by Woods, Erica
My head spun.
My female loves me.
“A chuisle,” I growled, voice not the smooth assurance she deserved, but a harsh, feral promise scraping past a tight throat. “I’ve loved you my whole life.”
Her head whipped back, eyes widening. Then, a beautiful, slow smile lit up her face. “Ruarc, you’re . . . you’re smiling!” There was wonder in her voice, tender warmth in her eyes. She lay her hand against my cheek, and I couldn’t help but nuzzle into her palm.
“Smile often.”
A soft snort. “You do not.”
I frowned. “I do.”
“Not like that,” she whispered.
Couldn’t argue with her. Not when she looked at me like this, all open and earnest and happy. And so pretty I’d have to kill anyone who laid eyes on her.
“Cause of you.”
“You make me happy too, Ruarc.” She traced my lips with one finger. “I feel like we’ve known each other forever. Our whole lives,” she added with a solemn nod.
Our whole—She thought I’d been exaggerating?
I nipped at her finger, savoring her unique flavor. “Meant what I said,” I told her, grinning when she yanked her finger away with a yelp, shooting me a frown before stubbornly bringing it back to continue her exploration. “Loved you my whole life.”
She stilled. “I . . . I don’t understand.”
“My life started the day I met you, mo chridhe.” I dragged her closer, our bodies pressed together, our hearts beating as one. “You’ve breathed life into this wolf.”
Into our pack.
She bent her neck, blinking furiously.
I guided her chin back up. Wanted her eyes on me. Wanted to watch the emotions spilling from their depths. Long as I could see her eyes, she couldn’t hide.
“Ruarc—” Her voice cracked.
“Keep telling you, you’re my heart. Wouldn’t call you mo chridhe if it wasn’t true.”
Her chin quivered. Her lip trembled.
And then she smiled.
Watery.
Shaky.
But so fucking radiant she could’ve been the sun.
I growled and attacked her mouth. Kissed her until her taste was burned into my soul. Then I kissed her some more. Didn’t stop until she was gasping for breath, her cheeks flushed, the scent of her arousal driving me crazed with the need to bury my cock deep inside her.
Branding her.
Knowing I needed a distraction, I pulled away; focused on why we were here rather than outside with the rest of our pack.
“Explain your tears,” I commanded, silently cursing my cock for straining against my pants and throbbing like a little fuck.
My female was too addictive for her own good.
“My . . . my tears?” She looked dazed, blinking and swaying toward me, chest rising and falling with rapid bursts of air.
Pride swelled. I’d done that. I’d made her flush and want and need.
Another growl. My female needed and I couldn’t provide.
Claws pricked at my clenched palms.
“Earlier,” I bit out. “You didn’t explain.”
She shook her head, chewed her lip.
I frowned and once more extracted it from between her teeth. Gently.
“When you . . .” She hesitated, and there went that lip again, disappearing between her teeth like it was her favorite chew toy.
I glared and she sputtered.
Lip rescued, I inspected the reddened flesh, nodding when I saw no broken skin.
She was quiet, stared at me in a way that would’ve had me squirm if I were still a pup. “Well?” I demanded, wanting her to explain so I could ensure it wouldn’t happen again.
My female should never cry.
Her face softened. “When you called me by that beautiful endearment, I just lost it. I never thought I’d hear it again.”
“Why?”
“Why?” She looked at me like I’d lost my mind. Which, around her, often felt like the truth. “Because I betrayed you!”
Unease nipped at my nape. “How?”
She averted her gaze. “By not talking to you before . . . Before Ash and I . . .”
“Before you what?”
“Before we . . .” She straightened her spine, stared up at me, pleading for . . . something. “Before we were . . . intimate. But we didn’t have sex,” she rushed to add, only to grow pale and sounding guilty as hell when she continued. “But it was mostly because of Ash. He knew I’d regret it so . . . he stopped us.”
