‘Noooo. No way. Course not. I mean, yeah, he’s really attractive, but he’s not my type. And anyway, Lucy, you know I’d never do that to Nesta. Or Steve. Hey, Lucy come on, you guys are my friends.’
‘Well OK. Just checking, because I know Steve would be gutted and so would Nesta if you were carrying on with Luke.’
I felt near to tears. I really wanted to tell her everything, but I didn’t dare in case it came out wrong and made things worse than they were. ‘But I’m not. Honestly. Lucy, you’ve got to believe me.’
‘So where had you been?’
‘Movie. Luke wanted to skive and I was going to say I couldn’t go, but Nesta told me to be more friendly to him. Remember? You were there. You heard her. I would never ever ever take anyone else’s boyfriend. Especially Nesta’s. You’ve got to believe me.’
There was a pause for a few seconds. ‘I do. Sorry. It’s probably just Lal, you know what he’s like, he came in all flustered about what he’d seen. You know what a crush he has on Nesta. He was probably hoping you were going to run off with Luke, then he could step in and comfort Nesta. Sorry. I should have known it was innocent.’
After she’d put the phone down, I lay back on the bed. That’s done it, I thought. I’ve lied to one of my best friends. It was true that I wouldn’t be disloyal to Nesta and nothing was really going on. It was in my head though. And I did fancy Luke. Like crazy. Oh hell. What a week. The week from hell. And it was only Wednesday.
At school on Thursday, Lucy was fine, her usual sunny self and Nesta didn’t mention the hand-holding episode, so I presumed that Lucy had thought it best to keep quiet about it. I felt relieved as our friendship carried on as normal. I only wished my head did. Try as I might, I couldn’t stop thinking about Luke, over and over again, how he’d looked at me when he’d asked what might have happened if he’d met me before he’d met Nesta. How it felt when he kicked off his shoes in the cinema and put his legs over my knees like we were the oldest and easiest of friends. How it had felt when he’d taken my hand when we crossed the road. And I couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to kiss him. The thought of it made me tingle from my head to my toes. I tried to put him out of my mind, but he wouldn’t go and I couldn’t help but look forward to the meeting after school and seeing him again.
However, at the project meeting later, it was clear that Luke wasn’t feeling the same way. He blanked me, that is, he talked to me, told me what to do, but he didn’t look at me. Not properly. Not once. It was as if he couldn’t meet my eyes. I wondered if maybe he felt bad about last night and felt like he’d been disloyal to Nesta. I was disappointed on one level but, on another, I felt relieved. It made it easier to deal with and, once again, I told myself to get over him and get a grip.
When I arrived at the meeting on Friday, Luke was already there and he was totally opposite to how he was the day before. He looked right at me, then started complaining about his neck and asked me to give it a rub. At first I was going to refuse, but what excuse could I give? That I daren’t touch him? He might have thought I was mad, or a sad case, like Sian with a pathetic schoolgirl crush on someone she can’t have. Or maybe I should have come clean and said I felt a bit weird because of Nesta. But then he might have thought I was a prude. He’d only asked for a neck rub. It wasn’t like he’d asked me to snog him. And if anyone else had asked for a neck rub, I wouldn’t have thought it was any big deal. I’d just have done it. My anxiety soon faded as I started to massage him. It felt amazing just to touch his shoulders and his neck and he sighed like he was enjoying it too. I know I wasn’t imagining that the air grew charged and at one point he put his hand up on top of mine and left it there for a few moments, then he leaned back against me and we stayed like that for a while. Nothing said. I felt this strange feeling – a mixture of sadness and closeness as I knew we couldn’t go any further than an innocent neck rub. I’m sure he was feeling the same, because he said this weird thing out of the blue. ‘Unspoken but not unknown,’ he said. And that was all. I knew what he meant. Only a neck rub, only a neck rub, I kept telling myself, but it felt like much more. But when we heard Sian and Olivia approaching, he leaped up quickly and started looking busy. He wouldn’t have done that if it was innocent, would he? Maybe my feelings were not as one-sided as I thought. What the hell is going on? I asked myself for the hundredth time that week.
