all round.”

  I smiled, before quickly masking it with a scowl. “And me? What first do I get to claim?”

  His face became serious again. “You have my heart, Charlie. You don’t just have my love, you are it.”

  The words went straight to my heart, and then spun my hormones. His presence was intoxicating enough, the words he said were a heroin infusion into my body. And I was so scared of it. I was dangling, and the only thing holding me above the hard ground was him.

  “You’re overthinking again,” he said, seizing me from my thoughts.

  “I’m not,” I denied.

  “You were, and whatever that dark thought was, I love you. I hope that helps.”

  I beamed at him, “I love you, too.”

  “O-kay,” he said, his tone light. “Now, we’ve got to start re-educating you and making you forget Denver’s sexual miseducation.”

  I laughed, swatting his hand before it could touch my breast.

  He put his index finger on my lips. “Don’t you dare correct me on his name. You aren’t supposed to remember.”

  “I won’t,” I suppressed a grin.

  “I think that’s the first thing we need to ensure,” he smirked, turning me around so he hovered above me.

  “What are you thinking?” I asked, intrigued by whatever methods he was thinking in that wonderful head of his.

  “Something dirty,”
he leaned down to bite my lip.

  An involuntary moan escaped my mouth. “Are we going to have sex?”

  He groaned. “Don’t ask me that in that voice. But to answer your question, I’m going to give you another orgasm without putting my cock inside you.”

  For a moment, I worried that he didn’t find me attractive enough to venture there. “Don’t you want to make love to me, Xander?”

  Concern flashed in his eyes, “Don’t ever think that, baby. I’ll always want you. I get hard just by thinking about you, fully clothed.”

  I was suddenly embarrassed, then mentally chastised myself for the feeling since I had asked for it.

  He leaned into me, his hardness pressed against my stomach. “See what you do to me?”

  “Y-yes,” I breathed.

  “And even if ever I’m mentally against sex with you for whatever reason, my body will always react this way. I just know it, so don’t you doubt that either.”

  “Alright,” I said, then more cautiously, “Can I touch you…it?”

  He smiled regretfully, “While I’d like to indulge us both, there won’t be any going back from there. And I want to taste you first, savour that. We’ll decide where it goes afterwards.”

  “I’m ready, Xander,” I argued, trying not to sound pleading, but I was ready.

  “I know you are, baby,” he crooned, his hand drifting down my abdomen. “There’s no coming back from this, and I’m not ready to put you in that position.”

  “What position?” I asked.

  “The one where you are responsible for the addiction you’ll cause,” he said, his eyes roaming my body.

  “Well, what position are you ready to put me in?” I blinked up at him innocently.

  He laughed, lowering his head so his hair flopped onto my face. “Oh Charlotte, what will I do with you?”

  I didn’t get the chance to come up with a snarky reply, because he raised my shirt and started planting kisses down the path to my waistline. I was wearing only panties, having discarded my jeans before I slept.

  “God,” he whispered, nodding at my black lace panties. “My baby looks like sin.”

  The lower he got, the more the butterflies in my stomach fluttered and my breath quickened. He gently nipped at the flesh just above my panties, frustrating me when he suddenly paused.