“Why would you regret it?” Did she not have feelings for Ash? My jaw tensed. If she didn’t, it would cause problems. We needed Ash. He was part of our pack, our family. But I’d never want Hope to feel forced. Never.
I growled.
“If you don’t want him, he’ll never touch you again,” I vowed. I’d take her away. Jason and I would take care of her. Find some remote place where no lycans lived. A territory just for us.
The bitter taste of loss was already on my tongue. I don’t know what I’d do without my brothers, without half my family. But Hope came first.
Always.
“That’s the problem,” my little female whispered. “I do want him. I have feelings for you all. Even . . . even Lucien.”
The revelation didn’t surprise me, but I wasn’t pleased either. Sharing her didn’t come easy. Not at all. Wanted her all to myself, but at the same time, I wanted my brothers to protect her and stay with her when I couldn’t. And during mating, sharing had its advantages.
I flashed back to the night Jason and I had taken her together. Her delectable body pressed between us, her sweet cries of pleasure as we worked together to bring her to her peak . . .
“Don’t understand. Why’d this make you sad?”
Hope blinked. “I . . . what do you mean? I was sad because I thought I’d lost you!”
“But why?”
“Because I didn’t talk to you before I . . . before I did stuff with Ash.”
“We already talked.”
“But . . . That was so long ago, and we didn’t really discuss me and Ash being intimate.”
My brows drew together as I tried to understand her baffling words. “We did,” I growled. Was getting impatient. This conversation was doing nothing but making my female upset. My female who loved me. “You may be intimate with Ash. And Lucien,” I added after a brief pause, thinking it over. My female must think I was being very magnanimous, but she didn’t know I was prepared to steal most of her time for myself.
I’d share. But never equally.
Was mine first, I thought, setting my jaw. They wanted more time, they should’ve claimed her earlier.
When no grateful words reached my ears, I frowned down at the female in my arms. Her eyes were alarmingly wide and her mouth was open.
“What?” I growled, wanting to finish this ridiculous conversation so we could move on to nicer things. Like kissing. That tiny taste from before was not nearly enough to satisfy my need.
My female tastes so good.
“You . . . I thought you were upset about it. I thought you hated me!” She held her hand up at my vicious snarl, and I grudgingly let her finish. “You barely looked at me when you got in . . . I thought it was because of Ash.”
Guilt assaulted me at her obvious pain. Should’ve had more control. Should’ve gone to her right away. “I’m . . . sorry.” I bent my head until I could drag my nose over her neck, taking comfort in her scent. “Was upset about the secret. And the other male. Wanted you to trust me.”
She pushed at my chest until I drew back and looked down at her. “I do trust you, Ruarc. More than anyone else. Except maybe Jason. And Ash. And sometimes Lucien.”
I rolled my eyes.
“It’s not about trust, this thing with M—” Her eyes widened. “With the male. It’s . . . it’s something I can’t explain. Not yet. Please understand and give me some time?”
Cracking my neck, trying to loosen my stiffening m
uscles, I tried to force words of acceptance from my mouth.
They resisted. Fought. Got stuck and made me chew on them like rough, uncooperative hides.
My mouth salivated at the thought of destroying this other male, this M-something that I needed to kill. But I couldn’t. Not yet. Because, no matter what my female said, she didn’t trust me.
Not fully.
Knew when I stared into her earnest eyes that she thought she did. Probably thought her reasoning was sound. Wouldn’t even surprise me if she was convinced she was doing the right thing—the-gods-only-knew my female was as stubborn as she was good. But no matter the allegiance she wrongly thought she owed this other male, that wasn’t what stopped her from sharing.
Was something else.
Something inside her that had been kicked when it was down. Wounded. Betrayed. Eviscerated.
Trauma twisted shit. Twisted until victim felt like perpetrator, until strength felt like weakness. And something in my sweet, innocent female would cling to any reason—real or imagined—to keep her secrets, until she was either pushed or she felt safe.
My knuckles cracked with the force of my clenched fists.
One thing was sure . . . No one would push my female. Not even me. Would have to show her that she could trust me with anything. That I’d never leave her. Never judge her. Never steal her choices.