On Saturday, we were due to have another quick meeting in the morning, but I was late as my bus got held up in traffic. I peeked through the window before I went in, and this time when I arrived Sian was alone with Luke. I could hardly believe my eyes as she was massaging his neck. I felt sick at the thought that he’d asked another girl to do it for him and looked like he was enjoying it. Olivia arrived a few moments after me and saw me looking in the window. When she saw them together, she glanced at me and raised an eyebrow as if to say, what’s going on here then? I wondered myself and, all through the meeting, my head was all over the place. Yesterday I’d thought that there something special between Luke and me. Had I imagined it? Not from my side I hadn’t. I had no doubt that I felt a lot for Luke and, although I had no intention of ever acting on it, I couldn’t deny those feelings. It must happen to people all the time. You meet someone, you go out with them, then you meet someone else you fancy. Doesn’t mean you leave your first boyfriend. But then, was it all in my head? Maybe I was just like Sian? Another girl on a long list of people who had a crush on Luke. I so wished I could talk to my mates about it all, especially Nesta. If it had been about any other boy, she’d have been brilliant to talk it over with, as boys are her speciality. But because it was Luke, her boyfriend I reminded myself for the umpteenth time, I could never bring the subject up. I felt miserable and mixed-up. I didn’t want to be feeling any of it but, every now and then, Luke would catch my eye in the meeting and not look away for a few seconds, and the look in his eye was so tender. My stomach did backflips and somersaults. There was something there. There was. I couldn’t be imagining it, could I? For a brief moment I felt like thumping him and yelling, ‘Don’t look at me like that! Stop playing with my head!’ But then he might have thought I was bonkers. And Sian and Olivia definitely would! One time Olivia noticed Luke and me looking at each other and I looked away quickly. Got to get out of here quick, I told myself, but then another part wanted to stay and look into his eyes one more time.
After the meeting had ended, try as I might, I couldn’t make myself walk away when Sian and Olivia left. I fussed about with my coat, shuffled my papers, packed and repacked my rucksack until finally Luke looked up.
‘Did you want something?’ asked Luke as he gathered up his things.
I felt uncomfortable. I should have gone. Left. Got the bus. I felt like I had the wrong body on. The wrong clothes. My head didn’t fit the rest of me.
‘Er . . . we need to talk . . .’ I started, then, as Luke rolled his eyes, I remembered that Nesta had told me that those were the four words that most boys dread. ‘Er, it’s nothing really,’ I continued trying to make my voice light. ‘Um . . . How’s your neck?’
Luke rotated his chin. ‘Better actually.’
‘Yeah, I noticed that you got Sian to give you a rub earlier.’ It was out before I could help it and I knew my tone sounded jealous.
Luke stopped what he was doing, sighed heavily and looked at me. ‘You’re not going to go weird on me, are you?’
I felt my heart sink. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Sian. Neck rub. It’s all innocent, you know.’
‘Yeah. I know.’
‘Good. Because I credit you with more intelligence than reading things into things that aren’t there.’
‘Yeah. Right.’ The atmosphere felt heavy, all wrong. I was doing a saddo. Needy. Hanging on where I wasn’t wanted in the hope of another look, a word of encouragement, anything to let me know that I wasn’t alone in what I was feeling.
Luke pulled his jacket on. ‘See you then.’
‘Yeah. See you
.’
Arrghhhhhh, I thought as I watched him walk off. Don’t read things into things? Did he mean between me and him or between him and Sian? Hell. I was dying to ask him, but then I might make myself look a real fool. Desperate. Clingy. And I know how much boys hate that. And besides, there was Steve and Nesta to think of. Luke might be a totally innocent party and, if I blabbed out all my feelings, he might think I was the most crapola girlfriend in the world and the lousiest friend. Don’t give anything away, Hannah had said.
I was losing my mind and desperately needed someone to talk to. But who? Nesta was off the list because of Luke. Lucy was off the list because of Steve. Mojo was no good and emailing Hannah wasn’t enough any more. She was too far away. I needed someone who knew everyone involved. Someone who could give me some good advice.
Forget looking a fool, I thought. You’ve got nothing to lose.