I forced my hands to relax, cupped her nape, and let out a ragged breath.
Wanted to nurture the damaged thing inside her, show it she was safe. That I was safe.
But only for her.
Everyone else was fair game.
I unclenched my jaw just long enough to push out a snarling, “Fine.” Then, when I saw Hope’s relieved smile and felt tension flowing out of her limbs until she melted into me, I tried harder to push all thought of the other male away.
For now.
Just long enough for Hope to come to her senses. After that, he’d know what it was to be hunted.
30
Hope
The relief of being back in Ruarc’s good graces was short lasting. Without Jason by our side, the hollow ache in my chest refused to leave, and I was struck by the knowledge that this was how it would always be. There would never be a time where I wouldn’t need them all to feel complete. They were a part of me now. All of them—even Lucien.
I finally understood the bond that tied them together and what it meant to be pack. The bond they shared, the family they’d graciously invited me into, could never function without all its members. I just hoped that one day, they’d feel that way about me.
I was still cuddling on Ruarc’s lap, soaking up his affection like a starved animal, when Blake poked his head in.
“We’re all waiting for you.” His eyes crinkled at the corners when he met Ruarc’s hard stare. “You’ve had plenty of time to kiss and make up. Time to go.”
“Get the fuck out,” Ruarc growled, but as soon as Blake disappeared, he heaved a heavy sigh and pressed a last, lingering kiss to my lips. The masculine scent of dark, forbidden forests and the lighter scent of pinecones wrapped around me as tightly as his arms, and a moan slipped past my parted lips. Heat trailed across excited flesh, and when he pulled away, I couldn’t help but press my body against his, tilting my head back as I chased after another drugging kiss.
A satisfied smile crept over his rugged face, lighting the heavy shadows that had furrowed his brow these last few hours. “Want you too, mo chridhe,” he rumbled, rubbing his cheek against mine. The five o’clock shadow should have scraped my skin, but instead, the bristling touch made heat flare between us once more, dragging a low, masculine sound from the male slowly driving me insane. “Have to leave before I take you in this chair.”
The idea sounded great to my befuddled brain, but the impatient sounds of a throat clearing and feet rustling reminded me the others were waiting. “Okay.” I drew in a deep breath, distracted by Ruarc’s heavenly scent. “Let’s go.”
Ruarc muttered a low curse and gingerly moved me off his lap. I could have sworn I saw him wince as my thigh brushed over the hard length that had been pushing insistently against my backside from the moment he put me on his lap, but when he failed to mention it, I pretended it hadn’t happened.
Better for my sanity that way.
Once outside, the cool air sapped some of the heat from my burning cheeks.
“About time,” Lucien muttered, spearing me with an intense once over before looking away.
Ash simply raised his brows at Ruarc and received a chin dip in response, then nodded, like he and Ruarc had just had an informative conversation instead of a two simple gestures.
Zakh and Blake both looked away, and, after a hard stare at Ruarc, Jason did the same. The tight lines of his shoulders gave away his tension, but when I reached out to touch his arm, he jerked away like he couldn’t stand being near me.
I swallowed thickly, and a low growl came from my left.
“You better start thinking, pup,” Ruarc warned.
It looked like Jason stopped breathing. Burning, amber eyes lifted to Ruarc with a deep seated fury. “You’re one to talk.” He cast a scornful look at our interwoven fingers. It was so unlike Jason that shock prevented me from feeling the hurt he no doubt intended.
Ruarc’s hand twitched around mine. “Meaning?”
“That you did the same damned thing a few minutes ago and now everything is all hunky-dory.”
“A misunderstanding,” Ruarc gritted out through clenched teeth.
Jason snorted. “Which part? That she still doesn’t trust us, that she was appalled when she found out about the bond we’re forming, or that you treated her like a leper and stayed out all night?”