I decided to take a chance, got out my mobile and dialled.
The four words boys most dread: We need to talk.
Chapter 10
‘So what’s up, doc?’ said Izzie with a smile as she let me into her house, then we made our way up the stairs to her bedroom.
‘Oh nothing,’ I said when we got to her room and I flopped on to the bed.
‘Want some lunch?’
I shook my head. ‘Not hungry.’
Izzie sat at her desk. ‘You said you needed to talk to me. Sounded urgent.’
‘Yeah. No. I mean . . . just to catch up. How’s it all going? You know, your side of the project?’
Izzie smiled mischievously. ‘Cool. In fact, I’m having a total gas with Trevor. He’s slowly coming round to my way of thinking. I told him that no way could we concentrate only on the Christian development of the area. Now we’re looking at all sorts of stuff. All the religions. The persecution of witches, mysticism, magic . . . He’s getting into it. And I even persuaded him to have his hair cut into a decent style.’
‘You’ll be persuading him to get a tattoo next,’ I said, laughing.
‘Not a bad idea. But it’s been good. We’ve discovered loads of interesting stuff, like, you know that place in Highgate, Pond Square?’
I nodded.
‘Well there aren’t any ponds there any more, but there used to be. Two of them. And one of them was used to duck women in . . .’
‘Witches?’
‘No. Just women who nagged their husbands! I’m going to suggest that they bring the tradition back for parents who nag their children. My mum will be a regular.’
I laughed. Izzie’s relationship with her mother was tempestuous at the best of times. They were total opposites. Her mum was neat, organised and mega straight. Izzie was into everything, curious and open-minded. They often clashed when Izzie discovered some new fad, religion or therapy and decided to change her life for the umpteenth time.
Izzie pulled her chair closer to the bed. ‘You know if you do need to talk TJ, I’m happy to listen and not just about project stuff.’
‘I know. I . . .’ I desperately wanted to talk to her. Spill it all out. But there was still a part of me that was worried that she’d hate me. Izzie and Lucy went back a long way, mates in junior school and best mates ever since. And both had been friends with Nesta longer than I had. And then there was the fact that Steve was Lucy’s brother and she was very protective of him. I didn’t want to get on the wrong side of Lucy, as the wrong side of her would include Izzie. But then again, Izzie was my friend too and, apart from all her mad ideas, she was good at giving advice. ‘God it’s so complicated . . .’ I began.
‘Try me,’ said Izzie.
‘It’s nothing really, just . . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . I don’t know where to begin . . .’
‘Something’s obviously bothering you and it’s always better out than in.’
I decided to trust her. I was going to crack up if I didn’t. ‘If I tell you, promise you won’t tell anyone else?’
‘Promise.’
‘OK. I . . . I just feel like I’m going totally mental. See, this thing happened recently and I can’t stop thinking about it and I don’t want to think about it, but I can’t stop myself. And the more I try and stop myself the more I think about it . . .’
‘Ah,’ said Izzie. ‘Thing. A boy’
I nodded. I knew she’d understand. ‘Not just any boy’
‘Not Steve?’
I shook my head. ‘Not Steve.’
‘Ah. Who then?’
‘Er . . . um . . . er . . .’ I looked at the carpet. ‘Luke.’
‘Luke? Oh!’
‘I know. Oh.’
‘Has anything happened between you?’
‘No. It can’t. Won’t. No. It’s all in my stupid, stupid head.’
‘Well he is a bit of a dish,’ said Izzie.
‘Do you fancy him?’ I asked.
‘I think he’s stunning, but no, the chemistry’s not there and no matter how gorgeous someone is, if the magic’s not there, it’s not there. And it ain’t with us.’
That got me thinking again. Chemistry. It was definitely there between Luke and me. Whenever we saw each other, he was like a magnet and I was an iron filing. I had no choice but to be drawn towards him. I couldn’t help it. It was chemistry.
‘It’s . . . look, I know he’s Nesta’s boyfriend,’ I said, ‘and I respect that. I would never go after him. It’s just . . . As you said, chemistry.’
‘Yeah, but you can feel chemistry with loads of people, even people you don’t fancy or know it would never work with. I felt it with this complete dork on holiday a couple of years ago. He worked on the beach and was so full of himself, running about like he was some lifeguard stud when actually he had skinny legs, was lily-white pale and his job was to collect money for the deckchairs. The chemistry was really strong but no way would I have followed it through. It was weird. Feeling an attraction and a repulsion at the same time.’
‘I know. I know. And some people are out of bounds. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Like when people get married. Doesn’t mean they stop feeling attracted to other people, but they have made a vow to be faithful, so if they feel chemistry with someone else, most times, they let the chemistry go.’
‘Right,’ said Izzie. ‘But Luke and Nesta aren’t married.’
‘But she is my mate. To me that means hands off her boyfriend. My mates mean a lot to me.’
‘Likewise,’ said Izzie.
‘And my mates are mainly why I don’t want to move to Devon. Or didn’t. I don’t know any more. Now with this thing with Luke . . . maybe it would be for the best . . .’
Izzie looked surprised. ‘That bad, huh? So. I take it that you’ve felt some vibe with Luke then?’
‘I think so. I mean, yes. Definitely, most definitely, but I’d never act on it. Honest. It’s just difficult having to do the project with him and all. It’s so strong. It’s like I’m caught in a powerful current in a river and it’s carrying me along, but I know I can’t go with it so I’m swimming the opposite way. It’s wearing me out.’
‘Hhmmmm,’ said Izzie, then she grinned. ‘So get out of the river!’
‘What? How?’
She turned to her desk, picked up a leaflet and read from it. ‘If you want uncomplicated love, follow me.’
I waited for her to continue. Which she didn’t.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Buddhism,’ she said. ‘I’ve been reading about it. See, there are many kinds of love, although we use the same word for all of them. We love our pets, we love our parents, we love our brothers and sisters, we love our friends, we love chocolate. All the same word, love, but very different levels of it and each level has its own complications. We love some boys. That’s the most complicated kind of love of all. It brings insecurity, jealousy, loss of focus, madness.’
‘Tell me about it.’ I thought about the range of emotions I’d been through over the last few days – excitement, insanity, highs, lows, tenderness, expectation, disappoi
ntment, sadness, elation, despair . . .
‘Buddha says that the source of all unhappiness is desire,’ continued Izzie. ‘One desire always leads to another, which is why we’re never content. We get one thing, we want another. We get a new top, great, hurrah. Next week, we don’t like it any more and we see one we want even more, and on and on it goes, with us always thinking that getting these things will make us happy. But it doesn’t. It makes us agitated. We fancy a boy. We want to hold his hand, we want to snog him and on it goes . . .’
‘Yeah. So? All that stuff’s totally normal. How do you stop it?’
‘By going beyond desire. Buddha calls it a wheel, always turning. What you have to do is go to the centre of the wheel through meditation and there you’ll find peace and stillness.’
She made it sound so simple. Then she got out one of her yoga books and showed me a meditation where I had to block my right nostril with my thumb and breathe in through the left nostril, then block the left nostril, with my middle finger and breathe out through the right one. Over and over. By the end of my visit, I did feel slightly calmer, mainly because I kept losing track of which nostril I was supposed to be breathing in or out of and which finger or thumb was where, so my mind was distracted from Luke for a brief time.
‘We can be yogis,’ said Izzie.
‘Mmm. Maybe. Not sure I’ve got the hang of this,’ I said.
She reassured me that practice makes perfect, so I decided to give it a go. I was going to be a yogi, get out of the river and find the centre of the wheel. Or something like that.
Centred, peaceful, focused. Off the cycle of desire. I am free, I told myself as I went home. In one nostril, out the other. Then I wondered what you did if you had a cold and your nose was stuffed up. Was that the end of your inner calm?
On Sunday, all the gang arranged to meet up at Costa in Highgate for our usual Sunday morning natter. Lucy was there first with Tony. Then Izzie arrived with her nostrils. Soon after her, Nesta came in the door with Luke and, as soon as I saw them, I went into my meditation. Block one nostril, breathe in the other . . .
Mates, Dates and Tempting Trouble Page 7