Jason’s angry words hit their mark. My cheeks burned and nausea swirled in my gut. I wished I’d never seen Matthew, even if it meant carrying the guilt of his death for the rest of my life. The relief I’d felt, the respite from the crippling remorse, wasn’t worth them feeling this pain.
I had to fix it.
“Jason,” I began with a step in his direction. He stood stock still, staring at me with an air of desperation, nostrils flaring with every breath; the taut lines of his body making it look like he was a second away from snapping. “I’m so sorry I hurt you,” I whispered, meaning the words for his ears alone.
He said nothing, only twitched when my hand came to rest on his curling bicep.
“I do trust you, I do,” I added with all the sincerity my useless body had left.
Sometimes, I felt like half a person. Half a woman. After everything the Hunters had done to me, I frequently feared both my mind and my body were broken beyond repair and that I would bring the guys down with me when the worn threads holding me together snapped. But even so, I was done running from them. Done not trusting them. Having temporarily lost Ruarc’s and Jason’s easy respect and affection had taught me that no matter what, I couldn’t live without them.
But I also couldn’t betray Matthew.
Betraying him would be betraying myself, the person I wanted to be. And my guys would never trust me if I proved myself capable of betraying a friend—a person who’d saved my life.
I had to find him. Soon. Today, even. And once I did, once I’d talked to him . . .
An invisible hand squeezed my throat shut.
“You clearly don’t,” Jason muttered.
At least he hadn’t shaken off my touch.
“You’re wrong, Jason.” I pushed aside the fear clenching my stomach when I thought of what would soon come. It wasn’t important right now. All that mattered was repairing what I’d broken. “I trust you. You and . . .” I lowered my voice further, not wanting Blake and Zakh to hear. “You, Ruarc, Ash and Lucien, you’re the only ones I trust. The only ones I care about.”
Jason’s gaze shot to mine. “Then why won’t you tell us who the male is?”
Knowing he might not understand, I wet my suddenly dry lips and tried to explain. “Like I told Ruarc, I will tell you g
uys about it. I just can’t right now. I . . . I owe him. But that’s all, I swear.”
His eyes locked on mine. For a long moment he simply searched my gaze. It felt almost painful, the intensity of his scrutiny, but it was nothing compared to the agony that pierced me when he broke the connection and looked down at his feet. His whole face transformed. No longer angry, pain was etched across every feature; lips tilted down at the corners, forehead lined in a heavy frown, eyes averted and shining with misery.
“I’m not good for you,” he muttered. “I wasn’t meant to . . . to truly be happy.”
What? Eyes burning, I tried to force my mouth to shape the denial clawing at my throat.
If Ruarc was my rock, the safest place on earth and the first to make me trust, Jason was my sun. Every day he shone brighter. Every day he brought me smiles and laughter. When I’d thought the art of laughing lost to me forever, he’d somehow pulled me out of the dark and bathed me in the light of his humor and warmth. Without him . . .
I couldn’t even think about it.
I turned to the others and croaked out a hoarse, “Could you give us a minute, please?”
None of them hesitated. Even Lucien, who normally had no patience for these things, left with a look of understanding. When he passed, he gave me a slight nod, gaze resting on Jason a moment before disappearing around the back of the house.
The others followed in silence.
When they were gone, I turned back to Jason and captured both his hands in mine. “How could you say something like that,” I whispered. “Why would you even think that?”
A shrug, then, without looking up, he mumbled, “You’re too good for me, Hope. If you knew my past, you’d be disgusted. You’d never let me touch you again.” He looked up, meeting my eyes with a furrowed brow and a hard tilt to his chin. “On some level you already know. That’s why the thought of bonding to me was so repellent to you.”
I could only stare up at him while my chest ached like I’d been stabbed. My sweet, loving, funny man thought that poorly of himself? I’d known he had some demons in his past, but I’d had no idea how bad they were. Jason had such a beautiful, pure soul. All he wanted was to make others happy. To give them a reason to be happy when they, themselves, felt it was impossible. How could a man who always had a smile for everyone carry such darkness?
